But, that’s not what I want. I’d never be happy as a sex friend. I need more.
Just like Damien said from day one.
I should’ve listened.
Gathering my clothes is embarrassing, but I can’t leave them here. That would be worse.
I change quickly in Damien’s room. I even fold the borrowed clothes and leave them on his bed.
Sadness overcomes me. I don’t want this to end. Damien is so important to me. This can’t be the end of our friendship. It’s just a break.
When I exit his room, Damien is standing awkwardly in the living room.
“I really am sorry.”
“I know. I just… space would be good. Until it stops hurting.”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know,” I say again. I believe it. Damien is a good guy. He would never hurt me on purpose.
“Bye, Jenna.”
“Bye, Damien.
As soon as I’m out of the apartment, the tears start again. This is worse than my breakup with Mike. With hind it sucked, but I was okay.
I guess I care about Damien more than I ever did Mike.
Damien
Matt sits across from me in the locker room. It’s our fourth four away games in a row. I’m exhausted, and not from hockey.
“So, how bad did you fuck it up?”
“Real bad,” I say, taking off my skates. “She won’t even talk to me.”
I know that Jenna asked for space, but I hoped we could at least communicate. I tried calling her a few times this week. She never answers.
I went so far as to ask Garett if he’s heard from her. I’m glad to hear he hasn’t. If she moved on from me to him that quickly, I’d be pissed.
“I can’t get the look on her face out of my head.” I continue. “She was so… sad.”
“I know the look. I see it on you right now. Which is why this is stupid. You obviously like her. Why not just give it a shot?”
“It’s a bad idea.”
“You keep saying that, but I don’t get why.”
“Because I’m not the settling down type!”
“Maybe you are.”
I roll my eyes. Matt loves telling me how great life is now that he’s engaged. It’ll be more of the same when he’d married.
“I’ll stick with being single.”
“Single and miserable. You’re lucky your game isn’t shit because of this.”
“I can compartmentalize.”
That’s only partly true. I’m mostly trying to focus on hockey to get my aggression out. I’m pissed that I can’t be the person Jenna wants me to be.
I do care about her. I hate that I hurt her. But if I can’t even handle a friendship without fucking it up, how am I supposed to handle a relationship?
“Jenna is better off without me.”
Matt laughs. “We both know that’s not true.”
“I doubt she’s wallowing right now. She’s probably out on the town or some shit.”
“Well, it’s Thursday, so probably not. This isn’t college anymore.”
I laugh. “Life was simpler then.”
“For you, maybe. Remember all that drama with Sophie? I’d take this any day.”
“Well, I guess that’s a good point. But still. I’m over it. I want things to be back to how they were.”
“If that’s really what you wanted, then you should’ve never slept with her.”
“It’s too late for that now.”
And I wouldn’t change that for the world. Sex with Jenna was fantastic. It’s the one good thing that came out of all this shit.
“Well, then, you need to move on. If you’re not going to date her and you don’t want to have sex with her, then let her go.”
I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just turn off my brain and tell it to stop wanting Jenna, but I can’t. She’s the person I care about most in this world. Don’t tell my parents or my brother. They wouldn’t be thrilled to know that.
I don’t think they’d be surprised, though. Jenna and I were inseparable for years. My parents were thrilled when I told them we reunited. They would’ve been even happier if I had told them we were dating. I’m pretty sure that’s what my mom has always wanted. She’s not supportive of my no-relationships stance.
“I don’t know, Matt. Something about this feels off. Like I made a mistake.”
“Then go after her. Tell her you want to be her boyfriend.”
Again, Matt makes it sound easy. “I don’t know if that’s what I want.”
“Well, you better figure it out. Before you start calling her again. Jenna doesn’t need you to be all wishy washy.”
“I’m not trying to be.”
“But, you are.”
Matt has a point. It’s exactly what Jenna said when we had our fight on Sunday, too. She said my actions don’t match up with my words. I told her I didn’t want to date and then we kept hanging out and having sex. I get why she was confused.
Hell, I’m confused. If I don’t want a relationship, why do I feel so lost without Jenna?
I chalk it up to loneliness. Jenna is my best friend. I used to be able to call her when I wanted to hang out and if she was free, we’d get together. I liked having a person like that.
Matt could be that person in a way. He’s busy helping plan his wedding, but we do hang out. We’re definitely closer now than we were in college. Being on the same professional team has helped.
“What are you thinking about right now?” he asks me.
“Jenna,” I admit.
He laughs. “Dude, you’re fucked.”
“I know. Let’s go.”
The drive home is going to suck. We’re about six hours from Connecticut right now, and it’s already almost eleven. I hate that we have to drive home tonight, but there’s no budget for an extra hotel night. Luckily, I’m usually able to sleep on the bus.
Matt and I are two of the last guys on the bus. Once everyone is loaded up, we can leave. The drive is as shitty as I thought it would be. I manage to sleep for a couple hours, but I wake up halfway through New York and I don’t fall back asleep.
