At the time, I thought it was normal to not hook up in high school. I didn’t mind so much. I was a virgin anyway. I’d waited ‘til I was seventeen to really have a boyfriend. What was another few months until I lost my virginity? We liked to be together, and it was enough for me.
I wondered sometimes if I needed to date other people, but I liked him a lot. Loved him a lot.
He was the first person who really supported my art. I loved painting with him. Cody would sit there with his Brandon Sanderson books while I made love to the canvas instead of him.
It worked, that gentle rhythm. I thought it was enough, I really did. There was no way for me to know any different.
But now that I’ve been with Bobby, I see that I was horribly wrong. Being with Cody was like a sprinkle of rain when Bobby offers me a hurricane.
When Cody would come, that was the end of it. Never thought twice about if I needed more. And fuck, I did. Every time, I did. I think I orgasmed once with him, ever. Most pleasure was done on my own. We’d touch ourselves and Cody preferred that. But I didn’t. I craved connection, craved pleasure from his hands, from his lips, his cock.
“I’m hopin’ in the shower,” I call to Bobby.
“I’ll join ya, just a sec.” He must be fiddling with the coffee machine because I hear it beep. Warm water washes the sweat off my skin, and I remember the first time Bobby held me against this shower wall.
“Hey, baby.” He steps in beside me.
“Thanks for startin’ coffee.” I kiss him and move out of the water so he has a chance to get warm while I shampoo my hair.
“I put on some oatmeal, too.” He grabs the soap.
“Sounds great. Need a good breakfast today.” I smile.
His body glides against mine, the soap so foamy against his skin. Slippery. Wet. Warm.
“You’ve gotta stop looking at me like that, or I’m never gonna make it to class.”
“Like what?” I tease.
“You can’t do that, baby.” He squeezes me close to him, gripping my ass, hard–just like I love. “Uh, uh. I won’t have it.” He pretends to scold me.
My clit trembles.
“We don’t have the time.”
“We have all the time we need.” I’m dizzy, lips meeting his and more fireworks exploding in my chest than at the lake on the Fourth of July. His tongue wars with mine, a battle I never let him win. I slam him against the cold tile of the shower, my hands clutching his hair.
He’s all I’ve ever wanted.
There’s no shoe to drop. I’m his Cinderella and the butterfly Vans he got me for Christmas fit perfectly.
The Baseball Opener is fixing to start–the time of year I live for. The air feels different, excited, as if the trees themselves know what’s coming. I make it through all my classes and grab a quick snack before getting things ready in the training room.
The boys look perfect in their jerseys, several of them passing through to grab stuff from the training room before the game. Bobby is with them, his batting gloves tucked in the back pocket of his tight gray pants.
“You have a good day?” He lifts me up and swirls me around between two of the exam tables.
“Yeah, you?” I love that he could care less who sees him being affectionate with me. Good lord, I love it so much.
“Well this is the best part.” He plants a kiss on my forehead, so much anticipation running through him. “I gotta run.”
“See ya soon, baby.” I take a good, long look at Bobby walking down the hall with the other guys. I’m with the hottest one on the team, that’s for sure. My lady clenches thinking about how good I did him earlier, giving me an orgasm aftershock just from the thought of our sexy morning.
“You have the coolers loaded up?” Mindy walks into the training room with her kit. I swallow down my arousal, cleaning off the tables that just had baseball players on them.
“Yep, ready to go,” Jae says.
“You meetin’ us there?” Mindy asks me.
“Yep.”
Jae is driving me there, and I’ll come back with Bobby.
There’s a funny ache in my chest, because when I did work baseball, I assumed I would be working one of Cody’s games.
I swallow an unexpected wave of grief, clenching my fists and holding my breath until it passes. But it doesn’t. It’s too strong.
Mindy heads out the door.
“I’ll see you out at the car,” I call over my shoulder to Jae, and rush to the bathroom, making it to the stall before I start crying. Fuck, I was not expecting this. Using the cheap one-ply toilet paper, I dab my eyes hoping to keep the little makeup I’m wearing from smudging.
