by Bella Street
When she felt she couldn't bear another moment apart, he rolled over and pulled her on top of him in a straddling position. Trent captured her hips in his hands, gazing at her as he took possession of her body. His touch rocked her, stealing the air from her lungs. Arms balanced on his shoulders, her breath mingling with his, she moved with him until she no longer knew where he ended and she began.
Anchored by his rhythm, a familiar dread expanded within her. She fought the escalating sensations, knowing self-reproach lay just on the other side of pleasure.
Trent hands tangled in her hair, his lips finding the hollow of her throat. The unbearable sweetness of his touch made the last of her defenses to disappear. Squeezing her eyes shut, she gave into the release, gasping at the waves of fulfillment flooding her body. For a moment, hope shimmered behind her eyes, just out of reach, but she braced herself for the inevitable regret.
When her breath returned, Trent sank back against the mattress, pulling her down with him. She held herself stiffly, listening to his heart thundering beneath the dampness of his skin, waiting for him to move away. Instead, his arms tightened around her, as if unwilling to let her go even for a moment. As her respiration became even, Seffy relaxed by increments, wishing the sham intimacy had any veracity. But wishing only put off the inescapable truth to come.
For now, Seffy burrowed her cheek into the cleft of his shoulder and closed her eyes, not wanting to think. There would be time enough for that tomorrow.
***
When Seffy woke up, it took her a moment to realize she wasn't in her own room. Or in her own bed. Twisting her head slightly, she saw Trent asleep on his stomach, his arm flung over her middle. The clock read just after six.
She closed her eyes against the burgeoning emotional turmoil, wanting nothing more than to crawl back into his embrace and never let go.
Only that wasn't an option. Her purpose had been achieved, and that was all. Anything else was just some unexpected physical alchemy.
Seffy eased out from under the heavy weight of his arm. He stirred in his sleep as she slid from the bed and reached for her clothes. When she glanced over at him, she realized he was awake. She held her clothing against her body, unable to think of a single thing to say.
“Where are you going?” he asked, his voice thick with sleep.
“Back to my room.”
He gazed at her, his gray eyes heavy lidded and sensual. “Don't go.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don't.”
She averted her gaze, her voice dropping even lower. “This can't happen again. It shouldn't have happened in the first place.” Or that second time. At some point her grand intention had evaporated into some inarticulate need to remain with Trent for just a little longer. But that had to stop.
Trent sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed, still tangled in the sheets. He reached out and touched her arm. “Stay with me.”
She wanted to remind him he'd gotten what he'd been after. Why wasn't it enough? She shook her head, knowing if she didn't leave now, she'd lose the tenuous grip on her tattered excuses.
“Why?”
Seffy couldn't bear to face the raw emotion in his eyes. She stiffened her spine, regretting the harshness of her words. “Because I don't love you.”
He studied her face, which she kept as blank as possible.
As she made a move to leave, Trent tugged her clothing away and slid his hands around her waist.
“Just one kiss.” Before she could deny the request, he captured her lips with his. Trent pulled her forward until she fell against him onto the bed, his kisses and possessive embrace making it hard for her to fight back.
As if she had any strength to resist.
Then he moved over her, putting her arms above her head, lacing their fingers together. Trent looked down at her as he claimed her body. Seffy bit her lip, trying to control the languorous sensations humming along her frayed nerve endings. This was just a physical connection, that was all. But when she closed her eyes, it made surrender all too easy.
“Look at me,” he whispered.
Unable to deny him anything at the moment, she complied as he slowly rocked her to the summit. His expression was tense as he watched her. Seffy knew he could see straight into her soul and the notion terrified her. Suddenly her body responded to him in a way her heart refused. She arched against him and cried out. Tearing her fingers from his grip, she locked her arms around his waist, pulling him closer still. Trent buried his face against her throat, his breath warm against her skin.
As her respiration slowly returned to normal, she realized she'd stayed too damn long.
***
When she finally extricated herself from Trent's arms, Seffy took a long hot shower. He'd been silent as she put her clothes back on with awkward, clumsy movements. His silence seemed to follow her all the way into her room, and now into the bathroom.
She grabbed the washcloth and scrubbed at her skin. Seffy didn't recognize the body that had betrayed her. The idea was to take a step that forever cut her off from Gareth. And yet she couldn't remove Trent's touch no matter how much soap she used.
Seffy gave up on the hot water washing away her actions. It wasn't as if she could ever get clean. Grabbing a towel and wrapping herself in it, she stepped from the shower and regarded her reflection in the mirror. A part of her rebelled at the idea that her time with Trent had been just another in a long string of mistakes. But what else could it be? How else did such intimacy leave behind a taint of mockery? Why did the scant moments of belonging fade as if she had been with a stranger?
And why did she want even more?
She put on her tracksuit, struggling to keep her twisting thoughts and self-recriminations at bay. Her heart and mind were too frazzled to make sense of the step she'd taken. And if she stayed in her room, she'd end up right back in Trent's.
Seffy went out into the hallway, still barefoot, with her hair soaking through the velour of her top. Seffy walked down to Lani's door and knocked. When the brunette opened up the door and saw her face, she let her in.
