He hated that he’d let Mattie down. More than that, he admitted as he hit the street and headed to his car. He’d hurt him badly and Stevie had every right to be angry with him but it hadn’t been intentional. He had way too much going on at the moment, that was all. And, because he’d needed to shut out the overwhelming worry about Lachlan so he could do his job, he’d ended up shutting out too much—to the point of forgetting something even when he knew how important it was.
Josh sat in his car for a minute, looking up at the floor that was probably the one where Stevie and Mattie’s apartment was. Should he go back? Try and explain?
No. He turned the key and started the engine. He had to get home. He didn’t know if Lucky had even been let out this afternoon and the little dog’s dinner was overdue as well. He added that concern to everything else and it was, possibly, the straw that was about to break the camel’s back.
The mix of the level of worry he’d already been dealing with from the moment he’d known that his brother was sick along with the remorse that had sent him rushing to apologise to Mattie and Stevie was coagulating into a much harsher emotion.
Anger.
Not with Lachlan for being sick. Or Mattie for being hurt. Or even Stevie for pushing him away like that. He understood. Of course he understood. Josh knew exactly why this was all going so very wrong. He’d broken the rules. He’d let himself get too close to others and he’d let others get too close to him. And now people were getting hurt. Including himself. The way he’d been hurt—too often—when he’d been too young to defend himself. The way he’d vowed that he would never let happen again.
He left the outskirts of Gloucester behind and headed towards the outlying villages along winding roads and gave in to beating himself up.
Why on earth had he thought it was a good idea to join the Big Brother organisation when it was painfully obvious he was going to get close to whatever kid he developed a relationship with? Especially one who had reminded him so much of himself as a kid?
He’d let himself get far too close to Stevie, as well. Had he really believed he could keep the kind of distance from her that he’d managed to hang on to in every one of his previous relationships with women? Stevie was nothing like any of those women. The connection they had was like nothing he’d even believed existed.
Lucky was overjoyed to see Josh as he arrived home and he was also desperate to get out into the garden. Josh got the little dog’s dinner ready but wasn’t tempted at all by the idea of eating anything himself. He went to pour himself a small whisky instead, but the sight of the bottle that he and Lachlan had all but emptied on that night they’d sat up talking till all hours gave Josh another kick in the guts.
Was this the worst thing of all right now?
That he’d found he had family? A brother? Not just any sibling either, but a twin. An identical twin, which was the closest kind of genetic relationship it was possible to have. They’d only known of each other’s existence for a short time but already it was like catching glimpses of a part of himself he hadn’t known was missing.
It was something precious.
And it was under threat. Breaking something deep inside him. Blowing holes in any carefully crafted defence systems and...and it hurt, dammit.
Lucky had finished his dinner and was trying to stay as close to Josh as possible as he paced around his house.
‘I’m not going to let him do it,’ he told the dog. ‘I’m not going to let him push me away like that. He might not like the idea of needing someone any more than I do but that’s just the way it is.’ Whatever journey was waiting for his brother, he wasn’t going to be taking it alone.
He punched in the rapid dial number on his phone and listened to it ring. And then he listened to Lachlan’s voice telling him he wasn’t available and inviting him to leave a message.
Josh hung up instead. Then he looked down at the little white dog. ‘I’m going to the hospital,’ he said. ‘Want a ride in the car?’
His phone rang as he fastened his seat belt and he answered it without even glancing at the screen, assuming it was Lachlan returning his call.
But it wasn’t his brother. It was Stevie.
‘I was wrong, Josh.’ They were her first words. ‘We do need you...’
The fear in her voice broke his heart wide open. He might be getting glimpses of a part of himself that he hadn’t known was missing when it came to his twin brother but it was at that moment that Josh realised Stevie was an even bigger part of his life that had been missing. He couldn’t not love her. He couldn’t allow her to be frightened, either. Not if there was anything he could do about that.
