by J. Haney
Jaxson’s funeral is tomorrow, and she’s insisted on having the gathering at the family house since we’ve finished the cleanup. I tried to dissuade her, but she’s adamant. Telling me she’s not going to be bullied and pushed out of her home ever again. I’ve made all of the arrangements as she wished them. Now it’s about getting her through it. I just hope that she will let me.
Chapter Forty-Two ~ Kyler
It’s been nine days since I held Jaxson in my arms, kissed his little face. Heard his handsome voice. It’s also been nine days since I’ve slept for more than a few minutes. I’ve lain on the couch with Jaxson’s teddy bear wrapped in my arms while Caleb has tried to get me to eat, or Avaline has tried to get me to play. I just can’t. This feels wrong without my baby boy with me.
I’ve planned the funeral, and it still doesn’t even seem possible. My precious baby boy will be buried with my family. Caleb has made sure everything is ready. I’ve never been to see my family’s graves, and the idea of all of this has me wanting to die just so I can be with them. Caleb keeps telling me I’m strong, but how would he know? He’s never been through this. He lost his mother and his sister. I’ve lost everyone, except my little angel, who is taking this better than could be imagined. Her twin, the one she has always shared everything with, is gone. I should be able to be there for her, but I just can’t.
I’ve been standing in front of the mirror for five minutes now. I’m in my black dress ready to go; I just need to walk out that door. Someone knocks, and I jerk toward the door, a pain shooting into my shoulder from the now patched gunshot wound.
“It’s time.” Caleb tries to smile, but it waivers. I nod, looking back at the mirror. I see the tears falling once again. I walk into the bathroom, and Caleb follows. I look down because I still can’t look into his eyes. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m embarrassed by how I’ve been acting or the fact that I won’t let him touch me. How do I say “okay, you can touch me” when all I want to do is to take Avaline and run far away? I got attached and let people catch up to me, and now my son is gone. Maybe I even blame Caleb a little.
“Kyler...” he whispers and in the mirror, I can see him reach for me. I reach for the door.
“I’ll be out in just a minute.” I hold the door, waiting for him to move, then shut it tight.
I fix myself up so unless you really knew me you wouldn’t have a clue that I’ve been in my own personal hell. After cleaning up my tear-stained face, not an easy feat in a sling, I grab my purse off the bed, checking to make sure I added tissues, and walk out of the bedroom. Walking through the hallway to go downstairs, I come face to face with the one person I could honestly do without seeing: Liam. I throw my hands in the air.
“Really? Him! You couldn’t let me run into someone I actually like? No, of course not, like my personal hell isn’t enough, you’re going to make me deal with this! I give up!” I shout to the ceiling.
“Um, you know I’m right in front of you, right?” he says. “I can hear everything you’re screeching, woman. Geez.”
Liam leans against the wall. I am so not in the mood for one of his heart to hearts.
“How can I help you, Liam?” I ask while trying to figure out a way around him.
“First, you can quit acting like nobody else is affected in all of this. Second, Caleb loves you and you’re killing him. Third, you have another child and she is just as tore up about all this as you are. Pops has been through hell and even he has tried to be there for you. You need to get out of your goddamned head and take a mother-fucking look around. You are pushing everyone who loves you away.” Once he finishes, I feel even more like shit.
“Who the hell do you think you are? Have you been where I am? No, you haven’t. I get that you’ve lost your mother and sister. Liam, I’ve lost everything I’ve ever loved. It’s only a matter of time ’til I lose Avaline and Caleb. What do you want me to do? I’d rather die than go through this ever again.” The tears are falling down my face so fast I can’t see through them. I drop, but Liam catches me before I hit the floor and wraps his arms around me. Why can I handle him touching me but I can’t even look at Caleb? I cry into his chest.
“Liam, I can’t do this anymore. I’m so scared.”
