Ryuuji could only think one thought in that moment.
How could he reply without hurting Taiga? That was it.
Then, slowly, Ryuuji shook his head. “I don’t think that,” he awkwardly muttered. Hearing that, Taiga smiled wider and once again went after her pasta. While watching her open her mouth wide, Ryuuji felt a cold silence fall on his heart. No matter what, he still ended up thinking it. Someone who believed that someone was watching, was a person who basically lived without anyone watching. No one paid any attention to Taiga—that was how she went through life. Except for Santa, whom she had met in her dream. Other than Santa, no one had watched Taiga growing up. On the glittering and radiant night of Christmas Eve, Taiga had been consistently alone.
Whenever he caught glimpses of that deep scar, that deep solitude, he felt something close to fear. It was almost like despair, a bottomless darkness.
What should I do? he thought.
What could he do about Taiga’s solitude, which had built itself up day after day without relief until now? Taiga smiled as she ate her pasta. She smiled because she loved Christmas. She smiled because she was a good girl. She smiled because she was paralyzed. It was because she’d been left to feel pain that she believed was normal.
If he couldn’t do anything to help her, then was he supposed to leave her as is? That was impossible. But. But—but. But.
“It was a dream, so it’s fine. It’s not real. It’s not like I’m dependent on someone who actually exists. This is a dream, a fantasy, it’s in my imagination. So…I’ll believe that and believe that someone is watching. I’ll pretend like I’m a good girl. That’s not weakness, is it?”
Was it a dream or reality?
It must have been a dream. It might have been her crummy father’s one and only attempt at planning something for her, but to Taiga, that would be as flimsy as a dream. It wasn’t weak, but it was sad. If he told her that honestly, it would definitely hurt her.
“Sorry for telling you what to do… After hearing you out, I agree. I get it. I think you really are being a good girl. So, you can have dessert, too!”
He smiled and pushed the dessert menu at Taiga. “Oh, wait, wait.” Taiga finished up the last bit of pasta and started choosing between the colorful desserts with glittering eyes.
Ryuuji propped his head in his hand in order to keep her from realizing the sense of powerlessness he had suddenly been assaulted by in a chain pasta store in the early afternoon.
They lived on the same planet, breathed the same air, and walked under the same sky. They were close as family, but he still couldn’t actually see Taiga for what she really was in times like this. He should have known well enough how hard it was for people to understand each other, but his heart really felt close to breaking at his uselessness and immaturity. Being able to understand her and being able to avoid hurting her were things that existed in separate dimensions.
He didn’t mind losing sight of someone who was far away. If someone left the path they were on to continue down their own path, he wanted to be able to give them a farewell filled with love and respect. Ryuuji knew that if you believed in romance, then no matter how far you were, things would end up fine.
But.
What could he do for this person who was just a few dozen centimeters away from him? What could he do when she must still be in pain, even now? What could he do when she was being tortured and when he couldn’t do anything for her with his own hands? If she only called for his help—if she just noticed her own open wound and saw that it was still bleeding, something could be done about it.
Was the world so cruel that even someone like her—someone with a raw, open wound—had to walk alone? If that were true, then God and Santa couldn’t exist in the world. If that were true, salvation couldn’t exist, and no one was watching.
Chapter 4
It was four in the afternoon on December twenty-third.
Market Kanou (LLC)’s small truck came in through the school gate, leaving ruts on the school grounds. It parked alongside the entrance to the gym. In that moment, the guys waiting for it came running over and each thanked the driver from the local neighborhood supermarket. The store had been a large sponsor of the cultural festival and was owned by the previous student council president’s parents (in other words, the driver was Kanou Sumire’s father). They each bowed their heads to him as they climbed into the truck bed. Then, they exclaimed in low, amazed voices at how large the items in the truck were and at the beautiful flashes of color they could see through the packing material, “Whoa…”
“This is amazing… If we put this up, it’ll definitely be amazing!”
Ryuuji and the others untied the packing twine. Their eyes only grew wider. Working from the mental image they got from the scattered parts, it would probably be gigantic and magnificently gorgeous once it was put together.
“All right! We’ll split it up and carry it in!”
In response to Kitamura’s strident command, which exposed his sports background, Ryuuji and the dozen others from the prep committee thrust their fists in the air. Right! Even though school and classes had already ended, they were all excited. Of course they would be, because the thing that had been packaged and delivered to them on the truck was the symbol of the party—the Christmas tree. It was an extravagant one at that, so the voltage among the prep committee members was naturally on the rise.
But even though it was a tree, it wasn’t a real Japanese fir, but a man-made imitation. The parts that filled the truck bed had a curious pearlescent sheen as they glittered. It even came with several gold and silver sphere ornaments that seemed like they might be as big as a person’s head. Someone exclaimed out loud, “Those are some giant gold balls!” He held one and got a low kick from Kitamura to the back of the knees. Some other guy stole the ball from that guy’s hands but ended up thoughtlessly holding two golden spheres, “Oh no…” Ryuuji, who had been watching, accidentally blurted, “Bwah ha!” and felt somewhat resentful, as though he had lost. The cardboard box he held in his hands was probably filled to the brim with nothing but lights, cables, and other things.
