I take a deep breath and think about Gavin being so distant and stressed out. I think about him not telling me about Molly’s stem cells. About how every time I even mention Kayla’s name he has to leave the room. I know Kayla getting sick has pushed him and Heather closer together. And not just as the parents of a sick child; I’ve seen them become each other’s rock. And I’d be a complete liar if I pretended it didn’t hurt or fill me with jealousy. I’m an outsider looking in. I’m watching Heather and Gavin be there for Kayla, and be there for each other, and I stand by helpless and useless. Maybe this is how I can help. I can’t make medical decisions for Kayla. And I don’t want to. I realised that the moment Molly got dragged into this. But I can help be there for Kayla as a confidant. As a friend. As someone who loves her as if she was my own child. And I make two decisions. I will help Kayla raise as much money as possible and I will give my blessing for Molly to help her sister, even if all we get is a little more time. We all need more time.
I choke back tears. ‘So, you want to buy a bakery?’
Forty-Four
Kayla
‘Hey, you,’ Mam says, coming into my room carrying a bottle of Coke Zero in one hand, a huge box of chocolates in the other, and her laptop tucked under her arm. ‘I watched Riverdale at last. Oh my God, you’re right. It’s so good. We have to watch the next episode together.’
‘Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay,’ I say, pulling myself to sit up.
Mam drops all the stuff onto the bedside chair and hurries around behind me to fluff my pillow or whatever, but she puffs it up too much and I suddenly feel as if I’m sitting on an aeroplane all stiff and awkward. I don’t say anything. I’ll wait until she sits and then I’ll slouch down and get comfortable.
‘Where’s your dad? He hasn’t gone home already, has he?’ Mam sounds disappointed. Or maybe annoyed. ‘He knows I want to talk to him.’
‘He’s in the games room, I think,’ I say. ‘Molly wanted to go play after they got something to eat.’
‘Right,’ Mam says. ‘And Aiden?’
‘Gone with them.’
‘And I suppose Charlotte is down there too. Don’t they know that area is for patients only?’
‘I’m sure it’s okay,’ I say, my eyes heavy with sleep. ‘Lots of the others bring their brothers and sisters down. I don’t think anyone will mind.’
‘I mind,’ Mam mumbles under her breath.
I ignore her bad mood and ask, ‘How did the meeting with Doctor Patterson go?’
‘Yeah. Good. Yeah. Fine.’
‘What?’ I say. ‘Well that was a weird answer.’
‘It was fine, Kayla,’ Mam says. ‘We couldn’t really talk for long. He’s a very busy man.’
‘Okay,’ I sigh, not believing a word out of her mouth. He’s obviously told her something terrible and she’s too freaked out to talk about it. I’ll ask him myself tomorrow when he comes around to check on me.
Mam sits into the chair next to my bed and stares out the window.
‘Okay, seriously,’ I say, unable to hold it in. ‘What did he say?’
Mam doesn’t look at me as she shakes her head.
‘Um, you’re kind of freaking me out,’ I say, sounding as if I have much more energy than I actually do.
Mam takes a deep breath and sighs. I don’t mind that her warm coffee breath hits me. Coffee. At least she’s had something warm to drink, I think, realising that I can’t remember the last time I saw her eat or drink anything.
‘So, Riverdale,’ I say, changing the subject as I eye up the chocolates. Cadbury Milk Tray. Awesome! Except Mam can eat that gross new apple flavour one. I don’t even know what Cadbury were thinking. Yuck.
‘Yup, it’s so good. It’s great, I’m really glad you told me to watch it,’ Mam says, trying to sound excited even though her mind is obviously on Dad and I’ve no doubt she’s desperate to talk to him about all the Molly stuff. ‘Did Dad say when he’ll be back?’ Mam adds.
I shake my head and a sharp, sudden pain darts down my spine. It happens all the time when I move too suddenly. I’m getting used to it.
‘Great,’ Mam groans. ‘That’s just great. What’s the point of him coming in to visit if he’s not going to spend any time with you? Sure, he might as well be in work.’