Keep going, keep moving, get through this. Forcing air into my lungs, I push back the tears. After a few minutes in front of the mirror, the only sign of tears is the redness on my cheeks.
Walking out of the bathroom, I keep my gaze down to avoid questions from wandering eyes. But I run flat into a purple and grey uniform. It’s Bobby, thank fuck.
His arms are around me and I turn my head to keep his purple jersey free of my smudging foundation.
He pushes my shoulders back and gets a good look at me. “You been cryin’, baby?”
I suck my tongue to keep more tears from falling down.
“C’mere.” He wraps me in his arms.
The tightness in my chest relaxes within his support. So much is broken about where we are and what we’re doing. But I’m embracing the broken and sitting in the ashes of the life that burned twenty-two months ago.
“I just–” I squint away more tears. “I always thought that when I worked baseball, I’d be workin’ his games.” I bite my lip, my body buckling as if I would collapse to the ground if Bobby weren’t holding me up. “But he’s not here.” Every part of me aches, the pain so palpable in every cell, every muscle. “It’s so stupid. I wouldn’t have worked his games anyways since he got drafted. It’s so stupid. I shouldn’t be fallin’ apart right now.”
“Shh,” he brushes hair out of my face. “Cody’s here.” Bobby gives a slight smile, the pain I feel written all over his face. “He’s right here.” He taps his chest with one hand and mine with the other. “He’ll be on the field out there with me tonight, alright? And he’ll be right there in the dugout with you.”
“I just wish–” I can’t go on because I’m crying again.
“I know, baby.” His voice catches. He’s right here with me, in our special, mutual hell. “I know.”
After a moment he pulls back and messes with a chain tucked under his jersey. The cross necklace he always wears.
“When we were sixteen.” His voice is thick. “Right after we both got jobs at Publix, Cody took me to the dollar store and bought it with his first paycheck.” He moves to put the necklace around me.
“No, you wear this all the time, I can’t take it from you.” I didn’t realize Cody gave it to him, and now it means so much more.
“Tonight, you need it more than I do.” He kisses the cross and tucks it under my polo. “You were the best fuckin’ thing to ever happen to him.”
“No, Bobby, it was you.” I hold him, trembling. “I didn’t mean to do this. Not on openin’ night. You don’t need to worry about me right now.”
“Stop,” he lifts my chin so I’m looking into those wonderful blue eyes. They’re a little fogged over.
Oh, fuck, I made him cry.
“I was thinkin’ about him anyway.”
“You were?”
“’Course I was.” His eyes wander to the big clock on the wall.
My limbs are stone, too heavy to lift, stuck to the ground with the weight of the past. The pre-game warmup starts soon and we have to go, but my chest tightens so much it hitches at my breath. I suck in, waiting for air to hit my lungs, pulling and pulling until it finally catches so that I can relax a bit.
I hold the cold air, thankful for a true inhalation of his scent of laundry soap and cologne. My lips come to his, kissing, tasting, escapin
g.
I take his hand in mine and kiss each knuckle, pausing between each one. “This. Is. Your. Luck. Tonight.”
His face is a big smile.
I kissed his catching hand, on purpose.
Maybe everything really will be okay. Bobby is my real life knight in shining armor. My Suncastle Knight. The thought makes me smile and I feel hope smothering my doubt. He’s done it again, healed a little bit of my anguish. Cody can’t be here, but Bobby is. I’m so glad he’s here with me.
35
BOBBY
Openers are always perfect. I feel familiarity of the field lights on my back. The last time I’ll play an opener on this field. Nostalgia washes over me, warming my heart like how the field lights are warming my skin.
We’ve run some practice drills. Stretched, warmed up, gotten ready.
Butterflies in my stomach, I’m up to bat. The first one is foul. The second one is ball.
I think I see Cody throwing to me. God, I’m in another dimension right now. Head in the game, Bobby. Head in the game.
