“Trust me, it wasn't one I'd dreamed of, either,” Connie muttered, dropping her face into her hands.
“I knew it. I fucking knew it!” Bodie grinned widely. “Don't look at me that way, Con. The world isn't ending because you're exploring yourself and your needs. Hell, that sounds like something you'd say to me, doesn't it? So, you have to tell me who you were playing with. Braun hasn't said a word, and it's been driving me cray-cray. Like, above and beyond staring at the walls crazy.”
“Why aren't you angry with me? Shocked, outraged, disgusted?”
“Should I be? I don't recall you being any of those things with me when I got together with Braun and admitted I was a complete lifestyle novice. Okay, maybe there was some shock when I told you I was a virgin, but that was expected, I guess,” Bodie mused, tapping her finger on her cheek thoughtfully. “But you didn't berate me or make me feel like shit for being who I was then, did you? You were the same supportive person then as you are now—stripping naked and submitting to a Dom instead of wielding the crop doesn't change the heart of you.”
“I'm scared,” Connie admitted, pressing her fingertips into her eyes. “This is all his damn fault. Him and his fucking intervention. Him and the other jackasses over there in the club. I wish I could hate him, I really do. I wouldn't be dealing with this if he hadn't stuck his nose into my business.”
“Okay, you've lost me. Who are we hating, and why, exactly?”
“Atticus! Atticus and his fucking sidekicks.”
“Liam and Loki?”
Connie dropped her hands and slumped back on the couch. “Apparently, according to the three wise monkeys, I haven't been myself. Atticus thinks I've taken too much on, that I'm depressed and borderline suicidal. He believes I'm headed down the road of drugs, alcohol, and death.” She snorted in disgust. “Like I don't know myself and my limitations. Who the hell does he think he is? I should go hunt him down and kick his ass into next week.”
“That's the Domme talking,” Bodie responded in a sing-song voice. “You're batting on the submissive side now, right, so you need to think like one. How does the submissive side of Connie feel about what Master Atticus has done?”
Lying would be so easy, or so Connie thought. When it came down to it, she found she couldn't. “Relieved.”
“There you go. It's nice not to be the one having to make decisions, right? I'm not dominant, but before Braun came into my life, I carried so much responsibility, it almost crushed me. Trying to find rent, the money to pay off my parents whenever they came around to kick me, some spare change for the utility bills. I failed at all that, because I took too much on and refused to ask for help. I sold all my furniture to try to live just a bit longer like that, and almost died on a shitty mattress in a cold, damp apartment that had nothing left of me in it.” Bodie's eyes flicked up, then back to Connie. “Braun changed all that for me. He didn't make me feel like less of a woman because he took control. He made me feel like the woman I was meant to be, because he took control and gave me an opportunity to grow into her.”
“I let Atticus top me,” Connie confessed. “Last week. It was the first time in over ten years, and…God, it felt really good. Hard, a lot harder than I expected it to be. Once I stopped—” She cut herself off, took a deep breath.
Boadicea wasn't shy, however, about digging for details. “Once you stopped fighting him? I bet that was a hoot to watch. Dom versus Domme, the ultimate battle for control. He's not a Master I'd want to go head-to-head with, that's a given. Braun's bad enough when he gets his boxers in a knot.” She grinned, and her eyes flicked up again. “So, did you sleep with him? Atticus, that is, not Braun.”
“He…we…” Christ, she was tripping up over her own tongue. How could it be harder to admit to having sex with Atticus than it was acknowledging she'd allowed him to take charge?
“You don't have to say it out loud, Connie,” the insightful little minx in the bed said gently. “I can see it on your face. Did he take care of you, at least? I've heard some of the other subs tell stories about how rough he can be, and according to them, he's remarkably well-endowed.” She added a saucy little eyebrow wiggle. “As someone who regularly gets attended to by a well-endowed penis, I understand how demolished you can feel afterwards.”
Demolished. Yes, that was a good descriptor. “His reputation isn't an understatement,” Connie muttered, closing her eyes and leaning her head back. “I think it's left us in an awkward position. I don't know how to look at him now. We've seen each other naked, which wouldn't be an issue if we weren't both dominant.”
