A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One

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A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 11

by Marissa J. Gramoll


  Cody’s voice.

  They don’t want me to keep hurting myself. Fuck….

  I can’t do this anymore.

  I won’t.

  I can’t.

  Not right now.

  Not today.

  Mindy can help. She made me see the doctor and is sending me to the psychologist.

  Memories of the first time I gagged myself come to my mind. Cody’s birthday, right after he started dating Lex. Lots of treats. Too much sugar. Too many calories. He came to check on me. I faked a stomach flu. It was so easy. Shoulda faked one with Mindy today.

  Shit, I wish I never started.

  I splash water on my face and go lay down, though I have tons of assignments to finish. On my nightstand is Cody’s journal. The one he gave me a long time ago. My eyes find the page that I read most. Wish it made me feel better, instead of worse.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. I want it to be Lexie. It’s Mindy, asking if I ate.

  Me: Just had a protein shake.

  Mindy: Good. I’ll check in tomorrow morning. You got this.

  Gripping my knees to my chest, I wonder if she’s right. Can I get this under control? In a way that it doesn’t just keep coming back when my life goes to shit?

  Soon, I need to talk to Lexie. I don’t know when or how, but I need to. Keeping my dinner down tonight is the first step.

  14

  LEXIE

  “You’re doing the right thing.” Trish holds a box on her hip. Her light brown hair rests on her shoulders under her black fedora. Red lipstick and lots of eyeliner accent her features.

  “It doesn’t feel right.”

  “I know, but it is.” Her half smile gives me courage to close the last box. Everything is changing and I wish I knew how to feel.

  We repainted the hallway blue and all the pictures are down. If I have to stay here, all of this belongs in a box–not because I don’t want to remember him, but because every photo stirs up my insides.

  It’s hard to do this, but I need to.

  “You have to do what you need. Because you are the one that’s still alive.” My counselor’s voice plays, reminding me of the coping skills I learned right after Cody’s death. I don’t find that comforting, at least not yet, but I’m trying.

  “We puttin’ all of this upstairs?” Trish wraps up another of the canvas prints, nestling it safely in a plastic bin.

  “Maybe I should give some of these pictures to his mom, or maybe some of his old stuff. How much would she want?”

  Trish considers my question. “I don’t know, Lex. Their place is so small it doesn’t have room for the stuff they have.”

  “Do you ever see them?”

  “Yeah, sometimes.” Trish lives in the apartments pretty close to Cody’s parent’s place. “Mama Jones goes on walks down Holland Road while I’m drivin’ and I’ll catch her at Publix.”

  “She still workin’ there?”

  “Yeah and at Shakey’s.”

  I’m not surprised she’s still working two jobs. They barely made ends meet before, and the kids are only bigger now. “Man, I miss their strawberry banana shake.”

  Trish points at the air. “And the onion rings.”

  “I never thought we wouldn't talk.” My saliva is thick as I look at the canvas print in my hands.

  “I’d be surprised if I was you, too. Y’all seemed real close.”

  “Thought she was the mom I never had but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Maybe it just hurts too much to talk to me when she can never talk to Cody. I don’t know.”

  The ache in my heart that happened the moment I heard about the accident grows with things like this. Lack of closure burns at my soul like eroding acid.

  “Let’s go to Kohl’s and get you some new decor.” Trish carries the last box to my bedroom closet where we’re storing everything until I can think of a better place. “Then let’s get pizza.”

  “Okay.” I check my wallet to make sure I have my credit card. Dad pays the balance, no matter what I put on it. It’s a nice thing that I bet will stop after I finish school. He’s been more than kind about putting me through college.

  We get to Kohl’s and it feels good to be somewhere like this, not on campus where I live and breathe.

  “Home stuff is in the back.”

  “I know that.” I shake my head while she leads the way through the women’s clothing and the baby toys.

  In homewares, a wall of towels invites me to buy them. “I dunno what I want.” The decisions perplex me, likely a result of my controlling mother. She made all the decisions growing up–everything big and small. How am I supposed to pick any goddamn thing for myself?

