CHAPTER TWO
In that first sleep how often do we dream that our calamity has beenonly a dream. It was so in my first moments of awakening. Vestiges ofsome grotesquely hideous nightmare remained with me. Wearing theshackles of the slave, I had been mowing the corn under the fierce sunthat beats down upon the American savannahs. Sickeningly, then, a windof memory blew upon me and I was alive to my situation.
Nor was I forgetful of the plight in which the Honourable George wouldnow find himself. He is as good as lost when not properly lookedafter. In the ordinary affairs of life he is a simple, trusting,incompetent duffer, if ever there was one. Even in so rudimentary amatter as collar-studs he is like a storm-tossed mariner--I mean tosay, like a chap in a boat on the ocean who doesn't know what sails topull up nor how to steer the silly rudder.
One rather feels exactly that about him.
And now he was bound to go seedy beyond description--like the time atMentone when he dreamed a system for playing the little horses, afterwhich for a fortnight I was obliged to nurse a well-connected invalidin order that we might last over till next remittance day. The havoche managed to wreak among his belongings in that time would scarce bebelieved should I set it down--not even a single boot properlytreed--and his appearance when I was enabled to recover him (my clienthaving behaved most handsomely on the eve of his departure for Spain)being such that I passed him in the hotel lounge without even anod--climbing-boots, with trousers from his one suit of boatingflannels, a blazered golfing waistcoat, his best morning-coat with thewide braid, a hunting-stock and a motoring-cap, with his beard morethan discursive, as one might say, than I had ever seen it. If Idisclose this thing it is only that my fears for him may becomprehended when I pictured him being permanently out of hand.
Meditating thus bitterly, I had but finished dressing when I wasstartled by a knock on my door and by the entrance, to my summons, ofthe elder and more subdued Floud, he of the drooping mustaches and themournful eyes of pale blue. One glance at his attire brought freshlyto my mind the atrocious difficulties of my new situation. I may becredited or not, but combined with tan boots and wretchedly fittingtrousers of a purple hue he wore a black frock-coat, revealing far,far too much of a blue satin "made" cravat on which was painted acluster of tiny white flowers--lilies of the valley, I should say.Unbelievably above this monstrous melange was a rather low-crownedbowler hat.
Hardly repressing a shudder, I bowed, whereupon he advanced solemnlyto me and put out his hand. To cover the embarrassing situationtactfully I extended my own, and we actually shook hands, although theclasp was limply quite formal.
"How do you do, Mr. Ruggles?" he began.
I bowed again, but speech failed me.
"She sent me over to get you," he went on. He uttered the word "She"with such profound awe that I knew he could mean none other than Mrs.Effie. It was most extraordinary, but I dare say only what was to havebeen expected from persons of this sort. In any good-class club oramong gentlemen at large it is customary to allow one at leasttwenty-four hours for the payment of one's gambling debts. Yet there Iwas being collected by the winner at so early an hour as half-afterseven. If I had been a five-pound note instead of myself, I fancy itwould have been quite the same. These Americans would most indecentlyhave sent for their winnings before the Honourable George hadawakened. One would have thought they had expected him to refusepayment of me after losing me the night before. How little they seemedto realize that we were both intending to be dead sportsmen.
"Very good, sir," I said, "but I trust I may be allowed to brew theHonourable George his tea before leaving? I'd hardly like to trust tohim alone with it, sir."
"Yes, sir," he said, so respectfully that it gave me an odd feeling."Take your time, Mr. Ruggles. I don't know as I am in any hurry on myown account. It's only account of Her."
I trust it will be remembered that in reporting this person's speechesI am making an earnest effort to set them down word for word in alltheir terrific peculiarities. I mean to say, I would not be heldaccountable for his phrasing, and if I corrected his speech, as ofcourse the tendency is, our identities might become confused. I hopethis will be understood when I report him as saying things in ways onedoesn't word them. I mean to say that it should not be thought that Iwould say them in this way if it chanced that I were saying the samethings in my proper person. I fancy this should now be plain.
"Very well, sir," I said.
