Fear flooded her; instinctively, she shook her wrists as if to cast away the chains that chafed against her skin. She closed her eyes to deny the vision: the dreams were preoccupying her, and maybe she’d projected an image of Finn outside of herself for a moment. It was possible. No! she cried out in her mind. Be gone. You’re not welcome here. Heart pounding, she opened her eyes as Rav turned on the light.
The switch banished the dark and Finn’s image with it.
You mean nothing to me. There’s nothing here for you. She wanted to speak aloud into the room, to banish Finn and make sure he was under no illusion that she wanted him.
There was nothing keeping Faye connected to him, except the line of desire that pulsed in her: a trail of fire that called out to him, and a call of desire that she knew he could hear. Waking, she wanted an end to whatever hold he had over her. But in her dreams, everything was different.
‘Faye. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’ Rav laid a casual kiss on her cheek and threw his coat on the couch. ‘I’m putting the kettle on,’ he called over his shoulder as Faye stood in the lounge, arms across her chest in a protective gesture. As soon as Rav was safely into the kitchen, Faye traced out all protective symbols and sigils in the air that she could think of. Leave us alone! she hissed; the kettle boiling in the kitchen would mask her words for Rav’s ears. Leave us alone. This isn’t fair. I don’t want you.
But she knew it wasn’t enough.
Five
‘Faye, this is everybody; everybody, meet Faye Morgan.’
The restaurant was crowded and noisy, and Faye could feel herself contract against its busy-ness; the jostling, shouting and laughing stabbed at her: a cloud of pins. She’d never loved crowds, being used to quiet, coastal Abercolme, where the soft song of the sea lulled her dreams.
Still, Rav held her hand and she squeezed his wide palm affectionately. These were his friends; London was his city, where he’d grown up and worked all his life. His music promotion company had expanded to have an Edinburgh office to run festivals and band tours in Scotland, but she could see from the way his face glowed that he was happy to be home.
And who could blame him? Faye waved a shy hello at the men and women clustered around the long table, drinking, talking and laughing. Yet Rav still wasn’t back to his usual self. He had refused to go to hospital after she’d rescued him from Murias, even though Faye had insisted that he should. The headaches had lessened, but she knew he still suffered from them, and the whole episode hadn’t exactly helped his anxiety. Despite his obvious happiness at having Faye in London, she could detect some of the frayed seams under the smooth image he liked to present.
She was half-faerie; she could travel between the two realms. Even having a faerie king father and a human mother meant that when she’d been in Murias for long periods of time, she still needed to return to the ordinary world to eat and drink real food. Faerie food and drink didn’t sustain her in the same way, though it filled her with magic, and every cup of the strange, herbal tasting, jewel-coloured wine made her forget a little more of the human world.
But Rav had been weakened by his short stay in faerie, violently abducted there by Finn Beatha, Faye’s jealous faerie lover. Faye still had nightmares about the emaciated bodies that the faerie dancers trampled on in the castle of Murias. It was a slow, horrible death. Faye had managed to rescue Rav, but he had deep wounds that took months to heal.
Normal, she reminded herself as she smiled around her. Remember, this is normal life. These people don’t know anything about deadly faerie dances and wild kelpies. As far as she knew, Rav hadn’t told them the real story. And he certainly wouldn’t want them to know about the bargain she’d made to save him and the others. She owed the faerie realm for his life, but it was her burden to carry, alone.
Rav introduced her to the people sitting around them: his tall, bearded business partner Roni and his wife, Sumi; a man with round John Lennon glasses and untidy blond hair, wearing a faded music t-shirt and a torn cardigan, called Jeremy, and next to him, a finely-featured woman with blonde hair to her waist dressed entirely in black, who Rav introduced as Mallory.
‘It’s so great to meet you, finally! I’ve heard such a lot about you!’ Sumi grabbed Faye’s hand across the table. She was deliciously full-figured, and her dress, a wrap-over in a green and blue palm leaf print against a pink background, caressed her curves. ‘I’m so glad Rav’s found someone. He’s a workaholic. He needs a woman in his life.’ Her smile was infectious and warm, and Faye liked her immediately.