  “That’s what you have me for!” Trish picks out several nice pieces that go well together. We smell candles, throw around throw pillows and dance in the aisles when “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely” by The Backstreet Boys comes on.

  “I’ve missed you, girl.” My smile reaches my eyes, my artistic side reawakening. I haven’t felt creative since, well, since he died.

  “Course you have, sweetheart.” She pops her bubblegum bubble like it’s still as cool as when we were ten.

  “Maybe somethin’ like this.” I hold up a soft throw blanket.

  “Would look good with your big butterfly painting. You know, the blue one? We can put it on the front wall and have these on the table.” She examines a large maroon vase.

  My stomach drops. “Am I really replacing all of our stuff?”

  Replacing him?

  “I know it’s hard.” Trish puts her arms around my shoulders. “I miss him too.” The air feels cold, and I shiver. Keep going, keep moving, get through this.

  “How’re classes going?” Trish offers a blessed change of subject.

  “Going a’right. I help out in the trainin’ room a lot, giving tips to the freshmen, waiting for baseball to start up. I’m thrilled for this season.”

  “Um, duh. You’ve always been a cleat chaser.” She winks.

  “Yeah, and well, I guess I’m doin’ it again.” Nerves riddle my system as I recall the horrible dance that is Bobby and me at the moment. Trish may or may not approve.

  “No shit.” She wrinkles her eyebrow. “That new kid? The one that’s supposed to start as shortstop? Or Zac? He’s lookin’ real good this year. Ugh, I need to experience his home run,” her eyes turn dreamy, “but I’ll stay far away if he’s the one you’re after.” Trish may be done with school, but she keeps up with the players.

  “No, um, I don’t know how to tell you this.” I tap my foot against the cart wheel.

  “Well spit it out girl. Who is it?” She holds a pillow that would look good with the throw blanket in the cart.

  “Bobby.”

  She drops the pillow to the floor and chokes on her bubble gum. “Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Bobby–third fuckin’ baseman, used to be Cody’s best friend–Anderson? That Bobby?”

  “He’s the one.”

  “The one.” Her eyes are wide, holding mine like she’s waiting for me to correct her. “No shit?”

  “No shit.” I’ll ease into it, because she may be pissed that I didn’t call and tell her every goddamn bit of it before. “Remember when Bobby and I made out.”

  “You said you were drunk.” She references our texting convo.

  “Well we may have started out that way, but I think there’s more.” My stomach flutters.

  “Well spill woman, have you, uh, you know?” She winks. “Bobby is good at that sorta thing, so I’ve heard.”

  “No.” I bring my fingers to my lips, trying to ignore the judgement she may have if I am just hooking up with him. “Well, almost, I mean. The night we were drunk, we coulda.” When I think about that night with the wine, my body tingles, remembering the feel of his fingers.

  “Why on earth didn’t you? Because that boy is f-iiii-neee.” She drags out every letter and I relax a bit, realizing she isn’t totally against the idea of me crushing on him.
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br />   “Bobby? The one that was always as obnoxious as fuck when he wasn’t just a quiet wallflower. You think he’s f-iii-nnnnnneeeee?” I overemphasize her overemphasis.

  “Girl, you and I both know he was never that obnoxious, and that he has grown up to be someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine. He looks as good as Zac Efron. And I don’t mean cheesy Troy Boulton from High School Musical Zac Efron. I mean Teddy from Neighbors Zac Efron.”

  I’m pulled into a daydream. His perfect skin, perfect bod, perfect smile. “Yeah, I can see a little bit of Zac Efron.”

  “Somebody call the swoon police. Jesus Christ, are you drenched where you stand?” She chuckles while I shake my head.

  “Damn, girl, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  “Well, we aren’t anythin’.” I put the pillow in our shopping cart and head toward the front of the store.

  “Honey, I’m sorry. You two would’ve been cute together.” She shrugs. “But Bobby is just the king of casual sex. He has a higher hookup percentage than his batting average.”

  “No, I don’t think he was looking for a hookup.” I pull my lips in a line.

