Swamp Happens: The Complete Swamp Bottom Series

by Cora Kenborn

  And not only was the room all wrong but apparently, the funeral procession had also parked outside and followed us up to the room where my loving sister had given everyone free and clear access to the Adelaide Vagina Show.

  Yep, everyone was present and accounted for, transitioning from a jailhouse wedding to a hospital room three-ring circus. It was standing room only, and everyone from Sheriff Tucker to Deputy Doogie to Aunt Claudette were packed inside like sardines. Hell, even Duck hovered over me like he’d hit the free porn motherload. Zep could’ve charged admission, and we would’ve easily been able to pay for Charlie’s first year of college.

  Along with my precious birth plan that now decorated Highway 57, the “grace under fire” mentality I always prided myself in having had flown out the window. Scanning the room for the nearest target, I found Savannah twirling around in her bridal gown like the mistress of ceremonies and jerked her against me.

  “Why are all these people here?”

  “They love you, Ads,” she answered, kissing my cheek as if I’d asked the dumbest question she’d ever heard. “They want to be here for the miracle of birth.”

  I had to believe my sister was still riding the high from becoming Pope’s wife because otherwise, there was no way in hell she’d say something like that. I’d seen her punch girls in the face for much less.

  “My vagina is not a miracle,” I hissed. “It’s going to split open and kill everyone in here if they don’t leave.” Savannah’s mouth dropped open, and we stared at each other until a snort from the corner of the room caught our attention.

  Babs sat in the only other piece of furniture besides my bed—a rickety old rocking chair covered in more suspect stains than a hotel room bedspread. Her silver disco ball dress shot mini-strobe lights around the room as she threw her hands in the air while flopping back against the creaking wood. “Bah, In Mother Russia, we work until baby fall out. We pick baby up, put in bag, and still work. Your generation is big pussy with fancy hospital and doctor with license.”

  Neither Savannah or I spoke. As I processed the visual of my grandmother squatting in some Eastern European potato field, Babs hauled her massive old lady purse onto her lap and chuckled to herself. Pulling out block of wood and knife, she muttered to herself and began carving.

  I don’t even want to know.

  Unfortunately, just as everything seemed to calm down, the pain returned to remind me who was in charge.

  Side note: It wasn’t me.

  The slow beep from machines monitoring my contractions exploded with an ear-shattering wail. All conversation stopped as I crab-crawled to the top of the bed and bowed my back off the mattress.

  “Zep!” I choked out. “Zep, where the fuck are you?” Letting out a sigh of relief as dark hair appeared beside me, I almost reached for him when a camera was shoved in my face, followed by a shit-eating grin missing a few teeth. Returning to a non-levitated position, I grabbed a handful of his hair and twisted it with gusto.

  “Duck, get that fucking camera out of my face, or I swear to God I’ll dismantle these stirrups and beat you with them.” As another contraction hit, I jerked Duck’s Billy Ray Cyrus mullet until we both screamed. “Zep!”

  There was a commotion behind Duck, and I tilted my head to see inky black hair and tattooed arms push his way through a wall of people. The minute Zep’s eyes landed on Duck and his camera phone, he gave him a not-so-friendly shove into the wall.

  “I’m here, Addie,” he said, dropping by my side. “I don’t know what to do, but just tell me, and I’ll do it.”

  I turned my cheek into his hand. “I’m dying. I swear to God, I’m dying.” Just to prove my point, another contraction hit, and a demon inhabited my body. Coiling his shirt in my hand, I jerked him against me. “You did this to me. You and your defective condom and evil sperm.”

  Zep laughed nervously, glancing over his shoulder at my father who stood stoically with his arms crossed over his chest. “Addie, why don’t you get an epidural. I read in the book that it takes some of the pain away and—”

  “No! That’s not in my birth plan! I want to do this naturally because it’s best for the baby. Please don’t make our son come out stoned off his ass. What kind of start to life is that? Before we know it, he’ll be robbing liquor stores, and we’ll have to spend Christmas visiting him in state prison!”

  I was babbling. I’d lost control over my mouth, and shit was flying out of it like Babs on three-dollar margarita night at Taco Loco.

