Chapter XXXIV
"Strickland.--These doings in my house distract me. I met a fine gentleman; when I inquired who He was--why, he came to Clarinda. I met A footman too, and he came to Clarinda. My wife had the character of a virtuous Woman----."
"Suspicious Husband."
"Let us no more contend Each other, blamed enough elsewhere, but strive In offices of love, how we may lighten Each other's burden in our share of woe."
MILTON.
I do not know a spot on the globe which astonishes and delights, upon yourfirst landing, as the island of Madeira.
The voyager embarks, and is in all probability confined to his cabin,suffering under the dreadful protraction of sea-sickness. Perhaps he hasleft England in the gloomy close of the autumn, or the frigid concentrationof an English winter. In a week, or even in a shorter period, he againviews that _terra firma_ which he had quitted with regret, and which in hissufferings he would have given half that he possessed to regain.
When he lands upon the island, what a change! Winter has become summer, thenaked trees which he left are exchanged for the most luxuriant and variedfoliage, snow and frost for warmth and splendour; the scenery of thetemperate zone for the profusion and magnificence of the tropics; fruitwhich he had never before seen, supplies for the table unknown to him; abright sky, a glowing sun, hills covered with vines, a deep-blue sea, apicturesque and novel costume; all meet and delight the eye, just at theprecise moment when to have been landed, even upon a barren island, wouldhave been considered as a luxury. Add to all this, the unboundedhospitality of the English residents, a sojourn too short to permitsatiety; and then is it to be wondered that the island of Madeira is a"green spot" in the memory of all those who land there, or that they quitit with regret?
The _Bombay Castle_ had not been two hours at anchor before the passengershad availed themselves of an invitation from one of the English residents,and were quartered in a splendid house, which looked upon a square and oneof the principal churches in the city of Funchal. While the gentlemenamused themselves, at the extensive range of windows, with the novelty ofthe scene, and the ladies retired to their apartments to complete the hastytoilet of their disembarkation, Captain Drawlock was very busy in thecounting-house below, with the master of the house. There were so manypipes of Madeira for the Honourable Company; so many for the directors'private cellars, besides many other commissions for friends, which CaptainDrawlock had undertaken to execute; for at that period Madeira wine had notbeen so calumniated as it latterly has been.
A word upon this subject. I am a mortal enemy to every description ofhumbug; and I believe there is as much in the medical world as in anyother. Madeira wine had for a century been in high and deserved reputation,when on a sudden some fashionable physician discovers that it containedmore acid than sherry. Whether he was a sleeping partner in some Spanishhouse, or whether he had received a present of a few pipes of sherry thathe might turn the scale of public favour towards that wine, I know not; butcertain it is, that it became fashionable with all medical gentlemen toprescribe sherry; and when once anything becomes fashionable, _c'est uneaffaire decidee_.
I do not pretend to be much of a pathologist; but on reading Mr F----'sanalysis on the component parts of wine, I observed that in one hundredparts there are perhaps twenty-two parts of acid in Madeira, and nineteenin sherry; so that, in fact, if you reduce your glass of Madeira wine justone sip in quantity, you will imbibe no more acid than in a full glass ofsherry; and when we consider the variety of acids in sugar and othercompounds, which abound in culinary preparations, the fractional quantityupon which has been grounded the abuse of Madeira wine appears to be mostridiculous.
But if not a pathologist, I have a most decided knowledge of what is goodwine; and if the gout should some day honour me with a visit, I shall atleast have the consolation to know that I have by potation most honestlyearned it.