The drive home from the arena is a blur. I know I do it because I end up at my apartment, but I don’t remember any of the details. I shouldn’t have been driving. I’m fine with it. Sleeping in my bed for a few hours makes it worth it.
I force myself to wake up at ten so I don’t waste the entire day. It’s only three hours of sleep, but it’s better than nothing.
There’s nothing for me to do today. I didn’t sign up for any work since I wasn’t sure when we’d get back from our away trip. No one wants to practice after four days on the road. Jenna isn’t talking to me and even if she were, she’s in class right now. Matt is with Sophie.
I need to make some new friends.
I end up putting on a TV show and watching an entire season. Before I know it, it’s almost seven at night and I realize I haven’t eaten since before last night’s game.
“Food?” I text Matt.
He responds five minutes later. “Already ate. Sorry, man. As Garrett or one of the other guys.”
They’re fine, but we’re not that close. It would be weird to just go to dinner with one of them, or even a bunch of them. I’d rather go out on my own. I cleared out my fridge before the away trip, so I can’t even eat here. Takeout is tempting, but that’s what I had for four days. I’m ready to go out.
I put on some street clothes and head to the barbeque place Jenna loves. I’ve only been here a couple times, but it’s really good. I get why Jenna likes coming here so much.
I order ribs, fries, and mashed sweet potatoes. I go for an apple crisp for dessert, too. This is what happens when you don’t eat for twenty-four hours. I should’ve had a snack or something before I left. Going out to dinner starving is almost as bad as going grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
With all my food on my tray, I find a seat kind of secluded from the rest of the restaurant. I’m no
t in the mood for socializing, just eating. Sometimes people around here recognize us from the team and want to chat. I normally don’t mind, but tonight isn’t the night.
The stuff with Jenna has me all kinds of stressed out. I wish she’d talk to me. How much time does she need to get over it?
I guess I should feel good that Jenna needs more than a few days to get over me. I don’t want to be easy to forget. I do miss my best friend, though. Why can’t she get over me while still talking to me?
That’s a selfish thought. If Jenna needs time and space, I need to give it to her. She’ll come back to me eventually, and we’ll get back to how things were before. I hope.
I moan quietly as I take a bite of a rib. This was a great idea. I should make a point to have barbeque regularly. Like, maybe every day.
Maybe I should learn to make barbeque. I’ve been trying to cook more often. Eating out all the time is expensive. I have that job that Matt set up for me. My trial job went well, so he called me back again last week, and I have some stuff lined up next week, too. Still, I should be saving money if I can.
This place sells barbeque sauce. Once I’m done eating, I’ll buy a bottle. That’ll be the first step towards cooking for myself.
I’m about to eat my last rib when the restaurant door opens. I look up, and in walks Jenna.
I grin. This could be my chance! Maybe we can talk things through again, more calmly this time, and she’ll stop ignoring me.
As I stand up to go talk to her, the door opens again, and that guy from the bar walks in.
Jenna turns and smiles at him. I don’t know what they’re saying to each other, but it doesn’t matter.
Damn. Jenna moved on fast.
I get that she was kind of seeing him before the stuff happened between us. However, I thought she was using this time to get over me.
Is it wrong that I’m offended?
They get in line and I take the opportunity to leave. Luckily, they don’t see me. Or, if they do, they don’t acknowledge me.
So much for my barbeque sauce. Maybe they sell it online. I obviously can’t come back here again. I might run into Jenna, and that would be terrible.
Seeing her ruined any good the food did. I was feeling hopeful that we might reunite soon, but now there’s no chance of that.
Seeing her with that guy did something entirely different.
Maybe I can handle a relationship with Jenna. Life without her isn’t a life I want to live. We could be good together, like she said.
I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone. Jenna and I, we just make sense. I want to be with her.
Matt is going to get a kick out of this. I guess I should’ve listened to him yesterday. Maybe I could’ve gotten in touch with Jenna before she went out with that guy. It would’ve saved me some hurt.
It’s unfair of me to be hurt. I realize that. Jenna is allowed to date anyone she wants. She’s not my girlfriend. I told her I didn’t want to be her boyfriend.
I changed my mind. All I want is to have her in my arms again.
How am I going to make this happen? I hope things haven’t progressed too far with this guy. If she falls for him, I won’t have a chance.
I need to show her that I’ve changed my mind and that I mean it. I’ll talk to her tomorrow morning. I can go to her apartment and make her listen to me.
I pull out my phone and text Matt.
“You were right about Jenna.”
His response is almost immediate. “I know. What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m going to apologize, and I’m going to ask her to be my girlfriend.”
“Good for you. Good luck!”
“Thanks, man. I’m going to need it.”
I smile as I walk back to my apartment. This is going to work out. It’s been less than a week since the disaster conversation. I’ll tell her I was wrong and that I want to be with her.
She has to believe me.
I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t.
Jenna
I thought this date would help, but it’s a terrible idea.
I like Toby a lot. He’s fun and we get along great. But, just like last time we were together, I’m thinking about Damien the entire time.