‘I’m on my way,’ he told Stevie. ‘What’s happened, darling?’
‘It’s Mattie.’ He could hear the strangled sob in her voice. ‘He’s run away...’
* * *
Having Josh with her didn’t make it any less terrifying for Stevie that Mattie had run away but as she stood beside his car, wrapped in his arms, she knew that it was the only thing that could have provided any kind of anchor in this totally unexpected and unbelievably scary maelstrom.
‘This is my fault,’ she told Josh. ‘I knew he was upset but I just left him alone. I was packing crockery and pots and things in the kitchen because I thought the best thing I could do was to make sure we moved as soon as possible. That I got him away from that gang of boys that had scared him.’ She took in a shaky breath. ‘I was making so much noise it’s no wonder I didn’t hear him sneak out of the apartment.’
‘We’re going to find him,’ Josh said, softly. ‘And I don’t think I’m going to let either of you out of my sight ever again.’
They were words that Stevie might have been dreaming of hearing but right now they just floated over her head and evaporated into the night.
‘Let’s go,’ she said.
‘Where, first?’
‘I don’t know.’ Stevie climbed into the Jeep. ‘Anywhere we can think of. I just need to be going somewhere. Doing something.’
The police had agreed that Stevie and Josh should go and search for Mattie. Mrs Johnson from next door would be keeping watch and would let them know if Mattie returned home. He hadn’t been missing long enough to justify a full-scale police operation, especially since he was old enough to be able to hide effectively if that was what he intended to do. The police would keep an eye out in the area, of course, and they’d have a word with that gang of boys that were known to be causing a bit of havoc locally.
‘Where would he go?’ Josh wondered aloud. ‘Who would he want to talk to if he was upset?’
‘His gran,’ Stevie said.
‘Maybe he’s headed for the station, where he caught the bus that time to go and see her. Do you know if he’s called her?’
Stevie shook her head. ‘She would have called me if he had. I don’t want to tell her what’s happened just yet. I don’t want to worry her, in case it turns out to be nothing...’
Josh was heading for the central city but he glanced at the sign indicating the direction to take a motorway out of town. ‘He wouldn’t be trying to get to your new house, by any chance? Or mine—to see Lucky, maybe?’
Hearing his name, Lucky sat up on the back seat and wagged his tail but, again, Stevie shook her head.
‘He doesn’t even know the name of the village yet.’ But she turned to look at Lucky again, reaching out to pat the little dog. ‘He does love Lucky, though.’
‘We’re not that far from the vet clinic we went to a couple of times. He loved being there and helping with Lucky’s care.’
‘He did.’ Stevie found a wobbly smile. ‘That was the first time I’d seen him looking really happy since we’d moved here. Lucky—and you—made such a difference for us.’
Josh had slowed the car and then stopped. ‘The park here. This is where we brought Lucky on our first official Big Br
other session. When we had to take turns carrying him because he couldn’t walk yet.’
They both got out of the car and walked a little way along the path. Josh was holding Stevie’s hand and she was holding his so tightly he was losing sensation in his fingers.
‘Mattie!’ Stevie shouted. ‘Are you here?’
‘Mattie...’ Josh echoed her call. ‘Where are you, mate?’
They stood there, listening to the silence coming from the dark shadows in the park.
‘He’s not here,’ Stevie whispered. ‘I can feel it. Just like I could feel that he wasn’t in the apartment. It’s just too...empty...’
‘I know.’ Josh squeezed her hand.
Stevie rested her head against his shoulder to take a deep breath. ‘Thank you,’ she murmured.
‘What for?’
‘Being here.’
‘Where else would I be?’ Josh turned his head so that he could capture her gaze. ‘I love you, Stevie. And I love Mattie.’
Oh...the look in his eyes. This wasn’t the kind of love that came with a friendship. This was the soul-deep, one-of-a-kind love that could connect two people for a lifetime. The kind of love that Stevie had tried—and failed—not to have for Josh. But she could only focus on his last words. That he loved Mattie.
