Thoughts about Rohan circled all through me, through my veins, through my bones. I heard my heart beat whispering ‘Die, die, die..’ It thundered within me and rained through my eyes. I secretly wiped the tears that crawled through my cheeks.
Dad stood up from the chair with his plate still not emptied even a bit.
‘What happened Meera?’ he said as he marched towards me.
Before he could reach me San came to my rescue. ‘It is Spicy, too spicy!’ San faked a hick-up.
My mom rushed to pour me some water.
‘Is it too spicy, Meeru?’ she asked affectionately, forcing me to drink water.
Even water didn’t drip a little inside my throat. I struggled hard to gulp it down. Santhosh caressed my back and said ‘Please relax.’
My dad went back to his plate and sat down.
They were like that, too affectionate. I was the center of the house. I was the spotlight of their life. Dad, mom and San loved me immensely.
‘Meeru darling, we have got a surprise for you tomorrow.’ Dad said with a naughty smile as though he was hiding something that I earlier hadn’t known.
I did not react much but stared at him, mutely. San kicked my leg and I regained consciousness.
‘What’s it dad?’the pain of bringing a happy tone when you are so miserable was quite dreadful.
‘We have found a guy for you. We will announce your wedding at San’s birthday party.’ He said as mom giggled.
I did not make any effort to raise my head.
‘She is feeling shy. I can already see the marriage shyness in her.’ My mom continued giggling.
Santhosh held my hand with a ‘I-am-there-for-you-always’ look.
‘Are you happy Mee?’ dad asked.
I couldn’t do anything more than nodding. Even that was a big deal for the moment.
‘One more big surprise lies waiting for you, about who the guy is. I am sure he will take care of you very well. I won’t let you know who it is till I announce it to others. I have had a bet with your mom that my daughter will trust me in every decision I take for her. Won’t you?’ he asked expecting a little more drama from me.
‘Yes dad. I trust you.’ I said feebly. I stood up and walked away from the table leaving them to think that I was shy to continue on the topic.
~
Present:
‘So, the doctor my dad wanted me to marry is Ashruth. But he says I loved him? Is there any chances for it or, is he taking an advantage of my memory loss? As he said, maybe I am a blank paper and he is trying to write in it first, the way he wants my life to be.
I am sure I wouldn’t have liked him even a wee bit. I would have nodded just for dad and before I could tell him I hated Ashruth, I must have lost my memory.’ I thought, clarity surfacing in my mind. I just had to read the diary further to ensure that I was right or not.
Anyway, I will have San to support me regardless of whatever I decide to do next. I felt close enough to call him San. I felt like I had lived with him the life I had read about in my diary.
‘I had liked him in the past and I really like him in the present too.’ I smiled to myself.
I continued reading.
8: Stirring the confusion
Past:
The rest of the day I spent in finding a way out of this painful existence. I wanted to end it but when shall it happen was the question. If I die now, I am sure that it will put dad to shame. He will think that his decision of getting me married to the guy he had chosen has made me decide to kill myself. He will never excuse himself and consider himself a murderer all through his life; I know my dad well. Let me make him believe that I am happy with his decision by attending the party tomorrow with a wide smile put up on my face throughout. Once it gets over let me jump down from the terrace, fake it like an accident, and end my life. It will definitely look more like an accident than a suicide. Moreover, I don’t want to die on my San’s birthday. He has always been a great strength to me. He has sacrificed everything he could only for my happiness. If I die on his birthday, my death will throw him to guilt and endless sorrow all his life.
My dear Clara,
From the day I started writing diaries till now you have been with me through my ups and downs. But I will be burning you to ashes before I leave this world, just like I do at the end of every year. I don’t want anyone to know the secrets we have shared all through our lives.
Present:
‘Does that mean I would have burnt all the previous year’s diaries?’
I closed my eyes tight and tried thinking about that day. All I could remember was fire; fire all over.
‘How did I lose my memory?’ the most important question had been looked over by me so far. A sudden realization of how stupid I had been for not even thinking about this dawned upon me.
