She jerked her head up from where she’d been running her tongue along the side of his neck. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. Of course. It’s nothing for you to worry about. Although, I guess I should tell you since you’ll find out sooner or later.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve accepted the offer to head up the new Van Mont Industries charitable foundation.”
Stunned, she sat back, and the motion caused her to fall off him and tumble to the mattress. “What?”
He shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. I’m taking the position. I’ll be able to help a lot of people. Make a difference.”
What was he saying?
“A few days ago you were adamant about not doing this. Why would you suddenly change your mind?” It came to her in a flash and she gasped. “Is that why your mother called Dr. Newman? Because you agreed to go back to Van Mont Industries?”
He couldn’t do this. He loved his job and he was good at it. More importantly, it gave him independence from his parents and allowed him to have the type of life he wanted. If he went back to the company, he’d be miserable. Why would he give up the business he’d created, his peace of mind, his future family . . . for her?
“Ben? Why would you do that?”
He flipped her until she was lying beneath him, his hips cradled by her thighs. A loose smile tilted the corners of his lips. “Because you sacrifice what you have to for the people you love.”
Pain sliced through her. “No.”
“Yes. I love you.”
She shook her head wildly. “No.”
He laughed. “You’re not in charge of the whole world, Nic. You can’t tell me how I feel.”
Though she usually loved the weight of him on top of her, he was suddenly too heavy, taking up her space, making it hard for her to breathe. She pushed against his chest but he didn’t budge. Damn, was he made of stone?
“How many times did I tell you? I’m not interested in that. Especially not in the way you mean it.”
His expression darkened. “What does that mean?”
“Call your mother and tell her the deal is off.”
He frowned and rolled off her. “No.”
She scrambled off the bed and pointed her finger at him. “Yes! And if you don’t, I will. You can’t do this to me. I’m not going to be one of those women who gives up everything they’ve worked to achieve for a man.”
“I don’t remember asking you to do that.”
“But it’s coming, right?”
Of course it was. He hadn’t made this grand gesture for nothing. He said he loved her and wanted to be with her. She knew what he required from the woman he loved.
He rose up on his elbows. “You’re smart, driven, and want your own life. That’s one of the things I love about you.”
“Stop saying that!”
“Why? It’s true.”
“Because I don’t want to hear it. And since when did you want a woman who wanted her own life? You think Jennifer-the-elementary-school-teacher or Gabby-the-Pilates-instructor were going to continue teaching and Pilate-ing after they married you?”
“I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. I didn’t want to be with them. I want to be with you. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make that work.”
She waved a dismissive hand. “That’s your cock talking. You hate doctors. You don’t want to be involved with one.”
And after meeting his mother, she could see the oedipal cave that had crawled from.
“Nic! People make a lot of grand pronouncements when they think they know something. I was an idiot. I thought I knew all the traits the woman I would love needed to have. What I didn’t know, couldn’t understand, is the woman is all that matters. You’re who I want. I can adjust to everything else.”
“No.” She covered her ears with her hands. She knew it was childish, but she didn’t care. His words were ripping her apart.
He stood and approached her, grabbing her wrists and pulling them down. “I support you. I would never ask you to give up your fellowship. And it’s only a year. We were just talking about visiting each other during that time. Then, when it’s over, we can decide—”
“There you go. ‘We can decide.’ We don’t decide. I decide.”
He held his hands up. “Of course. But I don’t see the harm in trying to find a job in Baltimore. Hell, between Baltimore and DC, you’d have access to all the opportunities you’d ever want. World-class hospitals, colleges with competitive sports teams, professional teams for every sport imaginable.”
He sounded so reasonable and his argument was so cogent. Is that how men did it? How they convinced women to give up everything? Until it was too late and they were left with nothing?
Is that what her father had done to her mother?
“Maybe I don’t want a job in Baltimore. Maybe I’ll find a better job elsewhere.”
“I’m just asking you to look.” Ben frowned and shook his head. “But you’re not even willing to do that, are you? To meet me halfway? Like I did for you?”
“Ahhh . . . here it comes.” She wasn’t going along on his guilt trip. Not when she didn’t ask him to talk to his parents; he’d offered. And she never would’ve agreed with him taking that position with Van Mont Industries.
What about his own company? All of his clients? She refused to be held responsible for him giving up his dreams. Especially when she would never give up hers.
“I’m not limiting my options.”
“Who’s trying to limit you? If anything, I’m expanding your options. You could end up anywhere, Arizona, Colorado, Texas. I’m just adding Baltimore to the mix.”
She shook her head.
His features hardened. “So, you can make compromises when it comes to fucking me, but if I want more, you can’t be bothered?”
She winced. She hated the way that sounded but she had to do what was right for her. She had to protect her future.
“I’m not asking you to change your life. I’m just asking you, begging you, to consider making room in it for me.”
She squeezed her eyes shut to block out his tortured expression.
She wanted to. Wanted to throw caution to the wind and be carried away on a tide of emotion and trust. But wasn’t that true for every woman who found themselves in this situation? And when it eventually fell apart, wouldn’t they all want the chance to go back and make the correct decision? The decision before her right now?