But allowing that the medical gentlemen are correct, still their goodintentions are frustrated by the knavery of the world; and the result oftheir prescriptions is that people drink much more acid than they didbefore. I do every justice to good old sherry when it does make itsappearance at table; it is a noble wine when aged and unsophisticated fromits youth; but for once that you meet with it genuine, you are twenty timesdisappointed. When Madeira wine was in vogue, the island could not producethe quantity required for consumption, and the vintage from the north sideof the island, or of Teneriffe, was substituted. This adulteration no doubtwas one cause of its losing its well-established reputation. But Madeirawine has a quality which in itself proves its superiority over all otherwines--namely, that although no other wine can be passed off as Madeira,yet with Madeira the wine-merchants may imitate any other wine that is indemand. What is the consequence? that Madeira, not being any longer inrequest as Madeira now that sherry is the "correct thing," and there notbeing sufficient of the latter to meet the increased demand, most of thewine vended as sherry is made from the inferior Madeira wines. Reader, ifyou have ever been in Spain, you may have seen the Xerez or sherry winebrought from the mountains to be put into the cask. A raw goat-skin, withthe neck-part and the four legs sewed up, forms a leathern bag, containingperhaps from fifteen to twenty gallons. This is the load of one man, whobrings it down on his shoulder exposed to the burning rays of the sun. Whenit arrives, it is thrown down on the sand, to swelter in the heat with therest, and remains there probably for days before it is transferred into thecask. It is this proceeding which gives to sherry that peculiar leathertwang which distinguishes it from other wines--a twang easy to imitate bythrowing into a cask of Cape wine a pair of old boots, and allowing them toremain a proper time. Although the public refuse to drink Madeira asMadeira, they are in fact drinking it in every way disguised--as port, assherry, &c.; and it is a well-known fact that the poorer wines from thenorth side of the island are landed in the London Docks, and shipped off tothe Continent, from whence they reappear in bottles as "peculiarly fineflavoured hock!"
Now, as it is only the indifferent wines which are thus turned intosherry,--and the more inferior the wine, the more acid it contains,--Ithink I have made out a clear case that people are drinking more acid thanthey did before this wonderful discovery of the medical gentlemen, who havefor some years led the public by the nose.
There are, however, some elderly persons of my acquaintance who are not tobe dissuaded from drinking Madeira, but who continue to destroy themselvesby the use of this acid, which perfumes the room when the cork isextracted. I did represent to one of them that it was a species of suicide,after what the doctors had discovered; but he replied, in a very gruff toneof voice, "May be, sir; but you can't teach an old dog new tricks!"
I consider that the public ought to feel very much indebted to me for this_expose_. Madeira wine is very low, while sherry is high in price. Theyhave only to purchase a cask of Madeira and flavour it with Wellingtonboots or ladies' slippers, as it may suit their palates. The former willproduce the high-coloured, the latter the pale sherry. Further, I considerthat the merchants of Madeira are bound to send me a letter of thanks, witha pipe of Bual to prove its sincerity. Now I recollect Stoddart did promiseme some wine when he was last in England; but I suppose he has forgottenit.
But from the produce I must return to the island and my passengers. Thefirst day of their arrival they ate their dinner, took their coffee, andreturned to bed early to enjoy a comfortable night after so many ofconstant pitching and tossing. The next morning the ladies were muchbetter, and received the visits of all the captains of the India ships, andalso of the captain of the frigate who escorted them.
The officers of the _Bombay Castle_ had been invited to dinner; and thefirst mate not being inclined to leave the ship, Newton had for oneaccepted the invitation. On his arrival, he discovered in the captain ofthe frigate his former acquaintance, Captain Carrington, in whose ship hehad obtained a passage from the West Indies, and who, on the former beingpaid off, had been appointed to t
he command of the _Boadicea_. CaptainCarrington was delighted to meet Newton; and the attention which he paid tohim, added to the encomiums bestowed when Newton was out of hearing, raisedhim very high in the opinion, not only of Captain Drawlock, but also in theestimation of the ladies. At the request of Captain Carrington, Newton wasallowed to remain on shore till their departure from the island; and fromthis circumstance he became more intimate with the ladies than he would inall probability have otherwise been in the whole course of the voyage. Wemust pass over the gallop up to Nostra Senhora da Monte,--an expeditionopposed by Captain Drawlock on the score of his responsibility; but he wasoverruled by Captain Carrington, who declared that Newton and he were quitesufficient convoy. We must pass over the many compliments paid to IsabelRevel by Captain Carrington, who appeared desperately in love after anacquaintance of four-and-twenty hours, and who discovered a defect in the_Boadicea_ which would occupy two or three days to make good, that he mightbe longer in her company; but we will not pass over one circumstance whichoccurred during their week's sojourn at this delightful island.
