“Not even a little bit.” I focus on her eyes, those beautiful green glimmers of light. “But you’re not mad?”
“I was.” She straddles me, our bodies touching in that way that I’ve craved. “But I’m not anymore.”
“You’re not?” The words almost hurt coming out, the question filling me with longing. Maybe she’s truly forgiven me.
“How can I be mad at you?” She rests her body into mine.
This connection fills me with all I need.
“You’ve got the other half of my heart beatin’ in your chest.” Our noses dance against each other. “I told you a long time ago, we need each other.” She licks her lips, bringing them tenderly to my mouth. “I’m scared of trustin’ you. I’m scared I won’t be able to really trust anyone.” She pulls back to look into my eyes. “But this feels so right to me. Does it feel right to you?”
“So right.” I hum against her ear.
“Then I wanna try again.”
“Me too.” I squint my eyes, overcome by the moment. “I love you, Lexie.”
“Always have. Always will.” She kisses me, bringing comfort like a bowl of peach ice cream on a hot summer day. I don’t know how she does it. How she takes me as I am and lets me love her. My sins are not the kind that many could forgive, but she’s holding me and offering relief.
“I’m gonna get better. Keep workin’ on me. Be in a more healthy place for us.”
“I’ll be there to help this time.” She grips me tighter, her arms becoming my sanctuary, protecting me from the danger of myself.
“Are you scared of bein’ here with me, ya know, if I have a relapse?” It’s my raw fears given life through my words. I’ve worried what it may do to her now that she knows. “Because most people don’t just get better, I don’t think. Even with the recovery center and therapy, it’s a long road ahead. I’ll probably be fightin’ this for a long time. Maybe my whole life. But if it scares you–” My voice shuts off, not sure I can face losing her again.
“No.” She shakes her head. “I’m not afraid at all.” She brushes the hair out of my face. “I’m amazed by you.”
“Amazed?”
“Yes.” Her lips purse. “You’re so fuckin’ strong.”
“I don’t feel strong.” A million emotions take up space in my brain, and not one of them is strength.
“I know you don’t. But that’s all I see.” She brings her forehead close to mine. “And I’ll keep showin’ you until you can see it for yourself.”
As funny as I feel being at the recovery center, it helps to know I’m not alone. That everyone here has been through something similar. This is a new kind of support I haven’t felt before.
I don’t know why I was never able to tell anyone about my eating disorder. Maybe I should’ve. I felt so much shame for it. But I’m working through the shame.
I realize this is a part of my story. A part that I want to overcome. A part that I want to learn from. To grow from. I’m not there yet, but maybe one day I can be more honest about this on a larger scale. Maybe one day I can help other athletes that are challenged with this. Maybe one day there will be a purpose to my pain. Because I know the darkness. And if I’ve learned anything about darkness, one of the best things that can be done is to sit with someone else going through it. To join them in their hell and help them know that nothing lasts forever.
I hit a low. Rock bottom, as they call it. Those nights I fell asleep on the cold bathroom floor felt so helpless. But nothing is ever truly helpless.
I’m getting the help I need. I’m doing the work.
For myself.
49
LEXIE
The beach house went under contract in six days. I sold most of the furniture and rented a little storage unit for the things I want to keep and am not ready to move across the country.
One final walk through the house brings a wave of emotion. I sit in the corner of our room, holding my knees to my chest.
This isn’t goodbye, Cody. I blink back tears. I love what we had. I love you. If there’s a heaven, I hope you’re finally free. I sit here with his memories, one by one filling my mind with all that we shared. I’m not sure what I need to feel, so I breathe everything that comes. Being still feels right. Giving myself a moment is healing a little part of my heart.
Mental note...keep letting myself feel my feelings.
With a glimpse of peace, I descend the stairs.
Trish waits by the front door, taking down the final thing I left on the walls: Cody’s cross. “You want me to put this in storage?”
“No, I think Bobby will want it. I’ll ask him.” I take it from her and set it with my last box of things to go in the car.
“You have to tell me everythin’. Video call me at least every few days.” Trish wraps her arms around me. “I’m gonna miss you, girlfriend.”
“I’m gonna miss you. But I’m sure I’ll come visit for the holidays.” I have to look forward to seeing her again or I’ll fall apart with this goodbye.
She adjusts her purse strap. “You’re goin’ to get Bobby today, right? Is he doin’ better?”
“I think so. I can’t believe it’s been a month.” The time has flown by, filled with all the details and arrangements we’ve made. Bobby will be so surprised when I show him everything. The thought sends butterflies clamoring in my stomach. I’ve worked everything out for my dreams and he’s going to be a part of them, if I have anything to do with it.
“Yeah, you’ve been workin’ your pretty little ass off.” Her smile is genuine and sad at the same time. “Too bad California is so far away.”
“Just means you have to come for a Cali beach vacation.”
“Bikinis are packed and at the ready.” She smiles.
I take one more look in the front rooms. Everything is out of this house. Looking at the stairs, I remember Cody.
“Babe, you forgot this!” I throw his hoodie down the stairs. “It’s gonna be chilly!”