  Zep shifted a glance around the room again and winced as I ripped out chest hair with the next contraction. “Help,” he begged. “Someone? Anyone? I don’t know what to do with this.”

  “Hey, sweet girl, let’s talk.” A familiar warm hand closed around my wrist and urged it away from Zep’s chest as she sat on the edge of my bed. Just her voice calmed me, and I released my hold, covering my face as the tears came.

  “I’m sorry, Mama. I’m sorry for wrecking Savvy’s wedding, and for acting crazy, and for disappointing you and Daddy.”

  “Disappointing us? Why on Earth would you think you’ve ever disappointed us, Adelaide?”

  How could she ask such a question? The answer was staring her in the face. Dropping my hands, I pointed to my belly and sniffled. “Well for starters, I ran off and got married, never visited, and failed as a wife. Then I’m only home a few months, and I end up a single mom.”

  As the words came out of my mouth, Zep stepped forward, but Mama held up a hand to silence him. “Adelaide Rose Dubois, ever since you were a little girl, you’ve always tried to be perfect, you know that? You’ve always sacrificed what was best for you in favor of what was best for everyone else. Leaving Shreveport was brave.” The hard line around her eyes softened as they settled on my stomach. “As for you being a mother, well, I’m tickled pink to be a grandmother. Not everything in life is planned, honey. Sometimes, God gives us what we need, not what we expect.”

  Keeping my gaze averted, I picked at a loose thread on my blanket. “I thought you might think bad of me.”

  Mothers never let you get away with avoidance, and Marianne Dubois was no exception. Laying a warm hand on the side of my face, she forced my eyes back to her. “Addie, sweetie, I’ve never doubted for one second that my grandson was conceived in love. Labels mean nothing. It’s what’s in here that counts.” She gently placed her other hand on my heart and smiled.

  As we hugged, the part of my heart my mom just mended tore a little as I watched Zep swallow hard and stare at the floor. If I weren’t attached to wires and needles, I would’ve jumped off the bed and wrapped myself around him. Family unity wasn’t exactly an easy thing for Zep to embrace, and I knew the love fest he just witnessed was like a stab in the gut for him. While Liv LeBlanc was a wonderful woman, he’d always harbored resentment over his dad abandoning him.

  Catching my father’s eye, I silently pleaded with him. He and Zep hadn’t seen eye to eye since we’d announced the pregnancy, but my father had never been able to refuse me when I cried.

  And right now, Niagara Falls had nothing on me.

  Daddy closed his eyes, and with a heavy sigh, walked over to Zep with his hands in his pockets. For a few seconds, neither of them said anything. Finally, my dad cleared his throat and spoke in a tone so low I had to strain to hear him over the chatter.

  “I haven’t made it easy on you these past few months, Zephirin.”

  Zep continued staring at the floor. “No, sir.”

  “Addie is my little girl. She’s my firstborn. I’d say you’ll understand with your own, but it’s different with fathers and daughters.” He paused, his expression souring. “Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t happy to see her married off to that jackass up in Shreveport, but at least he made an honest woman of her.”

  That got Zep’s attention, and he lifted his chin. “Sir, I’ve tried—”

  Daddy waved a hand, stopping him. “I know, son. Unfortunately, my daughter has a lot of Kasekov blood in her
. Once she has something in her head, it’s hard to change her mind. Trust me. I grew up with that woman over there.” He tilted his head toward the rocking chair tucked against the back wall.

  Babs didn’t bother to look up as she jabbed the point of the knife into the wood. “Eat old lady ass.”

  Daddy continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “No father wants to see his little girl pregnant and unwed, but if I had to choose between Addie being pregnant and unwed with you or still married to that jerkoff, well, there’s no contest.”

  Zep’s lip quirked up in a cautious smile. “Thank you, I think.”

  “Just make this legal eventually, okay, LeBlanc?”

  Oh shit.

  My role as a spectator in their conversation quickly turned into an active participant as Zep met my eyes. “It’s a matter of time, sir.”

  As they shook hands, another contraction hit, and this one left me gasping for air and screaming at the top of my lungs. Just as it ended, I had only moments to catch my breath before another one started. They came right on top of each other until someone called for the doctor.

