by J. Haney
“It’s cooking, sweetie,” I tell her. “Mr. Hudson is making us all something to eat.”
She turns to Caleb. “Cal, will you help me and Jax find some toys?”
Caleb holds out his hand. “Come on then, sweetheart.” She takes his hand and they head upstairs together.
“Caleb, try the baby room right off from my old room,” I say loud enough for him to hear me. I walk over to Travis and look at what he’s cooking. It looks lumpy. Sweet Jesus, if we make it through this meal, I will make sure and start cooking before he can again. “So, um, what are we having?”
“Oh this is my famous bubble and squeak. Mashed potatoes with onion, cabbage, and then we got some sausages in the oven to go with it. It’s Caleb’s favorite. He always talks about this meal, and it’s famous.”
I can’t help but turn away and roll my eyes at the thought with a nervous chuckle. Caleb has done nothing but warn of his father’s cooking. I can’t imagine him having a favorite dish. I busy myself by pulling out plates, silverware, and cups for everyone. I turn when I hear the twins and Caleb return from their search.
“Take it into the living room… okay?” I sit down at the table. The last few days have worn me out. I cross my arms on the table and put my head down. I just need a moment… maybe two.
I jerk awake when someone touches me. I look around and stretch. Caleb stands beside me. “Hey.” I blush a little for falling asleep at the table. Travis is still manning the stove, and I can hear the kids playing in the living room.
Caleb smiles down at me then squats beside me. “Is everything okay?” I get a bit worried because he is still watching me closely. He smiles at me and brushes the hair away from my face. He sneaks me a couple of antacids and grins at me.
I look down at what Caleb just put in my hand. Giving him a raised eyebrow, I kiss his cheek and whisper, “The food’s going to be that bad?”
“I wanted to wake you up before dinner. You might need those though.” He lifts my head level with his and kisses my lips tenderly, then sits back and smiles at me again. “I’ve also slipped them to the kids.”
“Oh, dear lord.” I laugh quietly, shaking my head.
A few minutes later and the plates are piled high. Ava and Jax poke at their food and then look up at me; I give them a tight smile as I take a bite.
Oh... my… God. This is horrible.
The overnight is rough; I’m making myself lie still so I don’t wake Caleb. He’s so burdened with worry. I guess I was lying a bit; this is not easy for me at all. I feel Caleb stir next to me so I close my eyes quickly and pretend to be asleep. I roll over as I hear Caleb shut the door. After several minutes I decide I can’t lie there any longer.
As I walk down the hall, I can tell he is in Mom and Dad’s room by the little light that’s on. I’m not ready to go in there, so I make my way downstairs and back into the kitchen, where I pour a glass of wine. The events of the day have finally caught up to me. I killed someone today, and now we are in my family home. How in the hell am I not breaking down yet?
Oh, I remember why now. Travis said I needed to be strong. So, here I am being strong, and it sucks.
***
This place reminds me of everything good and bad in my life. I open my eyes as I feel Caleb stir beside me. I run my hand up his side and snuggle in closer to him. I know that I should have probably slept in a different room from him, but I couldn’t stand the idea of sleeping in this house alone.
“Sleep well?” I ask quietly. I’m not fully awake yet.
“Hmm?” Caleb says as he checks the clock beside him. “Ahh, fuck!”
Caleb throws on his jeans from last night and grabs his gun from the nightstand before rushing out the door. I get out of bed and throw on a summer dress before I walk to the doorway. No sooner have I stepped out then he grabs my wrist and jerks me downstairs.
“What the hell, Caleb?” is all I get out before I run smack into him. Caleb looks at his father, seething.
“What the fuck, Dad?”
Travis has quite the amused look on his face. I side step Caleb, walk to the coffee pot, and pour a cup.
“Someone want to clue me in as to what the hell is going on?” I ask. “Caleb, calm down. Jax and Ava will flip out if they hear you.”
Caleb shoots daggers in my direction. Ignoring the looks, I sit down and start to talk with Travis, but Caleb interrupts, shouting.
“Pardon me for giving a fuck about my father and the kids!”
