I shove my phone under my pillow and toss and turn trying to get comfortable. I’m desperate to sleep but my mind is racing. I can’t stop thinking about Kayla and all our chats about her future – studying physiotherapy and playing basketball for the university team.
I close my eyes and try counting backwards from one hundred. I make it to zero and I’m more awake than ever. I try again. Endless rounds of counting ensue until, finally, I hear a key turning in the front door.
The sound of hushed voices talking carries up the stairs like a tap on the shoulder, suggesting I get up and join them. I reach for my dressing gown on the end of the bed. But I decide against it – Kayla had a horrible day and the last thing she needs is another adult struggling to keep it together in front of her. Besides, I need to talk to Gavin and it would be better if we’re alone. I have some questions about Molly and blood tests. I’m sure he has more information now after talking to Heather on the way to Cork.
There are footsteps on the stairs and the door to Kayla’s bedroom opens and a few moments later closes. I I have to fight the urge to run into her room, wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her. ‘I’ll get you something to sleep in,’ I strain my ears to hear Gavin say as his footsteps circle the landing and the linen cupboard opens and closes.
Heather mumbles something but I can’t make it out. Then I hear Gavin’s voice again, followed by more walking around and I assume Gavin is coming to bed. I wait for the slightly ajar bedroom door to swing open fully.
Seconds tick by in slow motion until I hear Gavin on the stairs again, walking back down. His deep voice is whispering downstairs and I can hear Heather replying but I’m not sure what they’re saying. Cupboards gently open and close in the kitchen and the kettle flicks on. It’s becoming increasingly noisy and I hope that Molly doesn’t wake up.
I slide my legs over the edge of the bed and the cold of the floorboards nibbles my toes as soon as I stand. I’m throwing on my dressing gown when Gavin comes into the room.
‘Hey,’ he says, as if he’s shocked to find me in our bedroom. ‘What are you doing up? It’s so late. Did we wake you? I’m sorry.’
I shake my head and sit back onto the edge of the bed. ‘I couldn’t sleep.’
‘Yeah,’ Gavin nods. ‘Molly?’
‘She’s asleep. She went to bed as usual,’ I say. ‘She was wrecked after her piano lesson.’
‘Is she okay?’
‘Yeah. She asked where you were, of course. And she was disappointed that I was reading her bedtime story instead of you. But she hasn’t picked up on anything.’
Gavin swallows and nods. ‘She just likes my funny voices.’
‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘she does.’
I want to ask about Kayla. But I can’t seem to find the right words and Gavin looks so exhausted I’m not sure he’d be able to find the right answers. So I just say, ‘Is Kayla okay?’
‘I dunno,’ Gavin sighs. ‘She fell asleep in the car and she can’t walk very well so I carried her into bed—’
There’s a loud bang downstairs and I jump. ‘What was that?’
‘Heather,’ Gavin says, getting undressed for bed.
‘She’s still downstairs?’ I say.
‘She’s baking cookies, or brownies or something.’ Gavin flops onto the bed on his side and slides under the duvet pulling it right up to his chin.
‘Baking?’ My eyes widen as I reach for my phone and check the time. ‘At half three in the morning, she’s baking?’
‘She bakes when she’s stressed.’
‘Sure,’ I say, sliding under the duvet.
I turn my back on Gavin, close my eyes and find my spot. He drapes his arm around my waist and pulls me close to him. The heat of his body wraps around me and I snuggle into him, trying to ignore that his ex is downstairs in my kitchen.
My eyes fly open again as the sound of Molly crying in her room makes its way across the landing to shake me fully awake again.
‘Daaadddyyy,’ Molly cries.
‘Gavin,’ I whisper. ‘Can you check on her?’
‘Daaadddyyy,’ Molly’s crying grows louder and more upset.
‘Hmm?’ Gavin says, clearly already half asleep.
‘Molly,’ I say, turning around to face him. His eyes are closed. ‘She missed you at bedtime. Maybe you could give her a goodnight hug now?’
‘So tired, Charlie,’ Gavin mumbles. ‘Can you do it? Sorry.’
‘Sure,’ I huff out, blowing warm breath in my husband’s face.