"If it was me," he went on, "I wouldn't want you a little bit. Butit's Her. She's got her mind made up to do the right thing and have usall be somebody, and when she makes her mind up----" He hesitated andstudied the ceiling for some seconds. "Believe me," he continued,"Mrs. Effie is some wildcat!"
"Yes, sir--some wildcat," I repeated.
"Believe _me_, Bill," he said again, quaintly addressing me by aname not my own--"believe me, she'd fight a rattlesnake and give itthe first two bites."
Again let it be recalled that I put down this extraordinary speechexactly as I heard it. I thought to detect in it that grotesqueexaggeration with which the Americans so distressingly embellish theirhumour. I mean to say, it could hardly have been meant in allseriousness. So far as my researches have extended, the rattlesnake isan invariably poisonous reptile. Fancy giving one so downright anadvantage as the first two bites, or even one bite, although I believethe thing does not in fact bite at all, but does one down with itsforked tongue, of which there is an excellent drawing in my littlevolume, "Inquire Within; 1,000 Useful Facts."
"Yes, sir," I replied, somewhat at a loss; "quite so, sir!"
"I just thought I'd wise you up beforehand."
"Thank you, sir," I said, for his intention beneath the weird jargonwas somehow benevolent. "And if you'll be good enough to wait until Ihave taken tea to the Honourable George----"
"How is the Judge this morning?" he broke in.
"The Judge, sir?" I was at a loss, until he gestured toward the roomof the Honourable George.
"The Judge, yes. Ain't he a justice of the peace or something?"
"But no, sir; not at all, sir."
"Then what do you call him 'Honourable' for, if he ain't a judge orsomething?"
"Well, sir, it's done, sir," I explained, but I fear he was unable tocatch my meaning, for a moment later (the Honourable George, hearingour voices, had thrown a boot smartly against the door) he wasaddressing him as "Judge" and thereafter continued to do so, nor didthe Honourable George seem to make any moment of being thus miscalled.
I served the Ceylon tea, together with biscuits and marmalade, thewhile our caller chatted nervously. He had, it appeared, procured hisown breakfast while on his way to us.
"I got to have my ham and eggs of a morning," he confided. "But shewon't let me have anything at that hotel but a continental breakfast,which is nothing but coffee and toast and some of that there sauceyou're eating. She says when I'm on the continent I got to eat acontinental breakfast, because that's the smart thing to do, and notstuff myself like I was on the ranch; but I got that game beat bothways from the jack. I duck out every morning before she's up. I founda place where you can get regular ham and eggs."
"Regular ham and eggs?" murmured the Honourable George.
"French ham and eggs is a joke. They put a slice of boiled ham in alittle dish, slosh a couple of eggs on it, and tuck the dish into theoven a few minutes. Say, they won't ever believe that back in Red Gapwhen I tell it. But I found this here little place where they do itright, account of Americans having made trouble so much over the otherway. But, mind you, don't let on to her," he warned me suddenly.
"Certainly not, sir," I said. "Trust me to be discreet, sir."
"All right, then. Maybe we'll get on better than what I thought wewould. I was looking for trouble with you, the way she's been talkingabout what you'd do for me."
"I trust matters will be pleasant, sir," I replied.
"I can be pushed just so far," he curiously warned me, "and nofarther--not by any man that wears hair."
> "Yes, sir," I said again, wondering what the wearing of hair mightmean to this process of pushing him, and feeling rather absurdly gladthat my own face is smoothly shaven.
"You'll find Ruggles fairish enough after you've got used to hisways," put in the Honourable George.
"All right, Judge; and remember it wasn't my doings," said my newemployer, rising and pulling down to his ears his fearful bowler hat."And now we better report to her before she does a hot-foot over here.You can pack your grip later in the day," he added to me.
"Pack my grip--yes, sir," I said numbly, for I was on the tick ofleaving the Honourable George helpless in bed. In a voice that I fearwas broken I spoke of clothes for the day's wear which I had laid outfor him the night before. He waved a hand bravely at us and sank backinto his pillow as my new employer led me forth. There had been barelya glance between us to betoken the dreadfulness of the moment.