He heard the first years laughing and talking amongst each other as they passed behind him.
“Doesn’t it kind of feel like it’s really authentic?”
“Actually, will we even be able to put this thing up by ourselves?”
“Worrying isn’t helping anyone. Anyway, let’s do it! We’ll put our hearts into it!”
At those words, Ryuuji hurried, and his legs went faster. Right, let’s put our hearts into it! he thought in reply.
They had gone for a human wave attack strategy and each held as many parts as they could as they brought them to the gym one after another. That day, the committee members were working on a tight schedule. They would put up the tree, which seemed like it would be time consuming, and then would store it in the backstage space once it was complete. When the ending ceremonies were over the next day, they would immediately pull it out and set up the venue.
The tree was sure to look super realistic. The person who had brought it in for them had been the old man from Market Kanou, but the leading star in its acquisition was…
“Wow! ♥ It’s finally here! Make sure you’ve got all the parts that go with it~! If we’re missing even one, it won’t be complete! Fight on!”
…Kawashima Ami herself, who was in the middle of the gym with the other girls preparing the decorations. The team of girls were also incredibly excited at the appearance of the tree, and seeing the guys holding the parts, they cheered in high voices and came over to help. Ami spotted Ryuuji and stood.
“How does it look?! What do you think of this tree?! Do you see how amazing I really am now?!”
She smiled proudly. Of course, Ryuuji bowed his head and spoke his deep admiration to Ami-chan-sama.
“I really do get it now. It’s an amazing tree! You really are amazing! I’ll acknowledge that!”
“Right, right?! When it’
s set up, it’s super, super, super pretty!”
The tree was sourced from a certain new establishment in the middle of the city that was the talk of the town. Some magazine companies sponsored an early Christmas party for a pack of fashion industry bigwigs there. A certain actor and actress were invited, and it had apparently been a big enough party that even a talk show reporter crashed it.
Ami had been working at the fashion show that was the party’s main event and, right after it ended, she’d said to the organizers, “I really would like this tree. ♥ It’d be great if you could give it to me for free, too. ♥” It seemed because the magnificent tree that had been the center of the gathering was set to be demolished after the party anyway, they were fine with giving it to her in the spirit of mottainai. So, the next problem was how to transport it.
Ami went with them when they pulled the tree apart so she could collect all the dispersed parts, and, out of goodwill, one of the magazine staff members who had also been working as a model brought the parts to a nearby affiliated office warehouse by car. Since the staff member was already doing her a favor, Ami couldn’t ask the person to drive the tree all the way to the school—that was just a little too far. The tree was also slightly too big and hefty to have it delivered by post. Kitamura immediately figured out Ami was about to pay for the expenses out of pocket, and he wouldn’t let her, saying, “That’s too expensive for a high school student to pay for a high school event.” However, if they billed it to the expense account, their already meager budget would be obliterated immediately.
So the one who stepped up at that point was none other than the owner of Market Kanou. He roared into the roads of the inner city with his small truck on a weekday for the event at the school his daughter, the former student council president, had literally reigned over. He went all the way to Ami’s warehouse and back to move the whole tree for free.
The sounds of passionate voices thanking him once again crossed through the gym as Kanou came in lugging the parts with the other guys.
“Mister! Thank you so much!”
“Couldn’t expect less from the patriarch’s father. He’s a man among men! I love you!”
“I’m going to make sure my family shops at Market Kanou from now on! I’ll make sure to tell my mom!”
“I think your fish is the best around. You’re thorough about showing the processing facilities the vegetables come from, and you make sure the producers’ faces are visible, and you even have a full assortment of Fauchon spices. Oh, right, the introduction to Kyoto veggies event from the other day was really fun! I ended up buying the manganji togarashi peppers, and I couldn’t believe how good they were! I hope you get more stuff in! Oh, and I’ll definitely go to the annual end of the year tuna butcher show! Can’t wait for that tuna!”
There was one weirdo among them who knew a little too much about Market Kanou, but Kanou seemed delighted. He was a little brusque as he smiled, and with that, he turned his back to the boisterous children. At that point…
“Uh. Ahh…thanks…”
“Don’t mention it…”
…he bumped into Taiga, who was bringing other things in from the classroom. Taiga awkwardly jerked her chin and gave him a small bow with just her head. That must have been awkward, too, since Taiga had been in a bloodbath fight with the Kanous’ pride and joy—their eldest daughter. It hadn’t even been a month since Taiga had gone with the homeroom teacher to apologize to the family.
However, old man Kanou was a man among men.
“Looks like you’re doing well,” he muttered in a low voice, nodding a few times as he looked Taiga over. The wrinkles on his harshly sunburned cheeks deepened as his eyes squinted. Then on that note, he left the gym for real this time.
“Uwah, that scared me. Why’s that bygone president’s old man here…”
As Taiga stood in place and blinked, Ryuuji told her the news he had only learned about just the other day.
“There’s a first-year girl in the student council, right? Apparently, she’s the patriarch’s little sister.”
“What?! Well, actually I have heard that before. I completely forgot about it.”