Bodie lifted her left hand, palm up flat. “Man.” Then the right. “Woman.” She clapped them together. “Don't get hung up on the dynamic of who you are. He's not going to see you any differently now than he did before, because you're still the same person, Connie. Just because you're dipping your toes into submission doesn't mean everyone's going to forget you're a kick-ass Domme.”
“I'm not dipping my toes, Bodie.” Connie swallowed and opened her eyes, meeting her friend's curious gaze. “I'm a Switch.”
“Really? Huh, that has to be kinda cool, right? I mean, I love being submissive, but sometimes I wonder what it's like to put the bossy pants on and be in charge. You get to experience both sides of a dynamic—that must be why you're so good as a Domme. You understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of dominance.”
Stunned by Bodie's immediate acceptance, Connie stared. “I'm not one thing or the other, I—”
Big blue eyes rolled in exasperation. “Who said you had to be? Best of both worlds, Connie. If you've had a shit day at work, you don't have to worry about getting into the dominant headspace for a scene. You find a partner and let him flog the bad stuff away. And on a day when you feel really good and want to focus all your energy on making someone else feel the same way, you can share the love. For a woman who tells everyone not to overcomplicate things, you're doing a number on yourself, Con. Chill out and let yourself enjoy it.”
She gave serious thought to spilling everything about her time with Evan, explaining why submission wasn't easy for her to enjoy. How it scared her, losing control after so long with her hands on the reins, and giving the meeker part of her into someone else's care. But Evan had cropped up in conversation one too many times in the last twenty-four hours, and cost her a night's sleep after the nightmares reared their ugly heads.
“I'm really hoping you're not telling me Master Atticus did something to you last night to make you safeword?”
“What? No, no, that was Thane, and he didn't do anything to—it wasn't his fault. I panicked and…I said red.”
Wriggling in place, Bodie's eyes went huge with excitement. “Okay, now I'm intrigued. Who is Thane, and what did he do? All these new members keep joining, and I don't know any of them.”
How did she explain Thane? “I don't know much about him, to be honest. I met him at the bar last night, then Atticus drafted him for Operation Dominate Connie, so I guess he has Att's stamp of approval. He seems like a good guy, he’s assertive, and he doesn’t come across as being a newbie. I forgot how frightening it can be, submitting to a Dom I don't know. I freaked out, Thane backed off straight away and told me to safeword. I guess he understood it would calm me down.”
“Wow. Is he a saint or something?”
“No. Not with that mouth,” Connie muttered, remembering the brief touch of his tongue on her pussy, the words he'd used to arouse her. “Maybe Atticus told him not to push me too hard, I don't know.”
“Um, I don't know if he'd interfere that far with someone else's scene. It's a Dom's prerogative to assess a sub and guide the scene where he thinks it should go, right? I don't think Thane was reading off Atticus's script; I think he was reading off yours.” Bodie ran her fingers through her hair, combing the black locks into tidier order. “Did he drop you after you safeworded? Like, call it quits for the night?”
Strong arms around her, holding her tight. Warm skin against her back, s
ilk boxers and a thick erection against her ass. Peaceful silence soothing her inner turmoil. “Not exactly, no.”
“Oh, I like him. Tell me more.”
Connie laughed. Bodie was a sponge, soaking in all the gossip. “We did a lot of talking. Well, Thane did. I was pretty useless at the whole conversation thing, but he has a way of getting me to talk. It's like he wears patience as a second skin. He got me, really got me. He tucked me up in bed and slid in behind me. Held me. Just held me for an hour,” she murmured.
“Seriously? Connie, I'm a taken woman and I couldn't be happier, but I'm pretty sure you should snap him up before one of the other subs gets a whiff of him.” Bodie smiled at something over Connie's shoulder, her eyes dilating with pleasure. “There's no point fighting the right one when you find him.”
As the hairs on the back of her neck prickled, Connie shot to her feet. Goddamn it, she'd stayed too long, caught up in the trap of girl talk. She narrowed her eyes at Bodie. “Well played, Boadicea.”