At our door I was pleased to note that a taximetre cab awaited us. Ihad acutely dreaded a walk through the streets, even of Paris, with mynew employer garbed as he was. The blue satin cravat of itself wouldhave been bound to insure us more attention than one would care for.
I fear we were both somewhat moody during the short ride. Each of usseemed to have matters of weight to reflect upon. Only upon reachingour destination did my companion brighten a bit. For a fare of fivefrancs forty centimes he gave the driver a ten-franc piece and waitedfor no change.
"I always get around them that way," he said with an expression of thebrightest cunning. "She used to have the laugh on me because I got somuch counterfeit money handed to me. Now I don't take any change atall."
"Yes, sir," I said. "Quite right, sir."
"There's more than one way to skin a cat," he added as we ascended tothe Floud's drawing-room, though why his mind should have flown tothis brutal sport, if it be a sport, was quite beyond me. At the doorhe paused and hissed at me: "Remember, no matter what she says, if youtreat me white I'll treat you white." And before I could frame anysuitable response to this puzzling announcement he had opened the doorand pushed me in, almost before I could remove my cap.
Seated at the table over coffee and rolls was Mrs. Effie. Her facebrightened as she saw me, then froze to disapproval as her glancerested upon him I was to know as Cousin Egbert. I saw her capablemouth set in a straight line of determination.
"You did your very worst, didn't you?" she began. "But sit down andeat your breakfast. He'll soon change _that_." She turned to me."Now, Ruggles, I hope you understand the situation, and I'm sure I cantrust you to take no nonsense from him. You see plainly what you'vegot to do. I let him dress to suit himself this morning, so that youcould know the worst at once. Take a good look at him--shoes, coat,hat--that dreadful cravat!"
"I call this a right pretty necktie," mumbled her victim over a crustof toast. She had poured coffee for him.
"You hear that?" she asked me. I bowed sympathetically.
"What does he look like?" she insisted. "Just tell him for his owngood, please."
But this I could not do. True enough, during our short ride he hadbeen reminding me of one of a pair of cross-talk comedians I had onceseen in a music-hall. This, of course, was not a thing one could say.
"I dare say, Madam, he could be smartened up a bit. If I might takehim to some good-class shop----"
"And burn the things he's got on----" she broke in.
"Not this here necktie," interrupted Cousin Egbert rather stubbornly."It was give to me by Jeff Tuttle's littlest girl last Christmas; andthis here Prince Albert coat--what's the matter of it, I'd like toknow? It come right from the One Price Clothing Store at Red Gap, andit's plenty good to go to funerals in----"
"And then to a barber-shop with him," went on Mrs. Effie, who had paidno heed to his outburst. "Get him done right for once."
Her relative continued to nibble nervously at a bit of toast.
"I've done something with him myself," she said, watching himnarrowly. "At first he insisted on having the whole bill-of-fare forbreakfast, but I put my foot down, and now he's satisfied with thecontinental breakfast. That goes to show he has something in him, ifwe can only bring it out."
"Something in him, indeed, yes, Madam!" I assented, and Cousin Egbert,turning to me, winked heavily.
"I want him to look like some one," she resumed, "and I think you'rethe man can make him if you're firm with him; but you'll have to befirm, because he's full of tricks. And if he starts any rough stuff,just come to me."
"Quite so, Madam," I said, but I felt I was blushing with shame athearing one of my own sex so slanged by a woman. That sort of thingwould never do with us. And yet there was something about thiswoman--something weirdly authoritative. She showed rather well in themorning light, her gray eyes crackling as she talked. She was wearinga most elaborate peignoir, and of course she should not have worn thediamonds; it seemed almost too much like the morning hour of a stagefavourite; but still one felt that when she talked one would do wellto listen.
Hereupon Cousin Egbert startled me once more.
"Won't you set up and have something with us, Mr. Ruggles?" he asked me.
I looked away, affecting not to have heard, and could feel Mrs. Effiescowling at him. He coughed into his cup and sprayed coffee well overhimself. His intention had been obvious in the main, though exactlywhat he had meant by "setting up" I couldn't fancy--as if I had been aperforming poodle!