He stands on the third step and I rush down to kiss him. His lips on mine, his arms around me. “Love you.” He taps my nose with his.
I feel him close, he’s here, with me. Telling me it’s okay to move forward, telling me he forgives me for our fights.
I forgive you, for everythin’ too, babe. We did the best we could, and all we have is now. I imagine him saying.
Zac’s truck pulls up in the driveway.
“Gotta go.” Trish pulls me close for one more hug.
“Me too.”
“Give Bobby a hug for me.” She pulls me close one more time, and then hurries over to Zac. He kisses her and runs around to get her door.
They drive away. I lock up my front door, for the last time. This house was always mine, and now I’m moving on, doing what I need.
What Bobby and I both need.
On the drive to the recovery center, I find my mind in a very contemplative state. It’s hard, knowing Bobby kept so much from me. I’ll need a while to really heal from everything. So much of my life has been shrouded in lies.
But I believed him when he told me there won’t be any more secrets between us. With the whole story laid out in front of me, I see why he did what he did. It still hurts, and I need to work through that in a healthy way. But I feel really good about us. About where we are going. About how we can get there.
I’ll always regret that I missed this. That during the time when he was really at his lowest I was adding to his heartache instead of supporting him. But I know that’s not fair. “We all live and learn.” My therapist said. I’m here for him now, and I swear I’m never going anywhere.
My life is like a painting I have to keep working on. Each brushstroke, each lesson, adds depth and layers to what is already there. It doesn’t always work out the first time, sometimes I have to come back with a fresh perspective. Bobby and I have had to paint over a lot of hard memories, but in my mind there is so much potential here. Our relationship is worth every bit of learning and layering it ta
kes
Getting off the freeway exit, anticipation swirls in my heart. Every time I’m with him, I know he’s the one I want to be with. The one I want to share my dreams with, my life with.
My thoughts go to when he asked to hold me in his hospital bed. It made my heart soar, because I wanted that too. Holding him, being with him, talking to him, it all means the world to me.
I throw the car into park at the recovery center. The acceptance letter burns a hole in my pocket. He doesn’t know I have it. I run across the parking lot to the front doors.
I don’t want another second to pass without him.
Bobby’s standing in the lobby wearing a button up and jeans, his hair peeking out of his Suncastle baseball cap. My mouth waters. I’ve missed him so much.
My arms wrap around him and hold. He is home to me. All the problems in the world melt away when we are together.
“You look good.” I take his hands.
“I feel good.” He really does look better, so much better, healthier than he has in a long time. “Thanks for comin’ to get me.”
“Are you kiddin’ me? I wouldn’t be anywhere else today.” I hold his eyes, replaying his voice in my mind. “All checked out?”
“Yep, I’m ready.” He smiles, nodding to the staff at the front desk. I’ve come to visit every week while he’s been here. But this time, it feels so good to be leaving with him. Bringing him home. To our new home. I’m not sure he will approve of this bold move, not sure if he’s ready for it, but I hope so. If not, I’ll give him all the time he needs.
We load his stuff in my trunk, next to the box from the beach house.
“You cleanin’ out some stuff?” He eyes Cody’s cross sticking out of the box.
“I have some big news. First, this surprise.” I pull out the envelope and hand it to him.
“Laguna College of Art and Design?” He reads the return address aloud. “Lex?” His eyes go wide. “Is this what I think it is?”
“It is what you think it is.” I squeal, grinning.
“No way! But Laguna...that’s in–”
“California,” I shriek.
“Shit, that’s...you’re comin’ out to California with me?” Shock plays on his face, like he’s piecing it all together.
“There is nowhere in this universe I’d rather be.” I step closer.
“I’ve been dreadin’ what I was gonna do across the country without you. It’s been drivin’ me crazy, worryin’ about flyin’ back here to see you whenever I could. I knew it wasn’t gonna be enough.” His tone is so sincere and I can tell that he’s been worried about this.
“You were gonna fly back here to see me whenever you could?” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. We hadn’t talked about what was gonna happen next, both of us just focusing on him and his recovery whenever I came to visit. My heart swells, because fuck, he wants this relationship as much as I do.
“You’re it for me, Lexie.” His lips take mine, lingering for several seconds, exploring my mouth with his tongue. “If you’ll have me, I want to be yours. Really, truly, yours.”
“I want you.” I bring him into another kiss, longing for everything we were, everything we can be. My body responds to his, the way I’ve craved. “I love you.”
“I love you so fuckin’ much.” He picks me up and swings me around in circles in the parking lot. “How’d you pull all this off? I thought you were gonna work some teams first while you saved up. Not that you need to, I’d be happy to pay for it once I get goin’ with–”
“Major League ball,” I cut him off, a huge smile on my face. “It’s really sweet of you to offer to pay for it. Thank you.”
“I’d give you everythin’ I have to my name, especially if it meant you pursuing your dreams.” He is being sincere and it makes my heart sing.
