by Emily Rose
Closing my eyes, I felt the coolness the tears had left on my skin. Not only had I hurt Jaxson tonight, because even if I hadn’t told him, he knew. I had seen it in his eyes. He had put the dots together and I had no idea what it meant for us.
“God damnit!” I yelled and hit my car door, but I barely felt the pain in my hand as I sat drowning in my own fears.
I hated myself. I was such a fuck up. I knew, even when I first met Jaxson that I wasn’t good enough for him, but then I had let my heart take the lead. Even though it was for just a moment, I had fallen head over heels in love with him. And that had been the worst thing I could have done, because now I was doing exactly what I had feared I’d do in the first place.
I thought back to a conversation Jaxson and I had months ago.
“Don’t hurt me. Not yet.”
His words came to me like someone had stepped right on my chest. Even then, he had known. He had known he was risking his heart by loving me, but he had done it anyway.
“I’m so sorry….” I whispered as more tears fell.
“I know you are,” I heard his voice.
I sucked in a sharp breath and looked up to see Jaxson. He stood with his hands in his pockets, staring down at me with an expression I couldn’t read. It was like I was staring at a complete stranger, because I couldn’t read a damn thing he was feeling. I didn’t care if he saw me crying, because the longer he stood there, watching me, the more I saw the truth.
“I can’t do this,” I said so quietly that I wasn’t even sure he heard me.
Jaxson’s expression didn’t change. It didn’t betray a single emotion. “I know,” he said calmly.
“I keep trying to be better, but I just keep failing. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to look at you and love you after what I made you do,” I said.
He didn’t respond. He just listened.
“I blame myself. For everything. You should never have done something like that for me. I don’t deserve it. I should have stopped you. I should have done something,” I went on as tears started pouring from my eyes again.
I looked up at him, but once again, I couldn’t see what he was thinking or feeling. It was like I had lost the ability to see him.
“Jaxson, I’m not good for you. I’m so sorry I waited until now. I’m so sorry I did that with Chase. I’m so sorry I ruined you,” I cried.
I heard his deep inhale and then, “All I need to know is one thing, Danny. You answer this question and I need you to answer with the truth, because I think I deserve that much,” he said.
I blinked up at him and waited. I could hear my own heart pounding in my chest as I waited for him to speak again.
Jaxson maintained a blank expression as he stared down at me. Not moving closer, but not moving away either.
“Did you dance with Chase, because you are trying to push me away or because you wanted to?” he asked just as eerily calm as ever.
I stared at him. I thought about his question. I thought about the truth. In fact, there was a million different things running through my head, but then I centered on one response.
And it crushed me.
“I…. did it,” I froze as my voice cracked and more tears fell, “I did it to push you away and because I wanted to dance with him,” I finally said.
Jaxson nodded as if he already knew the answer.
“I’m so sorry, Jaxson,” I said as he looked away from me.
“That’s all I need to know,” he said and then started walking back toward Twisted.
I closed my eyes as the tears fell even harder and stayed that way. I didn’t go after him and I didn’t call his name, because I knew he deserved better than me.
I knew it was time to let him go, because I couldn’t be the person he had fallen in love with. I couldn’t be that girl. I wasn’t that girl anymore and I have always known that. I had been selfish with Jaxson and it had ruined him, something I had always known would happen. There was no way to fight fate and that was something I had learned with Brody.
I loved him, but my demons refused to let me love him enough.
I don’t know how long I sat there on the cold, dirty pavement before Ray came to find me. She didn’t say anything as she sat down beside me, both of us staring off as if it were the only thing we could do. I wasn’t sure how long we sat in silence before she finally spoke.
“Let’s go home,” she said.
I nodded. I couldn’t even speak at this point. My body had quit trembling and the tears had dried up, leaving nothing behind. Not even the slightest bit of strength.
I was drained completely.
In a daze, I got into the passenger side of the car and stared out the window as Ray pulled out of the parking lot, all the while watching Twisted disappear behind us.
*
The alarm blared next to me, but I hadn’t even fallen asleep. I rolled over and shut it off. My eyes stared blankly at the wall of Miles’ bedroom.
“You awake?” I heard Ray ask from where she laid beside me in their bed.
“I haven’t been asleep,” I said.
“Me either,” she responded.
After leaving Twisted last night, everything had been pretty much a daze, but I could remember stopping at Jaxson’s house only long enough to grab some of my things and the clothes Ray had brought over there. She had done all the hard work for me and I didn’t have to go inside. I wasn’t sure I could walk through that door again without having a mental breakdown.
If I hadn’t had one already. I was so lost, so confused. But I did know one thing for sure, one thing I couldn’t forget even I tried to.
Jaxson and I were over.
Just like that, everything was over.
I took a deep breath as the realization hit me. My eyes felt swollen from all the crying and my head felt like it could explode, but it was my heart that felt the most pain.
“Danny?” Ray said.