“Shh, it’s okay.” He rubs his hand up and down my back. “Kyler, you have more family than you could ever know. I wouldn’t give you so much shit if I didn’t like you. Nell loves you. I secretly think it’s because she’s happy not to be the only chick anymore. Caleb is so deeply in love with you I don’t think he even understands it yet. Pops already says you’re his daughter. He’s never once called Jacqui his daughter, and I’ve been married to her for years. Kyler, you still have the best love of all. You have Avaline. She’s an angel. She’s amazing and one day I hope Iz will be just like her.”
Liam sits me up and looks into my eyes. “Jaxson may not be here for you to see, but he’s always here in spirit and in your heart. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can ever take that from you.”
All I can do is nod at him. When I try to stand up, he takes my good hand and helps me. I think Liam and I may actually have a friendship. Just maybe. Well, ’til he makes his stupid comments.
Liam checks me over before giving me that smirk I hate and turning back down the stairs.
“Oh, Kyler. Congratulations.” Liam grins just before he walks down the stairs. What the hell was that about?
***
The ride to the funeral is surreal. Nobody speaks, they all just watch me. My guess would be to make sure I’m not going to crack. Liam got us a limo to take. Avaline, in her matching sling, is seated between Caleb and me. I still haven’t really made eye contact with him or said more than the odd word or two, but I know I need to talk to him, and not being able to really say anything right now, I decide to text him. Pulling out my phone, I open our messages.
Kyler:
We need to talk.
His phone goes off and he looks up at me, in question. I just nod down.
Caleb:
Okay… When?
Kyler:
Tonight once Avaline is asleep.
Caleb:
I can do that.
Kyler:
Okay, I will talk to you then.
Caleb:
Okay….
Caleb:
Kyler, I love you.
Kyler:
I know you do.
We finish texting just as we pull into the funeral home parking lot. Afterward everyone is coming back to our place. Once we stop, everyone but me gets out and heads inside.
I can’t do this. I can’t go in there and look at my precious boy lying in the casket. Putting my head in my hands, I begin to cry again.
Someone knocks on the window, and I jump. I open the door, figuring it’s Liam or Caleb coming to get me, and automatically just get out.
I’m not expecting to come face to face with Mrs. Ryan.
I scream and begin to look around for Mr. Ryan and his guys. Caleb, Liam, and Pops come bursting out the door. They don’t stop running until they have me behind them. Liam and Pops stand in front of me as Caleb inspects me from head to toe.
“She’s okay,” he sighs, relieved.
“Wh… what are you doing here?” I ask Mrs. Ryan.
“Charles told me everything. You got him good with that aim of yours. Just a little more to the right and you would have killed him, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to apologize; I never even had a clue what he was doing. I’ve always loved you and those babies. It kills me he let this happen to Jaxson. ” She stares at the ground, her face covered in tears. “I left him. I found myself a place in town here, and one day hope I can win your trust back.”
I shove through the guys and I’m in her arms in no time flat. I’m not sure who’s crying harder, April or myself. I’m not sure how long we cry in one another’s arms, but the sound of Liam’s voice brings me back to where we are.
“Who the fuck is this?” I assume he’s talking to C
aleb and Travis. “Excuse me, but who the fuck are you?”
I turn toward him. “Liam, this is Mrs. Ryan. April, this is Liam, Travis, and Caleb Hudson.” I indicate each man as I say their names, and smile just a little when I introduce Caleb.
“Ryan?” Liam shouts. “As in the dude that tried to kill you? The same dude that got Jaxson killed? What the fuck are you thinking, Kyler? We are at your son’s funeral.”
“I know very well where we are! I’ve been in hell because this is my fault. Had I not stayed with Caleb and instead kept the kids running like I’ve done all these years, Jaxson would still be here in my arms. I could hug him, kiss him, hell, just talk to him. I will never be able to do any of that ever again. You have no clue how I am feeling through all this. So please do me a favor for once and back the fuck up out of my face and leave me the fuck alone.” I shove him away from me.
I turn back to Mrs. Ryan, thank her for coming, and tell myself it’s time to suck it up and walk inside and look at my baby boy for the last time.