I snap my head in his direction, but he has already stormed back upstairs. Travis stands and places a hand on my shoulder.
“The kids are fine. They have already had breakfast, and they are now in the living room watching cartoons. I’m going to check on grouchy and see if I can calm him down.” I can’t help but smile up at him. It’s nice to have a father figure around again, even if he’s a little odd.
“Thanks, Travis, but you really should have woken me up.”
He stops me from saying another word with a hand. “It’s what we Hudsons do. Take care of our own.”
With that he leaves me in search of Caleb.
“Our own”? Chewing on that remark and the inside of my cheek, I can hear the kids in the living room arguing. “Would you two stop with all the bickering?” I say, raising my voice a little as I round the corner. Jax and Ava jerk when they see me.
“We thought you were asleep with Caleb,” Jax deadpans. Yep, this can’t be good.
Not wanting to face that question, I put my hands on my hips. “What have you two been up to?” They look at each other guiltily and I snap, “Spill it already!”
“Jax said we should go outside and play,” Ava says, “so I followed him, but then Mr. Hudson made us come back inside.”
Jax pipes in. “He was kinda mad and said we can’t go out ‘til we ask you.” He looks hopeful, and I want to let them roam but I know that it’s not possible just yet.
“You both know better than to just run off.” I shake my head and sit down on the couch with a sigh. “Listen, I know you have questions and I want to answer them. But I need a little time. Let me make lunch, and we can revisit it all… okay?”
Ava smiles and nods, and Jaxson goes back to his handheld game. I kiss them both on the head and go to see what I can whip up for lunch.
I decide on grilled cheese and tomato soup. Just as I’m about to call the kids in, it occurs to me that Caleb and Travis have been upstairs for a quite a while. I refill my coffee cup and look at the stuff on the table that Travis had been going through. When I realize it’s from my parents’ bedroom safe, I decide it’s best to feed the kids in the living room.
I get a tray together and am about to head to the kids when I finally hear the men coming back downstairs. I want to turn and smile at them but don’t. I can see Caleb out of the corner of my eye and he resembles Jaxson when he’s pouting. I really don’t feel like dealing with any more shouting right now.
“Lunch is done; I’m feeding them in the other room.” As I turn the corner, I see them on the couch, knocked out cold. With a sigh I put down the tray to go back for their milk, but slam right into Caleb instead.
I hadn’t realized he’d followed me. He grabs my hand and pulls me to his side. Staring at the floor, he rubs my wrist gently. I look down and see the red marks from his hands; they must be from his dragging me down the stairs.
“I’m sorry about before. I shouldn’t have shouted and I sure as hell should not have left these marks on you.” Caleb kisses my wrist. “I was worried about Pops and the kids.”
“You didn’t hurt me that bad.” I turn my wrist so he can see I can move it with no pain. “See, it’s okay. Why don’t we take a walk and you can tell me what the hell is really going on?”
Caleb nods and we walk back to the kitchen. Travis is already there eating.
“We’re going to take a walk; we’ll be back in a few,” I say with a smile.
Travis waves a hand at us. As I glance at Caleb, several differe
nt emotions pass over his face. We walk out the back door to the field up the way.
Chapter Thirty-Five ~ Caleb
As we walk through the neglected field, behind the house, I’m very much in my head. I can’t believe I can’t get my shit under control. Pops smacked the shit out of me after my little tantrum, telling me that if he ever sees me lay hands on a woman again he’ll drop my ass back in the well.
Kyler pulls me along and sits down in front of a large old oak tree. It looks ancient like it’s been here since the beginning of time. She pats the ground beside her, looking up at me with love and trust in those big green eyes.
“Come on, my sweet man, sit down here with me.”
She’s watching me as I sit and stare at the ground. I know she suspects that freak-out was over more than just oversleeping, but I don’t talk about myself so well. She turns to me and palms my stubble-covered face, making me look at her.
“Talk to me. It’s just us out here. Anything you say to me stays with me. I promise.”
I stare at her, collecting my thoughts. “I’m sorry about earlier. I’m not usually that irritable, it’s just, the idea that the house was so quiet so late in the day… I got worried about everyone, last time things got quiet...”