The moment's embarrassment was well covered by Mrs. Effie, who againrenewed her instructions, and from an escritoire brought me a sheaf ofthe pretentiously printed sheets which the French use in place of ourbanknotes.
"You will spare no expense," she directed, "and don't let me see himagain until he looks like some one. Try to have him back here by five.Some very smart friends of ours are coming for tea."
"I won't drink tea at that outlandish hour for any one," said CousinEgbert rather snappishly.
"You will at least refuse it like a man of the world, I hope," shereplied icily, and he drooped submissive once more. "You see?" sheadded to me.
"Quite so, Madam," I said, and resolved to be firm and thorough withCousin Egbert. In a way I was put upon my mettle. I swore to make himlook like some one. Moreover, I now saw that his half-veiled threatsof rebellion to me had been pure swank. I had in turn but to threatento report him to this woman and he would be as clay in my hands.
I presently had him tucked into a closed taxicab, half-heartedlymuttering expostulations and protests to which I paid not the leastheed. During my strolls I had observed in what would have been RegentStreet at home a rather good-class shop with an English name, and tothis I now proceeded with my charge. I am afraid I rather hustled himacross the pavement and into the shop, not knowing what tricks hemight be up to, and not until he was well to the back did I attempt toexplain myself to the shop-walker who had followed us. To him I thengave details of my charge's escape from a burning hotel the previousnight, which accounted for his extraordinary garb of the moment, hehaving been obliged to accept the loan of garments that neither fittedhim nor harmonized with one another. I mean to say, I did not care tohave the chap suspect we would don tan boots, a frock-coat, and bowlerhat except under the most tremendous compulsion.
Cousin Egbert stared at me open mouthed during this recital, but theshop-walker was only too readily convinced, as indeed who would nothave been, and called an intelligent assistant to relieve ourdistress. With his help I swiftly selected an outfit that was not halfbad for ready-to-wear garments. There was a black morning-coat, snugat the waist, moderately broad at the shoulders, closing with twobuttons, its skirt sharply cut away from the lower button and reachingto the bend of the knee. The lapels were, of course, soft-rolled andjoined the collar with a triangular notch. It is a coat of immensecharacter when properly worn, and I was delighted to observe in thetrying on that Cousin Egbert filled it rather smartly. Moreover, hesubmitted more meekly than I had hoped. The trousers I selected wereof gray cloth, faintly striped, the waistcoat being of the samem
aterial as the coat, relieved at the neck-opening by an edging ofwhite.
With the boots I had rather more trouble, as he refused to wear thepatent leathers that I selected, together with the pearl gray spats,until I grimly requested the telephone assistant to put me through tothe hotel, desiring to speak to Mrs. Senator Floud. This brought himaround, although muttering, and I had less trouble with shirts,collars, and cravats. I chose a shirt of white pique, a wing collarwith small, square-cornered tabs, and a pearl ascot.
Then in a cabinet I superintended Cousin Egbert's change of raiment.We clashed again in the matter of sock-suspenders, which I wasastounded to observe he did not possess. He insisted that he had neverworn them--garters he called them--and never would if he were shot forit, so I decided to be content with what I had already gained.
By dint of urging and threatening I at length achieved my ground-workand was more than a little pleased with my effect, as was theshop-assistant, after I had tied the pearl ascot and adjusted a quiettie-pin of my own choosing.
"Now I hope you're satisfied!" growled my charge, seizing his bowlerhat and edging off.
"By no means," I said coldly. "The hat, if you please, sir."
He gave it up rebelliously, and I had again to threaten him with thetelephone before he would submit to a top-hat with a moderate bell andbroad brim. Surveying this in the glass, however, he becameperceptibly reconciled. It was plain that he rather fancied it, thoughas yet he wore it consciously and would turn his head slowly andpainfully, as if his neck were stiffened.
