by David Ives
JACK: Yes?
RUTH: You were terrific. Thanks.
JACK: Oh. You were terrific too. (Small pause.) What were we terrific for?
RUTH: I mean with Esther.
JACK (as if trying to remember): Esther, Esther …
RUTH: I couldn’t believe how nice you were being to her. I mean, actually standing in conversation with her—?
JACK: It wasn’t that hard. I was wearing earplugs.
RUTH: I mean it, Jack.
JACK: Well she started it. She sure was in a bouncy mood tonight.
RUTH: Mm.
JACK: Disgustingly bouncy. And the sheikh seemed absolutely ecstatic. As usual, I got treated to the Reader’s Digest condensed version of the Joys of Yiddish. (Accent.) “And this shmeggege was ganz meshuggeneh, so I took his mezzuzah and I hit him on the kopf.”
RUTH: I’m going to get out of these clothes.
JACK: Now you’re talking. Just let me get my binoculars. (She starts to undress. He puts his hands to his eyes like binoculars.) The aerobic hostess disrobes. (He watches for a moment.) Sandy looked good tonight.
RUTH: She did look pretty good.
JACK: Was the trip to Aruba successful? Is she with child?
(Small pause.)
RUTH: They don’t know yet.
JACK: Jean looked good.
RUTH: Jean looked very good. Did she turn you on?
JACK: A leetle, yes.
RUTH: But of course.
JACK: In that dress? Whoo! Quelle clivage!
RUTH: Did you know they’re buying a house?
JACK: Huh.
RUTH: Upstate.
JACK: Upscale upstate. Per aspera ad … upstate, (RUTH stops dressing and stands very still.) What.
RUTH: Nothing. Just got tired, all of a sudden.
JACK: Elizabeth looked good.
RUTH: Elizabeth? Elizabeth looked awful.
JACK: You’re right. She did look pretty awful.
RUTH: All pasty-faced and wrinkled.
JACK: Well that’s what comes of having the sex life of a doorknob.
RUTH: That’s what comes of living by yourself for ten years.
JACK: Same thing.
RUTH: Isn’t there anything but sex for you?
JACK: Yes, there are also anchovies. And dancing. Outside of those things lies the void.
RUTH: There was little enough dancing, tonight. For what was supposed to be a good party. How come nobody was out on the floor but us?
JACK: Mm. Especially with Joan Armatrading singing her heart out. (Sings.)
What we’ve got is the best
What we’ve got is the best
What we’ve got—
RUTH: The past.
JACK: Huh?
RUTH: That line is, “What we’ve got is the past.”
JACK: Best.
RUTH: Past.
JACK: Best.
RUTH: Past.
JACK: Oh good, let’s have a fight. Liven things up a little.
RUTH: Do you realize that we’ve never had a fight? I mean a real knock-down-drag-out brawl?
JACK: I leave those to your married friends.
RUTH: We never shout, or throw things.… What the hell’s wrong with us?
JACK: We’re not made to fight, we’re made to love. We are made … to love.
RUTH: Excuse me, Cupid. You don’t believe in love. Remember?
JACK: What? I don’t?
RUTH AND JACK: Uh-oh!
JACK: You are so Schlegel. I can’t say anything without you catching me right out.
RUTH: Have you ever thought that you should be going out with Elizabeth?
JACK: Me? What? Go out with Elizabeth?
RUTH: Yeah. Or somebody like Elizabeth?
JACK: You just finished telling me she’s all pasty-faced and wrinkled. What the hell are you fobbing her off on me for?
RUTH: Just a thought.
JACK: Gadzooks! (He starts to change back into his robe.)
RUTH: Well she’s goyish, and you’re goyish, so …
JACK: So you thought we could buy a white clapboard house in Connecticut and goy together. Is that the idea?
RUTH: Just a thought.
JACK: Is that your two-dimensional stereotypical vision? And I’m going out with you. Remember?
RUTH: Oh yeah. Duhh.
JACK: Duhh.
(The phone rings. The lights change, and they are still.)
