“Is that what you have? A perfect romance?” She rolls her eyes.
“Yes, actually, I do believe so.” Most of the time. All the time, when I can shake this sense of worry.
“Alright then.” She takes a deep breath and fiddles with her blond curls. She got Dad’s hair, and I got Mom’s.
I was blessed to favor Mom and actually look like I belong to the family until I started dying mine bright red.
“I’m not gonna fight you on what makes you happy.” She takes my arm in her hand. “But be careful, Lex.”
“I don’t remember any of this hesitation when I went out with Cody.”
“Yeah, because I knew Cody was genuine with you.”
“One day you’ll know Bobby is, too.” I put another coat under my arm. “He’s a good person. All I want is for you to give him a chance.” We head to another section of the store.
“Isn’t that what I’m doin’?” She takes a hoodie off the display rack and hands it to me. “Get this one for Bobby. Blue is definitely his color.”
I smile, because she’s right. This perfect navy and bright blue striped zip up is what he would wear. We leave the men’s section, heading toward the boy’s section for Cody’s brother, Toby.
“You ready to see Cody’s family tomorrow.” Charlene pulls a coat off the clothing rack and then puts it back, realizing it’s the wrong size.
“I haven’t talked to them since last year. Holidays can be the worst time.” I find a better coat, pulling up the note on my phone to double check the size. Toby should be in a bigger size by now, I woulda thought. Nope, my phone lights up the right size. He isn’t growing enough if it’s the same size he needed last year.
“Yes, holidays can really suck.” The sadness in her voice makes my heart hurt. Our losses have been different, but losses nonetheless.
“Do you ever talk to Jethro?” I’ve been wanting to ask, and now feels like the best time.
“Not much.” She sighs.
“And you’re better off without him.”
“Always will be.”
After we finish shopping, we get home and find Paisley sleeping on the sofa, her head in Mom’s lap. It’s adorable to see her all cozy, but it also stings because Mom didn’t cuddle with us much. It’s sad that so many people make better grandparents than parents.
Charlene carries Paisley and her special blankey upstairs to one of the many guest suites.
“Is Bobby back yet?” I ask.
“Haven’t seen him.” Mom clicks off the TV.
I wonder if we’re gonna hang out and spend some time together for once, but she stands up and goes down the long hallway toward her room–without so much as a goodnight–just like so many other times when I needed her to be there for me.
I swallow hard because bringing Bobby home matters to me, and she’s acting like it couldn’t be less important. I don’t know what she thinks about him.
I go upstairs and lie on my childhood bed with the big bedframe custom made to look like a castle for mom’s little princess. Some princess… you never talk to me.
I pull out my phone and tell Bobby I’m here. But I don’t send the text, since he’s standing at the doorway.
“Hey, beautiful.” He smiles.
“How’s your old man? Did y’all have fun?”
“He’s okay.” He takes off his shoes and locks my bedroom door. “Yeah, it was real good, actually.”
“I’m sure it’s been a hard few months. People don’t know how hard divorce really is, but I remember with Charlene, it was really painful.”
He lays on the bed beside me. “I don’t want to ever be that close to someone to tear them to shreds. Like what’s the point? I’d rather be single than do that to someone.” He whispers. But then she shakes his head. “I didn't mean it like that. Not about us. No. Sorry. Jeez.” He gets up on his elbows and looks at me. “I’m takin’ it real hard, the shit with my parents. Guess I’m sayin’ stupid shit now.”
“I know, love. It’s okay.” I kiss his lips, because I’m not mad that he said that. It’s terrifying to really be that close to someone. As much as I love being with him, I know we aren’t there yet. “I’ll be here, when you’re ready to love me that way. I really doubt we’d end up like your parents or my sister. I mean, I don’t know the future. But I have this feelin’ we’re gonna be alright.” I watch his eyes when I say those words. They are so sincere that I feel amazingly close to him. His lips melt into mine, diving into all the love that I’ve ever known. He cups my chest in his hand and touches me with so much wonder.