“Well, you don’t have to. I had a nice long talk with Dad. I told him everythin’. You wouldn’t believe the conversation we had. Turns out the beach house was always mine. Anyway.” I let out a deep breath. “I sold the beach house and got all my ducks in a row. It’s time we both go and live our dreams, isn’t it? Together, if you wanna be?” I give him a serious look. I need to know if he wants to really try again. “It’s real close to where the Los Angeles Angels play.”
“Oh, baby.” He brings me in for the sweetest, most tender hug. “This is incredible.”
“We did it, love. We got through all of our own obstacles and here we are.” I kiss him, melting into his lips, feeling the closeness that fills my heart with love. “I’m so fuckin’ proud of us.”
“Are you kiddin’? I am so fuckin’ proud of you.” He shakes his head. “Art school. Lex. I’m so thrilled for you to finally get to go.”
“It feels really good.”
“It really does.” He brings his lips to my forehead and I know that he shares every bit of my happiness. We are moving forward, together.
After we get in the car, I hand him my phone. It’s pulled up to the check-in email. “One more surprise.”
“Plane tickets?” He raises his eyebrows. “Wait, this says today.”
“It’s just a little weekend getaway. Figure we both need to be there in person, then come home and wrap everythin’ up here.” I’m shaking from excitement. He doesn’t know what I have planned. I cannot wait to show him. “We have a couple hours to get to the airport.” I wink. “Let’s go back to your place. I’ll help you pack.”
The whole flight he tells me about the recovery center. I tell him about Dad, still getting used to the fact that he accepts me. That he always has. It feels so good to be with Bobby. So perfect.
After the plane lands, I arrange a car to take us to the little place I found about halfway between Los Angeles and Laguna beach.
“Where are we?” Bobby slings his backpack over his shoulder, standing in awe.
I hand him the house key. “Come check it out.”
He is hesitant, but unlocks the door. Inside are mostly empty rooms, with endless possibilities. A fresh start. A place for us.
“I put down a deposit to rent this house for the next year, and I wondered if you wanted to move in with me?” Goosebumps line my flesh and my heart beats faster. Please say yes, Bobby. Please, say yes.
“Jeez, Lex.” He wraps his arms around me. “You really did this?”
“I did.” There’s a smile on my face that fills my being. “I told my mom it was time I make it on my own in the world. Do what I need. What we need.”
He spins me around in a circle. “I’m so proud of you, baby.” He stops spinning, holding me tight to his chest. “Can I stay here with you? Please?”
“I was hopin’ you’d say that.” I rub his shoulders, then pull back. “Look, I have somethin’ to show you.”
“You’ve got one surprise after another, don’t you?”
“Yeah, well, it’s about time we get a break from shit, isn’t it?” I take his hand and bring him into my art studio. On the main wall, in a beautiful display with a light directly on it, is the painting I did of the three of us, Bobby in the middle.
“You painted this?”
I hear the emotion in his voice.
“So we can all be together.” I pull him close to me.
His arms grip me so tightly. “It’s incredible, Lex.” His lips come to mine, a tear slipping out of his eye and onto my cheek. “Just like you.”
Part of me knows we are gonna be alright. And I can’t wait to see what our future brings.
50
BOBBY
SEPTEMBER
Tangled in sheets, we collide. The sweetest love I’ve ever known. Things just keep getting better. I don’t deserve any bit of this, but I have it. God, do I have it.
“You’re it for me.” She whispers against my ear.
“No, you’re it for me.”
My kisses drive her deeper into the best pleasure we’ve ever felt. She hums as we climax together. Always together. I collapse onto her, holding tight as we breathe heavy.
We’ve made a home together, started a life together. I still miss Cody every day, but I don’t feel as trapped by the past. I’m working toward closure. Toward letting him go.
No, it’s not about letting him go. It’s learning where he fits now. And I know the answer. It’s on the other side, reminding me every day that I can do this. That I can be the person I want and need to be.
That I am enough.
And I’m finally starting to believe him.
THE END
Acknowledgments
“It takes a village” keeps going through my mind when I think about my book journey. It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes a village to publish a book. So many of my friends and family have supported me in a million small ways. Each of those ways has given life to me and this book.
A Game Like Ours started on a notebook with a pencil when I was in high school. Even then, I dreamed of the day when I would hold the finished work in my hand. As a teenager, I knew I needed to prepare myself for this book. I wanted to perfect my writing craft and one day give this story everything it deserved. Being here now, knowing that this book has become even better than my plans for it, feels amazing.
Special thanks to my Josh, who teaches me what love is. You have gone above and beyond to support me in making my dreams a reality. So many hours you cheered me on. Through so many heartaches you have been by my side. You read my first draft and my last. I love you, baby. Thank you for giving me so many cute romantic moments in real life, fueling my creative energy to write books like this.
Thanks and accolades to my editors Deanna Young and Karin Salisbury who helped shape this novel into what it is today. Thank you for your thoughts and eyes on this manuscript. For being the polish I need.
Deanna Young, thank you for being my critique partner, my listening ear, my sounding board, my soul sister. I am so very thankful for you showing up for me. For being who I need in my life. So many times you have helped calm my storm. You haven’t judged me for the absurd anxiety that has taken me hostage, instead you have held my hand.
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