RUTH: Where does this fragility come from? Like people are made out of glass now … Are we really looser and more flexible than our great-great-grandparents, or more brittle? Or more cowardly. My grandparents were married for seventy-three years! Is that just a thing of the past now, like buggy whips and the minuet? Where are the fifty-year attachments of yesteryear? The silver-haired couples taking their third honeymoon in the Poconos? Is all that gone now?
(The phone rings and they are in motion again.)
JACK: Hey what was all that crap about temple tonight? What was all that between you and Esther?
RUTH: She wants me to come to her temple for Rosh Hashanah.
JACK: Why?
RUTH: What do you mean, why.
JACK: You’re not going to go, are you?
RUTH: Uh-huh.
JACK: To Rosh Hashanah services?
RUTH: Of course I’m going to go.
JACK: But what for? When was the last time you went to Rosh Hashanah services?
RUTH: I happen to go to Rosh Hashanah services every year.
JACK: Oh.
RUTH: It’s not a felony, you know. It’s Rosh Hashanah services.
JACK: But you don’t believe all that stuff.
RUTH: It doesn’t have anything to do with believing.
JACK: So what does it have to do with?
RUTH: It doesn’t have anything to do with believing.
JACK: So what does it have to do with?
RUTH: It doesn’t have anything to do with believing.
JACK: Superstition and slavery, in equal parts. This month Rosh Hashanah services, next month the ritual baths to purify your uncleanness. Then, what, you’ll shave your head and start saying all those prayers thanking God you’re not a woman?
RUTH: You don’t know what you’re talking about, buddy.
JACK: Okay. I don’t know what I’m talking about.
RUTH: And you’re more than welcome to come along too.
JACK: Oh sure. I can see that.
RUTH: I am a Jew, you know.
JACK: A Jew? No. Maybe Jew … ish, but not a Jew. You’re Pinky.
(The phone rings. They pay no attention.)
RUTH: Did anybody call tonight?
JACK: No. Not that I know of. Not that I heard. Why.
RUTH: Nothing.
JACK: Do you think you won the lottery?
RUTH: Do you know that he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday?
JACK: Who?
RUTH: When he called?— My father.
JACK: Oh. (Small pause.) Well maybe we didn’t hear the phone with all the racket.
RUTH: I know it’s stupid.
JACK: It’s not stupid.
RUTH: Stupid stuff… You know what I should’ve said to him? Forget it. It’s not important.
JACK: The French have a term for that, you know.
RUTH: Do you know that he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday? (JACK comes up behind her and kisses the back of her neck.)
JACK: Happy birthday, babe. I’ll make up the difference. (Kisses her neck again. She turns and looks at him hard.) What. What’s this look.
RUTH: Nothing.
JACK: Forgot what I looked like again, huh. (They are still. Then in motion again.) Hey, who’s this guy Josh who was here tonight?
RUTH: Josh?
JACK: Yeah. Josh.
RUTH: He’s an old friend.
JACK: You seemed very surprised to see him, for an old friend.
RUTH: I didn’t expect him to be here.
JACK: But you don’t have any fat friends.
None that you’ve confessed to, anyway.
RUTH: He’s a doctor.
JACK: Is that a non sequitur? Or an explanation for him being fat? (She says nothing.) Is this that platonic guy you were going out with, or … ?
RUTH: No, it’s not him.
JACK: Well whoever he is, he certainly seemed interested in my living arrangements. Kept asking me if I lived here. I wondered if he wanted to take out an option on the lease or something. (She says nothing.) So?
RUTH: So what.
JACK: So who is this mystery guest?
RUTH: Esther and I met him at her cousin’s anniversary thing.
JACK: What, a couple of months ago? That’s not exactly what I’d call an old friend.
RUTH: I think she knew him from before, somehow.
JACK: Uh-huh. And—let me guess. You met him at Esther’s cousin’s anniversary thing, and he asked you out. (RUTH says nothing.) Did he ask you out?
RUTH: He did, actually.
JACK: So what did you do?
RUTH: I said I was going out with somebody else.
JACK: And?
RUTH: And what?
JACK: You tell him you’re going out with somebody else so he shows up at your birthday party?
RUTH: He’s been calling me up every now and again.
JACK: Oh.