  “Of course he was. You know Bobby. He’s only in it for the moment. I don’t think he’s ever had a girlfriend. Ask anyone we went to high school with. Want me to call them up?” Trish pulls out her phone. “Sue Taraway, Vanessa Hodge, Anna Smith. The list goes on and on....”

  “I don’t care who he hooked up with in high school. Cody told me stuff that made me think Bobby was gay. Maybe those girls were just him figurin’ things out. Who knows?”

  “Oh, I don’t think he’s gay.” She waves her hand like she’s clearing the idea out of the air. “But I’m not just talkin’ about high school. What about every Friday night at Garrison’s? The man keeps condoms in his wallet and his glove box. He’s not serious with anyone. I doubt he’s capable of really bein’ with you for more than a night or two. Well, maybe three. I think Vanessa said she had three different hookups with him. Was always runnin’ her mouth about how good he was in the back of his truck. Jesus she doesn’t ever stop talkin’. Bobby does a fine job of lettin’ his reputation get around.”

  My face heats up while I dig my nails into my hand, sorry I even brought it up. Trish is ticking me off with how shallow she thinks Bobby is. I bite my lip to keep from yelling at her.

  “I mean, if you wanna ride his disco stick, go ahead. Enjoy yourself.” She puts her hands on my shoulder while we wait in the checkout line. “But please, honey, don’t get too attached.”

  Too late for that.

  I force a breath, working to relax. Trish has my best interests at heart, and I know she wants to look out for me.

  “Tons of people sleep around in college. I don’t think he’s gonna be like that forever.” I’m not sure why I’m defending his behavior, but I’m not okay with Trish thinking less of Bobby. I need to help her see that he’s more than just a shallow player.

  “To be fair, I haven’t talked to him much since I left Suncastle.” Trish puts the items on the counter while I pull out my credit card.

  Maybe Bobby has never been in a relationship because he hasn’t found the right one yet, not because he isn’t capable or doesn’t want to.

  I could be the right one.

  I flick hair out of my face and pluck the electronic pen from the card reader, signing for the total. This is silly. I’m just fooling myself. Everything Trish has said is true. It’s no secret Bobby has had many more one-night-stands than grand slams.

  A bit of longing pulls at me. If he wanted to just hook up he wouldn’t have slept on the couch when I stayed at his place and he wouldn’t have stopped finger fucking me just because we were drunk and he was thinking about Cody.

  “But what if he is wanting somethin’ with me?” I look to Trish as we load up her car, not sure what she will say or if I will agree.

  “Then let me reiterate, that boy is f-iiii-neee. If he wants somethin’ with you then good for you girl.” She applauds, but it’s more like she’s patronizing me. “But, he is a player and you need to keep that in mind.”

  “I will…but we aren’t even anythin’.”

  “Whadda mean you aren’t anythin’?” Trish gets in the car. “You sound like you care about him an awful lot. How are y’all not an item? I am so confused.”

  “He ran the fuck away.” I sigh. “He acted super interested, didn’t seal the deal like we know is his normal course of action, and quit fuckin’ talkin’ to me.”

  Trish takes a moment to digest the information. “No shit?”

  “Why do you keep sayin’ that? Of course, ‘no shit’. This is the real shit story, girl. I wish it was different, but it’s the truth.” My heart hurts a little more with each word. “Every day I hope I’ll run into him. Campus isn’t that big, and we run in the same circles. But I haven’t seen him since that day when he was wearing nothin’ but a towel.”

  “You saw him in nothin’ but a towel?”

  “Yeah, and then he dropped it.”

  “Wait, you saw Bobby Anderson naked already, but you haven’t slammed him?” Her jaw drops. “God, woman, that’s some self control. Definitely. He is sexy as fuck, I’m assumin’ in all places?”

  “Sexy as fuck. And duh, what kind of question is that?”

  “So he ran away, then what?” Trish pops more gum in her mouth and chews until she can blow a bubble.

  “Nothin’,” I huff. “God, I wish he would talk to me.”

  Trish messes with the radio stations while we wait at a red light. “To be honest, I thought if you’d go out with anyone else from our little group, it would’ve been Mickey.”