‘Are you okay?’ I ask. ‘You’re in a mood today. Are you really that pissed off with Dad for taking Molly to play or did something happen with Doctor Patterson? You can tell me, you know. I won’t freak out.’
‘Kayla stop worrying. It’s nothing to do with your treatment okay. Please don’t get that idea.’
‘What then?’
Mam takes a deep breath and tuts as if she’s super deep in thought or really weirded out or something. She’s not normally like this.
‘We kind of kissed a few weeks back,’ Mam whispers, as if it’s a naughty secret.
‘No way. Oh my God. Nooooo way.’ My eyes widen and I’m more awake than I have been in days. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? And what did you do?’
‘It was the day after the scare over your kidney infection, and it was a total accident of course. It’s been so awkward since,’ Mam says, looking mortified.
‘What? How?’ I jerk upright. Oh my god my spine is on fire. I try not to react. If Mam notices she’ll morph into panic-mam mode and we’ll never get to talk about this. ‘How the hell can you kiss someone by accident?’
‘Kayla. Language,’ Mam scolds.
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘But, seriously, Mam, you’re so bad at this. Who said it was an accident? Him or you?’
‘It. Was. An. Accident, Kayla. We just kind of bumped into each other with our lips.’
I laugh. Mam sounds as helpless as some of the girls in my year when they like a boy and just don’t know what to do about it.
‘Yeah, yeah. I know how that sounds,’ Mam says, and I wonder if she knows her cheeks are bright red. ‘But it was so awkward and…’
‘And… what did you say?’
‘Nothing. I just sort of left,’ Mam says.
‘Oh, Mam. What must he have thought?’ I shake my head, super disappointed that she blew it.
Mam runs a hand through her hair and I can see her playing the kiss over in her mind. ‘I doubt he cared, to be honest.’
‘I’m pretty sure he did. He asks about you all the time. How’s your mam doin?’ I mimic his deep voice. ‘I had one of your mam’s cookies today, it was great. Is your mam coming in today and on… and on… and on…’
Mam shakes her head and there’s a new sadness in her eyes. It’s not the sadness I’m used to seeing when she notices I’m in pain or when we get more bad news.
‘You know he’s going to think you don’t like him now,’ I say.
‘So?’ Mam shrugs, acting more like a teenager than me.
‘So…’ I say. ‘You do like him. You’re always going on about him. Nearly as much as he goes on about you. You’re always saying how great he is.’
‘A great doctor,’ Mam says. ‘But he’s taken, Kayla.’
‘What?’ I say and my voice is starting to crackle, I hope she doesn’t notice.
‘He’s married, Kay,’ Mam says, standing up to pace the floor with her hands on her hips. ‘Or, he has a girlfriend at least.’
I lick my chapped lips and I’m about to explain but Mam keeps talking.
‘They’re expecting a baby together,’ she says.
‘He’s not having a baby!’ I puff out.
Mam reaches for the glass of water on my bedside table and chugs the entire thing. She slams it back down with unnecessary force and I’m surprised it doesn’t break.
‘Ugh, God. That was warm,’ Mam complains.
‘Welcome to my world,’ I say, ‘and you’re always trying to get me to drink more.’
‘Right.’ Mam exhales, picking up the jug. ‘I’m going to get some fresh water and see if I can find some ice too.’
‘Mam wait.’ My eyes are rolling closed and I hate that I’m getting so sleepy ri
ght now.
‘There’s nothing more to talk about, Kayla. It was just an embarrassing mix-up. That’s all. Doctor Patterson and I both know that. It’s nothing for you to worry about.’
‘Doctor Patterson?’ I say. ‘I thought you called him Jack.’
‘No,’ Mam says. ‘Doctor Patterson will do just fine.’
‘She’s his sister,’ I say, my eyes are closed now.
‘Who is?’
‘The woman having the baby. That woman he lives with. She’s his sister.’
‘But Dad said—’
‘Did Dad actually ask him? Or just assume?’
‘Oh, erm, well.’
‘She’s his sister and do you know how I know?’ I manage to open my eyes again.
Mam straightens her head and looks at me with questioning eyes.
‘Because he told me he can’t wait to be an uncle. Lucky kid I say, Doctor Patterson is great. He’ll be an awesome uncle.’