  After clearing the room of everyone except for immediate family, the doctor examined me and determined I was almost ready to push. The announcement elicited cheers from everyone except for the two people who should’ve been the happiest—the one who put the baby in there, and the one who had to get it out.

  With a sharp inhale, both of us suddenly realized we were in our final moments before parenthood.

  After patting on my knee, the doctor left the room to check on another patient, assuring me he’d be back in a few moments for delivery.

  Delivery.

  Holy shit.

  Panic hit me, and not the “oh, I’m a little nervous” type panic. No, I went straight into “bitch needs to be shot with horse tranquilizers” panic mode.

  “Zep!” I screamed, squeezing my knees together as if that would actually do anything. “Take me home.”

  “Calm down, baby,” he chuckled, bracing his palms on the mattress and kissing my shoulder.

  “Don’t tell me to calm down! Do you want to push this baby out of your dick?”

  “Well, beyond that being anatomically impossible, no, I find that extremely unappealing.”

  “Someone get my clothes because I’m leaving. I’m not having this baby. I’ve changed my mind.” Flopping back against the pillow, I breathed through another contraction, and upon opening my eyes, I saw a flash of white as Savannah kneeled beside me in her wedding dress.

  “Hey, sis.”

  “I can’t do this, Sav,” I choked out as she grabbed my hand. “I’m not strong enough.”

  “Strong? You’re the strongest person I know, Ads.” Propping both elbows on the mattress, she sandwiched my hand between hers. “Come on, my big sister doesn’t give up. Do you remember when we were little and Pappy tried to teach us to ride bikes? You kept falling off, and I swear, you left all your skin on the dirt road that day. I gave up, but you stayed out there half the night. I watched you through the window riding that bike like a champ because that’s you, Ads. Shit might hurt, but you look through that to see what’s important. Because at the end of the day, a little skin left in the dirt isn’t what you’ll remember.”

  I remembered that day. I bled until I didn’t think I had any more blood left in me, but I wasn’t going inside that house and let Pappy down. I rode that bike because a little pain was worth the prize.

  Just like now.

  “I’m sorry I ruined your wedding day.”

  Savannah threw her head back and laughed. “Ruined it? Are you kidding me? First of all, this little stunt of yours got me out of jail. Besides that, I get to share my anniversary with my nephew’s birthday. How cool is that? We’re gonna have one hell of a party every year.”

  I covered one of her hands with my free one. “I love you, Sav.”

  “Back at ya, big sister.”

  As Savannah climbed off the floor, the door flew back open, and the doctor strolled back in. He was followed by two nurses and the rest of the herd from the jailhouse, who’d apparently driven everyone in the hallway crazy. The nurses milled around like busy bees, affixing medieval torture devices and ushering everyone away from the sterile area.

  “Okay,” the doctor announced, shoving his face in a place that had Zep’s eye twitching. “It’s kickoff time for the home team. Are you ready to push?”

  What the fuck? Is this guy seriously talking about my vagina like a football game?

  “No.”

  “Well, that’s unfortunate because your body is going on the offense anyway.”

  Asshole.

  With Zep holding my hand, I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. I pushed a full half hour before collapsing onto the bed with sweat dripping down my face. “Zep, I’m too tired. No more.”

  The doctor I’d dubbed Coach Dick held both arms up in a touchdown sign. “Here comes another one, Miss Dubois. Let’s go for the win.”

  Leaning against Zep’s ear, I bit out between clenched teeth, “When this is over, I want you to kill him and make it look like an accident.”

  “You got it,” he said as if I’d asked him to do the dishes. “After this is over.”

  Letting out a harsh breath, I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed until I swore I’d busted a blood vessel in my brain.

  “Okay, the baby’s crowning. Want to see this, Dad?” Coach Dick asked, leaning around my shin to smile at Zep.

  Zep’s ass was off the mattress before I knew what was happening. “Yes!”

  “No!” I screamed, pulling him back.

  “Yes!” he repeated prying my fingers off his arm.

  This was non-negotiable. I’d already lost every bit of modesty since my vagina landed the starring role in the hottest reality show in town. No way in hell would I allow the only person who had a rightful claim to it see it being destroyed.