“I’m not your father,” he said sadly. “And you’re not your mother.”
Her breath caught in the back of her throat. How dare he bring that up? Anger swept away any lingering threads of doubt.
“I know. Because I won’t make the same mistake she did.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
The sun was setting as Ben braked his car to a stop and pushed the ignition button to cut the engine. He scrubbed a hand over the tightness in his chest, akin to a boa constrictor grabbing hold of his heart. When would his pain at Nic’s rejection end? He wished he were home, by himself in the darkness where he could tend to his wounds in private. More than likely, he’d relive every moment on the Vineyard between them to see where it had all gone wrong and wish like hell he could go back in time and fix it.
Instead, he’d voluntarily come to the last place on earth he wanted to be. Sighing, he got out of his car and walked up the stone pavers to the large double front doors of the Van Mont family manor. Almost twice the size of Palmer’s, the house sat on over fourteen acres of prime waterfront real estate in a well-established neighborhood.
Deciding not to announce his presence—visits only happened when they involved the element of surprise—he eschewed ringing the bell or knocking on the door. He walked directly into a foyer the size of the main floor in his home back in Baltimore. Going to the right, he entered a sun-splashed living room with wooden beams and soaring cathedral ceilings.
Directly across from him, wall-to-wall windows showcased a stunning ocean vista. The house had been
renovated several years ago, so the interior wasn’t as he remembered, but he’d never forget that view. He’d spent hours throwing rocks in the water on the private shoreline it showcased, either by himself or with his cousins and then later alongside Davis and Palmer.
Fallon sat on an upholstered wingback chair near the fireplace, reading from an iPad. Since she still wore her outfit from earlier, he assumed she didn’t have plans for an evening out.
Her head flew up and her eyes widened behind a pair of stylish frames. “Benjamin! I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Mother.”
She closed the cover of the iPad, took off her glasses, and placed them both on a side table next to a half-empty glass of water. “Sit down. Would you like Edith to bring you something to drink?”
Edith had been the family’s house manager for years. Although he wanted to leave as quickly as possible, he made a note to stop in the kitchen and say hi to her before he left.
“No, thank you. This won’t take long.” He slid his hands in his pockets. “You called Dr. Newman.”
She tilted her head back and stared up at him, her gaze steady. “I told you I would.”
That was it. No comments about wasting her valuable time making phone calls. No obvious elation at getting him to come back to Van Mont Industries. Her energy, always contained and watchful, was calmer than usual. Less displeased and more . . . cautious?
“He’s an interesting man,” Fallon said, when Ben remained silent. “He runs one of the top sports medicine programs in the country and he had nothing but wonderful things to say about your Dr. Allen.”
His heart twisted at her words. His Dr. Allen? Not anymore. If she ever was.
“He thanked me for calling, but said it wasn’t necessary. Her spot had never been in jeopardy. He let it slip that Vincent Whitaker was the one who was trying to get her fellowship revoked.” Fallon curled her lip. “I dislike that man intensely. But hospitals need donors to fund research and to continue providing affordable quality care to everyone who needs it. To do good, you sometimes have to deal with horrible people.”
Truer words had never been spoken. Hence his reason for being here.
“Thank you for reaching out to him,” he said. “And even though in the end, Nic didn’t need the help, I still plan to honor our deal. I just need time to wrap up my business.”
He’d have to legally dissolve the corporation, resolve any financial obligations, take care of Ezra and find two or three other planners to refer his clients to. Or, instead of terminating his business, he could sell it. He’d been approached before, but three years ago, he couldn’t conceive of ever wanting to hand his business over to someone else to run. Today the company was an even better asset. The records were in order, there was a stable revenue base and, as Ezra and Nic had pointed out, the potential for growth was enormous.
And he’d failed to take advantage of it.
Perfect time for that realization, Van Mont!
Fallon reached for her glass and took a sip of her drink. “No.”
No?
No!
Like a torrent of whitewater, anger sprang forth and ran roughshod over his usual temperate and accepting nature. It raced past his resentment toward his parents, his annoyance with Davis, and his hurt and heartbreak over Nic, gaining strength and momentum at each emotional checkpoint. In his pockets, his hands curled into fists.
“Do you wonder why I rarely ask you or Father for anything?” He didn’t wait for her response. It wasn’t necessary. “Because I don’t expect you to do it! How fucked-up is that? I should be able to come to you. You’re supposed to be the ones I can always count on. Instead there are at least ten people I’d call first if I was ever in a jam.”
The color leached from her face. “Benjamin, I . . . I didn’t know.”
“Why would you? That would require you to know me. And that comes from spending time with me. Something else you can’t be bothered to do.”
As quickly and hotly as his rage flared, it flamed out, leaving him shaken and exhausted. He shoveled all ten fingers through his hair then dropped his head and sank onto the sofa on the other side of the fireplace.
“Why wasn’t I enough for you?”
