To Have and To Claim: A Dirty DILFs Bundle

by Taryn Quinn

  I frowned as I tugged on my tie. Some might still say I was the well-behaved one. Which burned my craw more than a little. But I’d never wanted to risk my future. Hadn’t our father drummed that into my head enough?

  Wrap it up, or you’ll be sharing your fortune with a gold digger.

  That message had been received loud and clear. Not as well by my twin, however. He’d ended up with Laurie from a backseat mishap, but she had turned into the best and brightest part of his life.

  Now he was married to his high school best friend and they were having a baby and were blissfully happy. As for me, I was at loose ends.

  Nothing new there lately.

  Business was booming. Our tourist hamlet of Crescent Cove was nestled just close enough to the lake to bring in visitors to the area in droves. The Airbnbs and bed-and-breakfasts in town were making money even now, despite it being the coldest part of winter in New York. Sage’s parents’ place had been equally profitable, until they’d traded it all in for early retirement and days of seeing the world through the tiny windows of a house on wheels. They’d sold it to those who saw progress much differently, and believed Crescent Cove didn’t have to remain exactly the same to be true to its historic heritage.

  Sage would not agree. I had no doubt of that.

  She was on her own in town now. Her parents gone, her best friend and roommate Ally newly married and expecting. I supposed it made sense Sage wanted some adventure in her life, but the free trip she’d won from a radio station wasn’t the answer.

  Hell, she’d probably get to travel coach for her trouble.

  Then there was Moose. That name sounded vaguely familiar. I hadn’t attended high school with Seth and Ally and Sage, though she’d been a couple years behind them and hadn’t known them then. I’d been exiled at prep school, but still, a lot of the usual suspects who’d attended the local high school were townies and hadn’t gone far. I’d have to ask Seth if he remembered—

  No, I would not. Moose Masterson and Sage’s romantic difficulties were not my issue. She was a friend of my sister-in-law’s, so of course I was concerned about her well-being, but concern had its limits.

  It stopped far short of the bedroom. And clandestine Facebook searches.

  A couple of waitresses entered the break room, chattering and laughing before suddenly falling silent. One of them was middle-aged and behaved as a grandmother might with most patrons who came into the diner. Not me, of course. She treated me as if I were as deadly as a rapidly mutating virus. The other woman was quite young.

  I shifted, encompassing them both with a smile. “Hello, Jean,” I said, swiftly turning my attention to the petite redhead at her side. “You must be new?”

  “Y-yes. My name is Stacy. Stacy Bennington.”

  “Nice to meet you.” I held out a hand, simply to be polite. “I’m Oliver Ham—”

  “She’s in college,” Jean snapped, grabbing the redhead’s arm and hustling her away from me.

  Lovely. I couldn’t even attempt to exchange friendly greetings with the women in this place without them getting all prickly.

  Almost at once, Sage’s voice invaded my brain.

  Your reputation precedes you, manwhore.

  “This room is for employees of The Rusty Spoon,” Jean said from behind me. “And only them.”

  Okay then.

  I saluted them. “Have a good day, ladies.”

  Stacy blushed, and Jean shot me eye-daggers that Sage would’ve appreciated. She might’ve even been a student at Jean’s knee herself.

  Guess I was going to take my coffee to go. Hopefully, Ally would be ready to leave. I’d had a purpose for visiting the diner this afternoon, and it wasn’t to get every female in the joint riled up.

  Why, I wasn’t even sure.

  I was a decent person. I volunteered at the soup kitchen. I babysat my niece with the minimum amount of bribery. I prided myself on getting my clients the absolute most money possible for their property. I was a fine brother, brother-in-law, son, and friend.

  I even braked for squirrels.

  Just because I enjoyed bedding beautiful women for a brief time before parting mutually satisfied, did that make me worthy of being treated like a pariah in my own hometown?

  Yes, invisible Sage affirmed. Absolutely.