“Are you okay?”
Seffy nodded, hoping her friend didn't notice the trembling. “Can I just rest here for a little while?”
Lani's blue eyes were wide with concern and curiosity. “Of course. I was actually just leaving to sit with Addison.”
Seffy experienced a stab of guilt. Great, I've forgotten about my friend because I was in bed with the wrong guy. “Is she better?”
“Yes, but kinda freaked about the whole cutting thing. I planned on hanging with her for the day. Gareth will be there, too. And maybe the others.” She sent her a questioning look. “If you feel up to it later, come over. We're watching a movie.” Lani put up her hand. “This one will be more research-ish, since it's about running a nail salon.”
Seffy tried to sound interested as she lowered herself on the bed. “Are you and Addy still trying to start one here at the compound?”
“Yes.” Then she frowned. “But it's weird, every time we start something, it gets interrupted or we get distracted. I mean, why have goals if they just blow up in your face?”
Seffy sent her a weak smile. “Exactly.”
Lani walked over and patted her cheek. “Get some rest. I'll see you later.”
“Okay.”
When she was alone, Seffy curled up on the bed, facing the wall. It didn't take long for the tears to come. The more she thought about her actions, the more disgusted she became. She'd used Trent—knowing how he felt about her—just like she'd been used herself.
Seffy no longer cared about Gareth and his issues. What had seemed so momentous had been whittled to a sad excuse to perpetuate a vicious cycle—get hurt then strike out and hurt someone else. It was pathetic, sick, and wrong.
At some point she'd need to apologize to Trent. Of course he could've denied her, but he loved her. People did stupid things in the name of love. Seffy squeezed her eyes shut.
The only
way to silence her rabid thoughts was sleep. Please God, help me just go to sleep.
***
Trent wasn't surprised when he found Seffy's room empty. He knew she'd come to him last night in some weird emotional place. He'd promised himself not to take advantage of her, not to take what she was offering until her heart was in it.
But he hadn't been able to deny her this time.
Today he didn't know what to think. When he thought about their lovemaking, he couldn't believe she felt anything for him other than the real thing. There was her apprehension, which he understood, but then there was her surrender, and in those moments she whispered his name with a raw need that had shaken him.
Trent plowed a hand through his hair and returned to his room, wondering how he could pass the day. He figured she'd hide out for awhile, coming up with excuses, and apologies, making him feel like a jerk for yielding to what she'd offered. As if he could resist her forever.
Silly girl.
Trent yanked his sweatshirt over his head and decided to go for a very long walk. When he entered the hall, he saw Gareth turn the corner, and suppressed a groan. Schooling his expression, Trent intended to pass with minimal eye contact, but Gareth stopped him, his brows furrowed over a dark visage.
“Have you seen Seffy?”
Trent regarded him, realizing he still didn't know the true nature of his relationship with her. Well, that actually went both ways. “I don't know where she is.”
Gareth snorted. “Don't know why I bothered asking. You've never been any help.”
Trent stifled a flicker of annoyance from crossing his features. “So, how's that time travel research going? Getting out those wrinkles so we make it back to the right place next time?”
Gareth walked on, shooting a black look as he passed. Trent stood motionless for a moment, then turned and glanced over his shoulder at the retreating figure of the man who had been the object of Seffy's rebellion.
***
Seffy opened her eyes. She heard the sound of breathing behind her and stiffened. Slowly, she twisted around. Lani lay neatly asleep on the other side of the bed, under a blanket.
Seffy sat up, shoving her hair from her face. She looked at the clock and saw that it was seven. In the evening? Probably not if the others watched a movie. Could it be the next morning? Could I have slept so long?
Lani suddenly yawned and stretched. She opened her eyes and smiled. “Gosh, I was starting to worry!” She sat up and turned on the lamp.
Seffy winced at the light.
“Do you know I checked on you several times to make sure you were breathing?”
“I was out, huh?”
“Like scary out.”
Seffy rubbed her face, suddenly realizing she needed to pee. “I guess I was tired.” She crawled off the bed and headed to the bathroom. A few minutes later, after an empty bladder and washed face, she felt slightly better.
Lani was still in bed, watching her when she came out of the bathroom. “Are you going to tell me why you didn't sleep in your own room last night?”
Seffy curled up on the desk chair and released a heavy sigh. She'd always hated secrets. Most were foisted on her by others. Could she bear to keep another? Resting her chin on her knees, she glanced up at Lani. “I, uh, did that irrevocable thing we talked about earlier.”
The brunette frowned. “What, like tell Gareth off for once and for all?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Okay, I may like word pictures, but I am no good at subtext. Tell me what happened.”
Seffy closed her eyes, feeling the familiar heat of tears. “I...was with Trent the night before last.”
Lani's eyes widened to an absurd size. “As in seriously with?”
Seffy nodded, pressing her lips together.
“Oh my God.”
“Yes, I think prayer is in order at this point.”
Lani opened and closed her mouth, then blinked a few times. “Um...have you spoken to him since? Trent, I mean.”
Seffy shook her head.
“How do you think he's taking it?”
“I don't even know how I'm taking it!”
