A lie is on the tip of my tongue. I could pretend it just started. I could make up something good that would be less upsetting.
No. No more lies. No more secrets.
I’m in a fucking hospital, for Christ’s sake.
I don’t want to tell him. Feels better when he doesn’t know. Feels better when no one knows. Feels best when there’s nothing to know.
If there was ever a time for total honesty, it’s now. For him. For Lexie. For myself.
I can’t let this happen again.
The fact that I’m laying in a hospital bed means this has gone way too far. I need help. I hate to admit it, but I can’t ignore this anymore.
“Started when I was sixteen. It was Cody’s birthday party that Mom threw for him. You remember that?”
The look on Dad’s face makes my chest hurt. A single tear slides down his cheek. He must be so ashamed that I’m broken, that I didn't have enough faith in God to heal me from this vice. For my whole life, he taught me to be a man of faith. To be someone who was strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel everything but.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I choke out.
“No, Bobby. You have nothin’ to be sorry about, do you hear me?” He’s as serious as I’ve ever seen him. His fist presses against his nose. Like he can’t believe it. His voice staggers. “I’m just sad that for the last seven years, you’ve been carryin’ this all alone.” He clenches his jaw tight and lets out a sad breath. “All this time. On your shoulders. Alone. That’s the saddest thing.” His glossy eyes find mine. “I can’t imagine how hard this has been. You’ve been in hell, without anyone there to help.”
We sit for a while, neither of us saying a word.
“I shoulda been there for you, Son. I shoulda known.” He holds his head in his hands.
“No, hey, you didn’t know.” I close my eyes tight. “I didn’t tell anyone.”
Not even Cody.
“I know, and that kills me, Bobby.” He clears his throat. “You didn’t have to bear this alone. Not on top of everythin’ you’ve already been through.” His voice is so low and choked up that I know he means every bit of this concern. I was always a good kid. The kind you don’t worry about, much. But this worries him. I can see it.
This perfect picture I’ve tried to create shatters, pieces too disintegrated to ever repair.
I’m sick.
Broken.
And there’s no way to fix it now. No way to change that I’m in a hospital bed, explaining to Dad that this has gone on for years without him even having a clue. And he doesn’t know half of my secrets.
“Hello.” Someone enters with a wheeled machine and sets it up. “I’m Lance, your ultrasound tech. I’m here to set up your echocardiogram.”
Dad watches intently until the procedure is done, his eyes dancing on the reading because he knows what it all means.
“I’m Dr. Johnson.” A doctor comes in and evaluates me. He and Dad talk for a bit. I’m so exhausted I tune it out, not able to focus on the words.
When the doctor leaves, it’s just me and Dad. I squint my eyes against how much this hurts. Dad is a cardiac surgeon. And my heart ain’t working right, because I’ve been starving myself and puking up calories I can’t afford to lose.
“I’ve fucked everythin’ up.” I sigh, staring at the ceiling tiles.
“None of that.” Dad puts his hand on my shoulder. “This is not your fault. Don’t you get it?”
I want to, but I can’t. All I hear is my voice of self doubt saying that I’ve caused everyone so much trouble.
It’s all my fault.
Everything is my fault.
“Eating disorders are not because of somethin’ you did wrong.” He looks at me for a long time. “I’m scared to overstep right now, but I gotta ask. You wanna get some help? I’ll pay for you to go to a recovery center.”
“I’ve been goin’ to therapy. Mindy’s been doin’ a ton. Meetin’ with team doctors and everythin’. I just–” I look down at my stomach. “I let it go too far. I was doin’ better but then, I dunno, I just fell apart.” Defeat presses harder in my chest.
“Would you like to try somethin’ different?” Dad takes my hand in his. “Whatever you need.” There’s a depth in his tone that tells me there are no bounds to what he would do for me.
And then there’s a knot in my throat. “I don’t want to do this anymore, Dad.” Tears burn my eyes. “But I don’t know if I can stop.” My chest heaves as I try to catch my breath. “I don’t wanna do this.”
“I know you don’t.”