I’ve been keeping down enough food that Mindy’s letting me play. I’m in my element. My home. The place where I belong. I only get one opener as a senior, ever.
Focus, Bobby, focus.
The ball connects with my bat with a perfect chink. I run to first before they get my Texas Leaguer, the ball landing just beyond the infielders and too far from the outfielders to catch.
I hang out here while Tate bunts, getting me to second and him to first.
While they aren’t looking, I steal third.
The crowd goes wild. There we go...back in the game.
“Jesus Christ,” Northwestern’s third baseman mutters under his breath.
I give a smile, taking my lead off while Ethan hits me home.
Back in the dugout, I get water, smiling at Lexie who is fixing the tape on Dexter’s wrist that he sprained last week in practice.
At the bottom of the inning, we head to the field.
“Make it count.” Zac throws me his cocky smile, heading to first.
“Make it count,” I echo our motto we say every game.
The rest is a blur. My heart is not here, though I’m trying. God, Cody. Why are you on my mind so much? Huh? I shake my head. I know, I know. I’ll probably always be thinkin’ about you. Especially here. I swallow thick saliva.
I catch a couple balls. Hit a couple base runs.
We win five to none.
“Good game.” We all shake hands with the other team.
“Good game,” they say back.
“Good game.” Keep shaking. All the team crosses in front of us and I see him. The guy I hooked up with a long time ago, at a hotel in San Diego when I was on a family vacation. He smiles and nods. I do the same.
“Good game.” I shake his hand, and he moves down the line. I’m always nervous if I look too long. Don’t give them anything to look at. I force a breath. He has as much to lose if he told on me as if I told on him. There’s an unspoken rule between us. No names, no relationship. If we happen to run into each other, we happen to run into each other. Nothing more. Never was gonna be.
Lexie’s cleaning up the dugout. It’s adorable how much she cares, memorizing the needs and preferences of everyone on the team. There are always students in there to help out but I’ve never seen any with this much love of the game. It’s fucking precious. I cannot wait to get her home.
“You looked great out there.” She steals a quick kiss, hefting a cooler of ice.
“I got it.” I take it from her as we walk to the parking lot. “I’m amazed you can carry this when it’s full.” I throw it in the back of Mindy’s truck.
“Ha! I can hold my own, you know that.” Lex winks, putting the first aid kit next to the cooler.
“You absolutely can.” I bring her close for a hug, my hands sneaking into her back pockets.
“Great game!” Some people shout as they pass us. I step back, seeing Cal and his mom coming over to say hi. Cal’s wearing Suncastle Knights gear. Wouldn’t be surprised if he plays here for college.
“You looked great out there, Coach.” Cal smiles wide.
“It’s gonna be you out there very soon.” I pat his shoulder.
“With a lot of thanks to you.” Cal’s mom yells to be heard over the noise.
I shake my head, happy they come to watch. “No, no, he’s the one workin’ so hard.”
My dad is in the parking lot, leaning against his truck until he spots me. He walks like a fish swimming up stream to meander through the crowd leaving the stadium. There’s a big, proud smile on his face, his purple Suncastle Knights cap on his head.
Didn’t know he was coming.
“I’ll see you next week, alright?” I nod to Cal and his mom, then push toward Dad with Lexie’s hand in mine so we don’t get lost among the people.
“Well this is a surprise.” I give Dad a huge hug.
“Wouldn’t miss it.” He holds me tight. “Can I take you for a celebratory beer?”
“Yeah, if Lex can come.” I send a smile her way, noticing how fucking cute she always looks. Damn, I got lucky.
“’Course she can.” Dad nods to Lexie.
“I gotta run by the trainin’ room, but I’ll meet you there after.” Lexie kisses my cheek.
“Yep, let’s go over to Happy Brews.” Dad offers.
I grab my keys and hand them to Lexie.
“Sounds good.” Lexie hurries back to the field to check in with Mindy and Jae.
