“Oh, I see. So you can have as many girls as you want but I can’t even look at Lex, is that right?” I give him an incredulous look. “Did I miss the part where you own her?”
“Are you gonna ask her out?” He growls.
“You know what? Fine. I’ll tell ya. In another reality? I’d ask her out. Sure. In this one we are livin’ in? No chance in hell.”
“Good. Because it’s not what she needs.”
“What does she need?” I set my jaw, huffing out frustration while I wait.
“Not you.”
“Oh, and are you interested in askin’ her out? Because it seemed you made quite the impression with Claudia.”
“You leave Claudia outta this.” He clenches his fists.
“Then you leave Lexie outta all of it,” I stand up from my machine, done with this conversation. Mick can keep all his judgement to himself. Why is he so upset about this? About everything? We used to be close but something is up and neither of us is trying to fix it. I’ve got enough to worry about that I don’t have time to deal with his drama.
Back home, protein powder sloshes in my blender bottle. I have a constant headache from not eating. I drink it and hop in my shower. Keep it down, Bobby. Keep it down. I wring my hands, determined to ignore my urge to heave.
I make it out of the shower with the shake still down.
A small victory.
In the mirror, I realize I need to shave before tonight’s award ceremony for Tiny Knights Training Camp.
Lathering my face in shaving cream, the doorbell rings. While I’m wearing nothing but a towel? Of course. I hurry with my face while the bell rings a second time. Then a third.
It’s probably my box of supplements that they have me sign for. Or Mick leaving his keys in his room and getting locked out again. I’ll grab it real quick, then finish with my face.
“Hey.” Lexie stands at my door holding a big box of peaches. Lexie? Here? Now? At my door when I’m in nothing but a towel?
Dammit.
“A highschooler came by sellin’ these. Thought you’d like some.” Her hair is in a long bright red braid down one side. She’s wearing a Suncastle Knights baseball cap. A black tank top hugs her curves above her short khaki shorts. My heart races. Shit, if I haven’t missed her like crazy.
“Oh, thanks.” I go to take the box. My towel drops from my hips to my ankles.
Shit.
Her eyes are glued to me, naked, for a little longer than a breath.
Double shit.
My heart beats out of control while I set the box of peaches aside. “Whoops.”
She and I lean down to grab the towel off my cheap apartment carpet. Her hat bumps into my chin, getting caked in shaving cream.
Triple fucking shit.
“Uh, sorry about that.” I point to her cap, gather up my towel, and sling it around my hips. “Come on in, let’s get your hat cleaned up.” I head toward my bedroom.
She follows me, acting like me in nothing but my birthday suit is a normal occurrence. Turning on the sink, she gets a washcloth wet and works away the shaving cream. I duck into my room to get some damn clothes on.
When I come back into the hallway. She’s holding my razor in one hand, leaning her body against the doorframe with a sexy smile tugging on her lips.
“I’m glad you’re enjoyin’ this.” I roll my eyes.
“Didn’t know I’d get a show.” She hands me the razor.
I work off several days of scruff.
“Oh? I thought the show was the exchange for a big ol’ box of peaches.”
“No, that’s not what I came for.” She giggles.
“Well what did you come for?”
“An explanation.”
I close my eyes for several heartbeats. It’s erratically surging in my chest. “I told you.”
“You barely told me anythin’. Are we gonna dance around this forever?”
“No, I’m gonna change the beat.” I play off her verbs the way I wish I played off her body. “You and I both know this ain’t a good idea.” I gesture between her and me. Water splashes away the shaving cream. I wipe my face with my towel. She sits on my bed like she belongs there. Why the fuck is she being so casual?
Most girls would be raging at me for leaving abruptly. Hell, even Sam didn’t like how short I got with them. Lexie is acting normal. Like it was no big deal that I vanished and haven’t called her since.
We were both drunk. Part of me hoped she was drunk enough not to remember what we did. But the fact that she is comfy on my sheets makes me think otherwise.