No waaay, ahaaa, what an amazing tree! They turned their eyes to a girl who was squealing happily with her fellow first years. She seemed sort of soft.
“…They don’t look alike at all.”
“…No resemblance.”
The two of them nodded to each other. Someone behind them poked their backs.
“Heeey, don’t slack off! I just got an amazing tree, so go and put it together!”
To finish it off, Ami pushed them hard enough to make their legs buckle. If only they’d had time to complain about her roughhousing…but they noticed that the others had already started to unpack, so Ryuuji and Taiga hurriedly joined in on the work.
Ami distributed copies of the completed tree’s diagram to them, and several students looked over them together.
“This is…oh, it’s the parts for the roots.”
“What is this?”
“It might be the top?”
They turned over and messed with the dismantled parts. It almost felt like one giant puzzle.
Ryuuji also grabbed one of the parts.
“Whoa, they’re light. Is it made from Styrofoam?”
“The insides are. They’re painted. Once it’s put together, it looks really pretty. It’s lit up like this, and it’s like super pearly and shimmery…oh! Right, right, we need a spotlight! Yuusaku!”
Abandoned by Ami, Ryuuji lost track of what he was supposed to be putting together. He searched around for someone who could show him a copy of the diagram.
“Oh, Takasu-kuuun! That probably goes with this!”
“Which? Right! It does!”
Someone from another class called out to him, and he hurried over holding the part. When they pressed the concave and convex pieces together hard, they really did pop right into each other. It’s perfect, he smiled at them. Thank you! they smiled back at him. I’m sure I saw another one that was the same shape, so I’ll go get it. He started running off again. He searched through the scattered parts one at a time, and as he did that, he ended up having a strange thought, I couldn’t use the Samurai Resurrection plan again if something happens.
During the student council presidential election, he’d utilized his own wicked face, which had given him a frightening reputation, in order to get an unwilling Kitamura to run in the race. He entered the race with Taiga, the Palmtop Tiger, and they had devised a Samurai Resurrection-style plan to flawlessly take on the role of villains and lure Kitamura into their trap. Their goal had just been to rile everyone up.
But before he noticed, he became friends with students from various classes who joined the committee while working on the party. The same had even happened to Taiga.
“Aisaka-san, you seem like you’d be lightweight, so could you get on my shoulders and put this on there?”
“Huh, like with my slippers that have been all over the bathroom floor?! Well, to each their own…”
“No, please take them off…”
A good way away from him, Taiga was talking and smiling with girls whose names Ryuuji didn’t know. Tiger-san’s tights! Her feet! That’s hot! Here comes her foot! There were some maniacs who were getting carried away with saying nonsensical things, but putting them aside…
Ahh, what a relief.
To be honest, Ryuuji believed that. His lips quivered with a faint smile. Since the other day, after he listened to Taiga talk about her feelings about Christmas, he felt like something was stuck in his throat. There was a lot to it, like Taiga’s solitude, and his own powerlessness—he had thought about so many things without coming to any conclusion. He hadn’t been able to find an answer, and he felt like he couldn’t even breathe easily. He even left the house for the convenience store, looked up at the night sky to search for stars, and walked in thought for an entire hour.
But now, he could finally breathe with relie
f as he looked at Taiga. It was true that Taiga was standing in the depths of a solitude he could not even imagine. He still felt like he would be eternally powerless in the face of it.
But regardless of that, this year Taiga would spend time with new friends she had just met, having fun and making a commotion like this. And then, on the next day, Taiga would definitely be with everyone, including Kitamura, happily enjoying the night. Of course, he would be there, too. He hadn’t given up on getting Minori to come, either.
Taiga wasn’t alone—Ryuuji felt so happy and grateful about that that he stopped and stood even in this busy time to look at Taiga while she worked with everyone else to put up the tree. He even recalled the warmth in Kanou’s eyes. Plus, the bachelorette (age 30) was there, too. Not all the adults had abandoned Taiga. Though they might not have protected her like parents, she had adults on her side who were really thinking about her. What a relief, he whispered in his mind.
Even if no one had been watching her for these past seventeen years, on Christmas Eve, everyone would be there, and on Christmas he, Yasuko, and Inko-chan would be there. They would make a mountain of a feast, and the Takasus would welcome Taiga.
No matter how cruel the world was, this year, Taiga was smiling. Taiga was also part of this sparkling, radiant, happy scene. She no longer needed to wait under a tree by herself for someone who didn’t exist. That happy Christmas night she had seen in a dream would happen tomorrow with everyone making a ruckus, being incredibly busy, and grinning enormously.
And then, on the next day, when Christmas came, they would eat a feast at the Takasus’ and dash into the end of the next turbulent year. Ryuuji would undertake a great task—end of the year cleaning—as the fireworks burned. On New Year’s Eve, they would watch some bad variety show late into the night together and start a tranquil new year. The whole year would be summed up in a night. The first day of the year would start with the gong on New Year’s Eve, and he planned on being there for it. Yes, in just one week, it would be a new year. In this hectic time, he wouldn’t let Taiga spend another moment in solitude.
Toradora! Vol. 7 Page 12