I slowly rolled over until I was facing her. Miles had a king size bed, so we had plenty of room to move around, but like sisters do, we stayed close. She had her head rested on a pillow as she gazed at me with so much sadness in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” she said.
I looked down and started playing with the nice thick black blanket Miles had on his bed. “It is my fault. I made the choice. I pushed Jax away, and the worst part is that I wanted to dance with Chase,” I admitted.
I felt the ache inside my chest at my own words. How can I be so selfish? How can I admit to willingly breaking Jaxson’s heart?
I was a horrible, horrible person.
Ray sighed heavily, but she didn’t respond. She knew me, and she knew I wasn’t lying. I didn’t have to ask her what she thought about it. I knew she didn’t agree with me, but here she was, keeping me halfway sane anyway.
“Well, on to a new subject, my mother’s wedding is this weekend, which means we have to find dresses, or she might actually beat us,” she said.
I laughed once. The sound was strange to my ears, because after last night, it felt so wrong to laugh. As if nothing that had happened mattered anymore.
It mattered so much.
“Ha! You laughed,” Ray teased.
I reached up and shoved her with my hand. She laughed, but she didn’t shove me back. A slow smile crept across my face then, because it was these tiny moments when it was just us again that made me feel like everything was going to be okay.
Ray moved back into place, “We are going shopping. I have to be at work in a few hours, but we can so go tomorrow.”
I cringed. “Yeah…. I’m not sure I’m up for all that.”
“Too bad. We’re both stuck going to this damn wedding, so we need the dresses,” she said and then rolled onto her back, “I would much rather avoid it too, but I know I won’t be able to.”
I sighed heavily, because she was right. Her mom had made us both bridesmaids, so that meant we both had to show up dressed to the nines.
“Well, I hav
e to work tomorrow, but I get off at four, so I can go afterwards,” I said.
She leaned up and took a deep breath, “Good. I have to go get ready. I hope you don’t mind if I borrow your car to get to work since mine is, you know, not here.”
I knew what she meant. Her car had been left at Jax’s, because I had been an emotional wreck and she didn’t think it was a good idea for me to drive.
I shook my head, “No worries.”
She laughed as she stood up and walked across the room, “You didn’t really have a choice,” she said before closing the bathroom door behind her.
I smiled, but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. While Ray had been around, it was easy to keep my mind off of last night, but when she wasn’t, it was all I could think about.
I stared at the bathroom door until I heard the water turn on and then I closed my eyes. It wasn’t long before my body seemed to like the idea of sleep. I could feel my muscles starting to relax as I fell into a deep, endless sleep.
Chapter Eleven
Miles
Mia was right when she had said the next few days were going to be long. They had been. After the night on her porch, I hadn’t slept at all and we had spent all day Monday getting shit ready for her brother to come home.
I didn’t sleep very well last night either, especially after Ray had refused to answer my call again. I had no idea when she was going to talk to me, but it had to be soon, or I was going to lose my fucking mind. I laid in the bed of the extra room at Mia’s as I stared up at the ceiling, mulling these thoughts over in my head.
Ray might not realize it, but I was counting the days until I could see her again. All I had to do was make it through tomorrow and then I could head back, maybe fix it in person if she hadn’t had divorce papers drawn up by then. I took a deep breath and rolled onto my side. All I really wanted to do was hold her and tell her that I loved her. I wanted to make sure she knew I was still here for her.
It didn’t matter how much distance was between us or how much my old life wanted to break me, we had been through so much, and I wasn’t about to give up on it.
After everything, I couldn’t lose her. It had taken me months to figure out that she was my savior and I needed her, but now that I had her, I only feared losing her.
And my dumbass taking off didn’t help that particular fact. I knew I was doing the right thing by helping Mia with her brother, but I also wasn’t an idiot and I knew Ray probably didn’t think that at all.
I heard a knock at the door and answered without turning over to face it. “Yeah?”
I knew it was Mia as I heard the door swing open. “Miles? Are you busy?” she asked.
It was then that I rolled over onto my back and turned my head to see her standing just inside the room as if she thought she couldn’t come any closer. “No, why?”
She sighed. “I have some news.”
Great.
I leaned up and put my back to the headboard as I waited for whatever it was that she needed to tell me, and judging by the look on her face, I knew it couldn’t be good.
“What is it?” I pushed.
Mia started wresting her fingers around each other and I knew that she did that when she felt guilty for something. “Uh, well, you know I said Derek is coming home tomorrow?” she asked.
I nodded, but a dreadful feeling settled over me.
“Well, I just heard that they had to move it until Friday,” she said.
Fuck.
That was my first thought.
My second?
Ray.
“Fuck,” I said out loud this time.
Mia gave me a sad look, “I know, I’m so sorry. I had no idea they were going to postpone it.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said.
She nodded and then finally walked into the room until she could take a seat on the edge of the bed, “I know, but I feel bad. I know you have Ray waiting on you to get home.”