A certain Portuguese lady of noble birth had been left a widow with twodaughters, and a fine estate to share between them. The daughters werehandsome; but the estate was so much handsomer that it set all themandolins of the Portuguese inamoratos strumming under the windows of thelady's abode from sunset to the dawn of day.
Now, it did so occur, that a young English clerk in a mercantile house, whohad a fresh complexion and a clean shirt to boast of (qualificationsunknown to the Portuguese), won the heart of the eldest daughter; and theold lady, who was not a very strict Catholic, gave her consent to thisheretical union. The Catholic priests, who had long been trying to persuadethe old lady to shut up her daughters in a convent, and endow the churchwith her property, expressed a holy indignation at the intended marriage.The Portuguese gentlemen, who could not brook the idea of so many fairhills of vines going away to a stranger, were equally indignant: in short,the whole Portuguese population of the island were in arms; but the oldlady, who had always contrived to have her way before her husband's death,was not inclined to be thwarted now that she was her own mistress; and,notwithstanding threats and expostulations from all quarters, she awaitedbut the arrival of an English man-of-war that the ceremony might beperformed, there being at that time no Protestant clergyman on the island;for the reader must know that a marriage on board of a king's ship, by thecaptain, duly entered in the log-book, is considered as valid as if theceremony were performed by the Archbishop of Canterbury.
I once married a couple on board of a little ten-gun brig of which Icondescended to take the command, to oblige the first lord of theAdmiralty; offered, I believe, to _provide_ for me, and rid the Board ofall future solicitations for employment or promotion.
It was one of my sailors, who had come to a determination to make an honestwoman of Poll and an ass of himself at one and the same time. The ceremonytook place on the quarter-deck. "Who gives this woman away?" said I, withdue emphasis, according to the ritual. "I do," cried the boatswain, in agruff voice, taking the said lady by the arm and shoving her towards me, asif he thought her not worth keeping. Everything went on seriously,nevertheless. The happy pair were kneeling down on the union-jack, whichhad been folded on the deck in consideration of the lady's knees, and I wasin the middle of the blessing, when two pigs, which we had procured at StJago's, being then off that island (creatures more like English pigs onstilts than anything else, unless you could imagine a cross between a pigand a greyhound), in the lightness of their hearts and happy ignorance oftheir doom, took a frisk, as you often see pigs do on shore, commenced arun from forward right aft, and galloping to the spot where we were allcollected, rushed against the two just made one, destroying their centre ofgravity, and upsetting them; and, indeed, destroying the gravity andupsetting the seriousness of myself and the whole of the ship's company.The lady recovered her legs, d--d the pigs, and, taking her husband's arm,hastened down the hatchway; so that I lost the kiss to which I was entitledfor my services. I consoled myself by the reflection that, "please thepigs," I might be more fortunate the next time that I officiated in myclerical capacity. This is a digression, I grant, but I cannot help it; itis the nature of man to digress. Who can say that he has through life keptin the straight path? This is a world of digression; and I beg that criticswill take no notice of mine, as I have an idea that my digressions in thiswork are as agreeable to my readers, as my digressions in life have beenagreeable to myself.