  I adjusted my platinum cuff links—branded with the Hamilton crest—and walked down the hall with my dignity intact and the last of my erection firmly banished. At this rate, I might not ever get hard again.

  Who was I kidding? I had a date with Ursula on Friday night, and she was ravishing. She also didn’t have a problem with our arrangement being casual.

  She did not.

  At the mouth of the hallway, Ally was waiting, already clad in her steel-blue coat, the belt wrapped tightly around her burgeoning midsection. I’d seen enough sonogram pictures to know there was a human baby in there, but without the pictorial evidence, I might’ve believed she was about to birth a baby T-Rex. She was normally on the slight side, but my nephew had changed all of that, and given her a lovely glow to boot.

  “Finally,” Ally said, wringing her hands. “I was wondering what happened to you.”

  “I told you I’d be right back after I delivered the phone.”

  “Right back? That was fifteen minutes ago, and I’m starving.”

  “So sorry to keep you waiting.” I put a hand at the small of her back and steered her to the door. “You do realize you’re in a place where they serve food.”

  “Ugh, no way. I can’t eat anything here right now.” She touched her belly and grimaced. “You know what I could go for though?”

  I was afraid I was going to find out.

  “A greasy fast-food double cheeseburger.” Her eyes lit as she grinned up at me. “Maybe a strawberry shake to dip my fries into. Ooh, yes.”

  Smothering a sigh, I eased the door open and nudged Ally out onto the icy sidewalk. We’d had a rare break in the weather, but by the steel gray of the sky and the scent of snow in the air, it wouldn’t last long. Lake effect snow was predicted for overnight and might even be starting as soon as the evening commute.

  I’d probably still be stuck in the drive-thru checkout lane.

  “You know, I’m pretty sure handling cravings is my brother’s job. He did the crime, he does the time.”

  Ally snorted. “He’s handled plenty of my cravings. Including last week’s pickles and heavenly hash ice cream.”

  “I don’t want to know.” I was a decent person, not a saint among men.

  “Besides, it’s your fault Seth couldn’t drive me home today.”

  “Oh, really. How do you figure that?”

  “He had to get some more last-minute stuff for the baby today, and we couldn’t go Friday night like we planned because of your date.”

  “So, because I have a life and can’t always watch the rugrat, I’m the problem?”

  “You try shopping with a four-year-old and you’ll see the logic works.”

  “Oh, I have. And you decided to have another one precisely why?”

  “The joys far outweigh the trials. Oh, Oliver, seriously?” She stopped at the curb and put her hands on her hips. “In this weather?”

  “It snows half the year here. If you want to enjoy a sports car, you have to take advantage of clear days. Besides, I didn’t know I’d be called into service for you until after lunch.” I bent at the waist and made a big production of opening the passenger door of my vintage coupe. “You’ll fit if you’re careful.”

  “I’ll give you careful.” She shot me a look Jean would’ve applauded and wiggled and shimmied her way into the seat, waving off my help.

  I shrugged and shut her door, then rounded the hood. Some people just didn’t appreciate a kind gesture.

  No sooner had I pulled away from the curb did she drop her next bomb on me.

  “Not Dairy Burger,” she complained as I turned left to head toward a local establishment. “I want McD’s.”

  “Of
course you do.”

  “You try being pregnant. Cravings are a very specific thing and substitutes will not do.”

  I shuddered. “I’d rather castrate myself with a jar of Vaseline and a pair of pliers.”

  “There’s an image.” She giggled. “Ursula would be so disappointed.”

  I turned onto a side street to reverse direction. Naturally, McDonald’s had to be the opposite way. “She wants me for more than my manly attributes.”

  That earned me another snort. “Yeah, she’d be happy with the other thing in your pants too. Except that one’s square and made of leather.”

  “You have a suspicious mind, just like my father.”

  “And you don’t?”

  I did, which was exactly why it had taken me longer than my twin to start circulating much socially. What could I say? I’d always been an overachiever.

  But I was not a manwhore, despite what some might think. I was far more discriminating than many gave me credit for.