I don’t even take two steps inside the door when I feel the bile rising in my throat. I turn quick on my heels and back out the door and to the side of the building. What little was in my stomach no longer is. In a matter of seconds, Caleb is beside me, pulling my hair away from my face and rubbing my back. Hot tears flow down my face once again. As I stand, Liam hands a wet rag to Caleb and walks away. Caleb wipes my mouth and then cradles me against him.
“Caleb I can’t do this. My baby boy is gone. I just can’t.”
“Shh.”
“Mommy?” I look up when I hear Avaline’s voice. Caleb picks her up, and we are now in one big hug.
“Ky, Ava? We have to walk in now. We will do this together. Okay?” Caleb says.
Just as I’m about to shake my head no, Avaline’s little voice says, “Together.” She reaches for my hand. My little girl is so much braver than I could ever be.
I look from them to the door multiple times. Caleb’s hand finds mine and I finally sigh. “Together.”
Caleb carries Avaline and hugs me to his side, not letting me go even as we take our seats in the front. All I can remember is staring at the casket and waiting for everyone to say their goodbyes. Caleb walks with Avaline and I go by myself.
I stand at Jaxson’s casket just looking at him. He doesn’t even look like my baby boy anymore. Tears once again start to fall. Suck it up, Kyler, and let him know you got this and you will see him again.
“Jaxson,” I say, “my amazingly handsome little man, you will never know the pain I feel because you are no longer here with me. The pain that floods me because, had I just listened to you, you would still be here with me. I will never get to see you go on your first date, drive a car, go to prom, graduate, get married, or even have beautiful babies yourself. I have one thing in this life that I thank God for every day; sorry, make that two. I thank God every day that he gave me you and Ava. You two have brought me so much happiness and, no matter what we were going through, I knew we’d always be together.”
I wipe the tears from my face and fight the lump in my throat. “You have always been my brave little fighter. Now it’s time for you to run and play. Be free, my little man. Remember Mommy always loves you and misses you terribly each and every day.”
I place my hand on him and just take in everything once more before finally walking away.
Why does it feel like I am walking through a door? You know the saying, when one door closes another opens? Well, that’s how I feel and I’m not even sure why.
After visiting the gravesite, we head back to the house. The gravesite seemed to hit Avaline the hardest. I don’t like what we’re going through, but I now understand. Just talking to Jaxson seemed to calm me and I know now that I will talk to him for the rest of my life.
***
The house has been packed with people for hours. I’m more than ready for them to start leaving. I need to digest everything and talk to Caleb about what’s going on. As I look around, I can’t spot Avaline. I make my way toward the kitchen to check for her in there. Caleb must be able to tell I am panicking because he pushes through the crowd of people to get to me.
“What’s wrong, gorgeous?” Caleb asks. I glance up at him and then go back to scanning the room.
“Where’s Avaline? I can’t find her.” I all but scream. Liam and Nell take that as time to start getting people to leave. I run up the back staircase with Caleb hot on my heels. We run down the hall but come to a halt once we hit the room where Jaxson died. Avaline is lying on the bed crying. Caleb and I look at each other, then back to Ava. We can read each other so well. We walk toward the bed, with me in front of Ava and Caleb behind. Ava wraps her arms around me tightly as Caleb pulls us both into him.
“I want Jaxson,” she cries softly, snuggling into me.
A sob breaks from me as I stroke her hair. “Me too, baby. Me too.”
***
Avaline is snoring softly as she clings to me and Caleb. My sweet man, he’s put up with so much since meeting me. Any other man would have tucked and run by now, but he’s got a stubborn streak as deep as my own. Ava, my baby girl, I think she loves him as much as I do, maybe more. I swallow the lump in my throat as I slip from the bed, still in my dress and heels from the funeral, and softly pad down the hall. I need to take a shower and get all of this makeup off my face.