RUTH: Look. I didn’t expect him to be here tonight. Esther brought him.
JACK: What for?
RUTH: I don’t know.
JACK: Did you ever go out with him?
RUTH: No!
JACK: Just asking. Just asking.
RUTH: There’s no need to be jealous or anything.
JACK: I’m not jealous.
RUTH: He’d call me up every once in a while to talk. That’s all.
JACK: Okay.
RUTH: At the office.
JACK: Okay.
RUTH: I didn’t call him.
JACK: Okay.
(They undress in silence for a moment.)
RUTH: Are you upset?
JACK: No.
RUTH: So what are you?
JACK: I’m not surprised, anyway. Everybody I’ve ever gone out with has done that.
RUTH: Done what.
JACK: Kept somebody in reserve. Kept somebody around for just-in-case-things-don’t-work-out.
RUTH (overlapping his final words): I wasn’t keeping him in reserve, Jack!
JACK: Oh come on, Ruth.
RUTH: I wasn’t!
JACK: Come on. Everybody does it. Keeps somebody around forjust-in-case-you-happen-to-break-up.
RUTH: He’s nothing. He’s nobody.
JACK: It’s fine. Really. I’m sorry I asked. I’m sorry I butted in.
RUTH: You didn’t butt in on anything.
JACK: This was just a different way of finding out about it. Usually there’s an inopportune phone call one night when you pick up instead of her, and you find out that she and some guy have been “just talking on the phone,” quote unquote, every week. It’s modern life. It’s nothing. Big deal.
RUTH: Have you been keeping somebody in reserve?
JACK: I just wish I hadn’t been so fucking nice to Esther tonight. I should’ve known that any slight advance in civility is just compensation for some sleazeball activity under the table.
RUTH: Oh Christ…
JACK: No wonder she was in such a bouncy mood tonight. She was matchmaking! Too bad your parents weren’t here. Your old man probably would’ve paid this guy cold hard cash to take you off my hands. Nice fat doctor like that, correct genetic composition and everything.
RUTH: The reason that Esther was in such a “bouncy mood” tonight is that she thinks she’s pregnant.
JACK: Oh.
RUTH: That’s why. The only reason they didn’t tell everybody is that they’re not absolutely sure.
(Pause.)
JACK: Well great. I’m sure the sheikh must be delighted. He’ll probably—
RUTH: Don’t make any cracks, Jack. Please.
JACK: What did you say to her?
RUTH: I said I was happy for her.
JACK: Are you?
RUTH: Yes.
JACK: Seems motherhood is very in.
RUTH: Motherhood is in. Marriage is in.
JACK: What century are we in? Oh for that Utopian future when marriage is dusty antique!
RUTH: When women will still be doing the dusting, no doubt.
JACK: But you know Esther isn’t going to have just one kid. Uh-uh. Any shmo can have one kid—so Esther’s going to have five, all at once. It’s a bigger return on her investment. Sleeping with the sheikh, I mean. It’s more for her to show off at Zabar’s. Joshua, Matthew, Scott, Max and Elijah. And you know what she’s going to give birth to, don’t you? If she has quintuplets? (RUTH says nothing.) You know what Esther’s going to give birth to?
RUTH (reluctantly): What.
JACK: Poly-esters. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Is this a clever child?
RUTH: It’s a clever child.
JACK: Am I a clever little boy?
RUTH: I want them sometime too, Jack. I want kids sometime.
JACK: I know that.
RUTH: And the two of us could make wonderful kids, Pinky.
JACK: We are wonderful kids.
RUTH: A whole crop of tall, thin and funny children.
JACK: What’ll you do if they end up short, fat and dull?
RUTH: It’s not like we’re twenty-five anymore, Jack.