“I didn’t mean to.” It hurts so bad to cry. “I don’t think I can get better.”
“I know you can.” Dad squeezes my hand. “You can do this. You can.” His eyes aren’t holding shame or anger. How does he still love me after all this?
“Can I help take care of you? Will you go?”
I consider his words. It would mean missing the championship. Or maybe I can arrange to go after. “I’ll go.”
Dad looks relieved, and I know it’ll be worth it.
“Mom’s not gonna take this well.”
“No, she won’t.” He looks at me like he’s worried he said the wrong thing. “But you don’t need to worry about that. The focus is all on you and gettin’ whatever you need.”
Realizing he means it makes all of this somehow bearable.
“Yeah, I’ll go. I’d like to go.”
“You can get through this.” A smidgen of a smile comes to Dad’s face. “You’re not alone anymore.”
The hospital moves me to a room for a night of observation. Lexie comes back with a peach smoothie, taking the recently vacated seat by my side. Mindy, Dad and Lexie have taken turns in that spot since I’ve woken up, never giving it a chance to get cold.
“Here’s your phone.” Lexie sets it in my hand. There’s a bunch of notifications from Sam messaging me.
Sam: I couldn’t sleep so I pulled up the game. You passed out? I just saw.
Sam: Are you ok?
Sam: Fuck, Bobby, are you ok?
Sam: You’re not answering so you better not be dead.
Sam: Do. Not. Be. Dead.
I scroll through all the messages and type a response.
Me: I’m not dead.
Their reply comes up quick, like they’ve been sitting with the screen open, waiting for a message from me. It’s around 9 a.m. their time. Hope they haven’t been up all night fretting.
Sam: Mate, you terrified me. Couldn’t find any news clips with updates or anything. Just that bit they showed with the ambulance hauling you off. What happened?
Me: Heat stroke.
Sam: You better now?
Me: At the hospital...but I think I’m gonna be fine.
Sam: You best be. Can I do anything?
Me: No, but thanks.
Sam: Glad you’re ok.
A bunch of the players stop by before the night is over.
“You scared us out there,” Briar says.
“Mindy had to go and make a slip n’ slide stat.” Zac chuckles. “Tryin’ to freeze you like a fuckin’ popsicle.” There he goes, pretending he’s funny.
“I’d say I missed your stupid jokes, but I’d be lyin’,” I chuckle.
“You’re just lucky we still won. Hendricks about lost his shit when he had to go in for you.” Briar shakes his head.
“I’ll bet he did. Fuck, guys I shouldn’t have let this happen.” I keep repeating this over and over, but it doesn’t make me feel a lick better.
“We’re just glad you’re okay,” Coach Conners squeezes my shoulder and Coach Denson sets flowers on the table.
“Flowers? I’m not dead yet, Coach.” I raise my eyebrows.
Everyone laughs.
“And thank the angels for that!” Coach Denson whistles.
They stay for a little bit, reliving the game, giving me all the highlights. This definitely isn’t where any of them want to be tonight. A sterile hospital room instead of a party or a night out celebrating. I
’ve ruined their plans. One by one, most of the guys head out. Visiting hours are almost over.
“Does everyone know?” I wince at the thought. “I mean, you had to tell the paramedics I’m guessin’?”
“Some of the team probably heard.” Mindy replies. “But we won’t release anythin’ public that you’re not okay with.”
“Phones are already ringin’ off the hook. We’ve gotta be careful here, so close to the draft.” Coach Conners tells Mindy.
“You think I’ve blown it, Coach?” I sit up on my elbows, getting closer to him and Mindy.
“Blown it? No. You think you’re the first? You’re not even my first tricky case, Anderson. We will release a statement about heatstroke.” Coach Conners nods. “I’ve talked to the team, too. Unlikely anyone will leak it out.”
“Yes, leave it as heatstroke.” Mindy turns to me. “My athletic trainin’ students, who overheard some of the details, will keep this confidential. You aren’t goin’ to have to explain anythin’ to anyone you don’t want to.”
