by Sanan Kolva
Cylin sat up, rolling her shoulders. “Lucian, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but if even half of what you said last night was true, your family is completely f--” She caught the word, recognizing the double meaning. “Has serious issues.”
He gave her a sharp, hard smile. “Completely fucked up? Up, down, and sideways. I won’t ask what parts I brought up. I prefer not to know which delights of my past I relived.”
Cylin opened her mouth, then closed it again.
“I’ve told Devin to leave me alone when these happen. I could hurt someone. I have hurt people, in the past. Did I harm you at all? Anything?”
She shook her head quickly. “No, I’m not hurt. Shaken up, but not hurt. Devin warned me.”
He stood, but didn’t approach her. “And you came in spite of that. I hope your aversion to rules and authority isn’t so severe that it overpowers your survival instincts.”
She met his eyes. Sane eyes, now, unlike the previous night. “You asked me what I believed and said that only I can choose what I’ll stand up for. I decided that I needed to come here and find out for myself whether I could or could not help you. And I decided that I wasn’t going to leave you up here alone when you were screaming loud enough to be heard in the village.”
Lucian was silent for a long moment. Finally he asked, “Did you help?”
“I… don’t know,” she admitted. “I think I might have, a little. Something I said calmed you, and you were willing to lie down and go to sleep.” The more she thought about his ravings during the night, the more amazed she was that Lucian had been willing to sleep with her present, rock barrier or not.
He ran a hand through his black hair and sat on the bed. “I need rest and time alone. You undoubtedly need sleep. Would you tell Devin that I want no visitors today?”
“Are you sure?” Cylin asked. “Shouldn’t someone stay here?”
“I want to be alone. No one would appreciate my company today. I’ll sleep most of the day anyway. Go. Please.”
She hesitated, then pushed to her feet. “If you’re sure. I hope your rest is peaceful, Lucian.”
“So do I.” Those quiet words followed her out of the room. Then, quieter still, “Cylin... thank you.”
She picked her way back to the cave entrance. Pushing aside the hide, Cylin shivered as brisk early morning air rushed over her. She hadn’t noticed the warmth or stuffiness of the cave until fresh air hit her. Rubbing her hands on her arms to warm them, she looked down from the vantage of the top of the path.
Forest Town slept. The sun barely colored the sky, not yet peering over the horizon. At the base of the path, Cylin saw a figure sitting hunched against a rock, wrapped in a blanket. When her feet sent stones clattering down the path, Devin raised his head and turned to her.
He didn’t say anything until she had reached the bottom, where he waited, but then the words rushed out in a torrent. “Cylin, are you all right? Is Lord Lucian all right? I stayed here--I thought you might come out during the night and I didn’t want you to be alone if you did.”
She rested a hand on his shoulder. “Lucian knows where he is and who I am now, and he’s resting. He said he doesn’t want any visitors today.”
Devin nodded. “That’s normal. Episodes exhaust him. Sometimes he’ll let Doctor Kinnel come in if he hurt himself, but most of the time he wants to be alone. How are you? Are you all right?”
“Shaken up,” she admitted. She saw the worry and fear in Devin’s eyes. He’s seen these before. He knows what they’re like. He knows the things Lucian says. “He was talking about… games that his mother played.”
Devin cringed. “I hate those. They’re some of the worst episodes. Did he... think that you were anyone?”
“At first he accused me of being his sister,” Cylin said.
Devin shuddered, and she knew she didn’t have to explain any more on that subject.
“Then he thought that I was some kind of ‘construct,’ he called it. A part of the ‘game’ under his mother’s control.”
“Did he attack you?” Devin asked.
She shook her head. “Something I said convinced him I wasn’t what he thought I was. Then I kind of stumbled on saying that Chance isn’t here. I expected that to make things worse, but it actually calmed him. A lot.”
Devin’s eyes widened. “Oh. Because he thought he was held captive by his mother, so if Chance wasn’t there, that would mean Chance was out of reach of Lucian’s mother.”