JACK: You’re repeating yourself. (Silence.) But hey! Did I tell you my new moneymaking idea? This is going to make me richer than the sheikh. Listen to this: braille pajamas. What do you think? This is for all those nights when you wake up in terror and you don’t know where you are. You sit up in the dark and you clutch your heart and you say, “Oh my God, where am I?!” Well with my pajamas, the name of the place you’re in is pasted over the pocket in braille, so you’d go, “Oh my God, where am—” (Stops. Clutches his heart. Feels the “patch” and calms down.) “Oh. I’m in Singapore.” Or Philadelphia, or wherever you happen to be. You’re not impressed, I can tell. But think of the million-and-one other uses. Like when you wake up in the dark and you can’t remember who you’re sleeping with. “Oh my God, who is this?!” (Clutches his heart, he feels the “patch” and calms down.) Oh. It’s Ruth. Phew! Of course everybody’d have to learn braille. But think how that would promote understanding between the seeing-impaired and the sought. So what do you think?
RUTH: Jack, will you marry me? (Silence.)
JACK: I beg your pardon?
RUTH: Will you marry me, Jack? (Another silence.)
JACK: Don’t kid around.
RUTH: I’m not kidding around.
JACK: Marry you? As in—?
RUTH: As in marriage, yes. That ancient ruse to start a home—? Still popular in certain parts of the world, you know.
JACK: You don’t want to get married, Ruth.
RUTH: Let me try this again. Jack, will you marry me?
JACK: This is kinda sudden, Doc.
RUTH: Not really.
JACK: So what does this mean, that I have to tell you right now?
RUTH: I guess that’s what it does mean.
JACK: Tonight? This minute?
RUTH: It’s not like you haven’t had time. It’s not like you haven’t had time to think about this.
JACK: I wasn’t thinking about it.
RUTH: I was thinking about it.
JACK: Six months isn’t all that much time, Ruth.
RUTH: At our age it’s a lot of time.
JACK: “At our age”? What does that mean? Six months isn’t even long enough for me to find out that you go to Rosh Hashanah services every year! Just think what we could find out in the next six months.
RUTH: I don’t have six more months to wait for you.
JACK: You haven’t been waiting for me. I’ve been right here! I was at the party, remember? The guy you danced with? With the hard-on?
RUTH: Will you marry me, Jack?
JACK: Okay. Well. What about your parents, what are they—
RUTH (over his last words): Forget about my parents.
JACK: But they’d never let you—
RUTH: Forget about my parents. This is about us.
JACK: Come on, Ruth. You know what this is.
RUTH: No. What is this?
JACK: You have all your friends over, you see that most of them are married, and you want to be like all your friends. This isn’t even you talking!
RUTH: Yes it is me talking.
JACK: This is Esther talking! Don’t you see the connection to what she told you tonight? Esther has a baby so you have to have a baby. This isn’t about marriage, or motherhood. This is about keeping up with the sheikhs!
RUTH: I want a husband, Jack.
JACK: Why?
RUTH: Because I want a husband.
JACK: How traditional.
RUTH: Yes it is traditional. I’m traditional.
JACK: No you’re not, you’re—
RUTH: Yes. I am. And you should know that about me by now. I’m very traditional.
JACK: But you’re in the avant-garde of humanity! You’re part of the perfect breed of the future!
RUTH: Somehow I don’t think I am.
JACK: Tall and thin and fanny—?
RUTH: Jack, you ought to be glad I’m playing Sadie Hawkins and asking you to marry me. I help you out. I diaper you when you need it. I give you a place to hang around in that isn’t a rathole. Excuse me, a parakeet cage. I get you out into the world. I provide you with a circle of friends which you otherwise don’t have. It’s a real life, Jack. It’s adult life.
JACK: Would marriage help me keep my hair?
RUTH: Yes. And it’d give you somebody to curmudge with when you’re eighty.
JACK: Can I still be thirteen when I’m eighty?
RUTH: No. But you’ll have someone to be with. Okay, yes, maybe sex will be nasty, poor, brutish, and short.
JACK: When there is any.
RUTH: When there is any. But sex is not all there is to life.
JACK: Well… it’s partly all there is.
RUTH: Isn’t a body beside you in bed all night, sex or no sex, better than no body at all? You can’t go from girlfriend to girlfriend forever. Because after a while you’re not going to be boyfriend material anymore. You’re going to be a dog’s dinner, my son.
JACK: Thank you for that, sweetie.
RUTH: And you could have kids to live with you and visit you and not mind too much that you’re a dog’s dinner.