Having chosen the proper gloves, I was, I repeat, more than pleasedwith this severely simple scheme of black, white, and gray. I felt Ihad been wise to resist any tendency to colour, even to the mostdelicate of pastel tints. My last selection was a smartish Malaccastick, the ideal stick for town wear, which I thrust into thedefenceless hands of my client.
"And now, sir," I said firmly, "it is but a step to a barber's stopwhere English is spoken." And ruefully he accompanied me. I dare saythat by that time he had discovered that I was not to be trifled with,for during his hour in the barber's chair he did not once rebelopenly. Only at times would he roll his eyes to mine in dumb appeal.There was in them something of the utter confiding helplessness I hadnoted in the eyes of an old setter at Chaynes-Wotten when I had beencalled upon to assist the undergardener in chloroforming him. I meanto say, the dog had jolly well known something terrible was being doneto him, yet his eyes seemed to say he knew it must be all for the bestand that he trusted us. It was this look I caught as I gave directionsabout the trimming of the hair, and especially when I directed thatsomething radical should be done to the long, grayish moustache thatfell to either side of his chin in the form of a horseshoe. I myselfwas puzzled by this difficulty, but the barber solved it ratherneatly, I thought, after a whispered consultation with me. He snippeda bit off each end and then stoutly waxed the whole affair until theends stood stiffly out with distinct military implications. I shallnever forget, and indeed I was not a little touched by the look ofquivering anguish in the eyes of my client when he first beheld thisnovel effect. And yet when we were once more in the street I could notbut admit that the change was worth all that it had cost him insuffering. Strangely, he now looked like some one, especially after Ihad persuaded him to a carnation for his buttonhole. I cannot say thathis carriage was all that it should have been, and he was stillconscious of his smart attire, but I nevertheless felt a distinctthrill of pride in my own work, and was eager to reveal him to Mrs.Effie in his new guise.
But first he would have luncheon--dinner he called it--and I was notaverse to this, for I had put in a long and trying morning. I wentwith him to the little restaurant where Americans had made so muchtrouble about ham and eggs, and there he insisted that I should joinhim in chops and potatoes and ale. I thought it only proper then topoint out to him that there was certain differences in our walks oflife which should be more or less denoted by his manner of addressingme. Among other things he should not address me as Mr. Ruggles, norwas it customary for a valet to eat at the same table with his master.He seemed much interested in these distinctions and thereuponaddressed me as "Colonel," which was of course quite absurd, but thisI could not make him see. Thereafter, I may say, that he called meimpartially either "Colonel" or "Bill." It was a situation that I hadnever before been obliged to meet, and I found it trying in theextreme. He was a chap who seemed ready to pal up with any one, and Icould not but recall the strange assertion I had so often heard thatin America one never knows who is one's superior. Fancy that! It wouldnever do with us. I could only determine to be on my guard.
Our luncheon done, he consented to accompany me to the hotel of theHonourable George, whence I wished to remove my belongings. I shouldhave preferred to go alone, but I was too fearful of what he might doto himself or his clothes in my absence.
We found the Honourable George still in bed, as I had feared. He had,it seemed, been unable to discover his collar studs, which, though Ihad placed them in a fresh shirt for him, he had carelessly coveredwith a blanket. Begging Cousin Egbert to be seated in my room, I did afew of the more obvious things required by my late master.
"You'd leave me here like a rat in a trap," he said reproachfully,which I thought almost quite a little unjust. I mean to say, it hadall been his own doing, he having lost me in the game of drawingpoker, so why should he row me about it now? I silently laid out theshirt once more.
"You might have told me where I'm to find my brown tweeds and the bodylinen."
Again he was addressing me as if I had voluntarily left him withoutnotice, but I observed that he was still mildly speckled from thenight before, so I handed him the fruit-lozenges, and went to pack myown box. Cousin Egbert I found sitting as I had left him, on the edgeof a chair, carefully holding his hat, stick, and gloves, and staringinto the wall. He had promised me faithfully not to fumble with hiscravat, and evidently he had not once stirred. I packed my boxswiftly--my "grip," as he called it--and we were presently off oncemore, without another sight of the Honourable George, who was to joinus at tea. I could hear him moving about, using rather ultra-frightfullanguage, but I lacked heart for further speech with him at themoment.