“Well, I’m glad that makes sense to you, and made sense to him,” Cylin said dryly. She sobered. “Is Lucian’s family really as messed up as all that sounded?”
“Actually, it’s way worse than that.”
For a moment, she hoped he was making a joke, but Devin was dead serious. “All right, how much worse does it get than his mother torturing him and his sister raping him?”
“The fact that Lord Lucian had a sister wasn’t his father’s idea,” Devin told her. “And... Chance has two sons by Ayliad, and they weren’t his idea either. Their family tree doesn’t always branch in the right directions. Lord Lucian’s uncle, Chance’s father, made some things worse too.” He shuddered. “I... learned a lot more than I wanted to from some of his episodes.”
“So are they… some of those elves who would rather see us all dead?” she asked.
Devin shook his head. “Not them. Well, maybe they did, but Willow and Chance’s father died before the war.”
“Are you sure?”
“Lord Lucian is sure, and he’d know.” Devin’s head drooped, and he caught himself, jerking up. “Sorry. I kept jumping at sounds in the dark, and I couldn’t rest knowing you were up there.”
“Get some sleep, Devin.” Did he stay up for Lucian’s sake, or for mine?
“You’re probably going to leave Forest Town, aren’t you?” His gaze fell to the ground. “Now you’ve proven to yourself that Lord Lucian’s crazy.”
“All leaders are crazy. It’s not a job for a sane person. But I can live with Lucian’s style of crazy, now that I actually know what it is.”
Devin frowned at her. “Why?”
“What?”
“Why is this enough for you?” He waved toward the cave. “Why did that convince you to stay?”
Why was learning what Lucian’s mother and sister had done an argument in favor of staying? Why wasn’t she fleeing for the wasteland after his episode of screaming at the walls? “Because I understand it, Devin, that’s why.” And because, understanding it, maybe I have some way to help. “Get some sleep. I’ll still be in Forest Town tomorrow. Not like I got much sleep either.”
Devin looked at her for a long moment, then shook his head. “I should be watching the cave.”
“Nope. You should be sleeping.” Cylin caught his arm before he took more than a step onto the path. “Come on. You have to have a house here somewhere, right?” She tugged him toward Forest Town.
“But—”
“Devin, is anyone going to expect to talk to Lucian today?”
“I—no, I don’t think so.”
“Then you can get some sleep and go up there later.” She pulled him after her.
Devin stopped protesting and followed her into the village. He pointed. “My house is there. I can get there without help.”
Devin wearily climbed to his home. Cylin started toward Myra’s house, but turned when she glimpsed someone walking to the well. Doctor Kinnel raised a hand in greeting to her.
“Good morning,” he greeted. “How is Lord Lucian?”
Cylin blinked, surprised by the question. “He’s… tired,” she answered finally.
“I know he had an episode last night, and I know that you entered his cave while it was in progress. Devin was frantic with worry when he told me.” The doctor’s gaze was serious. “How are you? Are you hurt in any way?”
She shook her head. “Lucian didn’t harm me. He scared me, but he didn’t hurt me. This morning, he didn’t remember any of it.” Sh
e lowered her voice. “So what are these episodes, really?”
Doctor Kinnel filled a bucket with water and gestured for Cylin to follow him to the infirmary. “I’ve sat through a few of them,” he said, unlocking the door. “Please, come in. I’ll make tea.”
Cylin closed the door after herself. “Do you know why he has them?”
“I know some of the triggers that can lead to one, but even without those, sometimes one simply happens, like last night.”
“Triggers? Like what?” she interrupted.
He filled the kettle and set it on the stove to heat. “One that quite often put him on the edge was any sort of prolonged, open debate with him regarding whether or not he actually was an elf. Primarily, I believe, because those very often fell into the other person or people questioning his sanity.”
Cylin had started to take mugs from the shelf, but stopped. “Uh... I did that. The first day I was here. Is that why Devin reacted so strongly at the time?”