“Sorry, Connie. The boss gave me orders. Don't be mad at the pregnant woman,” she added, blowing Connie a kiss.
“Sit your butt back down on the couch, Constance.” Braun ordered from behind her, his tone brooking no argument. “You were supposed to come and find me last night.”
“Unfair advantage, using your pregnant lover to lure me in, Braun.” Instead of sitting, Connie turned to face him, crossing her arms over her chest and glowering. “Last night, I was tired, and I wanted to go home, so home I went.”
The tall Master was leaning against the wall, one hand in his pocket. He wore an unreadable expression, dark blue eyes watching her as though he'd never seen her before. It was that look she didn't want to see on the faces of everyone she knew, and it was inevitable. “So, you're still in there. Thought I must have lost you when I walked into that room last night.”
“I'm sorry if I worried you,” she replied stiffly.
“Must admit, I was concerned. Not only that you were in there with a virtual stranger, but that you'd used your safeword.” He stood straight, stalking toward her around the couch. “I'm glad you're okay.”
“How much of this conversation did you hear?”
Braun sighed and sat gracefully, propping his foot on the opposite knee. “Pretty much all of it. Enough to rein in my protective instincts and stop myself from going to kick Thane's ass. And,” he added with a small smile, “to not grill you any further. My undercover operative over here is naturally nosy.”
Connie shot her a killing glare.
“Don't blame Bodie, she was only doing as I asked. Well, no, she wasn't. I asked her to keep you here so we could have a chat,” he corrected, lifting an eyebrow. “After you pulled up outside and didn't get out of the car, I figured you'd dash in, check on Bodie and the bump, and then make a run for it. Bodie's been pining for some company other than mine, so don't go thinking she was digging for information.”
It was hard not to think that. Connie rubbed at an ache between her breasts. “Well, I've had my chat with Bodie, and you got the answers you wanted, so I'm going now. I have an appointment in an hour.” It wasn't quite a lie. She'd promised Alicia she'd call at the store for corn dogs, popcorn, and soda. “I won't be at Avalon tonight. Penny isn't available to stay with Lisha, so we're having a movie night.”
Bodie cleared her throat. “About Alicia, Con. That's something Braun and I have wanted to talk to you about for a while. We've been talking about the future, especially with the baby situation as it is.” She stroked the small round bump lovingly. “Braun asked you to take Alicia on as a favor because he couldn't take care of us both. I was broken, she's broken, and he just didn't have time to help us both heal. But she's been with you for a year now, and it's not fair to you to keep looking after her.”
Her stomach plopped on the floor with a wet splat. “You're not happy with her progress.” The feeling of failure rose like a gale force wind, sweeping her along as though she was tumbleweed in the desert. “She just needs time. She killed two people in self-defense—her own parents—and was immediately upheaved from everything she knew. That's not a bad thing, under the circumstances, but you have to give her time to come to terms with what her life is now.”
“We get that. We're not saying we're not pleased with her progress, Connie.” Braun took over from his sub, scratching idly at his nose. “We're saying it's not fair on you. Atticus raised some good points about the amount of stress you're under, and we agree. It's time you took a break, Con. I've spoken to a rehab facility west of here, and they have a space for Alicia. Atticus is checking it out for me, but their records are impeccable. The standard of care for wheelchair-bound patients is faultless. They have classes, physical therapists, social interaction.”
Everything Connie couldn't offer. Yeah, she might as well have Failure tattooed on her forehead.
“This isn't a reflection on your care, Con. It's been a huge relief for me to know my sister is being loved and tended. The facility is a short-term option—a vacation for both of you. I never intended for you to get roped into my family shit, but you did, and I need to make reparations for that.”
A vacation sounded like bliss, but Connie's sense of responsibility couldn't even fathom shipping her charge off to a strange new place. She'd taken Lisha on, and wouldn't abandon her simply because Connie was rundown and tired. The girl was family now, as much hers as Bodie's. “I appreciate the offer, but we're doing fine. Lisha needs stability.”