  “Being wise isn’t the same as being suspicious. For that matter, a man can enjoy dinner and drinks with a woman without engaging in pleasures of the flesh. Frankly, it disturbs me that everything becomes about sex with you women.”

  “Us women? Which women are you referring to, may I ask? And everything is not about sex with me right now. I can verify that it’s been exactly three weeks and—”

  “Enough.” I held up a hand. “If you want your strawberry shake to dunk your French fries in—disgusting, by the way—you’ll cease that line of conversation.”

  “Then what women do you mean?” I could hear her grin in her voice. “I saw Jean and Stacy go into the break room after you. Did Jean give you a hard time again?” Ally examined her manicure. “We know Stacy wouldn’t have. I bet you left her mute.”

  I didn’t respond. Somehow, I had a feeling it didn’t matter what I said in my own defense. The scarlet M had been affixed to my chest in indelible ink.

  “Or was it Sage who ruffled your feathers?” Ally continued, drumming her fingers on the door. “She was pretty PO’d because of the coffee spill and Greta. I wouldn’t take it personally.”

  “When do I ever take her scurrilous personality personally?” I signaled to turn into the McDonalds, smothering a sigh at the half dozen cars ahead of us in line.

  Didn’t anyone ever eat at home anymore?

  “She’s going on that trip this weekend. To Vegas. I’m sure you heard about it. She’s been talking about it since—”

  “Halloween,” I interjected sourly. “Yes, I’ve heard about it. The trip where she hopes to get possibly kidnapped and sold into the sex trade by unscrupulous individuals.”

  Ally gasped. “You did not just say that. A woman is entitled to go have a good time.”

  “I didn’t say she wasn’t. But it can be dangerous for a naive young woman to travel alone, especially when she’s made it quite clear she’s leaving her inhibitions at home. Not everyone is worthy of trust, and I’m just concerned she may not make the best choices if the men she meets aren’t upfront with her.” I shrugged and tapped the gas to move forward half an inch. “Not my problem.”

  “I knew it.” Ally snapped her fingers. “I could tell you were concerned.”

  “As I would be for anyone in such a situation.”

  “Right. If Seth said he was going to Vegas to find a hookup, you’d surely get your boxers in a bunch.”

  “In case you’ve forgotten, Seth is married, so I would get a good lawyer on speed dial for him.” I smirked. “But no, I wouldn’t get my ‘boxers in a bunch’ because he’s a man of the world and—”

  “Cut the crap. It’s because he’s a man. Full stop.”

  “He’s not Sage.” I hit the gas again and stomped harder than was necessary on the brake. “Double cheeseburger, you said?”

  “Why does that make a difference?”

  I tapped my fingers on the wheel and prayed for patience. “Large fries, was it? With a large shake?”

  “Oliver, seriously. Do you think she’s going to get in trouble or something?” Ally bit her lip. “I’ve never been to Vegas. Is it that bad?”

  I was tempted to regale her with statistics that would make her ponytail spin, but she was pregnant. On the verge of popping, no less. She did not need undue stress or speculation.

  “It’s a large urban city, with everything that goes along with it. But most likely, everything will be fine.”

  “She’s never even traveled out of New York.” Ally fiddled with her wedding ring. “Not even for college. She went to a SUNY school, so she could be nearby to come home to work at The Hummingbird’s Nest whenever her parents needed her. Breaks, summer vacation, stuff like that. She found out they were selling the place while she was home for a break and put her degree on hold, purportedly so she could help with the sale. But that was the end of that.”

  That fit Sage all too well. Even though I didn’t know that much about her, it was obvious she was a people pleaser.

  Just not an Oliver pleaser, since clearly, I was a threat to the happy domestication impulses of every woman in town. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day I walked into the diner to see a photo of myself with a slash through it and the words “just say no” plastered over my face.

  “She never went back?” I gave the gas a light tap and we surged forward another couple of inches. We might be able to order sometime this century. “Not even for night or online courses?”