‘He adores you,’ she told Josh. She had to swallow hard to fight back tears. ‘When you asked who he’d want to talk to? That would be you, even more than his gran. Maybe he felt bad about not talking to you when you came to apologise for missing the session today. He might be trying to find you.’
‘But he doesn’t know where I live.’
‘He knows where he’s always found you, though. Every Thursday.’
‘The Big Brother Headquarters.’ Josh was looking over Stevie’s head. ‘It’s just down the road. Come on...’
This part of the inner city was much quieter in the evenings and the wide street was almost deserted. Josh drove slowly and then pulled up close to the building they both recognised.
‘Spooky place at this time of night,’ he said. ‘Surely he wouldn’t come here?’
But there was a shadow on the wide step in front of the door. At first glance it looked like a rubbish bag. Or a pile of old clothing, perhaps, but on closer inspection it became obvious that it was a small person, hunched up, with their head cradled on their arms.
Stevie and Josh were out of the car at exactly the same moment. They even spoke at exactly the same time and in exactly the same tone of absolute relief.
‘Mattie...’
* * *
For the longest time the three of them sat on that step together. Stevie was on one side of Mattie and Josh was on the other and they both had an arm around him.
A Mattie sandwich.
There was a street lamp nearby, which gave more than enough light for them to be able to look at each other over the top of Mattie’s head. To hold that eye contact long enough to be absolutely sure that there were promises being made. Maybe the exact wording of those promises would have to wait for a whispered conversation when they were alone in each other’s arms but, for now, this was enough.
More than enough.
Stevie had never felt this happy. Ever.
‘Oh,’ she finally said aloud. ‘We’d better let the police know they can stop looking for Mattie.’
‘I left my phone in the car,’ Josh said.
‘I’ll do it.’ Stevie dialled the number she’d been given and it was a quick message to impart.
Mattie was looking up at her when she’d finished. ‘Were the police really looking for me?’
‘Of course they were. I had no idea where you were.’ Stevie’s voice wobbled. ‘You scared me, Mattie.’
‘Sorry, Mum...’ Mattie ducked his head and reached to stroke Lucky, who was sitting quietly on his feet, pressed as close as he could get to his favourite person.
‘Why did you run away, mate?’ Josh’s query was gentle.
‘I heard you.’ Mattie gulped in a huge breath. ‘I heard you say that you weren’t my dad...’
He still had his head down, focused on Lucky, so it was only Stevie who could see how genuine the apology in Josh’s eyes was.
‘I’m really sorry, Mattie,’ he said. ‘I know it’s not much of an excuse but I’d had a bad day. A bad week, in fact. Did you know that I’ve got a brother I didn’t even know I had?’
‘Yeah... Mum told me. How come you didn’t know?’
‘It’s a bit of a long story that I’ll tell you soon. Bottom line was that we got given to different families when we were born because our mum didn’t want us. Or couldn’t look after us, maybe. She can’t have been as brave as your mum.’
Mattie finally looked up at Josh. ‘That’s really cool,’ he said. ‘To have a brother. I’d like a brother. Or a sister, even...’ Then he sighed heavily. ‘But Mum can’t have another baby.’
‘Oh?’ Stevie blinked. ‘Why not?’
‘Because you don’t even have a boyfriend, Mum.’
‘Yes, she does.’ Josh spoke quietly but with absolute conviction. ‘Your mum has a boyfriend who loves her very, very much.’
‘But you said,’ Mattie insisted. ‘You said you didn’t want to be my dad. That you never want to be anybody’s dad.’
Stevie held her breath as the silence stretched. She watched the way Josh tilted his head until it was almost touching Mattie’s. As if this was a private conversation.
‘I only said that because I was scared,’ he said, very quietly. ‘If I was going to be anybody’s dad, in the whole wide world, I’d want it to be you.’