  “Speakin’ of Mickey, he’s been nothin’ but an ass. I try to talk to him all the time and he’s always runnin’ off without any real conversation.” I am so frustrated with the way he won’t even chat when I see him in class or around campus.

  “Do you think he’s jealous of Bobby?”

  “No, somethin’s up, but he won’t tell me what.” ...not that I haven’t tried to get him to talk.

  “I haven’t talked to Mickey in a long time. But you don’t have anythin’ with Mickey?” Trish adjusts her hat.

  “No. I didn’t think I had anythin’ with Bobby either, but here we are.” I raise my hands up with a shrug.

  “Yeah, here we are.” Trish rubs her chin. “Well, why’d he run away?”

  “He says he can’t do this to Cody.”

  “Aw, how loyal,” Trish smiles and I can tell she’s trying to be supportive of me wanting to be with Bobby. “Gotta respect that guy code. Can’t date your bro’s fiancée.”

  “Somethin’ like that.” Only after my last fight with Cody, I doubt we would’ve stayed engaged. How was I supposed to know that we weren’t really happy? That in some ways I’m glad he’s not here.

  Fuck. What am I thinking? That is so wrong. I shouldn’t even think that way. I clench my nails into my palms, mad at myself for admitting this. It’s something I’ve tried not to think about. Tried not to even get close to thinking. “I’m not happy he died, but I am happy we aren’t together.”

  Trish hardcore stares at me.

  I pinch my eyes shut and dig my nails deeper into my palms. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

  She purses her lips. “Things weren’t quite there for you, huh?”

  “No,” I whisper.

  “You know, I figured as much.”

  I swallow what feels like acid burning my throat. “You did?”

  “Have you tried tellin’ that to B?”

  My insides swirl like the wrong combination of paint that you can’t quite get right no matter how hard you try. “I can’t.”

  “Maybe if he knew what really happened with you and Codester then y’all can wash away the guy code and shit. Not that I agree with all that, anyway. I mean, it’s definitely not the typical circumstance. Maybe if B knows you and Cody weren’t the happily ever after everyone thought, it’ll help him be okay
with goin’ out with you. And maybe you’re right. Maybe he does want something more than a hookup with you.”

  “No. I can’t. You’re my bestie and I didn’t even tell you about the half of it. How the fuck am I supposed to tell Bobby?” My head hurts thinking through all of this.

  “Um, you have feelings for him. B deserves to at least know that, don’t you think?” Trish stretches her neck.

  “I can’t.” I swallow. “If Bobby wanted somethin’ here we would already be doin’ it.”

  Trish gives me that half smile that says I have a lot of advice, but I’ll spare my thoughts for now, driving toward The Splat.

  “The fact that our friend group all used to be inseparable and now hardly see each other gets to me.” I press my head into the seat. “It’s so hard to think you’ll be friends with these people and then wake up one day to realize you rarely talk. Why does everythin’ have to change?”

  “I don’t know, but you’re right. After Cody died, it just hasn’t been the same.” Trish’s tone is sad, adding to that ache in my chest that never goes away. “Cody meant so much to all of us. It’s like our little group forgot how to be a group without him.”

  “He was the glue that held us all together.” Guilt wraps tendrils around me for telling Trish that I’m happy without Cody. “I hoped if I never told anyone, then maybe it wasn’t real–maybe it was all just in my head and I haven’t been coping with the accident and that’s why it all seems fucked up. Part of me has always wondered about us, even when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, even when we moved in together. I love him more than heaven and earth and everything in between, but I don’t know if we were really meant to be together. Because one night with Bobby was filled with so much more than I ever knew was possible.”

  “Oh, fuck.” Trish stares at me.

  “What?”

  “You’re completely in love.” Her words ring true, like even my heart knows it. “Okay, you have to tell B about Cody, or I’m gonna do it for you. Stop feelin’ bad for how you feel, girl. It’s okay that Cody wasn’t your forever.”

  “Cody was always givin’ me whiplash. We’d make out and go crazy and then he’d just stop and pull out all the we have to stay pure shit. I never knew what was goin’ on between us.”

 

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