An hour later, in the Floud drawing-room, I had the supremesatisfaction of displaying to Mrs. Effie the happy changes I had beenable to effect in my charge. Posing him, I knocked at the door of herchamber. She came at once and drew a long breath as she surveyed him,from varnished boots, spats, and coat to top-hat, which he still wore.He leaned rather well on his stick, the hand to his hip, the elbowout, while the other hand lightly held his gloves. A moment shelooked, then gave a low cry of wonder and delight, so that I feltrepaid for my trouble. Indeed, as she faced me to thank me I could seethat her eyes were dimmed.
"Wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Now he looks like some one!" And Idistinctly perceived that only just in time did she repress an impulseto grasp me by the hand. Under the circumstances I am not sure that Iwouldn't have overlooked the lapse had she yielded to it. "Wonderful!"she said again.
{Illustration: "WONDERFUL! NOW HE LOOKS LIKE SOME ONE"}
Hereupon Cousin Egbert, much embarrassed, leaned his stick against thewall; the stick fell, and in reaching down for it his hat fell, and inreaching for that he dropped his gloves; but I soon restored him toorder and he was safely seated where he might be studied in furtherdetail, especially as to his moustaches, which I had considered ratherthe supreme touch.
"He looks exactly like some well-known clubman," exclaimed Mrs. Effie.
Her relative growled as if he were quite ready to savage her.
"Like a man about town," she murmured. "Who would have thought he hadit in him until you brought it out?" I knew then that we two shouldunderstand each other.
The slight tension was here relieved by two of the hotel servants whobrought tea things. At a nod from Mrs. Effie I directed the laying outof these.
At that moment came the other Floud, he of the eyebrows, and a cousincub called Elmer, wh
o, I understood, studied art. I became aware thatthey were both suddenly engaged and silenced by the sight of CousinEgbert. I caught their amazed stares, and then terrifically they brokeinto gales of laughter. The cub threw himself on a couch, waving hisfeet in the air, and holding his middle as if he'd suffered a suddenacute dyspepsia, while the elder threw his head back and shriekedhysterically. Cousin Egbert merely glared at them and, endeavouringto stroke his moustache, succeeded in unwaxing one side of it so thatit once more hung limply down his chin, whereat they renewed theirboorishness. The elder Floud was now quite dangerously purple, and thecub on the couch was shrieking: "No matter how dark the clouds, remembershe is still your stepmother," or words to some such silly effect asthat. How it might have ended I hardly dare conjecture--perhaps CousinEgbert would presently have roughed them--but a knock sounded, and itbecame my duty to open our door upon other guests, women mostly;Americans in Paris; that sort of thing.
I served the tea amid their babble. The Honourable George was shown upa bit later, having done to himself quite all I thought he might inthe matter of dress. In spite of serious discrepancies in his attire,however, I saw that Mrs. Effie meant to lionize him tremendously. Withvast ceremony he was presented to her guests--the Honourable GeorgeAugustus Vane-Basingwell, brother of his lordship the Earl ofBrinstead. The women fluttered about him rather, though he behavedmoodily, and at the first opportunity fell to the tea and cakes quitewholeheartedly.
In spite of my aversion to the American wilderness, I felt a bit ofprofessional pride in reflecting that my first day in this new servicewas about to end so auspiciously. Yet even in that moment, being asyet unfamiliar with the room's lesser furniture, I stumbled slightlyagainst a hassock hid from me by the tray I carried. A cup of tea waslost, though my recovery was quick. Too late I observed that thehitherto self-effacing Cousin Egbert was in range of my clumsiness.
"There goes tea all over my new pants!" he said in a high, painedvoice.
"Sorry, indeed, sir," said I, a ready napkin in hand. "Let me dry it,sir!"
"Yes, sir, I fancy quite so, sir," said he.
I most truly would have liked to shake him smartly for this. I sawthat my work was cut out for me among these Americans, from whom attheir best one expects so little.
Ruggles of Red Gap Page 2