Lani's intense, birdlike expression made Seffy feel like a worm. “Are you so sure this was about getting Gareth out of your system?”
Seffy gave a choked laugh. “I honestly don't know which way is up any more.”
“Well, if you ask me, this had nothing to do with Gareth. I think your problem is that little thing Addy likes to call denial.”
Seffy stared at her friend as the truth began to push through the cracks of what she thought was a locked and bolted door. She looked down at her clasped hands. “Lani, how many times have you thought I was an idiot—I mean when you just wanted to smack me upside the head, shake me until my teeth rattled, or punched my lights out until I saw some sense?”
Her friend considered the question. “Well, as you know I'm not a proponent of violence, but I have wondered about many of your choices over the years. Which is why I was always bugging you to come down to the spa. A little aromatherapy, a little massage, could've helped clear you mind—”
“And my pores?”
Lani smiled. “Definitely.”
Seffy took a deep breath. “Do you think that things would've fallen apart if we were still in West Hollywood 2006?”
Lani nodded slowly. “Things were changing with Verity in the picture. And even before that, Gareth had started to get weird. I think you were somewhere in la-la land.”
Seffy chewed the inside of her cheek. “So I'm destined to be a train-wreck?”
“I think 'destined' is a strong word.”
Gripping her knees tighter, she regarded her friend. “Speaking of destiny, I never told you this, but when I was back in the tangent future, the other Seffy had a boyfriend.”
Blue eyes opened wider. “It wasn't Gareth, was it? You said we all knew each other there, right?”
“It wasn't Gareth.”
Lani stared at her, her fists under her chin. Suddenly, she gasped. “Trent?”
Seffy nodded.
Lani waved her hands up in down. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh—”
“But I'm not bound to destiny, right?”
“Screw destiny, Sef. Maybe it's really because you two were meant to be together!”
Seffy suppressed an ironic smile. “But what if this is nothing more than just trying to get back at Gareth?” Her fingernails made painful dents in her palms. “I admit, it started that way...”
Lani sighed in frustration. “There has always been a spark between you and Trent. You simply acted on it. And you have got to get Gareth out of the middle of this!”
“Or maybe since Gareth rejected me, I'm moving on to the next guy like a bad season of Friends. And after Trent, it will be...well, definitely not Jared...but you never know, and then there's Fenn, Eugene, and Baxter—”
“Okay, now you're being silly.”
Seffy unclenched her hands and forced her shoulders to relax. “I don't know what I'm doing here, Lani.”
The brunette gazed at her with concern. “I think you do, and you're just afraid.”
Seffy let out a harsh laugh. “Of course I'm afraid.”
“Only you know what you feel deep down. Bottom line, you either love Trent or you're using him.”
Closing her eyes, Seffy tried to get a glimpse into the murky morass of her heart.
“Let me ask you this—say something happened to Trent, something fatal. Of course you'd be upset, but would you also be a little bit relieved? Or completely devastated?”
Seffy's face flushed hot as she snapped open her eyes. “Don't talk like that.”
Lani smiled slightly. “That's what I thought.”
Heart pounding, Seffy considered the ramifications.
“Are you still sitting here? Why aren't you on your way to see him?”
She moistened her lips. “So you think—”
“Okay, I'm having a strong desire to shake you r
ight now.”
Seffy lowered her legs to the floor and stood. “I guess I can try and see where this goes.”
“That's the spirit,” Lani said tartly.
“Well, thanks for letting me hang out, and I really appreciate your friendship. I know I haven't said that enough.”
Lani got up and embraced her. “Gosh, you just made my day!”
Seffy patted her back. “Uh, by the way, I haven't seen Malone around lately. Are things okay between you guys?”
“Oh, he's kind of joined the security team here and is on a detail. They've gone to check out some kind of problem in a nearby area. I don't know. I didn't really ask. But I really miss him.”
“Tell him hi for me when he gets back.”
“Okay. Let me know how things go with that honey of yours.”
Seffy let out a nervous little laugh. “Okie dokie.”
As she headed back to her room, Seffy wondered how her friend could always be so positive. Maybe she hadn't had enough soul-destroying, under-the-heel crushing events in her life. Those things kind of got to a person.
Seffy changed her clothes. She studied her reflection in the mirror as she styled her hair and put on a touch of make-up. Honestly, what did Trent see in her? She was a bona fide nut job. And a scrawny one at that. He deserved so much better.
Regardless, she took a deep breath and headed down the passageway to face him. When she entered his room and realized he was gone, she felt utterly deflated. She stood forlornly in the middle of his room then walked to the bed and picked up his pillow. Pressing it to her face, she inhaled his scent.
Seffy glanced at the ceiling tile and knew where she would wait for him.
Chapter Nineteen
Trent returned to his room after another fruitless talk with Fenn. Finding Seffy absent from her room didn't improve his mood either. He decided to check the Light Room, and if she wasn't there, he would just go to bed and feel sorry for himself.
When he saw that the little white lights were on along the framing, his chest tightened. As he made his way through the passage, he wondered what he would say when he saw her. He wondered if this was his last chance to make his case that they belonged together.