‘But he lives with her, Kay. Dad says they moved in just a few weeks ago. And it’s only the two of them. I think there’s some crossed wires.’
‘Yeah, your wires,’ I say. ‘His sister’s husband died a few months ago. She moved back from New York because Doctor Patterson is going to help her raise the baby. He even left his apartment nearer the hospital to move in with her so she wouldn’t be alone.’
‘Wow, that’s some gesture.’
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘So the guy you pushed away is probably the nicest guy on the planet. And he’s hot too.’
‘Oh God.’ Mam puts down the jug and flops back into the chair. The cushion puffs out under her making a whoosh sound. ‘I was so rude. I’ve been so rude. He must think I’m a right bitch.’
‘I’m sure he’ll understand if you explain.’
‘No.’ Mam shakes her head. ‘It’s too messy. Too complicated. He’s your doctor, Kayla.’
‘And he’s a great guy who super likes you.’
‘No, Kay.’ Mam exhales, her whole body weighed down by sadness. ‘Now is not a good time. This is for the best. The only thing I care about right now is you. And you getting better. I don’t have time for kisses and drama.’
‘But Mam—’
‘Kayla, please. Let’s just concentrate on what’s important. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ I say, so glad I have a plan. If Mam won’t help herself, then I’m just going to have to do it for her.
Forty-Five
Kayla
I’ve really enjoyed the noise in my room all afternoon. Mam and Charlotte sat side by side in the bedside chairs. Dad sat on the end of the bed. He got up every now and then to shake his legs and I wonder if he had pins and needles or a numb bum. Aiden spent the whole time standing and Molly spent most of the time running around or asking to be taken to the toilet or down to the tuckshop to buy a lollipop. I don’t even know what the conversation was about. I drifted in and out of sleep, Loving that each time I woke there was laughter and happiness in the air. It’s been ages since I heard Mam laugh.
Time seems to be moving so fast with me sleeping so much. The whole afternoon flew by. Dad offered to give Aiden a lift to the train station when they were leaving and it’s been very quiet and almost lonely since it’s just me and Mam again.
‘How you doing, kiddo?’ Mam says, when I wake up after yet another nap. ‘That was a long visit. You seem exhausted.’
‘Yeah,’ I say, honestly. ‘But it was a really good day, wasn’t it?’
Mam nods. ‘It was nice.’
‘Are you going to talk to Doctor Patterson?’
‘Of course.’
‘I mean about the kiss and not medical stuff.’
‘I know exactly what you mean, Kayla.’ Mam raises her eyebrows and I can tell she’s about to launch into an excuse or a speech when her phone vibrates in her bag, distracting her. The beeping is relentless as message after message bombards her phone. I hold my breath as she reaches in, rummages around and finally drags it out.
‘Oh,’ she says, surprised as she stares at the screen. ‘I’ve a tonne of messages from Aiden. I hope the train hasn’t been cancelled or something. How on earth will he get home?’
I throw the covers back and swing my legs over the edge of the bed. Trying to hurry and not hurt myself in the process is really tricky, but I don’t want to be here when Mam reads Aiden’s messages about me stopping treatment.
‘I need to pee,’ I lie, looking for the only reasonable excuse I can find to leave the room so suddenly.
‘Here, let me help,’ Mam says, popping her phone down on the chair behind her as she stands up.
‘No, no. I’ve got this,’ I say, reaching for the single crutch next to my headboard. Mam continues to stand in front of me, blocking my path, trying to help. ‘Mam.’ I wince, pain shooting through my entire body as I finally stand, crutch in one hand, weird coat-stand-on-wheels drip-holder-thingy in the other. ‘I really, really want to pee by myself. Really. I do.’
‘Okay,’ Mam says. ‘But don’t lock the door. Okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I choke back tears of agony. ‘Sure.’
I hobble towards the tiny en suite, close the door behind me and flop onto the loo. I pee. Not because I need to, but since I’m here I might as well make use of the opportunity, so I don’t have to go through this hell again later.