When Captain Carrington anchored with his convoy in Funchal roads,immediate application was made by the parties for the ceremony to beperformed on board of his ship. It is true that, as Mr Ferguson hadarrived, it might have taken place on shore; but it was consideredadvisable, to avoid interruption and insult, that the parties should beunder the sanctuary of a British man-of-war. On the fourth day after the_Boadicea's_ arrival, the ceremony was performed on board of her by MrFerguson; and the passengers of the _Bombay_, residing at the house ofMr-----, who was an intimate friend of the bridegroom, received andaccepted the invitation to the marriage-dinner. The feast was splendid, andafter the Portuguese custom. The first course was _boiled_: it consisted ofboiled beef, boiled mutton, boiled hams, boiled tongues, boiled bacon,boiled fowls, boiled turkeys, boiled sausages, boiled cabbages, boiledpotatoes, and boiled carrots. Duplicates of each were ranged in opposition,until the table groaned with its superincumbent weight. All were cut up,placed in one dish, and handed round to the guests. When they drank wine,every glass was filled, and everybody who filled his glass was expected todrink the health of every guest separately and by name before he emptiedit. The first course was removed, and the second made its appearance, allroasted. Roast beef, roast veal, roast mutton, roast lamb, roast joints ofpork, roasted turkeys, roasted fowls, roasted sausages, roasted everything;the centre dish being a side of a large hog, rolled up like an enormousfillet of veal. This, too, was done ample justice to by the Portuguese partof the company, at least; and all was cleared away for the dessert,consisting of oranges, melons, pine-apples, guavas, citrons, bananas,peaches, strawberries, apples, pears, and, indeed, of almost every fruitwhich can be found in the whole world; all of which appear to naturalisethemselves at Madeira. It was now supposed by the uninitiated that thedinner was over; but not so: the dessert was cleared away, and on came an_husteron proteron_ medley of pies and puddings, in all their varieties,smoking hot, boiled and baked; custards and sweetmeats, cheese and olives,fruits of all kinds preserved, and a hundred other things, from which thegods preserve us! At last the feast was really over--the Portuguese pickedtheir teeth with their forks, and the wine was circulated briskly. On suchan occasion as the marriage of her daughter, the old lady had resolved totap a pipe of Madeira, which was, at the very least, fifty years old, veryfine in flavour, but, from having been so long in the wood, little inferiorin strength to genuine Cognac. The consequence was that many of thegentlemen became noisy before the dinner was over; and their mirth wasincreased to positive uproar upon a message being sent by the bishop,ordering, upon pain of excommunication, that the ceremony should proceed nofurther. The ladies retired to the withdrawing-room: the gentlemen soonfollowed; but the effects of the wine were so apparent upon most of themthat Captain Drawlock summoned Newton to his assistance, and was in a stateof extreme anxiety until his "responsibilities" were safe at home. Shortlyafterwards, Captain Carrington and those who were the least affected, bypersuasion and force, removed the others from the house; and the bridalparty were left to themselves, to deliberate whether they should or shouldnot obey the preposterous demands of the reverend bishop.
Captain Carrington was excessively fond of a joke, and never lost theopportunity when it occurred: now, it happened that in the party invitedthere was a merchant of the name of Sullivan, who, upon his last visit toEngland, had returned with a very pretty, and at the same time, a verycoquettish young lady as his wife. It happened, in the casualties of alarge dinner party, that the old colonel (Ellice was
his name, if I havenot mentioned it before) was seated next to her, and, as usual, wasremarkably attentive. Mr Sullivan, like many other gentlemen, was veryinattentive to his wife, and, unlike most Irishmen, was very jealous ofher. The very marked attention of the colonel had not escaped his notice;neither did his fidgeting upon this occasion escape the notice of thoseabout him, who were aware of his disposition. The poor colonel was one ofthose upon whose brain the wine had taken the most effect; and it was notuntil after sundry falls, and being again placed upon his legs, that he hadbeen conveyed home between Captain Carrington and Mr----, the merchant atwhose house the party from the _Bombay Castle_ were residing. The ensuingmorning he did not make his appearance at breakfast; and the gentlemenresiding on the island, commenting upon the events of the evening before,declared in a joking way that they should not be surprised at Mr Sullivansending him a challenge in the course of the morning; that was, if he wasup so soon, as he had quitted the house in a greater state of inebrietythan even the colonel. It was upon this hint that Captain Carringtonproposed to have some amusement; and having arranged it with one of thejunior partners of the house, he went into the room of the colonel, whom hefound still in bed.