How long will it take for me to get over him? It’s been almost a week. I was hoping it wouldn’t hurt as much. If anything, the pain is worse because I haven’t spoken to Damien since the argument. We made up, but things aren’t the same. I told him I need space. He hasn’t been great at giving it because he keeps calling me, but at least he hasn’t shown up at my apartment or anything.
Then again, he’s been away for hockey since Monday. If he had the opportunity, he might have come by.
It’s funny, because I’m the one who wanted the relationship, so I should be the one who can’t let go. I never would’ve thought it’d be Damien.
I’m touched that he misses my friendship so much. I only wish he missed me the same way I miss him.
“Are you okay?” Toby asks me. I blink at him. We’re getting to the front of the ordering line at my favorite barbeque place. When Toby asked me to dinner, I figured this would be a safe place to come. Damien doesn’t eat here often. There’s no chance we’ll run into him.
“Yeah, sorry, just distracted.”
“No worries. My mind wanders sometimes, too.”
“Yeah, but I should be paying attention to you. I’m here with you!”
Toby laughs. “You are, and I’m so glad. I always have so much fun when we’re out together. I’m glad we’re doing this.”
“Me, too,” I say. The words feel like a lie. I do enjoy myself when I’m out with Toby, but I’d rather be anywhere but here right now. I thought I was ready for a date after everything with Damien. I thought wrong.
It shouldn’t be this hard. Damien and I weren’t even dating! I mean, yeah, I thought we were, but that’s my own fault. I should’ve talked to him before getting all excited. I still feel bad that I blamed Damien for everything. It wasn’t entirely his fault. I’m the one who read more into the situation than I should have.
I order my usual pulled pork sandwich and French fries. Toby orders ribs. My heart clenches in my chest. That’s what Damien ordered the few times we came here together.
Everything reminds me of Damien. I hate this. I want to be with him. Why does he have to be so afraid of relationships? It’s killing me.
Once we have our food, Toby and I pick a seat in the corner.
“I’ve never been to this place before,” Toby says. “But the ribs smell amazing.”
“It’s so good! You’ll love it. Best barbeque in Connecticut, I swear.”
“That’s a big endorsement.” Toby takes a bite of his meal and moans. “But fitting. Damn, this is delicious.”
“I told you!” I say, popping a fry in my mouth. “I’ve ruined you for all other barbeque. I did the same thing to my friend, Damien.”
Crap. I did not mean to say that out loud. I brought Damien here when he first came to Connecticut. He was worried, because he had been to Texas when he played in California, and they have some damn good barbeque out there. Once he tasted this smokehouse, he knew I wasn’t bullshitting him. The food here is incredible.
“How is Damien? He’s still playing hockey, right?”
“Yeah. I guess they’re doing well. I don’t really follow sports at all.”
“That’s crazy to me. Your best friend is a hockey player and you don’t follow sports. How does he feel about that?”
I laugh. “He’s not exactly thrilled. He’d prefer I pay attention to the sport he loves, but it’s not my thing. I did go to my first game last weekend, though!”
Toby gasps. “Your first game? You’d never gone to one before?”
I shake my head. “Never had the motivation. But I thought it would be nice to support my friend.”
Toby gives me a weird look. “Yeah. That was nice of you.”
We continue to eat in relative s
ilence. Our formerly strong conversation has lulled.
“Did I say something wrong?” I ask when I’m finishing up my fries. I can’t stand the quiet. I’ve always been a talker by nature. Silence unnerves me.
“No, no. Everything is fine.”
“It clearly isn’t. What’s going on? I thought we were having a good time.”
“Do you have feelings for Damien?”
The question comes out of nowhere. Toby is looking at me, waiting for an answer, but I’m not sure what to say. My having feelings for Damien is irrelevant. It’s not like anything will come from it.
“Why are you asking me that?” I finally say.
“That’s my answer.”
“No, it isn’t. Tell me why you asked.”
Toby sighs. “There was something in your eyes when you talked about Damien. And the way you said you went to the game to support your friend… it felt like there was more to it than that.”
“Wow. You’re… intuitive.”
He laughs. “I’ve been told that. It drives people crazy. I didn’t mean to be intrusive. I just don’t want to get in the way of you being with Damien if you really like him.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Tell me about it. Maybe I can offer some insight.”
I raise my brow. “Do you really want to hear about Damien and me?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Uh. Because we’re on a date?”
“It’s fine, Jenna. I don’t think we’re going to make it further than friends. Not when you’re hung up on another guy.”
“I’m really sorry…”
“Don’t be. I’m all for making new friends. Now, tell me about Damien.”
I do not deserve Toby. He would be the ideal boyfriend if it weren’t for my hang up on Damien. I’m glad he wants to be friends despite my being a total disaster. He’s too good for me.
“Are you absolutely sure about this?” I ask again.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know. I’m a guy, so maybe I can help you out. We’re all pretty much the same.”
“You’re not,” I say thoughtfully. “You’re the best.”
“Well, I’ll take that compliment.”
Arrogant Puck: A Friends to Lovers Sports Romance (Hockey Heartthrobs Book 2) Page 13