“It’s undoubtedly why he didn’t let you linger to continue the argument,” Doctor Kinnel said. “But if you’re concerned that your words back then are responsible for his episode last night, don’t be. The time lapse is long enough that it’s unlikely to be a contributing factor. Another trigger is discussing sexual assault or abuse with him.”
She nodded, understanding that well enough from what he’d said.
“We’ve eliminated as many of the triggers as possible, but I think that trauma of the mind does not heal as easily as that of the body, and that separation from his support system may have reopened wounds that had appeared to have healed,” Doctor Kinnel said finally.
“His… support system?” Cylin asked. She set the mugs on the table and sat. “Do you mean people like Chance?”
“And the rest of his clan,” the doctor agreed. “Lucian was separated from some of his clan during the chaos of the wars, but not all of them. The rest, such as his wife, died to violence, sickness, or poisons, and he couldn’t save them. Each loss wounded his spirit.” He shook his head. “I’m no psychologist, Cylin. I studied to be a surgeon, before the world fell to pieces. I can’t heal Lucian’s mind; I can only try to minimize the damage.”
Cylin finally realized something. “You believe him. You believe he’s an elf.”
“I would be hard pressed not to believe him something other than human,” he answered, pouring boiling water into the mugs. “But to be honest, I never doubted him all that much.”
Cylin eyed him curiously. “I thought people who studied sciences in the old world were supposed to be skeptics about magic and myths. That’s what I heard, anyway.”
He chuckled softly. “Oh, no doubt we were supposed to be. I’m sure many of my colleagues doubted anything and everything about magic. But Lord Lucian is not the first elf I’ve seen.”
Cylin straightened. “He’s not?”
The doctor sipped tea and leaned back. “When I was a child, my parents took a research post studying a tribe of people living deep in the southern jungle. The idea was to bring them modern medicine, modern tools… offer them the trappings of civilization. But at the same time, learn about their unique culture. These people followed an ancient religion that worshiped a spirit who was lord over savage jungle beasts. I know that a number of people in Forest Town have fallen back on the old faiths, worshiping the ‘ancient spirits,’ but at that time, it was rare for any ‘civilized’ person to admit to following those ways.”
“And by ‘ancient spirits’, you mean they worship Lucian,” Cylin cut in.
“Yes, whether he likes it or not. The spirit that the jungle tribe revered was said to be fearsome, dangerous, but also benevolent to those who worshiped him. Most importantly, he was said to never harm a child. Any child, whether human, spirit, or animal. The villagers chose one child from their number to bring their offerings for the spirit. And one time, their priest allowed me to accompany the chosen child.”
“Did you see anything?” Cylin asked.
He nodded. “I saw him. Not much taller than I was—I remember that clearly. I was lanky, ten years old, and the ‘spirit’ was eye level with me. He had a wild, feral look to him.” He smiled faintly. “The fact that he was followed by three of the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever seen might have influenced that impression. I described them to Lord Lucian once, and he called them razorclaws—an apt name. The guardian spirit and his beasts all looked straight at me, then took the offerings and disappeared into the jungle. I never saw him again, but I’ve never forgotten that moment.” Doctor Kinnel set down his mug and rested his elbows on the table. “It wasn’t until much later that I finally realized that the jungle spirit I saw and the elves of legends and fairy tales bore stark similarities. So when I met Lord Lucian, I knew what he was. That jungle elf protected his people from anything that threatened them. He watched over them and kept them safe. Lord Lucian does the same thing. He guards us, and no matter what horrors he carries in his past, I believe he will do anything to protect the people who matter to him.”
Cylin nodded in somber agreement. “I think… I understand that feeling.”
Lucian’s episode passed with little comment from the people of Forest Town. When Cylin pressed, most people tried to pretend it never happened, as if not talking about it could erase the event altogether. They didn’t want to think that their lord was as damaged as any of them.