“If you’re well enough, we’d still love to have you for the championship.” Coach Conners puts his hand on my shoulder, looking at Mindy with a question in his eyes.
“Depends on how you’re doin’. But yes, if you’re feelin’ up to it, Bobby.” She nods.
“I’ll do my best.” I shake his hand goodbye.
“I know you will.” He smiles. “Take care of yourself.”
“Thanks, Coach.”
Dad and Mindy go over the recovery options with me. After some searching, we find one that looks like it’ll fit in my schedule, after the post-season. I can go there for four weeks, after the championship. It’s heavy, but I know it’s what I need.
A nurse comes in to get my vitals. Besides feeling fatigued, and this horrible guilt for putting those close to me through hell, I’m doing alright.
“I’ve got surgery in the mornin’. You gonna be okay if I come back tomorrow afternoon? Hopefully, around the time you get discharged,” Dad looks at his phone.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I bob my head.
“I’ll stay with him, tonight,” Lexie offers. “If that’s alright with you, Bobby?”
“Of course it is.” I find her eyes.
“That’d be great.” Dad smiles at Lexie before he turns to me. “You call me if you need to, alright?” Dad holds my shoulder. “I’m just a couple hours drive away. Anythin’ you need, call. Even if it’s three in the mornin’.”
“I’m okay.” I muster the best smile I can.
“See ya tomorrow. Thanks again, Mindy.” He nods to her. Lexie gives him a hug goodbye and then he heads out the door.
“I’m gonna get goin’ too, Bobby.” Mindy gathers her bag.
“Thanks, ya know, for savin’ me and all.” My throat is thick knowing she rescued me. “For everythin’.”
“I’m glad we got you help. Glad you’re doin’ alright now. I’ll check in with you in the morning.” She walks out the door.
Knuckles strum on the door. “Come in,” Lexie says.
Mick pushes the door open. A weight comes over the room as he enters and takes a seat on the chair next to Lexie.
“Didn’t think you’d come.” There’s fire in my voice. I’m sick of the shit. We used to be buddies. The best kind of roommates.
“I’m leavin’.” He’s talking more to Lexie than to me.
“Leavin’? What about the championship?” I sit up a little.
“Claudia’s pregnant.”
Shit…is that what’s been taking up all his time?
“Last month’s rent is on the counter at home.” He stands.
“Where you goin’?” Lexie asks.
“I’m not really sure yet.” Mick rubs his forehead.
“Well, congratulations,” I force out.
Lexie stands and gives him a long hug. “Will you keep in touch, at least?”
“Donno.” He heads toward the door but comes back. “I’m gonna try livin’ at Uncle Dean’s for a bit. If you’re in Willardson, lemme know.” He sounds deflated. The person we all knew is lost and gone. With a deep breath, he heads for the door again.
“Mick, wait,” I say.
He hesitates.
“Good luck.” I try to sound sincere, fighting against all the shock after finding out he’s leaving and Claudia is pregnant.
“You’ll need it as much as I do.” He shakes his head.
Lexie goes around the bed and gives him another long hug, whispering something in his ear.
“Like I said, we all have our things.” Mick sighs and shakes his head, like it’s a relief to have it out in the open.
“Dude, you can still play. There’s no reason you can’t still play with a baby on the way.” I sit up a little bit so I’m closer to him. “Think about Dexter and Conrad. They both have little ones. Their wives just bring ‘em to the games.”
“The pregnancy’s not goin’ so hot for Claudia. I wanna be there for her as much as I can.” There’s a sadness in his voice that makes me feel like hell for not being there for him. I had no idea about the baby or any of this. I guess I coulda tried harder to fix things with him.
“Oh man, I hope it gets better for her real soon.” Lexie puts her fingers to her lips. “Gotta take good care of my little niece or nephew in there. And their mama.”
“It’s twins.” Mick’s face lights up a little bit. Makes me happy for him. He’s already trying to be a good dad. “Boy and a girl.”
“Oh wow!” Lexie throws her arms around him again. “Well you have to keep me posted more than you have been. If we can do anythin’ for her, for you?” Her eyebrows raise in question.