I look away quickly; I don’t want to burden her any more than she already is. She reaches over and takes my hand.
“Caleb, that doesn’t tell me a damn thing. I get you were worried about your father, but we would have heard if something was wrong. Ava’s scream would have woken everyone in the house up. So I am going to give you a few minutes to pull your thoughts together and then try again. While you do that, I am going to lean back and look at all this beauty in front of me.”
She kisses my cheek and sits back. It really is a beautiful spot, and it’s higher ground, which allows me to see the house from all angles. I look at her, then back to the ground, running my hands through my hair and down my face, a sure sign I don’t want to have this conversation.
“Well, we—I didn’t really hear anything back at Mom, er, Pop’s place, and he had a gun to his head so, you know, that just got me spooked, that's all,” I mumble through my hands.
She draws up her knees and wraps her arms around them. “Caleb, my feelings for you are very strong, as I have said, but if you lie to me one more time or just try and skip the parts that you don’t want to talk with me about, you will be sleeping on your own. I won’t let you leave because I got you into this mess, but I will not pretend with you, either. So would you like to try that again?”
I sigh and stand up. She watches me as I pace. I try to speak but the words won’t come. I’m kicking myself with each second that goes by and I keep her waiting. I can see her heart begin to shatter, the look of trust on her face fading.
“What do you want me to say? I’m no good at this sort of thing. I don’t want you to be mad at me, it’s just I’m not a touchy-feely emotional guy, that’s all.” I kick up grass. “I don’t know what you need from me, and everything I do say right now seems to be making things worse. Pushing me is not going to make me any better at this!” My voice rises. The frustration over being the man I am and being the man she needs are in opposition.
“Caleb, I’m not trying to be mean to you, but for this to work we need to be able to talk about our feelings and what is bothering us. If you’re pissed at me then tell me. There is something between us, but it can’t be one of us talking and the other agreeing.” Staring up at me, she stands. “How do you feel about me and the twins? Do you like this? What am I missing?” She throws her hands in the air as tears begin to fall. “You tell me what you want me to do. If this isn’t working, then tell me please.”
She turns from me and heads back down the hill toward the house. I can’t let her walk away, not like this. Not when every fiber of my being is aching to keep her. I run down the hill, sliding nearly toppling to catch her by the arms. She tries to fight me, but I’m not letting go. I refuse to let her walk away from me. Not now, not ever. She finally lets me turn her to me, and I kiss her forehead, wiping at the tears on her cheeks. Tears I caused.
“You know I care about you,” I start. She looks up at me, swallowing hard. “What I mean is, I do have strong feelings for you. I enjoy having Ava and Jax around. It’s nice... no, wait, that’s lame. I suck at this… I’m sorry.”
I pull away for a moment and rub my mouth, trying to coax out the reality of my fears. She’s just staring at me. Fuck. Just man the fuck up, boy, I hear Pops say in my head. I take a deep breath.
“Everyone I love dies on me, okay? That’s why I freaked out earlier, the silence, then not finding Pops or the twins in their rooms. It scared the fuck out of me and that’s why I was rough with you. I didn’t mean to freak out. It’s just that people I’m meant to look after die, and I don’t want that to happen to you.”
She looks like she’s in shock, like she didn’t see these thoughts of mine coming. I’m counting the seconds until her expression softens and she reaches up to touch my face. She wipes a tear away. When the hell did that happen, I wonder. This woman… she’s breaking down all of my defenses.
“Caleb, it shouldn’t take me walking away or getting upset for you to talk to me. We both have shitty pasts. I don’t have anyone in my family left except for Avaline and Jaxson. So I understand the freak-out. Do you realize you are the first man I’ve let into my life romantically since I was a kid? You think this doesn’t freak me out? Hell, everything freaks me out right now. I have never cried so much in my life.”
She turns from me, sniffling. Fuck, look at the two of us, crying in the middle of a barren field. I reach for her, and she puts up her hand to still me.
“I can handle people following the twins and me. I can even deal with people trying to kill us, but this thing between you and me has me all twisted up because I’ve never had this with anyone, not even the twins’ father. So when you bull up and won’t talk to me, that makes me think I’ve done something wrong and you just possibly might leave and we’ll be alone again.”