I crave the way she feels. That touch I had of her body has driven me mad ever since I withdrew. I want nothing more than to jump on this bed right now and take her to the highest level of heaven there is.
But I won’t. I can’t.
Never again.
Grabbing a shirt, I walk to my couch. She follows, sitting too close. Just looking at her ignites my feelings. It’s hard enough to shove the thoughts out of my head. Being here with her, it’s impossible to ignore them.
“I’ve gotta know what’s goin’ on with you.” She holds my attention for a long while. I feel heavy. Like I’m stuck in a pool of quicksand. No way out. Drowning. Swallowed whole.
“Lexie, I don’t think I can be what you need, alright?” Every word makes my stomach churn that protein shake. Don’t throw it up. Can’t throw it up. Won’t throw it up. Not with Lexie here. Not at all. Shit, I’ve gotta stop this shit.
“He’s been gone more than a year.” Her eyes are kind, but I sense her nerves. She doesn't know how I’m going to take her words. Based on our previous encounters, I don’t have a record for being smooth or understanding. Or anything other than a walking, talking, over-reaction.
“I know.”
“I know that you know.” She takes my hands in hers and it’s familiar and warm. Like coming home. “Bobby, I didn’t see you then. Back when we were in junior high or high school, or any of those times we hung out. But I see you now. And I don’t know everythin’ goin’ on inside of you, but I want to know. Ever since the other night–”
“The other night never should’ve happened.” I shake my head, pulling my hands from hers.
“Who says?”
“Me.”
“Well open your goddamn eyes because I don’t see anythin’ wrong with what happened.”
I raise my eyebrows waiting for her to drop some joke. To take it all back. Because it was a mistake. The longer I look at her, the more I’m surprised. Because this is no joke. She means it. My thoughts gloss over what she just said. “I don’t see anythin’ wrong with what happened.” New awareness dawns in my soul.
“You don’t?” This feels more like a dream than what is actually taking place in my living room. Staring at that horrible part of carpet in front of my door, I hold my breath in my lungs.
“No.” She shakes her head, bright red braid bouncing with each move. My mouth waters, wanting to watch that hair as I throw her onto my bed.
You’re already in too deep, Bobby.
“Do you know what I think?” She leans in closer.
“What?” I clear my throat, all kinds of clogged up by her presence.
“That we all have our own versions of the truth. Two people can experience the same event and have a totally different truth.” She sits a little straighter. “My truth is that I feel somethin’ for you and even though it scares the fuck out of me, I want to know what we can be. Now.” She holds her hands in mine. Those soft fingers send sizzles of electricity straight to my heart. “I need to know your truth.”
Several seconds pass in the most excruciating silence. I leave her hands, running my fingers through damp hair and pulling tight. “Lex, I care about you enough to know that I can’t be with you. I’ll only make this worse. I’ll drive deeper the heartache we both feel every hour of the day. I can’t do that.” The words make my throat ablaze, but they are my honest reality. Though I lie to some, she deserves the tr
uth. My truth…I like that. “I care about you, okay?”
“Okay.” She purses her lips and looks at me for a long time, as if she thinks I’ll say more.
My heart is at war with my head. Her wanting me is the ending of so many of my fantasies. But I know this isn’t what we need. I have to stay strong when all I want to do is scoop her in my arms and kiss her.
Please Lex, just know that this is the hardest favor I can give you. Because she doesn’t need to be with me. I’m too broken to love her the way she deserves. I’ll stay single forever if I need to. But I won’t hurt her this way. I can’t.
We get off the couch and go to the door.
“I’m hopin’ sometime we can revisit this.” She stands on her toes and kisses my freshly shaved cheek. A shiver works through me as she walks away.
Because all I can think is that I’m making a huge mistake by letting her go.