Every time we are together, he does this. I’m enchanted in a way I cannot explain.
30
BOBBY
ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO
I think about it sometimes. The way he left me. I never really got a straight reason why. He wanted to have sex with me. Then he told me we had to stop. It broke me in half. But I went with it.
I guess I don’t feel good about it because I’m the one being left behind. He’s spending time with her when he was spending time with me. We hang out, but it’s different.
I never should’ve let him touch me. I don’t like it, but I kinda regret ever having sex with him.
The thick feeling in my throat reminds me that I don’t actually believe that. I loved every moment we had together. The intimate ones and the non-intimate ones.
I don’t know why I didn’t get more information from him. But I didn’t and I can’t now. It’s been too long. All of this runs circles in my brain like I’m a hamster on a wheel.
It’s pouring rain. The door of my apartment bangs repeatedly. I look at my phone. It’s 2 a.m. Mick probably dropped his keys somewhere and can’t get in. Again.
I move my laptop with psychology slides from my summer class onto my nightstand, then hop up. Mick’s bedroom door is open, and I can see he’s asleep in his bed. I don’t know who’s at the front door then, but they’re banging harder now.
“Bobby? Are you home? God, please be home.” Cody’s voice echoes through the cheap wood. Cody? The hell? I open to his knuckles, red from all the banging. He’s soaking wet from the rain, a white t-shirt hugging all the places I shouldn’t look at.
“I can’t do this.” He’s upset and slams the door behind him.
I search his breath for alcohol, but don’t find any. He’s not drunk. Why is he at my door at 2 a.m.?
“Hey, quiet, unless you want Mick to hear.” I latch the lock on the door. He looks fucking terrible. I lower my voice. “What’s goin’ on?”
“Bobby, I just. I can’t. I can’t anymore. I thought that I could, but I fuckin’ can’t.” He’s gotten a lot more relaxed with his language since going to college.
“What are you talking about?”
“She–” He rakes his fingers through his hair, pulling tight. “It’s not her. You know.” He points his finger at me. “You know exactly what it is, though.”
Oh, God. My stomach drops like I’m free falling. My heart hits against my chest harder than the rain outside.
His eyes devour me with need. I gulp. He slams me up to the wall, his body flush with mine, his erection pressing into me. Closer than we’ve been in years. Wrapping his hands around the back of my neck, he brings me into a kiss. I jerk back, banging my head against the painted sheetrock.
“No.” Shit, my eyes sting, holding back tears. I feel how hard he is. I want how hard he is inside of me. Fuck, I can’t let myself feel this way.
“I never should’ve let you go.” His eyes are fire, burning with that same desire as they did when we were seventeen.
“Then why did you?” All the feelings pent up inside of me come rushing out.
“I didn’t want to.”
“Then why did you?” I repeat, throat tight with so much pain. I shiver, my body fighting against the chill in the air and the waves of anxiety rolling through my body.
“Because I thought he’d hurt you.”
“Who?”
His eyes roll. “How long we
been friends?”
“Since church daycare when we were three.” There’s not a time in my life I don’t remember knowing him.
“Remember the scrapes and bruises? I told you they happened at the junkyard.” He looks ahead. “It wasn’t from the junkyard. It was my old man. He’s fuckin’ psychotic. Do you know what he calls me?” His eyebrows knit together.
“What?”
“Forget it.”
“No. You’re tellin’ me.” I inch closer.
“He calls me diseased. Told me he was worried about me. About my mental well-being. That if I liked guys somethin’ was wrong with me. A defect. A devil. Then, when he thought he figured me out, he beat the living shit out of me.” His eyes gloss over.
“Did he beat you anyway or just because of this?” My chest collapses on itself. God Cody, I coulda helped…coulda done somethin’, anythin’.
“He beat me anyway, usually when he drank a lot.”
I can’t imagine what that would’ve been like. My dad has never laid a hand on me, even when I deserved it. My throat is scratchy and dry, but I have to know more. “When did this start?”
“A long time ago.”