She was right. I did, but fuck, I still wanted to help. From the look on Mia’s face, I could tell that she just assumed I would head back to Georgia and as much as I wished I could, I couldn’t. Not until I fixed this or at least tried to fix it.
“I’m staying,” I said.
She looked up with surprise, “But, what about Ray?”
I shrugged. “I’ll just have to explain it to her. That is if she ever answers my phone calls.”
That guilty look crossed her face again and she dropped her gaze, “I feel so bad. I feel like this is all my fault and I don’t know what to do about it. I mean maybe if I explained things to her?”
“No, it’s my place to talk to her. Not yours. You don’t have to explain anything,” I said.
She nodded, but I could tell there was more she wanted to ask. I waited, but she just simply stared at the ground as if it were going to ask me for her.
“Mia?”
“Yeah?” she answered without looking at me.
“What is it?”
“It’s just, don’t you feel guilty for not telling her…. everything?” she asked.
Fuck yes, I did. I didn’t tell her this, but I knew exactly what she meant by “everything” and I felt like a total piece of shit for not being upfront with Ray about that tiny bit of detail. Yes, Mia and her brother were from a part of my past that Ray didn’t have to know every single detail about, but she deserved to know the truth when it came to Mia.
“Does it matter?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No, it’s just…. I mean….”
“I know exactly what you mean, and I’ll tell her, but not right now,” I said.
“Ok,” Mia said, and I knew that was the end of it.
I took a deep breath and leaned my head back against the headboard. I closed my eyes and tried to come up with the best way to tell Ray everything.
Even the part Mia was referring to, but nothing came to mind. And that was because there was no good or easy way to do it. I just had to get it done.
Fuck my life.
“Well, I’m going to make some dinner. I’ll leave you alone, so you can rest,” Mia said after a moment of silence and then stood up.
“Ok,” I said as she smiled and then headed out the door, closing it behind her. I sat there for what felt like fucking forever until I finally pulled my phone out of my pocket. I unlocked the screen and scrolled down until I found Jaxson’s number. I knew the best way to check up on Ray if she wasn’t going to answer my calls was to ask him.
I trusted him. He was my brother, even if we weren’t blood related. I felt like I had grown up with him rather than only meeting each other when I first started working at Twisted. We had gone through some major shit together.
I dialed his number and put the phone to my ear as I waited for it to start ringing. It rang once and then twice. On the fourth ring, I thought about hanging up when he finally answered.
“Yeah?”
Damn, even through a phone speaker, I could hear the exhaustion in his voice.
“Dude, you sound like shit,” I said and then stood up. I walked over to the window and pulled the curtain closed, so that the sunlight wouldn’t get in.
“Thanks, nice to hear from you too,” he said.
“You know why I’m calling,” I said.
He took a deep breath, “Yeah, I know. And she’s fine, but she’s not staying at the house anymore. Her and Danny are back at your place.”
I paused. What the fuck?
“What?” I asked.
“Yep,” he said as if that single word answer explained shit.
And it did. Kind of.
“What the fuck happened?” I asked as I sat on the edge of the bed.
I heard something on the other end. Like he was moving and then he came back on, “A lot of shit I don’t want to get into right now. I’m not even sure I’ve processed it all yet. Don’t worry, I’ll still watch over Ray. It just might be a little harder to do now,” he said.
“Damn, I don’t even know what to sa
y man. I’m sorry.”
Jax exhaled heavily, “Don’t worry about it. You have way more important shit on your plate. Like when the fuck are you coming back?”
I closed my eyes and reached up to rub my forehead where I felt an ache beginning to start. “Yeah, about that. I was supposed to be done with this shit tomorrow, but it got moved to Friday,” I said and dropped my hand as I opened my eyes again.
“What shit? You haven’t told any of us a fucking thing,” he asked.
“I know,” I said, but I didn’t answer his question.
Jax sighed heavily, “Alright, whatever man. I’ll watch out for your girl, but you are going to have some serious explaining to do when you get back. And don’t even ask me to tell Ray that you aren’t coming back this weekend. I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole,” he said.
“And I don’t expect you to. If you do see her, can you tell her to at least answer my fucking phone call, so I can explain shit to her?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’ll give her the message whenever I see her,” he said.
“Thanks man.”
“Yeah….”
I pulled my eyebrows together. There was something off, I wasn’t an expert on Jaxson, but I knew him well enough to know when some shit was up.
“What are you not telling me?” I asked.
He was silent for so long that I was sure he had hung up, but then he answered. “There’s nothing I’m not telling you,” he said.
Like our last conversation when he had said I couldn’t bullshit my way through him, he couldn’t bullshit his way through me. I knew something was up other than what I had learned about Danny not staying there.
My gut feeling told me I should call him out on it, but I forced it aside. I would find out when the time was right, and now wasn’t the time.
“Alright,” I said evenly.
“Alright, well I’m going back to sleep, so I’ll talk to you later,” he said.
“Later,” I responded before we hung up. I dropped my phone onto the bed and looked at the wall as all of it came flooding over me.