"Well, colonel, how do you find yourself?" said Captain Carrington, when hehad roused him.
"Oh! very bad, indeed: my head is ready to split; never felt such asensation in my head before, except when I was struck with a spent ball atthe battle of--"
"I am very sorry for your headache, colonel: but more sorry that the wineshould have played you such a trick last night."
"Trick, indeed!" replied the colonel; "I was completely overcome. I do notrecollect a word that passed after I quitted the dinner-table."
"Are you serious? Do you not recollect the scene with Mrs Sullivan?"
"Mrs Sullivan! My dear sir, what scene? I certainly paid every attentiondue to a very pretty woman; but I recollect no further."
"Not the scene in the drawing-room?"
"God bless me!--No--I do not even recollect ever going into thedrawing-room! Pray tell me what I said or did: I hope nothing improper."
"Why, that depends very much whether the lady likes it or not; but in thepresence of so many people--"
"Merciful powers! Captain Carrington, pray let me know at once what follyit was that I committed."
"Why, really, I am almost ashamed to enter into particulars: suffice tosay, that you used most unwarrantable freedom towards her."
"Is it possible?" cried the colonel. "Now, Captain Carrington, are you notjoking?"
"Ask this gentleman; he was present."
The assertion of the captain was immediately corroborated, and the colonelwas quite aghast.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, I will run immediately--that abominable wine. I mustgo and make a most ample apology. I am bound to do it, as a gentleman, asan officer, and as a man of honour."
Captain Carrington and his confederate quitted the room, satisfied with thesuccess of their plot. The colonel rose, and soon afterwards made hisappearance. He swallowed a cup of coffee, and then proceeded on his visit,to make the _amende honorable_.
When Mr Sullivan awoke from the lethargy produced from the stupefyingeffects of the wine, he tried to recollect the circumstances of thepreceding evening; but he could trace no further than to the end of thedinner, after which his senses had been overpowered. All that he could callto memory was, that somebody had paid great attention to his wife, and thatwhat had passed afterwards was unknown. This occasioned him to rise in avery jealous humour; and he had not been up more than an hour, when thecolonel sent up his card, requesting, as a particular favour, that the ladywould admit him.
The card and message were taken by the servant to Mr Sullivan, whosejealousy was again roused by the circumstance; and wishing to know if theperson who had now called was the same who had been so attentive to hiswife on the preceding evening, and the motives of the call, he requestedthat the colonel might be shown in, without acquainting his wife, whom hehad not yet seen, with his arrival. The colonel, who intended to have madean apology to the lady without the presence of a third person, least of allof her husband, ascended the stairs, adjusting his hair and cravat, andprepared with all the penitent assurance and complimentary excuses of a tooardent lover. The fact was, that, although the colonel had expressed toCaptain Carrington his regret and distress at the circumstance, yet, as anold Adonis, he was rather proud of this instance of juvenile indiscretion.When, therefore, he entered the room, and perceived, instead of the lady,Mr Sullivan, raised up to his utmost height, and looking anything butgood-humoured, he naturally started back, and stammered out something whichwas unintelligible. His behaviour did not allay the suspicions of MrSullivan, who requested, in a haughty tone, to be informed of the reasonwhy he had been honoured with a visit. The colonel became more confused,and totally losing his presence of mind, replied:--
"I called, sir,--on Mrs Sullivan,--to offer an apology for my conduct lastnight; but as I perceive that she is not visible, I will take a morefavourable opportunity."
"Any apology you may have to offer to my wife, sir," replied Mr Sullivan,"may be confided to me. May I inquire the circumstances which have occurredto render an apology necessary?" and Mr Sullivan walked to the door andclosed it.
"Why, really, Mr Sullivan, you must be aware that circumstances may occur,"replied the colonel, more confused: "the fact is, that I consider it myduty, as a gentleman and a man of honour, to express my regrets to yourfair lady."
"My fair lady! for what, sir, may I ask?"
"Why, sir," stammered the colonel, "to state the truth, for, as a gentlemanand a man of honour, I ought not to be ashamed to acknowledge myerror--for--the very improper behaviour which I was guilty of last night."