‘I’m glad I found him,’ Faye said, smiling.
‘So, tell us about this amazing shop of yours! Rav told us – and, by us, I mean he told Roni, and Roni told me.’ She smiled affectionately at her husband, a tall, portly black man with a beard who was laughing with Rav. ‘He told us you’re a witch! And your place, it’s been in the family for generations, I think?’
The table quieted and turned to stare at her; Faye would have preferred the noise to everyone looking at her.
‘That’s right. My shop’s called Mistress of Magic. I sell candles, herb incense, crystals, tarot, books. That kind of thing,’
‘Cool.’ Jeremy, opposite her, raised his eyebrow. ‘I do a bit of tarot myself sometimes,’
‘Jer! You do not. You did it for me once and you just looked everything up in that book,’ Sumi scoffed affectionately.
‘Whatever. It takes practice,’ he shrugged. ‘I was going to do a course.’
‘You should. There’s bound to be some good teachers in London.’ Faye nodded. ‘I’ve taught people. It’s not hard, really – it’s a combination of practice, imagination – and some reading the book, too,’ she concluded with a smile.
‘Ooooh, teach me!’ Sumi’s eyes were wide. ‘I’d LOVE that.’
‘Sure, any time,’ Faye laughed. She was increasingly aware that the woman dressed all in black to her right, who had smiled narrowly when they were introduced, was sitting silently, listening. ‘What about you, Mallory? Ever had your cards read?’ she asked the girl.
‘A few times.’ Mallory studied her nails critically and gave Faye a disinterested smile. ‘I know someone who’s really gifted. He’s been reading for me for years, on and off.’ The implication in Mallory’s voice was that Faye was no comparison to Mallory’s expert friend.
‘Oh. That’s… great,’ Faye replied, not sure how to talk to this woman, who so obviously didn’t want to talk to her. Mallory gave a tiny, brief upturn of her lips and turned away to talk to the person on her right. Sumi caught Faye’s confused expression and leaned over the table.
‘Don’t worry about Mallory. She takes a while to open up, but she’s a sweet girl really,’ Sumi said in a low voice, just loud enough for Faye to catch over the talking and clinking of glasses. ‘It took me three years to actually engage her in conversation. And that’s me. I’d make a wall talk to me, right?! You’ll get there.’ Sumi gave a slight eyeroll, and Faye grinned, relieved it wasn’t something she’d inadvertently said or done. ‘Anyway. She’s probably feeling a bit strange, given the situation…’
Faye leaned closer over the table.
‘What situation?’
‘Oh.’ Sumi sat back in her chair and looked guilty for a minute. ‘I thought he’d have told you.’
‘Who would have told me what?’ Faye felt a spectre of unease settle on her; among the revelry, she felt suddenly isolated once again. Rav reached for her hand, as if picking up on her body language, but he didn’t stop talking to Roni.
Sumi got up and came round to Faye’s side of the table and crouched down beside her chair.
‘Mallory’s Rav’s ex,’ Sumi whispered in Faye’s ear. ‘They split up about a year ago. Amicable. They started going out in university, same time we met.’ She nodded to Roni.
‘Who ended it?’ Faye whispered, turning away from Mallory’s back; she was talking to whoever it was on her other side, a black woman with pink and purple braids interspersed with her
natural colour ones. Faye didn’t think she could hear, but she wanted to be sure.
‘Rav,’ Sumi replied, looking at Faye speculatively. She held out her hand and said, louder, ‘Come on, I’ll show you where the ladies’ is.’
Faye took Sumi’s hand – she got the impression that people didn’t often refuse Sumi – and followed her through the closely-packed black-lacquered tables in the restaurant. It was a purposefully debauched-looking place with cerise and black leather easy chairs, huge vases of exotic flower arrangements against luxurious gold wallpaper splashed with large roses, lilies and orchids in full bloom. Contrasted to the lavish, decadent décor, the menu was mostly vegan, and contained dishes with ingredients – oils, seeds, pastes – she’d never heard of.