Lucian didn’t speak of the incident either. After several days in his cave, he resumed his wanderings of Forest Town, smiling and laughing as if nothing had happened. He did seek her out when he was roaming, though he rarely said anything beyond small pleasantries. After nearly a week, she finally stopped him at the edge of the fields.
“All right, Lucian, what is it?”
“What is what?” he asked.
Cylin folded her arms. “You’ve been coming out every day for the last six days, going around the village until you find me, but once you do, you just say hello and move on. So, what is it?”
“Ah. Not as subtle as I thought I was.”
“I’m jumpy. I notice things like that.” Cylin glowered at him. “Do you want to ask me something or not?”
“Just making sure you’re still here,” Lucian said.
A sarcastic response died on her lips. “You… oh. Why?”
“A lot of people leave after they experience one of my episodes—people who have no idea what I might be doing, only hearing the screams in the village. You actually came in, heard my ravings. You did something to calm me. But I don’t imagine it’s an experience you’d want to go through again. So…” He stopped, shaking his head. “I’m not saying this well. Wish I could just mind-speak it to you instead, but that only works with other elves. What I’m trying to say is that I would very much like you to stay in Forest Town, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you grabbed your bag and fled for the hills instead.”
“I’m still here.”
“Obviously. But that doesn’t mean you’ll still be here tomorrow, or the day after.”
“You think I would leave without saying goodbye?” Cylin asked.
Lucian raised an eyebrow. “And risk someone trying to stop you or talk you out of it? If you decided to leave, yes, I think you’d do so without warning and without saying goodbye.”
He was right. “I’d... leave a note or something. Draw a stick figure waving goodbye to a bunch of trees.”
He laughed softly at that, then grew serious. “Are you going to leave, Cylin? I won’t stop you or try to dissuade you if you are.”
She glanced over her shoulder to the fields, then met Lucian’s eyes. He looked tired, worn, and resigned. He expected her to say yes, expected that his hallucinations drove her away. “Well, I’m not going to promise that I’ll absolutely live the rest of my life here and never set foot outside the forest again, but I’m not planning to take off anytime soon. I know what I’m getting into now. I’d rather know than be guessing what dark secrets keep this place functional.”
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nbsp; He didn’t say anything at first, like he was waiting for her to laugh and say she’d lied to his face. “You’re going to stay?”
She gave him an annoyed look. “That’s what I said. Yes, I’m going to stay. So you don’t have to lurk around just to make sure I’m still here. If I’m leaving, I’ll tell you.”
“Then I will have something for you tomorrow,” Lucian said. “First thing in the morning.”
“What sort of thing?” she asked.
He shook his head. “You’ll see. I’ll be waiting for you outside Myra’s house tomorrow.”
What could he possibly have for me? Cylin frowned as he left, and thought about the mysterious promise through the rest of the day.
She woke early in the morning, before Myra and her family rose. Cylin crept through the house, stepping lightly to avoid waking anyone. Outside, the platform glistened with dew. The morning was pleasantly cool. She looked around, not seeing anyone else about yet. She turned around and jumped with a startled squeak. Lucian had somehow appeared beside her. He grinned and touched a finger to his lips for silence.
She followed him along the platforms and across a bridge to a small residence. The platform on which it stood commanded a good view of Forest Town. She could see both the path that led to the fields and the main entry road to Forest Town, depending which direction she looked.
“What’s this, Lucian?” she asked.
His eyes gleamed like a boy showing off a new treasure. “It’s yours.”
“Mine?” She looked at him in confusion.
He opened the door to the residence. “It’s yours. Your house. Your space. No other homes on this platform—it’s all yours.”
She looked inside, then hesitantly stepped over the threshold. She flipped the light switch, and illumination filled the room. The main room held a table and two chairs, a kitchen nook, and a worn but serviceable sofa. A mantle hung over the fireplace, ready to host her family gods. She opened the closed door, and found a bedroom with a dresser, closet, and a single-person bed. Another chair rested in the corner, and a small table stood beside the bed. One more door let into a small bathroom.