The hot water rushes over me and I lean into the cold tile, letting it work its magic. I stay in there allowing my mind to just go blank until the water runs cold and brings me back. I climb out, wrap a towel around me, and head for my room. As I get dressed, I can spy the steel shed from my window. That’s what Ryan wanted, he wanted my code… and he wanted Ava’s teddy… which is probably in police custody now, since I haven’t seen the thing. The two have to have a connection of some kind.
I grab my loaded Glock, make sure Caleb is still asleep, and make my way down the back stairs. I disarm the alarm Liam installed and head out the back door. It’s time to find out what my baby died for.
I make my way to the shed with fast purpose, the grass spiking my bare feet occasionally. I don’t care about the pain it’s nothing compared to the tightness in my chest. I stare at the dusty and weathered keypad wondering if it is even going to work after all this time.
I punch in the code: the date I gave my virginity to Tyson, the date my babies were conceived. Something that would have seemed trivial to some, but it was the most important day of my life, to that point, and after everything that happened it was burned into me.
There’s the sound of gears moving and tumblers falling into place as the doors hiss and slide open. It’s pitch black inside and smells of must and dust. I should have grabbed a flashlight. I take a step over the threshold, and lights begin to flicker and buzz over my head. I squint as my eyes adjust.
In front and all around me are shelves with vases, lamps, and other little trinkets, all covered in a decade of dust and cobwebs. I cough, stepping into a low-hanging web. It’s a storage space for more antiques, as far as my untrained eyes could see. It’s sparse, with only a few items, then I spy something in the middle of the space that’s covered with a large cloth tarp.
I grabbed the end of the tarp and spiders come running up from all sides. I brush them off and throw the drop cloth aside. I let out a sob when my eyes settle on the pieces of furniture that lay underneath.
A twin bassinet, and an oversized crib with a mobile, all hand carved. The words carved into the crib level me.
God never gives you more than you can handle.
It’s from my dad… Everything around me’s a piece of him, but none of it tells me why. Why did my boy, my light have to die? I scream, as my gaze settles on a sledgehammer hanging on a far wall.
I run for it, leaving my gun on the cold concrete floor. It’s heavy in my hand. I shrug out of my sling and hold it upright. It hurts like hell, but I didn’t give a fuck as I start smashing everything in sight. I make sure there’s nothing left f
or Ryan to take. If he was after something in here, I’ll render it to dust.
My screaming and smashing must have carried to the house because as I’m standing there, bleeding from my torn stitches, my chest heaving, when I hear a soft chuckle. I look up to see Travis leaning in the open doorway.
“That’s about what I did,” he says. “But I’d leave that alone.” He points to the bassinet and crib. I was saving them for last. “It looks like someone put a lot of love into them.”
He comes into the shed slowly, watching me as I watch him. He approaches from the side, reaching for the sledgehammer as it slips from my hands. He lets it slide to the ground as he pulls me toward him. “I know,” he says, patting my back gently. “I know.”
“I’m just so tired. Tired of crying, tired of running, tired of worrying,” I sob into his chest angrily.
“Welcome to being a parent and a lover. It never stops, even when they leave or are taken from you.” He drops his head on top of mine. “Kym would have been eighteen this year, and it tore me up to see the kids going off to prom. I imagined her coming down in some little party dress that I didn’t approve of, and meeting a boy I approved even less of. I imagined Liam and Caleb standing there with shotguns to make a point.”
I chuckle at the thought. He pulls away, looking sad, yet hopeful.
“The point is that you will always think of them. Feel them at the strangest of times. You carried Jaxson inside you, so you will feel that loss more than the rest, and that’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you different.”
I wipe at the tears on my face and notice the blood on his chest from my torn stiches. “I’m sorry.” I try to wipe at the shirt but only make it worse.
“It’s fine. Let’s get you cleaned up and back to bed before Caleb wakes up. I don’t think he needs to know about this… do you?”
I shake my head as he picks up my gun and hands it to me, then puts his hand on the small of my back and leads me out of the shed and back toward the house.