Dad waits in the athletic building parking lot while I change out of my uniform and cleats. I put my new watch on my wrist, a small reminder that I can find moments of calm amidst the storm constantly raging in my mind. I leave my cap in my locker, taking a second to fix my hair in the mirror.
“Party at Tate’s place?” Zac puts his arm around my shoulder.
“My dad’s in town so I’m goin’ for a beer with him.”
“Next time.” Zac heads to his locker.
I hurry back to Dad’s truck.
We catch up for a bit, sitting at Happy Brews, until Lexie gets here and orders a strawberry margarita. I steal a sip before my IPA comes out with a bunch of mozzarella sticks and wings.
“They have really good wings here.” Lexie licks barbecue sauce off her fingers.
“You think everywhere has good wings.” I wink. Since we’ve been dating, everytime I ask where she wants to go, it’s always somewhere with wings, and/or cheese bread.
“That’s because wings are basically the best food ever.” She grabs another.
“You’re not wrong there.” Dad tips his beer in agreement.
A heaviness clouds over me as I look at the platter. My brain calculates the calories against what I burned at the game. Shit. I stop myself. The numbers make it worse. I look at my watch, mentally thinking the ticks of each second. Find my center. Just like the clock in Dr. Rogers office. Tick, tick, tick. Relax.
I can eat them today...probably...hopefully….
Yes.
“How’ve you been, Lexie?” Dad asks.
“Great.” She pats the napkin on her lip before talking, all proper like. Her leg is close to mine, all cozy in this booth, foot wrapping around my ankle under the table. Being with my dad seems to make her nervous. That’ll pass, because he’s a genuinely nice person. All the kindness I have is mirrored from what he and Mom taught me.
Mom…
It occurs to me that I won’t see my parents together again except if they are both at an event for me. Mom and Nira are on a cruise right now. It hurts me that they missed the game when Mom usually comes to the opener.
“It’s nice working baseball,” she goes on.
“Oh, I’m sure it is.” Dad is genuine. I love that about him. Dad’s always been supportive of me and I know he will be there for her, too.
“I still feel bad, Bobby, that you didn’t know about your mom and me. I thought she would’ve told you, and well, I was mad at the world.” He plays with t
he ranch on his appetizer plate.
“I know how that goes.” I sip my beer down, enjoying the evening. I shouldn’t have this. Thoughts are getting dark. No. I clench my toes. Baby steps…just like Crossfit Santa says. I can do this.
We finish at the restaurant and walk Dad to his car. “Good to see you.”
“Let me know if y’all come down to Willardson, and we’ll meet up. I’ll try to get here for a few more games.” He gets in his truck.
“Your dad’s really nice.” Lexie clicks her buckle.
“Yeah. I’m glad he came.” I get in my seat and kiss her soft lips. My heart races the longer we kiss. “You doin’ alright darlin’?” I brush her hair out of her face. “I know it was a rough night.”
“Yeah.” The corner of her mouth perks up. She unhooks my cross off her neck and puts it back around mine.
“I loved being there. Have always wanted to work with the baseball team. You helped a ton, in the hallway.” Her face is a little flushed like she’s embarrassed. “But I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about him.”
“Me neither.” I swallow hard. I need to tell her. The more time we spend together, the more it eats away at me. I’m torn between two horrible choices. Usually, after a win, I ride the high. But I’m not feeling any part of it.
Lexie plays with my hair, pulling me from my thoughts. “I’m not gonna see you much tomorrow. I’ve got a huge event they roped me into workin’ because Jessica’s lead is out sick.”
“We can get dinner after if there’s somewhere you wanna go?”
“Wings and Things.” She smiles. “That’d be nice.”
“I’m beginnin’ to think you love wings more than you love me.” I tease, tickling her under her ribs. Everytime I ask where she wants to go, that’s what she says.
“I do not,” she gasps, flicking my hand away. “But I think you’d taste good covered in ranch dressing.”
I let out a much needed laugh. “You think I’d taste good covered in ranch dressing, huh?”
“We will just have to try it.” She winks. “How else am I gonna know otherwise.” She giggles.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 28