I stand up, throw on my dressing gown and march across the landing and into my daughter’s bedroom.
‘Hush, hush, sweetheart,’ I whisper. ‘I’m here. Mammy’s here.’
Twelve
Kayla
The next day
I’m sitting in a leather armchair in the doctor’s office. I’m trying really hard to concentrate, but I’m so tired after last night. It’s nothing like I expected in here. It doesn’t really feel like a hospital at all. It’s more like the principal’s office, only much posher. The walls are cream and there’s a really soft, but kind of gross, browny-pink carpet. There’s a filing cabinet in the corner and a water cooler beside it. The doctor has a pretty impressive flat-screen computer monitor on his desk and there are certificates framed on the wall behind him. He’s kind of good looking for someone in his thirties or forties. Mam keeps staring at him, so I think she fancies him. Dad hasn’t really noticed.
‘So, Kayla. Have you any questions for me?’ Doctor Patterson asks after a big long explanation about what Ewing’s sarcoma is and how none of this is my fault – it just happens sometimes.
‘Am I going to die?’ I ask.
Mam and Dad gasp, as if they’re shocked by my question, but I know by Mam’s face she wants an answer too. Mam is sitting in the chair beside me. Her legs are crossed. She keeps crossing them and uncrossing them and switching which one is on top. There isn’t another chair for Dad so he stands behind me with his hands gripping the back of my chair. I sort of wish he’d let go because he’s shaking and it’s making my chair wobble and that’s making me nervous.
No one says anything for a moment.
‘Well. Am I?’ I ask again.
‘Kayla, I know this is scary,’ Doctor Patterson says. ‘But we’d like to start your treatment as soon as possible, okay?’
I nod, realising I’d stopped listening at some point while he was explaining all about treatment. I look at Mam and her eyes are all glassed over and she’s not doing a great job at pretending to be okay. And I just keep thinking about why he won’t answer my question.
‘So, I am going to die,’ I say.
‘Kayla. No. No you’re not,’ Dad says.
‘Kayla, there are so many treatment options,’ Doctor Patterson says. ‘I don’t want you to be worried or scared. You’re in the best possible place. And everyone here, all the nurses and doctors and me, of course, we just want to help you to get better.’
‘I’m only fifteen,’ I say. ‘It’s not fair. I’m really fit and kinda healthy. I mean, I eat a lot of chocolate but I’m captain of the school basketball team. I just thought I was running it all off.’
‘Your fitness will help you,’ Doctor Patterson says, standing up and walking to the water cooler. He pours two glasses of water. He gives one to Mam and the other to Dad. I wonder if he’ll go back and pour me one. I’m actually pretty thirsty but he walks past the water cooler and back to his desk. And I can’t help but be disappointed that for a kids’ doctor he’s one of those people who thinks grown-ups are more important than kids. He doesn’t sit down but he opens his drawer and he pulls out a can of Coke and a KitKat. He walks back around his desk and passes them both to me.
‘I like chocolate too,’ he says, winking.
I smile and wonder if it’s okay to open the can in his office.
‘Look, Kayla. I’m not going to patronise you,’ he says, staying standing beside me. ‘This is not going to be a picnic. You’re in for
one heck of a battle here, okay?’
I nod, listening.
‘But as a team captain you know that when the going gets tough you just have to be a little tougher.’
I nod again. He sounds like Miss Hanlon. She’s always giving us pep talks about how if you stay strong you can achieve anything.
‘So, can I count on you to fight hard?’ he asks.
‘Yeah,’ I say.
‘Good,’ he smiles, walking back to his desk and sitting down. ‘Now are you going to open that KitKat, or what? And can I have a bit, please?’
Thirteen
Kayla
‘So that was super weird, wasn’t it?’ Aiden says as I hold the phone to my ear.
‘What was?’ I ask, switching ears. I never talk on the phone like this. It feels strange, but I don’t want to video call. Not right now. I don’t want Aiden to see the huge, bright-green Peter Pan painted on the hospital wall behind me as I sit cross-legged on a lumpy hospital bed. I think Wendy used to be painted too but she’s flaked off and all that’s left is half her dress and part of her shoe. It’s actually a bit creepy.