My body shakes. I should’ve pushed him harder to tell me this years ago.
“What about your sisters? Does he–”
“No, he doesn’t beat them. I don’t think. He’s obsessed with respectin’ women and shit. But my little brother–” his voice trails off.
“Is your brother okay?”
“I don’t know.” Cody hangs his head. “I’ve been tellin’ Mama to do somethin’. Anythin’.” Cody slams his fist into his other hand. “We were never good enough for him. Like he expects perfection that’s impossible. He’s not as hard on the girls. I’ve always hated it.” Cody scoffs. “He thinks I’m the one messed up in the head.” He lets out a laugh, but it’s sinister instead of jovial.
I feel sick. My dad got mad a few times, but I can count on one hand when he was anything other than reasonable. I know things were bad for Cody. But hearing it all out loud, I feel fucking blind and stupid for not doing more. I knew he went hungry a lot. That’s why I insisted on buying him food. But I didn’t know this.
“But when I got a girlfriend, he stopped.”
“He stopped beatin’ you when you had a girlfriend?” This feels more like a nightmare than reality.
“He’s got issues.”
“Clearly.” We sit there for a while. But I still don’t understand. “If he beat the shit out of me, I couldn’t handle–” Tears rush down his cheeks and he stifles sobs behind the hands covering his face. Fuck. “I couldn’t handle the thought of what he may do to you.”
You stopped bein’ with me cause you thought he’d hurt me if he found out. My eyes burn. My heart beats erratically against my ribs.
“So you got a girlfriend.” I’m piecing together what I don’t want to understand.
“Yeah, I got a girlfriend.”
“Wait. You never liked Lex?” Confusion turns to anger, real quick. “How could you do this to her?” I have so much fire in my chest contrasting with the cold all around me. “She doesn’t deserve any of this.” I won’t bring myself to ask the next question: does she know?
“I thought that if I could love anyone, it’d be her. And I do. But not like that. I tried. I’m sorry, Bobby. I never should’ve done any of this to her. Or–” His voice catches. “Or to you.”
The heartache I’ve endured sizzles under my skin. He’s sorry. I knew he was, that’s how I stayed friends with him. He’s my best friend. Even though he destroyed me with how he broke things off in high school, I still love him. I still care about him. I still want him to be happy. Shit, I didn’t expect an apology.
I’ve never seen him this broken, leaning against the front door like he couldn’t hold himself up if he had to.
“I put you through hell and I hate myself for it.” He sinks to the ground. “Do you think you’d ever be with me now?”
I swallow, worrying I won’t be able to force my acidic saliva down, sitting beside him on the ground.
“You have a fiancée, Cody.” Why I’m choosing now to be the voice of reason is beyond me. He just tried to kiss me. It’s what I’ve wanted for years, and I’m telling him no.
“I’ll break it off with Lex. I have to anyway. You don’t wanna know how awful this is. I wanted to love her as a woman. I just don’t. I’m fuckin’ gay, Bobby. I kept tryin’ to suppress it. Have enough faith to make God heal me from this. Make me straight. But it didn’t work. None of it worked. All this time,” he grabs a wad of his hair, the strain of years of torment evident in how hard he yanks at the strands. “All this time, I’ve just wanted you.”
Vomit jumps up my throat. This whole goddamn thing makes me sick.
“God doesn’t need to heal you from anythin’.” My eyes burn. We aren’t accepted at church, or in baseball, or our small hometown. “If there is a God, they love you as you are.”
He needs to hear this. I just hope my words sink in.
This is why it felt so good when we touched. It was what he really wanted. I’m not surprised to hear he’s gay. But jeez, what has he been doing to Lexie all this time?
“You’ve been with her for years.” I hold his eyes.
“I know that.”
“She thinks you’re gettin’ married.” I rub my eyebrows, a headache forming behind them.
“I know that.”
“Why did you fuckin’ propose to her?” Another shiver works through me.
“I don’t fuckin’ know.”
