by Ben Peller
Special Features - Too
Much Information
From The Inside Door
Of A Medicine Cabinet
And Other Photos Of A
Risque Nature
The following photos will hopefully prove to be enlightening at best, funny at least, or remarkably smug self-serving portraits at worst. After much thought, I decided to send them in along with the manuscripts you’ve just read. I like to think I found love in L.A., and that love can prove more than moments frozen in a photograph. They say photos may seize your soul, as may love. If this is true, the following photos apprehended me as well as the ones I was happy to share them with one crazy night in Hollywood, the last night I was able to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I raise my glass now to you. Perhaps we’ll meet one day, and we can take a photograph together, and become a part of one another’s stories. But for now it seems that to truly live I must die. So I offer this toast to you, to life, to love… I’m gone for now… in the meantime, please enjoy the show…
This photo is the one I am arguably least proud of, but also most amused by for several reasons…
a) WAY too much information for a ladyfriend to leave scrawled on the inside of my medicine cabinet one night when she claimed she “couldn’t sleep.” Next time, my dear, instead of defacing my medicine cabinet, please try a cup of cocoa and a magazine.
b) It took almost two months for this message to be discovered, being that I rarely open my medicine cabinet.
c) I wasn’t even the one who discovered it. My fifty-five year old aunt Christine had stopped by on Halloween afternoon to pick up a costume for a party that night and needed to use the bathroom.
Looking out for my true match: a heart bordered by diamonds.
Who says zombies and vampires can’t get along?
Always happy to make the acquaintance of two women who have bigger arms and breasts than a ‘roided up zombie
I’ve always been a sucker for animals (as well as shameless self-promotion)
Would you bring this zombie home to meet Mom and Dad?
FINALLY getting over my fear of Michael Myers after twenty-something years (even he looks bored).
Believe it or not,
I actually did manage to remain silent.
I love You, Pops.
About the Author
This is Ben Peller’s third novel, a follow up to the acclaimed To Live and Drink In L.A. He’s still drinking, living, and loving with wild abandon. Enter his fantasy at your own risk.
Editor’s Note
In regards to Shawn Michals, all attempts to reach him have been futile. It’s entirely possible that he is indeed the figment of a crazed writer’s imagination, a character that helps the line between reality and fantasy become bearable enough to cross. Or perhaps he does exist but wants his true identity protected, and has manipulated the author to do as such. Either way, his whereabouts remain, once again, unknown.
Preface
1 Name deleted at insistence of author’s public defender.
Chapters
1 An episode during the show’s first season entitled The One With the Ick Factor in which Monica has an affair with a young man named Ethan, who turns out to be a high schooler.
2 Name deleted at insistence of author’s ego.
3 The movie whose premiere, ironically, Peller tried to crash with copies of To Live and Drink In L.A. in hand.
4 A woman who was simply born with an extra “appendage,” namely a penis.
5 Last name deleted for abundant reasons.
6 For those of you writers who might want to steal this idea, don’t bother. I’ve already written both a television pilot as well as a query for a series of novels. When they made the rounds of agents, both were rejected with extreme decisiveness.
7 This is often done on The West Wing, one of the best television shows ever. Not only is it brilliant, it offers good drinking game fodder. To wit, every time a character says “Okay,” take a shot. Midway through two episodes, you’ll be hammered. God Bless Aaron Sorkin.
8 Cutting a promo is a professional wrestling term that entails telling your upcoming opponent how you’re going to rip their lungs out in an upcoming match, how you’re the best there is, etc. The kind of speech that would spice up an Academy Awards show: “I’m the best Actor here, and now everybody damn well knows it!”
9 Word created and authorized via publisher’s lawyers. All rights reserved.
10 The results of studies attempting to demonstrate that the midweek offers both married couples and singles a wide-open night when nothing is really expected of them and thus leads to increased sexual activity have been inconclusive.
11 The pictures featured at the conclusion of this book in no way represent any kind of relationship between the alleged protagonist and the citizens of West Hollywood or its Police Department. They are being used for strictly demonstrational purposes.
12 See Footnote #8
Table of Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
PREFACE
A SAVAGE EMAIL FROM SHAWN MICHALS
LOVAHOLICS ANONYMOUS
WRITERS IN THE NIGHT
THE LATENT HOMOSEXUAL YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS WARNED YOU ABOUT
TO SWING OR NOT TO SWING
THE CRAZIEST GIRL IN L.A
HOW TO TRAP A COUGAR VS. HOW TO TRAP A CUB
LAWYERS IN ENTRAPMENT
ANALYSTS AND ANALISTS
TEMP ROMANCES AND PERMANENT SCARS
ZOMBIES IN LOVE
FIN AND RELEASE AT AN INN BY THE SEA
SPECIAL FEATURES - TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM THE INSIDE DOOR OF A MEDICINE CABINET AND OTHER PHOTOS OF A RISQUE NATURE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
EDITOR’S NOTE
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
PREFACE
A SAVAGE EMAIL FROM SHAWN MICHALS
LOVAHOLICS ANONYMOUS
WRITERS IN THE NIGHT
THE LATENT HOMOSEXUAL YOUR MOTHER ALWAYS WARNED YOU ABOUT
TO SWING OR NOT TO SWING
THE CRAZIEST GIRL IN L.A
HOW TO TRAP A COUGAR VS. HOW TO TRAP A CUB
LAWYERS IN ENTRAPMENT
ANALYSTS AND ANALISTS
TEMP ROMANCES AND PERMANENT SCARS
ZOMBIES IN LOVE
FIN AND RELEASE AT AN INN BY THE SEA
SPECIAL FEATURES - TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM THE INSIDE DOOR OF A MEDICINE CABINET AND OTHER PHOTOS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
EDITOR’S NOTE
1
A Savage Email From
2
3
The Latent Homosexual
4
To Swing Or
The Craziest Girl In L.A.
5
How To Trap A Cougar
Temp Romances And
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
Fin And Release At
Special Features - Too