The bathroom was plastered with 50s style magazine covers featuring women with rolled fringes and red lipstick. Round and square, ornate gilt mirrors reflected the sparkles from the black quartz sinks which contained slivers of gold.
‘So. Look, I didn’t want to talk about it in there, when she’s right there. To save both of your feelings.’ Sumi turned on a golden tap and ran her hands under the water.
‘Okay.’ Faye stared at her own face in the mirror. She looked pale and withdrawn.
‘I think Rav’s over her. He ended it, anyway. He told Roni they’d grown apart. I mean, that’s only natural. When you get together at that age – you know, nineteen, twenty – you’re not that likely to stay together. Roni and I have, but that’s because, y’know, we’re both terrified of change.’ Sumi laughed merrily at her own joke.
Faye smiled. ‘I’m sure it’s more than that,’ she said, generously, but her heart was pounding. That Rav was still friends with his beautiful ex-girlfriend wasn’t exactly news that she was sure their new, vulnerable relationship could take.
Sumi wiped her hands with a thick white towel from a pile in the centre of a black quartz topped table and threw it into a wicker basket.
‘Well, I love Roni. There’s that. And he loves me. I think. Anyway. Not the point.’ Sumi pumped some floral scented hand cream onto one palm and started rubbing it into her hands. ‘Point is, I wanted to talk to you about what’s going on with Rav. I mean, he gave us some kind of cock and bull story about you taking all these drugs together and visiting fairyland, when he was up in Scotland? And that’s why he’s like he is – I mean, he looks terrible. He’s lost weight, he doesn’t look like he’s sleeping. Roni says he’s drinking more than he usually would, and he seems edgy. I mean, I wanted to meet you… see if you were some kind of junkie he’d picked up with, you know, some weirdo. But now I see that you’re…’ Sumi trailed off.
‘Normal?’ Faye interjected.
‘Well… yes, to be honest. You seem like a nice, normal girl. So, help me out here. I don’t get what’s going on. He wouldn’t go on some drugs bender, and neither would you. I can tell. And I’m really worried about Rav. He’s an old and very dear friend of both of ours.’
Sumi shook her head concernedly. ‘I dunno… maybe he needs to see a psychiatrist? He’s always had anxiety issues, but this seems different.’ Sumi searched Faye’s eyes; Faye considered lying. Considered agreeing that, yes, they’d taken drugs and had a consensual hallucination that Rav was abducted to Murias. That they’d been high as kites, and Rav was experiencing psychological trauma because of it…
Faye didn’t know Sumi, but she wanted Sumi to like her. She wanted to fit into this loud, fashionable crowd that Rav was a part of. And she knew instinctively that while her witchiness gave her some novelty appeal, too much of it would make her strange. She remembered Bel McDougall shouting she’s a witch, she’s a witch, pointing, laughing; she wished Annie was with her.
But the desire to fit in wasn’t as strong as the new power she was still coming to terms with; the new fae power that coursed in her veins, black and gold as the stone she trailed her fingertips across as she listened to Sumi.
‘He might need counselling, you’re right. But it did really happen – the fairyland thing. We weren’t on drugs. I’ve never taken anything stronger than a glass of whisky,’ she said, thinking, unless you count faerie wine, which is a whole other thing. ‘I know it’s hard to understand. But… Abercolme, where I’m from… we have a… close relationship to the old ways there. The realm of faerie is very close.’
Sumi frowned at her. Clearly, she’d been expecting Faye to be an ally in helping Rav with what she perceived as his delusional state.
‘I don’t understand. The realm of faerie. It’s not real. I mean, outside books and songs and stuff. You can’t just walk into it.’
‘No, you can,’ Faye insisted. ‘I’ve been there many times. And Rav was taken there. I promise you that’s what happened. But, yes, it’s hard to explain to people that have a… more conventional world view, let’s say.’
Sumi looked away and Faye felt the warm rapport that had extended between them loosen and cool.
‘Well, maybe we’ll have to agree to disagree,’ Sumi said, carefully. ‘Most importantly, we need to make sure Rav’s getting the help he needs. Will you talk to him about seeing a therapist? He always used to go, but he stopped a few years ago. Roni says he stopped taking the meds too. To be honest, with all the stress of the business, I’m not surprised this happened. He had some kind of nervous breakdown. Maybe the both of you did. It happens.’ Sumi’s expression was neutral; her previous friendliness was muted.