“What about your dad? Cody, I wish I would’ve known. You didn’t have to go through that alone. You never should’ve gone through it at all.” I am his best friend and it took this long to tell me? Those bruises, those scrapes. His dad did that. Never shoulda happened.
He looks ahead, frozen, like it’s too hard to talk about this.
“I’m here now, alright.” I put my arm around his shoulder.
“Do you even want me?” His eyes are raw. It does something inside of me that I’m not ready for. We are older now. This could be something. I hold him tight, hoping he can handle what I’m about to say.
“Cody, look, I can’t answer that when you’re with Lexie. You two need to figure all of that out before you even think about me.” I force a breath. He’s already hurt her enough. I won’t add to her pain. Won’t let him cheat on her with me. Hell no.
“I’ve never stopped thinkin’ about you.” Cody squints his eyes tight.
My stomach cramps. I haven’t either.
“I’m so pathetic.” He presses his hands against his eyes.
“No, you’re not. Okay? You’re not. You have a shit dad who didn’t accept you for who you are and now you’re stuck pickin’ up the pieces of all the things you tried to do ‘right’ but couldn’t. It doesn’t do anyone any good to inhibit themselves from being who they truly are, and loving who they truly love.”
He leans into my shoulder and cries so hard his whole body shakes. “I fuckin’ love you Bobby.”
“I know you do.” I hold him tighter. I’ll be your strength to get through this. “I love you, too.” I keep holding him, my heart doing backflips inside of me. After a while, his sobbing slows.
“Hey, does Lexie know where you are right now?”
“No, we got in a fight. I stormed out.” He’s embarrassed. Oh shit, how often does this happen?
“Alright, how about you go home and talk to her? She’s probably worried about you. Lemme know how it goes.” I help him up and wrap my arms around him. “I’m glad you told me. It’s gonna be okay, alright?”
“I do love her too, ya know?” He’s always been crazy protective of her. Wouldn’t let me take a look at her without giving me shit. He does love her. Just not in a romantic way.
“I hope you do. She’s fuckin’ amazing. Go take care of her. Hell, maybe you two can work somethin’ out. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.”
What he need
s most right now is hope.
“Thanks, Bobby.” He hugs me again for a long time.
I don’t let go, because I didn’t realize what was happening. All this time I felt rejected. Cody always refused to talk. I didn’t know about his dad. I knew something was up, but I didn’t know what. Dammit, I should’ve known. It makes my stomach knot. I hate that I couldn’t save him from that. It’s a new kind of pain. Because this had nothing to do with me. All those days when I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him, something very different was happening.
“You okay to get home?” I’m suddenly worried that he’s not. It’s late and he’s been dumping his soul on my cheap apartment carpet. Another story for these walls to tell.
“Yeah.”
I feel funny, like maybe I shouldn’t let him go. But I didn’t smell any alcohol on his lips. I’m tired, too. Funny thoughts go through my head when I stay up this late. So much for getting any studying done.
“You’re out of that hell hole now. And if I know anythin’ about Lexie, she will talk this out with you if you let her, alright.” I’m not awesome at relationships, but I feel like I could write a book about all I know about Lexie.
“You’re great Bobby. I needed you. Thanks for bein’ there.”
“Always, okay? Always.” I hold him for another minute, the feelings I’ve stifled still alive. “Text me when you get home.” I unlatch the door and take off my hoodie, handing it to him. “Stay warm out there, okay?”
“I love you.” He wipes another tear off his face. I pull the hood over his head. “And I love her. I need to talk to her.”
“Yes. Tell her. She deserves to know, from you, alright?”
“Alright.”
I watch him head out to his car, rain falling on my hoodie with each step.
I’m asleep when I hear the buzzing of my phone against my nightstand. Blinking awake, I see the notifications. Ten missed calls? All of them are from Lexie. Oh, shit, did he hurt himself? Did he tell her about him? About us?
I click open the voicemail. Her message is jumbled through weeping. “Bobby, get over here. Peterson Memorial Hospital. He’s–he’s already gone.”
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 25