“We got it for now. I just need to take care of her.” He heads toward the door again.
“Mick!” I get his attention.
“What?” He turns.
“Take the stereo.”
A smile comes on his lips. The first time he’s looked at me without hatred. “Nah, that’s your stereo.” He chuckles.
“You paid for half. Take it.” It’s small, but I know how he loves music and this will mean something.
He nods. “Now get over your shit and take care of my baby sister, would ya?”
“Baby sister? Um, excuse me, we are barely six months apart.” Lexie rolls her eyes.
Mick points to me. “She’s spent enough time in hospitals. You gotta stay out of them from now on.”
“I’m plannin’ on it.” I shrug. God, it feels good that he’s giving me shit like he used to.
“See ya.” He waves. And then he’s gone. Proof for the millionth time that anything can change in the blink of an eye.
It’s just the two of us. Me and her and these beeping machines. “Can I hold you?” I squint my eyes shut. “Shit, stupid question. You’re probably not ready for that. It must be these pain meds or somethin’ makin’ me act weird.”
“No.”
“No?” I search her eyes, unsure what she means.
“You’re not actin’ weird. I wanna hold you, too.” She gets off her chair and snuggles beside me in the hospital bed. Just like that, I feel a million times better.
“I had no idea about Mick.” I pull the blanket over her.
“Me neither. Guess it makes sense though. If they were tryin’ to keep stuff quiet about the babies. That’s why they were stayin’ aloof so much.” She settles her head on my chest, careful to avoid where the ball hit me.
I fall asleep with her and it’s the best sleep I’ve had in ages.
When I wake up, Lexie calls in an order for dinner. Pretty soon there’s a tray of food in front of me. I need to eat. I know I need to eat. Shit, it’s so heavy.
Lexie takes my hand in hers, “Hey, it’s alright.” She brings her forehead to mine. “I’m here.” Her thumb goes to my cheek. “You’re not gonna be alone ever again.”
“That’s what my dad said.” I swallow, hoping she’s right, hoping I won’t push people away anymore. “I didn’t mean any of this to go so
far.”
“You may have gotten heatstroke anyway. And that ball might’ve still hit you.” Lexie’s being so strong. I hate that I’ve done something that makes her have to be.
“I was way depleted, though. That’s my fault.”
“We start where we are.” Her smile gives me just enough hope to keep going.
“What about us? You don’t have to be here. Shit, you don’t even have to give me the time of day.” I move the food tray out of the way so I can be closer to her, leaning my face to hers. “I kept things from you. That is somethin’ you hate.”
“Are there any other big secrets I should know about? Like is my mom actually your aunt and we’re secretly cousins? Or you’re really adopted from Russia or somethin’? Because if there are any more secrets, now would be a good time to tell me.” Her eyes are teasing, but I know part of her means it.
I chuckle. “This is the last secret. I don’t have any left. Cody and I were together. I have had an eating disorder since I was sixteen. I’ve slept with lots of people, both men and women and my friend Sam who is non-binary. But ever since you came back to Suncastle, you’re the only person I’ve even wanted to sleep with, so I have no idea why Mick thought I would cheat on you. I’ve been cheated on, and it’s not my style.” I think of some other things that I know will keep the mood light. “My middle name is Grant. My favorite number is five. I’ve always wanted to tour Europe and settle in California or Florida or somewhere nice and hot because I’m always cold.” I let out a breath. “There. All my secrets.” I give her a big smile, watching her reaction to see if she can try to trust me.
“No more secrets.” There’s a glint of hope in her eyes.
“No more secrets.” I kiss her knuckles.
“I was so worried I lost you.” She intertwines our fingers. “We are gonna have to figure everythin’ out. But for now, I just want you to get feelin’ better.” She pulls the tray back over to me.
I rely on her strength to eat every bite.
46
BOBBY
It’s been almost a month since my hospital stay.
It doesn’t just magically get better, but I am working as hard as I can to keep from the lows. Dad brought a bunch of groceries over to my apartment. Things I can eat when we aren’t on the road with post-season.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 35