‘But…’ Faye trailed off, not knowing what to say. ‘I’m not lying, okay?’
‘I’m sure you believe you’re telling the truth.’ Sumi was trying to be kind, but she couldn’t look Faye in the eye. ‘But, please. For Rav’s sake, don’t encourage this fantasy. And we’d really appreciate it if you could help us talk him into seeing someone. You might need to, as well.’
Faye looked away. ‘I care about him, you know.’ Her voice was small; Sumi had prodded the guilt that lay close under Faye’s surface. It was her fault, all of it: Rav was suffering because of her. But you saved him too, don’t forget that, she reminded herself, and stood a little taller. Sumi doesn’t understand. Like Grandmother said, don’t blame them because they don’t know.
‘Of course I’ll talk to him. About therapy. But you should know him well enough that you understand you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do,’ Faye added, meeting Sumi’s eyes defiantly. Sumi was being a concerned friend, but Faye wouldn’t say she was lying just to smooth things over between them or to assuage Sumi’s ignorance on the matter.
‘I know.’ Sumi nodded. There was an uncomfortable silence. ‘Well, we better get back, they’ll wonder what happened to us.’ Sumi fluffed her hair briefly in the long mirror and pushed the long, mirrored door. Faye followed her out of the bathroom with disappointment uncurling in her belly. A normal life seemed to elude her wherever she went.
When she got back to the table, Mallory was sitting in her seat, talking animatedly to Rav and Roni. Rav smiled affectionately at Faye when he saw her, and stood up to give her his seat.
‘Faye, have you met Mallory?’ Rav stood behind them both, like a matchmaker determined they would be friends.
‘Oh, yes, Faye was just telling us all about her shop. It sounds amazing!’ Mallory smiled a dazzling smile at Faye. Perhaps she’d read Mallory all wrong initially; there were all kinds of reasons why someone could be frosty on a first introduction. Faye knew that she wasn’t always the most approachable person herself; and Sumi had explained that Mallory was difficult to get to know. Shy people could be like that.
So Faye returned the warm smile, which belied the tension that remained after her conversation with Sumi.
‘You should come and visit sometime. I’d love to show you around,’ she offered, and Mallory smiled glossily, running a black-fingernailed hand through her fringe.
‘How lovely that would be,’ she replied, though Faye noted that Mallory was looking up at Rav and not her when she replied. Still, Rav was the person Mallory knew best; people did th
at kind of thing when they weren’t sure of others. Faye had trained herself to talk to strangers because of the shop, but everyone was different.
Perhaps Mallory stayed in a comfortable friend group because she didn’t like meeting new people. Faye knew she couldn’t judge anyone for any of those things; she’d only ever really had one close friend: Annie. Anyway, she was more upset about her conversation with Sumi than about Rav’s ex-girlfriend. Was that how they all saw her? Some crazy woman who had encouraged Rav to have mad fantasies? Or, worse, who had turned him into some kind of drug addict? Faye scanned the faces of the group around her; no-one met her eyes. You don’t know what I did for him. What I sacrificed. What I risked, she thought, angrily, but of course they would never understand. You’d never have even known where he was, much less rescue him, she fumed.
Rav topped up Mallory’s wine glass and peered at the empty bottle.
‘I’ll get a new one when I go past the bar. Got to pop out for a minute and make a call.’ He placed a kiss on Faye’s forehead. ‘Back in a minute.’
‘Okay.’ Faye didn’t want him to go: he was her one island of safety. At least she and Mallory had broken the ice. Yet as soon as Rav was out of sight, Mallory gave Faye that same thin-lipped smile and turned her back again, leaving Faye with no-one to talk to.
The anxiety Faye had been fighting off since she followed Rav into the restaurant flooded back. She was worried about what Sumi and the rest thought of her, but there was an added environmental pressure: London sat outside the bar like a malign dog, growling at the door. Tonight, the clamour of the city felt oppressive.
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