12
LEXIE
Preseason Physicals are the worst time of year, I swear. We’ve been getting ready all day, making sure the freshmen can take blood pressure and temperatures worth shit. Got tons of files, one for each team member of each sport. It’s a fucking administrative nightmare.
Mindy gave us strict orders, and I’m going out of my way to do the best I can. I’ll show her that I can do this. Things have still been awkward with her, and I hope it’s just a stressful time or something. Why she is so upset, I may never know. But I want to fix it. I really do.
My eyes search the room for people I know, while there’s only one person I want to find.
Bobby.
His name brings a warmth to my heart and that ache I’ve had, worrying I’ve lost him before anything really began. If I can talk to him again, I’ll convince him he needs me. That I need him. That it would be okay with Cody, because why wouldn’t it be? Cody was so protective of me. If there’s anyone he’d trust me with, it’s Bobby.
Continually scanning the room, a crushing reality sinks in the longer I’m here. We should’ve run into each other on campus by now, but we haven’t.
Bobby doesn’t want to be found.
He’s the one that ran off when he thought we went too far. But he’s the one who moved so fast. The one that wanted something with me. That sliver of faith is all I have to hold onto. Because fuck, I want to know what we could be.
Athletes wait impatiently in lines out the door. I wish we had more than one night to get through all the student athletes–the paperwork alone takes so much time. Even with every ATC and student working, we’re understaffed.
“And the next set.” Jae brings me a fresh stack of paperwork. “Two hours down, six more to go.” It’ll be at least midnight before any of us think about going home.
“Pizza!” Jessica yells, but I don’t have time to look up.
The hours buzz by.
By the end of the night, my hand throbs from filling out so many forms. We clean up the training room, and I stuff a slice of cold pizza into my mouth before my insides gnaw a hole through my belly.
Jae and I walk to the parking lot and I give him a ride to his dorm across campus.
“This is the last year we have to run physicals as students.” He smiles.
“Thank fuck.” I roll my eyes. There’s a heaviness in my chest, wondering if Bobby is avoiding me.
“You alright?” Jae’s eyebrows wrinkle as my car idles outside his dorm.
“Did you see Bobby tonight?” My head leans against my headrest. This is the first time I’ve mentioned him to anyone in the department. “I kept wishin’ I’d see him.”
“Bobby, eh? He is nice looking.”
“He’s so much more than that.” I kill the engine, knowing I need to talk and Jae is probably the only safe person, besides Charlene or Trish. Mickey has been avoiding me, and I think Bobby may be the reason.
Have I been reading everything wrong? Have I screwed everything up with Bobby and Mickey forever? Fuck, these guys are supposed to be my friends. I sigh, wondering what hope I’m holding on to. Bobby and I got drunk and made out. He’s clearly moved on and I’m an idiot to think anything more of that night. He’s always been a player. I just thought maybe with me, it was different.
“Do you think I’m stupid?” I sigh, sinking into the seat, gripping the wheel ‘til my knuckles blanche.
“Why would you be stupid, love?” He waits until I look at him. Jae always builds me up. Just a genuinely good human. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I really can’t. But I don’t think stupid is a word I’d ever use in reference to you.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “You always make me feel better.”
“Do you think Bobby wants to be with you?”
“I think he does, but I don’t think he’ll let himself.”
“Sounds like Bobby, doesn’t it?” He laughs, shaking his head.
“What would you do if you were me?” I need a glimpse of wisdom because all that runs through my head is crazy levels of doubt that I’m being stupid and that it’s silly for me to hold onto any bit of hope. There isn’t a more down-to-earth person than Jae. He’s one of the best people I know, and that’s why I can trust him with this. If only it weren’t all so complicated.
“It’s not like I’ve been lookin’ for anythin’. I just wanted to come back here and finish school.”
“And, I’m glad you did.” He brushes his hair out of his face, readjusting his glasses.
“Me, too.”