He regretted the words as soon as they caught air.
Why couldn’t he have held on to his anger a little longer? It had been his armor, had protected him . . . and would’ve prevented him from asking the question that left him exposed. Vulnerable. He didn’t want her to see his weakness, to know that a part of him was still that little boy seeking his parents’ approval.
He straightened and pinched the inner corners of his eyes, ending the plans of any renegade tears. “Until I’ve properly closed my business, I will not be starting at Van Mont Industries. I’m fully prepared to oversee the creation and management of the new charitable foundation, but I have more pressing obligations. If you can’t accept that, I’m sure the other members of the board—”
“Benjamin,” she interrupted, her voice no less firm for its uncharacteristic softness, “when I said no, I didn’t mean that we weren’t willing to wait. I meant that I wasn’t expecting you to uphold your end of the bargain.”
Wait, what? “I don’t understand.”
“That appears to be true for the both of us.” She moved from the chair to sit next to him on the sofa. “When your father told me about your request I knew there was more to the story.”
He was having difficulty comprehending the shift in the conversation. “You did?”
“Like you said, you rarely ask us for anything. I told him to hold off on making the call and I started asking around. I learned Nicole’s a well-respected doctor. Everyone I talked to at Hopkins agrees she’s going to have a brilliant career.” Fallon shrugged. “There didn’t appear to be a downside to doing what you’d asked.”
“But you didn’t?”
“Not right away, no. I wanted to talk to you first. Find out why it was so important to you. As soon as I could get away, I came here. The moment I saw you with Nicole I understood. And it hurt me.” She shook her head. “She mattered to you and we knew nothing about her. I could suddenly see ten years into the future. You’d be married, maybe with children of your own, and your father and I wouldn’t be a part of it.”
The idea that his parents would care about being a part of his future family left him dumbfounded.
“But Nic stood up for me and that made you angry.”
“It did. No mother wants to hear the things she said to me, even if they were true. I had no intention of ever making that call. But you came back to the coffeeshop and made that deal with me. And I should’ve been happy because getting you back to Van Mont Industries has been my goal since you left. Only it wasn’t what you wanted. You were doing it for her.”
“Why should that matter to you? You’d won. I was finally doing what you’d always demanded.”
But instead of answering she said, “I never told you what I went through to become a doctor. It was harder than I’d anticipated. It was the late 70s and although the number of female physicians had increased, it was still woefully low. Even less were surgeons. And cardiothoracic specialists? Minuscule. I was constantly having to prove myself. The men always treated me as if I was only there temporarily, often remarking I’d leave after I had children. Once I was established and had earned the respect of my peers, I couldn’t imagine giving it up, especially for the very reason I’d been shamed and mocked. It made me a first-class surgeon but, I realize now, a piss-poor mother.”
He’d never considered the difficulty his mother may have endured in becoming a doctor. He’d only seen her actions, or lack thereof, from his perspective. Was her story supposed to excuse how they’d treated him? How they’d been absent most of his childhood and when they were around, barely present? It was something he’d have to think about later, but—
“What does that have to do with whether or not I come back to Van Mont Industries?”
“I’m getting
there,” she said, casting her gaze downward, away from his face. “I’ve done a lot of reflecting in a short amount of time and I’m trying to explain why I eventually decided to intervene on Nicole’s behalf. Becoming a doctor isn’t easy. And as a woman of color, without any family resources? The obstacles and attitudes were probably ten times worse. Despite that, she made it. She earned her spot in the rarest of airs and I couldn’t stand the thought that it would be derailed by some snot-nosed entitled kid who didn’t have a quarter of her talent. I had to do it, separate from my deal with you.”
So not because he’d asked, but because Nic deserved it? Great, but . . . Was it wrong of him to be jealous of his mother’s obvious respect for the woman he loved? A regard he’d never been able to claim for himself?
He sighed and rose to his feet. “Whatever the reason, you did your part and I’ll—”
“Wait.” She grabbed his forearm. “You don’t understand. By the time I’d come to that decision, any joy I’d felt at bringing you back into the fold had curdled. The reason does matter. Your father and I lived our dreams, Nicole would be living hers. Why would I want less than that for you?”
Sitting down again, he crossed his arms over his chest and eyed her skeptically. “I find that hard to believe since you constantly and consistently disparage my choices.”
The brackets curving her mouth deepened. “Your father and I raised you the way we were raised. Children were meant to carry on the family legacy. Their achievements, and their failures, were seen as a reflection of the family. We thought we knew what was best in terms of your happiness and we didn’t handle it well when our visions didn’t align. I’m not trying to excuse our behavior. We’ve made a lot of mistakes though . . . you turned out wonderfully, so we can’t be all bad, right?”
Was she serious?
When he didn’t react, she cleared her expression. “What I’m trying to say is . . . we love you and we want you to be happy. And that means following your own path, not ours.”
Oh.
They loved him and wanted him to be happy? He was numb. He’d heard her words, understood them even, but could he allow himself to believe her after all of these years when he’d thought the exact opposite?
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