‘Your dad turning up at my house randomly?’ Aiden says.
I sigh. ‘Yeah. A bit unexpected.’
‘So, c’mon then. What’s going on?’ Aiden says.
‘Nothing really,’ I lie.
‘Kayla Prendergast Doran you can’t lie to save your life, you know that?’
I smile. Aiden is right. I go all squeaky and sound like Molly when I lie. It’s as if I pre-empt getting caught and panic.
‘Just some family stuff, that’s all,’ I sigh, and console myself that I am technically telling the truth.
‘Where are you?’ Aiden asks. ‘There’s an echo or something.’
‘Dublin.’
‘Haha, smartarse.’ Aiden laughs. ‘Where in Dublin? You’re not at your dad’s.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Because you said the WiFi is crap and that’s why we have to talk on the phone like old people. And I know the signal at your dad’s is great ’cos you’re always boasting about how fast you can stream Netflix at his house.’
‘Oh yeah,’ I say, realising that this is another reason I don’t lie. I can never remember what I said just seconds ago and I trip myself up.
‘Okay, Kayla,’ Aiden’s voice takes a sudden serious turn and he sounds as grown-up as my dad, ‘What’s really going on? Don’t make me call your mam. I will you know.’
He actually will, I think.
‘Okay, okay,’ I say, ‘But you’re not to freak out…’
‘Kayla what do you mean I’m not to freak out. Now I’m freaking out.’
‘Aiden. I’m serious,’ I warn. ‘Everyone else is already acting so weird and I can’t handle it if you do too, okay.’
There’s silence for a moment and I know he’s thinking.
‘Yeah. Okay. I promise I won’t freak out,’ Aiden says, calmly. ‘Just tell me.’
I take a deep breath as I stare at Mowgli from The Jungle Book painted on the wall opposite me and shake my head. I look around for Tinker Bell. She’s not on any of the walls. Seriously where are they going with this theme?
‘Kayla,’ Aiden grumbles. ‘Say something. Please?’
I close my eyes and shake Mowgli out of my brain. ‘I have cancer,’ I blurt, running all the words together to get them out in case they burst in my mouth and taste gross.
‘What?’ Aiden says and I swear I can hear his eyes widen.
‘You said you wouldn’t freak out,’ I warn.
‘No, I actually mean what. What did you say? You said it so fast I couldn’t hear you.’
‘Oh.’ I smile. ‘I said…’ I take another breath, not as deep this time. ‘I said, I have cancer.’
‘No, seriously,’ Aiden says, seeming to lose patience. ‘What did you really say?’
‘I have cancer,’ I repeat, no deep breath, no rushed sentence, just three simple words said with certainty.
‘Kayla that’s not funny.’ Aiden is the one taking a deep breath now.
‘It’s not meant to be.’
‘You have cancer,’ he says slowly.
‘Yes.’
There’s silence and I’m going to remind him that he promised not to freak out, but I stop myself, and just let the silence hang in the air for a moment while the reality of what I said seems to sink in for us both.
Finally, I feel ready to explain. ‘That’s why my dad was at your house last night. My mam wasn’t at work yesterday. She was at the kids’ hospital, meeting my doctors. Dad drove down to Cork with her after so they could tell me together.’
‘Fuck,’ Aiden finally says.
‘I know.’
‘You’re fifteen, like. Are fifteen-year-olds even supposed to get cancer?’ Aiden says. And now it’s his voice that goes squeaky.
I sigh. He’s doing a terrible job at this not-freaking-out thing.
‘You know they can,’ I say.
‘Yeah. Yeah.’ He puffs. ‘But not fifteen-year-olds like us. Or people we actually know.’
‘Ha.’ I smile, his argument is very sweet. Stupid. But sweet. ‘I don’t think cancer really works that way.’
There’s more silence between us. I listen to footsteps on the corridor. And there’s a rattle of teacups in the distance and there’s the smell of toast – slightly burnt, wafting from somewhere. I wonder if these are sounds and smells I’ll have to get used to. I don’t want to have to get used to them, I think, cursing bloody Mowgli as he stares back at me with big blue eyes and a cheery smile.