  “No. The news her parents were selling really rocked her. She’d lost that impulse to make spaces pretty, I think, because she didn’t really feel like she had her own home anymore. Then we moved in together, and I bailed on her too.” Ally sighed. “We have a spare room at the house. More than one. I’ve debated asking her to move in.”

  “So she can be your live-in babysitter? Well, that’s handy.”

  Ally paled. “How can you say that?”

  I wasn’t sure why I’d said it. My sister-in-law wasn’t a user. Besides, I was their favorite victim for babysitter, not Sage.

  I could only imagine the fun I’d have watching two of their offspring, especially when one of them could indiscriminately spray me with pee.

  Clearing my throat, I wrapped my hands around the wheel. Just two cars left. “It sounds as if she’s been awfully convenient for a lot of people, including ones who love her.”

  Ally fell silent. My first impulse was to change the subject. Apologize. Something.

  Ah, hell, this was why I stuck to pleasant meals that were heavy on flirtation and innuendo with women of the opposite sex. Obviously, I didn’t know how to converse with them otherwise.

  “You’re right,” she said finally. “That wasn’t my intention, of course. But she’s so good with Laurie and such a natural at making a house a home…” She sighed. “We’d probably end up leaning on her without meaning to.”

  It was my turn to remain silent—minus my growling stomach. Maybe a double cheeseburger didn’t sound so bad after all.

  That was what I got for sitting in line looking at signs advertising the place for fifteen minutes. They’d actually made me long for grease.

  A moment later, I finally rolled up to the ordering box and asked for two of what Ally had requested. She gaped at me as I rolled forward in line toward the next window.

  “How did you know I wanted two fries? I’m not sure I can manage the two burgers though, but maybe…”

  “One is for me.”

  “Oh.” Her brows rose. “Wow.” She was quiet for half a second. “So, Friday night with Ursula? Got anything else planned for the weekend?”

  I made a noncommittal sound. Usually questions like that led to marathon baking sprees in my kitchen, with Laurie and me competing to see who could be covered in more flour.

  “No other plans?” she pressed as I tapped the gas and moved forward in the endless line.

  “No,” I said finally, guilt gnawing at my spine. I really did love Laurie, and we hadn’t had much time to hang out lately. �
��What do you want from me this time? Let me guess, a trip to Chuck E. Cheese’s? She mentioned that the last time I saw her. Or maybe a viewing of the latest Pixar classic at the movies. As long as it isn’t a repeat of that vile Trolls.”

  “Aww, Trolls was super cute. We’ve watched that three times so far as a family.”

  “This is why you’re the procreator and I’m just the benevolent uncle.” I made a gimme gesture with my fingers. “Now out with it. What do you want from me?”

  She bit her lip before a slew of words tumbled forth.

  For the record, I did not like any of them.

  “I wouldn’t normally ask this, because I try really hard not to meddle, and she’s old enough to do what she wants and live her own life, but I can’t help being a little anxious. With the baby coming so soon, my fledgling new mom senses are going all haywire, and we’d appreciate it if you could maybe just do this one thing for me…for us. Seth would be happy too if he knew he didn’t have to talk me off the ledge while she was there.”

  She paused long enough to fill her lungs with oxygen.

  “So, can you go with Sage to Vegas?” I wasn’t sure, but I think she batted her lashes at me. “Pretty, pretty please?”

  Three

  Sage

  I put aside all thought of Oliver’s erection. From what I’d heard from girlfriends over the years, it often didn’t take much to get them going. There was even that song “Jizz in My Pants” where the guy got excited by the breeze blowing and eating grapes and all kinds of crazy things. That hadn’t been my experience, but someone always screwed up the curve.

  Leave it to me.

  Considering Oliver actually being sexually aroused by me—me, specifically—was too far-fetched to swallow. I had good breasts, but from what I’d heard, he saw that part of the female anatomy too often to get excited by mine. Unless mine were more stupendous than I believed, and Jim’s underperforming penis could not corroborate that fact.