“If I were you, I’d wait and see if anything comes of it,” he sighs. “Bobby’s been through a lot, too.”
“I know.” My mouth is hot while I spend a moment trying to breathe. How is it that I am still hoping? Thinking about him soothes me, fills my being. He’s worth waiting for and fighting for, and worth whatever it takes just to know if we can ever be more.
An ache spreads through my chest as I realize how much I miss him. He’s become a home to me, filling that hollow void inside of me that no one has been able to touch since Cody died. It’s changed everything about how I feel, given me comfort to know that I’m not alone. Even though I haven’t seen him, I’ve drawn from his strength, and it’s helped me be in Suncastle, helped me make it through one more day and then do it all again and again until maybe one day it won’t hurt so much.
“Maybe you need each other.” Jae’s hand is on mine, a smile on his lips. “I wouldn’t be hard on either one of you, though. The road you walk upon is not one anyone would ever desire.”
His words ring true, and I swallow the knot in my throat.
“You’ll figure it out though, my dear. I’ve no doubt of that.” He clicks open the door and goes to his dorm. I feel a little lighter as I drive home.
My pictures with Cody hang on every wall in the beach house. One day soon, I’m going to make this beach house my own. If I have to live here, it’s time to make some room for new memories. I’ll never forget Cody, and as hard as it is to trust myself that I won’t, it’s time to move forward.
“You need a place that can be yours.” Bobby couldn’t have been more right.
It’s time for me to live, instead of pretend I’m dead. Only a part of me died with Cody, not all of me. I can’t waste the life I still have left.
I don’t know everything, but I know that.
Cody would want me to move on.
It’s time.
13
BOBBY
NOVEMBER
Grief won’t leave me the fuck alone.
I’m depressed constantly.
Sitting in class, my head pounds. I left my backpack in the training room. Shit. I’m so out of it today. Get in the game, Bobby.
If I thought things got bad when Lexie first came back to Suncastle, it’s a million times worse now. I’m avoiding her to keep myself away. But this doesn’t feel right, either. I am so lost I don’t know which way is up.
I toss and turn all night, battling nightmares or insomnia. Or both. By the time I fall asleep, it’s way later than it should be. But
I can’t seem to keep my eyes open when my alarm clock goes off. Can’t seem to get out of bed.
It’s never been this bad.
Sleeping through my first few classes every day. Not even running with Briar in the mornings. My grades aren’t slipping yet, but they will be if I don’t watch it. I’ve got piles of assignments due.
Feeling this way is shit. Stuck in the past and afraid of the future. I’m sinking low and don’t know how to get help.
I need my best friend.
God, are you listenin’? Cause I swear you made a mistake with this one. Just go back and make that car wreck not happen, would ya? Please? I don’t ask for much. But could you do that? Please? Maybe? Or just help me figure out some fuckin’ way to cope with it all?
No peace comes. No answer. It’s just me. Alone.
“Promise me you’ll take better care of yourself.” Sam’s plea to me from the last time I saw them haunts me. They knew the direction I was heading, even then. I’m on a slippery slope, like sliding to home plate in a rainstorm. There’s no way to get through this without getting covered in mud.
I miss Cody. I miss Sam. I miss Mick actually being my goddamn friend and roommate instead of treating me like I’m the reason for all his misery.
I miss Lexie most. I feel completely alone.
Class ends. I walk into the athletic building and fill up my water bottle. This will tide me over until I decide to eat. Not that I deserve any food. I don’t deserve to take care of myself.
I change into my uniform, some of the guys coming and going from their lockers.
“Bobby!” Zac greets me when I walk in the waiting area for team photos. He’s a first baseman and a good friend. Mick doesn’t look up, even though he’s sitting next to Zac. God, I wish I knew what the fuck was going on between us.
“Hey.” I nod.
Most of the guys are horsing around. Some glued to their phones.
“Haven’t seen you much,” Zac says. “Whatchu been up to?”
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 9