‘What the hell are you smiling at?’ I snap.
‘What?’ Aiden says. ‘I’m not smiling.’
‘Not you.’ I blush, glad he can’t see me. ‘Mowgli.’
‘Who?’
‘Mowgli,’ I repeat. ‘You know, from The Jungle Book.’
‘Okay, have they put you on drugs already or something?’ Aiden says.
I laugh. ‘He’s painted on the wall here in the hospital. There’s a whole kids’ cartoon-character theme thing going on.’
‘I’m sure you love that,’ Aiden says.
‘It’s fine,’ I shrug, my shoulder crashing against my phone and bashing it against my ear. I wince. ‘I mean, some of them are headless though so I’m not sure who they’re supposed to be.’
‘Headless cartoon characters?’ Aiden laughs. ‘Jesus, Kayla, what kind of kids’ hospital is it?’
I laugh too. ‘Not decapitated, you eejit. Just here years and the paint is flaking off. It’s kind of gross.’
‘All hospitals are gross,’ Aiden reassures me. ‘Do you have your own room, at least?’
‘Yeah,’ I nod, looking up at the closed door. It’s kind of lonely. ‘But, I think that’s ’cos I’m contagious or something.’
‘Cancer isn’t contagious,’ Aiden says. ‘It’s probably so you don’t pick up the vomiting bug or something rotten like scabies.’
‘Right, I gotta go,’ I say, suddenly.
‘Ah, Kayla. I was only joking about scabies. I don’t even know what scabies are,’ Aiden says.
I giggle. ‘My mam is outside the door. I can hear her in the corridor taking to the doctor. I’m not hanging up because you tried to give me scabies.’
‘Oh okay.’ Aiden sighs, relieved. ‘It’s just—’
‘Seriously,’ I begin to whisper, ‘I really gotta go. I want to pretend to be asleep when they come in so they don’t start talking treatment crap to me again. Bye. Bye. Bye.’
I hang up, stuff my phone under my pillow and lie down with my eyes closed.
‘Hey, you,’ Mam’s voice washes over me as the door creaks open.
I breathe deeply for effect.
‘Kayla,’ Mam says gently.
I breathe some more. A little louder.
‘I know you’re not asleep,’ Mam says. ‘I just heard you on the phone to Aiden.’
Damn you Aiden. I smirk and open my eyes reluctantly, trying not to laugh.
> Fourteen
Heather
‘I brought you some fluffy socks,’ I say, rummaging in my large paper bag to show Kayla the fleecy, blue-and-pink stripy socks.
Kayla smiles.
‘And I got jammies and chocolate too, but they’re in the car. I’ll bring them in later,’ I say.
‘You went shopping?’ Kayla says, her eyes glassy.
I nod. ‘Just to grab a few essentials. I just nipped around the corner. I didn’t go to Penneys or anything without you. I know better.’ I throw in an awkward laugh and I hate how forced it sounds.
‘Who doesn’t love Penneys?’ the nurse says, coming into the room behind me. ‘Did you see the Winnie the Pooh jammies they got in last week?’
I nod. I did see them. They’re cute. Kayla isn’t smiling even though she loves Winnie the Pooh. She has a Pooh teddy at home that she’s had since she was a baby. He only has one eye and patches of his fur have been hugged off but she will never throw him away. I wonder if I could find him. It would be nice for Kayla to have something special with her now.
Kayla is staring at the characters painted on the wall and I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wonder if all the rooms are like this, or if Kayla will be moved to something more suited to her age when she comes out of surgery later. I make a mental note to ask. But not in front of Kayla, stuff like that embarrasses her and she’s dealing with enough already without feeling like her mother is nit-picking at the décor.
‘I’m going to buy some of the chequered ones with the honey pots on the legs for my nieces,’ the nurse says, catching my attention again. ‘I’ll put them away for Christmas.’
‘Good idea,’ I say, looking away from Kayla reluctantly to make eye contact with the nurse. Did she really just mention Christmas?
‘Might get the slippers too,’ the nurse continues. ‘You know the ones with the bobble Eeyore head. Eeyore is my favourite.’
‘Um,’ I nod. ‘I like Tigger, myself.’
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