  “It can’t be unseen, Zep!” I begged. “Remember me like I was, not like a can of creamed corn.”

  “Don’t be dramatic, Addie. I want to see our son being born. You worry too much. It’s amaz…oh, God.” Peering over the edge of the bed, he wobbled, and his voice slightly slurred. “I… I mean… Blood. That’s a lot of blood…”

  “Someone get a chair,” a nurse yelled. “He’s going down!”

  Completely taken out of the moment, I watched Zep’s knees buckle right before he went down like a cheap hooker. Pope caught him just in time and dumped him in the rocking chair I assumed Babs was forced to vacate.

  “The fuck, Zep?” I screamed as his head lolled to the side. “Get up! There is no ‘i’ in team! This is the fourth quarter!”

  And now, I’m talking like Coach Dick. Fuck me.

  “Okay, Miss Dubois, game-winning play time. This should do it. One more push, okay?”

  Grabbing my long-abandoned cup of ice chips, I flung the entire thing at Zep’s head. “Zep! Wake the hell up! Someone smack him!”

  As the ice chip explosion hit his face, Zep shot straight up in the chair. Bewildered and still a little green, he nodded and stumbled his way back to my side, sliding beside me in bed. “I’m here. I’m good. Let’s do this.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Comfy?”

  “Cut me some slack, Dubois. That was some fucked up shit down there.”

  “I tried to warn you but—” Fire shot up my entire body, and I let out a blood-curdling scream followed by curse words I’m sure had my mother on her knees praying for my soul.

  Coach Dick gave two thumbs up. “The head is out, team. Let me suction, and it will be game over.”

  “Oh my God, I’m never doing this again. You’re never touching me again.”

  Zep laughed. “Okay, baby. Just get through this. We’ll talk about it later.” As I sobbed, Zep held my face in between his large hands and pressed his forehead against mine. “Look at me, Addie. We’ve waited thirteen years for this. I trust you. You can do this. You can do anything. Bring our son home.”

  As s
imple as his words were, they gave me what I needed. He trusted me to deliver his son safely to him. I wouldn’t let him down. Nodding, I took a deep breath and pushed with everything I had in me.

  “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Zep kissed me in between each repetition, his voice growing raspier.

  And then I heard sound I’d waited a lifetime to hear.

  The sound of my baby crying.

  Cheers erupted throughout the room, the noise deafening as men high fived each other and women sobbed as they hugged.

  I burst into tears, halfway because of the sound and halfway out of sheer relief. Zep’s shaking hands tightened around my face, kissing me for real, his cheeks as wet as mine.

  “Is Dad cutting the cord?”

  This time it was unanimous. Both Zep and I looked up and spoke the same time. “No.”

  We might be hardheaded, but we’re quick learners.

  With our fingers entwined, I wasn’t sure either of us took a breath while waiting for the doctor’s next words. Finally, his gray head popped up, and he smiled. “Mom, Dad, do you want to get a look at your newest recruit?”

  I wanted to scream at him to shove his sports terms straight up his ass, but as the nurse held our baby up for all to see, I couldn’t speak.

  No one could.

  The room fell deathly silent. After three times of trying to find my voice, I finally lifted a shaking hand and pointed at the thing that had just come out of me.

  “Zep, that’s not a penis. Where’s the penis? Make it have a penis!”

  “Congratulations!” Coach Dick announced. “It’s a girl!”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not!”

  “Yes, it is,” he repeated, his eyebrows smooshed together in confusion.

  From the corner of the room, Babs’ cackle echoed like a gunshot. “Mazel tov.”

  Savannah sighed, dropping the hand covering her shocked expression. “Again, you’re not Jewish.”

  “Bah. Baby not have flagpole either. You not yell at her.”

  I looked to Zep for confirmation that this was a joke, but he just raked his hand through his hair, his face pale. “Holy shit, Addie.”

  No. This wasn’t true. This couldn’t happen to me. No way in hell did I just give birth to a girl. I was a planner. For months, I’d planned. Zep and I had prepared Charlie’s room with blue walls and a nautical theme. The closet was filled with more boy clothes than he’d ever wear in his first year of life.