"Improper behaviour, sir!--d--nation! with my wife?" roared Mr Sullivan, inhis rage. "What behaviour, sir? and when, sir?"
"Really, sir, I was too much affected with the wine to know anything whichpassed. I did hope to have addressed the lady in person on the subject, andI came here with that intention."
"I daresay you did, sir."
"But," continued the colonel, "as it appears I am not to have that honour,I consider that I have done my duty in requesting that you will convey mysentiments of regret for what has passed;--and now, sir, I wish you a goodmorning."
"Good morning," retorted the husband, with a sneer, "and observe, sir, Iwill not trouble you to call again. William, show this gentleman outsidethe door."
The colonel, who was descending the stairs, turned round to Mr Sullivan atthe latter part of his speech, and then, as if thinking better of it, heresumed his descent, and the door was immediately closed upon him.
Mr Sullivan, as soon as he was satisfied that the colonel was shut out,immediately repaired to his wife's dressing-room, where he found herreading.
"Madam," said he, fixing his eyes sternly on her, "I have been informed ofwhat took place last night."
"I'm sure I do not know what that was," replied the lady, coolly, "exceptthat you were very tipsy."
"Granted, madam; you took advantage of it; and your conduct--"
"My conduct, Mr Sullivan!" replied his wife, kindling with anger.
"Yes, Mrs Sullivan, your conduct. A married woman, madam, who allowsgentlemen--"
"Gentlemen, Mr Sullivan! I allow no gentleman but yourself. Are you surethat you are quite sober?"
"Yes, madam, I am; but this affected coolness will not avail you: deny, ifyou can, that Colonel Ellice did not last night--"
"Well, then, I do deny it. Neither Colonel Ellice nor any other man everdid--"
"Did what, madam?" interrupted the husband in a rage.
"I was going to observe, if you had not interrupted me, that no one waswanting in proper respect towards me," replied the lady, who grew more coolas her husband increased in choler. "Pray, Mr Sullivan, may I inquire whois the author of this slander?"
"The author, madam! look at me--to your confusion look at me!"
"Well, I'm looking.
"
"'Twas, madam--the colonel himself."
"The colonel himself!"
"Yes, madam, the colonel himself, who called this morning to see you andrenew the intimacy, I presume; but by mistake was shown up to me, and thenmade an apology for his conduct."
"It's excessively strange! first the colonel is rude, without my knowledge,and then apologises to you! Mr Sullivan, I'm afraid that your head is notright this morning."
"Indeed, madam, I only wish that your heart was as sound," replied thehusband, with a sneer; "but, madam, I am not quite blind. An honestwoman--a virtuous woman, Mrs Sullivan, would have immediately acquaintedher husband with what had passed--not have concealed it; still less havehad the effrontery to deny it, when acknowledged by her _paramour_."
"_Paramour_!" cried the lady, with an hysterical laugh; "Mr Sullivan, whenI select a _paramour_, it shall be a handsome young man--not an old,yellow-faced--"
"Pshaw, madam! there's no accounting for taste; when a woman deviates fromthe right path--"
"Right path! if ever I deviated from the right path, as you call it, it waswhen I married such a wretch as you! Yes, sir," continued the lady,bursting into tears, "I tell it you now--my life has been a torment to meever since I married (sobbing)--always suspected for nothing (sob,sob)--jealous, detestable temper (sob)--go to my friends (sob)--hereaftermay repent (sob)--then know what you've lost" (sob, sob, sob).
"And, madam," replied Mr Sullivan, "so may you also know what you havelost, before a few hours have passed away; then, madam, the time may comewhen the veil of folly will be rent from your eyes, and your conduct appearin all its deformity. Farewell, madam--perhaps for ever!"
The lady made no reply; Mr Sullivan quitted the room, and, repairing to hiscounting-house, wrote a challenge to the colonel and confided the deliveryof it to one of his friends, who unwillingly accepted the office of second.
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