Mattie’s voice was almost inaudible. ‘Why?’
‘Because I love you,’ Josh responded. ‘Like the way I love your mum. Which means it’s never going to disappear. Ever...’
He looked up and the touch of that eye contact was like a hug. A promise all on its own. Stevie had to blink away tears that were just part of this enormous happiness.
‘Really?’ Mattie was staring at Josh intently.
‘Really.’
Mattie sucked in another big breath. He was leaning towards Josh now and he lowered his voice. This was also private.
‘You could be my dad,’ he whispered. ‘If you married my mum.’
‘I’d like that very much,’ Josh whispered back. ‘But only if that’s what your mum wants too.’
Stevie didn’t bother trying to stop her tears as she joined in the whispered conversation. ‘I’d like that very much, too.’
And there it was again. That look of love that Stevie would never get used to seeing. A look that she knew she could absolutely trust. A love she could trust even more.
‘Will you come and live with us then?’ Mattie couldn’t keep whispering. ‘With us and Lucky in our new house?’
The corner of Josh’s mouth curled into a smile. ‘Do you think it might be better if you all came to live in my house? It’s a wee bit bigger.’
‘But what about our new house?’
‘We can talk about that later,’ Stevie told him. ‘But I’m thinking that if we fixed it up and made it nice, maybe your gran would like to come and live closer to us.’
‘Brilliant idea,’ Josh agreed.
But Mattie was frowning. ‘You said you were scared,’ he said slowly. ‘And that was why you said you didn’t want to be anybody’s dad. But you’re a grown-up. What are you scared of?’
‘Ah...’ Josh spoke to Mattie as if he was a grown up himself. ‘Losing things,’ he told him. ‘Especially people. This brother that I’m going to tell you all about? His name’s Lachlan and...and he’s pretty sick right now.’
‘Is he going to die?’
Stevie lifted her arm from around Mattie to touch Josh as she saw him struggling to answer. And she filled the silence.
‘We hope not,’ she said
. ‘There’s a special way that Josh might be able to help him get better. It’s called a stem cell transplant but Josh can tell you all about that. He needs to talk to Lachlan about it first.’
‘Yeah... I do.’ Josh got to his feet. ‘And there’s no time like the present, is there? I reckon he’s going to be really happy to hear that Mattie’s going to have a dad because—’ he was grinning at Mattie ‘—that means he’s going to be an uncle, doesn’t it?’
Mattie’s eyes widened. ‘He hasn’t even met me.’
‘So come with me.’
‘Oh...’ Stevie got to her feet. ‘But it’s you that Lachlan needs to see now. It’s a private sort of family conversation you need to have.’
‘Exactly.’ Josh held out his hand. ‘And you’re family, too. My family.’
Stevie took hold of Josh’s hand and took a step forward.
‘Wait for me.’ Mattie scooped Lucky into his arms as he jumped to his feet. ‘I’m coming, too.’
The shared glance between Stevie and Josh was full of laughter this time. As if they’d leave him behind... He’d brought them together in the first place and somehow he’d created the space that had convinced them both that they could trust what they had together. For ever.
They all went towards the car. They had an important visit to make now and Stevie knew it was a big step into her future and, whatever that future held, if they were together it was all she could ever have hoped for.
Stevie made sure Mattie had clicked his seat belt into place in the back seat as Josh instructed Lucky to lie down on his blanket. She turned to get into the front seat but Josh caught her shoulder to turn her and then pulled her into his arms. He caught her gaze first.
‘I love you,’ he said softly.
‘I know.’ Stevie wanted to smile but this was too big. ‘I love you, too...’
Josh caught her lips, then, in the softest, most eloquent kiss in the world. So tender it broke Stevie’s heart—in a very good way...
‘Ew...that’s so gross...’ Mattie had his face pressed against the window. ‘Can we go now?’
A Pup to Rescue Their Hearts Page 15