She wipes her face so I can’t see those tears when she looks back at me. “What I’m trying to say is, you have awakened this feeling within me and I don’t want it to stop. I love you, Caleb. You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to know how I feel.”
This thing we have is intense. We stand there staring at each other until I put my arms around her and kiss her tenderly but passionately. My body knows how to answer her to show her how I feel, but my mouth can’t connect the words. I pull back. I know she needs to hear me.
“You’re not going to lose me. I know I’m difficult at times. I don’t mean to be. Emotions are considered a sign of weakness in our house, and it’s going to take a while to get out of that habit. I need your patience and time.” I smile, swiping at the tear on my cheek, and kiss her again. “You know I’m crazy about you.”
That seems to satisfy her, and we walk back down to the house, her hand wrapped tightly in mine. Have I said enough? I wonder as we reach the door. I glance from her to the twins inside. I need to be the man she deserves, and the man she deserves can tell her. I squeeze her hand.
“I love you, Kyler.”
I let her go and head into the house to be greeted by the twins asking where we’ve been.
“Just walking. Next time you guys can come.” I smile, looking over at Kyler, who hasn’t come inside yet. She holds a finger up and disappears from sight. Did I fuck it up… again? I excuse myself and find her sitting on the swing near the side of the house. I squat down in front of her.
“You all right?” I ask, and when she just stares at me, I add, “It’s a simple question. Just answer it.”
“You… Well...” She clears her throat. “You left me speechless. I’m, um, thinking about what the hell just happened. I was good with strong feelings, and then you said you loved me and caught me off guard. Sorry.” She’s staring at the ground between her feet. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound whiny.”
&
nbsp; Tears fall down her face again. Christ, I can’t seem to make her smile. I pull her to me.
“But that’s a good thing, isn’t it, for me to be able to tell you how I feel?” She tucks her head into me with a nod.
“It’s a great thing. I’m just not use to hearing it. It may take some time.” She wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly, then wipes her face before leaning up to kiss me. “Thank you for letting me in.”
Chapter Thirty-Six ~ Kyler
I put the kids to bed, then we take a blanket and a little cooler stocked with wine and beer back out to my favorite tree. We sit outside for hours, just listening to music and talking. We talk about nothing in particular, but at the same time, touch on everything. We bicker over a radio station because I’m a country gal and he’s apparently a rock dude. So we pick a station that plays everything, his music and mine. I know we have heard more rock music than anything. I have to admit he has a decent voice and can sing Hailstorm’s Here’s to Us to me any time he wants. Just as I stand up and start to ask if he wants a beer or something, one of my favorite songs comes on.
“Oh my God, this is my song!” I sing right before I hear Luke Bryan sing it, which has Caleb chuckling at me. I pull on his hand to get him to dance with me. What I get instead is much better: Caleb’s arms wrapping around my waist as pulls me closer to him. My breath quickens as he strokes my chin with his thumb and forefinger. He lifts my face gently, and my tongue darts out to wet my lips just as our eyes meet. His head lowers and there’s this spark just as his lips touch mine. My fingers get tangled in his shirt as his tongue parts my lips, my mouth willingly granting him entry. God, I want to kiss this man for the rest of my life.
We break the kiss and try to catch our breath, and I smile when the song gets to the part where Luke Bryan sings “play it again.” I grab the collar of Caleb’s shirt and pull him toward me. Caleb doesn’t hesitate for a second. Swiftly, his hands are on my ass and I let out a gasp as he lifts me up. Just as I wrap my legs around his waist, he puts my back against the tree. Caleb’s hands tighten on my ass as my fingers tangle in his hair and I pull it just enough that our eyes meet. Without a word, an entire conversation passes between us. I knew once this started I wouldn’t stop it. Something changes in Caleb’s eyes; they fill with a deep hunger as his hands move from my ass. He gathers the top of my shirt in each hand and tears it, sending buttons flying everywhere. I run my hands down his chest to the hem of his shirt and yank it over his head.