It’s hard to leave the tiny bathroom knowing Mam is reading – some possibly very long – messages from Aiden. And she’s been reading them while I hide in here. The longer I leave it the more time she has to stew over everything he’s saying. I hope he kept to the script and didn’t add in any bits that we didn’t talk about. He was supposed to wait until tonight to text her. I wanted her to have at least a few hours to think everything over and then we could talk about it all in the morning. But now we’re going to have to talk about it tonight. And I’m not ready. And suddenly I feel this might all be a very bad idea.
I flush and give myself a mental high five for standing unaided as I wash my hands. I grab my crutch and finally open the door and hobble back into my room.
It is painfully quiet. The only sound is the loo guzzling in water after a flush and I wish I’d closed the bathroom door behind me. Mam is still sitting in the same chair as when I left but her back is bent and her arms are folded on the edge of the bed with her head resting on top. Her shoulders are shuffling, and I realise she’s crying silently.
Mam doesn’t move as I brush past her. I rest my crutch in the usual spot next to the headboard and climb onto the bed. Mam lifts her head and I can’t miss the mascara streaking down her cheeks as I try to get in under the sheets. Mam helps me and I note we’re getting better at making it seem like much less effort than it actually is.
Mam sits back down and stares at the floor. She can’t even look at me. Oh God. Why did Aiden have to text so soon?
‘C’mere,’ I say, our roles weirdly reversed as I pat my legs and Mam’s head settles onto my lap. She’s so careful not to touch my knee and I know she’s paranoid about hurting me and won’t relax fully. ‘Mam, don’t cry, please,’ I say as I stroke her hair the way she used to stroke mine when I was a little girl. ‘I’ve made my decision. Please try to understand.’
Mam sniffles and finally sits up. My legs are instantly cold when her head isn’t in my lap and I pull the blanket over me.
Mam shakes her head while rubbing her eyes with her finger tips. ‘Kayla, no,’ she says. ‘I can’t let you do this.’
‘I’m not asking for your permission, Mam.’ I swallow, hating how dry my mouth feels and my lips sting where they’re all dry and cracking from the hospital aircon; no amount of lip balm can sort them out. ‘I’m telling you what I want.’
‘You’re fifteen years old, Kayla. You don’t get to make this decision. I do.’ Mam slaps her fingers against her chest so roughly I wonder if she hurts herself. ‘I’m the adult here. I’m the parent.’
Mam’s words are clipped, and her voice is so angry. I didn’t even know she could sound so cros
s. And maybe if you didn’t know her as well as I do you might even believe she’s furious. But, I don’t believe it. Not for a second. Her scrunched-up forehead and gritted teeth can’t hide her sadness. And it breaks my heart.
‘If this is your way of trying to force me to talk to Doctor Patterson, Kayla. It’s not cool. Not cool at all.’
‘Mam, c’mon. Please.’
‘Sorry. Sorry, I know you wouldn’t do that,’ she says. ‘But Jesus, Kayla. You can’t just stop treatment all together. Don’t you know what that means?’
‘Yes,’ I say, worrying about how pale she’s suddenly become. ‘I do.’
‘We need to talk to more doctors,’ Mam says. ‘Get more opinions. Go to another hospital. Maybe in the UK, or the States, if necessary. It’ll be like an adventure. You’ll see. We’ve always wanted to go to America, haven’t we?’
I bum-shuffle forward on the bed, yelping when the cannula in my hand bites because I’ve accidently got the IV line tangled up and it’s pulling. Mam jumps up and untangles the wire quickly. She’s become so familiar with all the medical equipment.
‘There,’ she says, smiling. ‘All better.’
Then she turns away from me and I know it’s because her eyes are filling up with tears and she doesn’t want me to see. She turns away sometimes when the doctors are talking. Or when Molly is asking about when I’m coming to Dad’s for the weekend. And when she feels she’s said something stupid to upset me. Like all better. It’s never going to be all better and we both know it.
‘Sorry, something in my eye,’ Mam says, turning back around.
‘Tears,’ I say.
Mam smiles. ‘When did you get so grown-up, huh? Feels like just yesterday you were sitting on the floor in Granny and Grandad’s house watching cartoons and singing along to all the songs, and look at you now, towering over me. You get your height from your dad, you know.’
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