“We agree, undoubtedly. But you need some downtime. Atticus has offered to take over for a few days, a week if he can stretch the time away from…you know. It's not the same as taking a month off like you could if Alicia went to the care facility, but it's a break.” Braun leaned forward, his gaze intent and serious. “The agreement wasn't to let Alicia consume your private life, Connie, and she has. Through no fault of her own, or yours. This isn't a request.”
She was so glad she hadn't sat down again. It made storming out a lot less complicated. Jaw tight against the hurt bruising her internal organs, Connie tried not to cry. Yet another facet of her life—her life—being forcibly removed from her control. First her dominance was brought into question, and now…now she stood to lose someone who'd become a key fixture in her world.
Her voice was so tight, one wrong word would snap it like a taut thread. “Do what you want, you will anyway.” She yanked a set of keys from her pocket, twisted one off the ring, and tossed it in Braun's lap. “She won't answer the door herself. Make sure you lock up after yourself. I won't be going home.”
“Connie—”
Flipping him the bird, she skirted around the couch and headed for the front door. She wished she could say the pain in her chest was born from fury, but there was no use lying to herself. It was the kind of pain that came from having her heart ripped out and thrown against the wall. It happened every time she wasn't good enough or strong enough or fucking submissive enough for someone.
Braun moved fast for such a big man, standing and vaulting over the furniture to land in her path as she stormed out. His hand was gentle when it grabbed her arm, but she wasn't in the mood to listen to him spout off reasons and explanations and motherfucking excuses that meant nothing.
Wrenching her arm free, she swung her other hand at his face, fist balled. She connected with his cheekbone, more of a glancing blow than a real punch, but the impact sang up her wrist. “I'm done, Braun. I'm done with the whole fucking mess.” Her voice cracked on the last word, and her vision blurred.
“Connie, wait!” Bodie called out.
There was guilt for piling this mess on her friend, but Connie didn't stop. Didn't wait. The plate of shit stacked several feet high was tilting, threatening to spill, and Connie couldn't be here when it fell. She evaded a second grab, darted into the small foyer and shoved her feet haphazardly into her sneakers.
Fumbling for the door handle blindly, she yanked it open. She was running for her car before the door slammed shut behind her. Sh
it, she hadn't meant to slam it. Fuck, what did it matter? She stumbled, almost fell on the path, but forced herself to keep going. The path turned from paving stones to the rough gravel of the parking lot beneath her feet, and she smacked into the side of her car with a bang that rattled her bones.
Ten minutes later, she couldn't remember getting into the car, starting the engine, or driving away from Avalon, but she found herself on a road she didn't know, in a place she had no recollection of, with her forehead on the wheel while she bawled her eyes out.
Betrayed. It was so stupid, but she felt betrayed. Atticus and the other Masters had been discussing her behind her back, making decisions for her without any input from her side. Changing the course of her life in a direction she wasn't even sure she wanted it to go. What was next, a career change? A nice relaxing vacation in a psych hospital? And then—and then, she thought furiously—her friends had been conspiring behind her back again, only this time they were messing with not only her life, but Alicia's. How would they like to go through a massive trauma and then be transplanted somewhere else? They'd want the comfort of home, and despite everything, Connie believed Alicia had come to see her house as home.
Screw the lot of them. No more pushover Connie. They wanted Alicia? Well, she was no longer Connie's to take care of. They could handle the mood swings and the fucking suicide music. They could deal with trying to get the girl to eat, to drink, to take a goddamn shower, and they could suffer through the battles Connie lived through every damn day.
Atticus could take his plans and shove them up his ass. Hell, if she could fit Thane up there, she'd give him a helpful push to fully insert him. Maybe it wasn't fair to include him in Atticus's fate, but at the end of the day, he'd agreed to whatever her supposed friend had proposed, so she wasn't going to feel guilty about cutting him out of her life.
Connie cried harder. Bit by bit, her life was just crumbling into pieces. There was no going home, there was no going to Avalon. The two places that gave her comfort were useless now.
Talk For Me: Club Avalon Book 3 Page 12