‘I must have jumped from the terrace, hit my head and lost my memory.’ I concluded convincingly.
A part of a storm, no idea where inside the ribs it had been hiding itself so far, escaped my nostrils. I felt lighter than before. The thirst in me to read further subsided a little. Knowing well what was going to happen, suspense having been unfolded, mystery known in prior, the diary did not seem so attractive to me now. Still there were two logical flaws with my conclusion. One, I must have burnt the diary before the flopped suicide attempt. Two, if I had lost my memory on the day after San’s birthday I should have stopped writing in the diary but the diary had its pages filled for the next several months after my supposed suicide. My curiosity was aroused again. Mr. Confusion grabbed my neck giving a nasty villain laugh. The cyclone that had escaped previously, rushed back into the inside of my ribs, almost making them fragile.
‘Is there no end to confusion in my life? The only solution to this problem would be to patiently read the diary without drawing any conclusions half way. If I were Ashruth, the doctor, I would have mercy killed myself.’ I worriedly picked the diary and forcefully turned the page from where I had left.
~
Past:
The day of disaster dawned. It was Santhosh’s birthday. He must have surely got disappointed for I had not wished him at midnight, like I did every other year. I hadn’t got him a gift this year but the only thing I had to do was to leave him forever by tomorrow. I quickly unzipped my laptop bag and pulled out the laptop. I googled and landed finally on a page that was engaged in taking orders to deliver gifts instantly around the area. I thought it best to gift San with something which will remind him of me forever. I picked a costly wallet and made a note to be attached to it wishing him a happy birthday.
I was still not satisfied with the gift I had chosen.’ This is the last time I am going to gift him so it must be very special, something that reminds him of me, always.’ I thought with tears in my eyes.
I glanced through the photos we had taken together all these years. An idea struck my mind. I ordered for a wall size collage of the photographs that we had taken together. I thought I will somehow sneak into his secret-room and hang it on his wall.
Santhosh had never allowed any of us to enter his room, even by accident. He kept his room locked up whenever he stepped out of it. He has never let even me inside his room for the past 3 years. He cleaned it himself, he dirtied it himself. We never hindered in his privacy nor did we question about it. Dad respected his privacy and also trusted whatever he did.
‘Today was the chance to know the big secret that’s hiding in his room as I will never have a chance later.’ I thought to myself.
Few hours passed. My gifts arrived. I ran to his room carrying them. It was half past noon but he was still inside his room.
‘Amma, Santhosh ayya was awake till 4 in the morning. His friends had come home to give him a big surprise and wish him today. That’s why he is still sleeping.’ An old maid who we considered a part of our family said.
‘For me, Santhosh is never busy or tired.’ I said with that pride of being close to San. San had never refused to attend my calls or meet
me even if it was midnight.
I knocked the door and shouted ‘San, It’s pretty urgent. Need to talk .It’s Mee-emergency ’
He always called my childish cries to reach out to him at odd hours as Mee-emergency. I loved it. But tomorrow was going to be the real Mee-emergency.
The very next minute the door opened and San popped out of the room. He carefully locked the door behind him and slid the key inside his pocket. I tried hiding the big poster behind me but I couldn’t help growing taller to hide it above my head.
‘What’s it darling?’ he asked as he tried to snatch it from me.
I couldn’t win over his might. He got it from me and rolled it open onto the floor.
‘Wow..!.’ We said in unison. He was truly amazed and so was I.
‘You like it?’ I asked.
‘Very much my dear.’ He hugged me and kissed my forehead.
‘Then you don’t like this is it?’ I faked a frown, as I showed him the other gift .
He opened it in a jiffy and again said ‘Wow!’ and planted a huge kiss on my cheek.
I saw the smile that was lost the moment he saw tears in my eyes, appeared again.
‘Go get ready for the party dear. Happy birthday. Sorry I slept off last night.’ I said.
‘I was feeling bad to cut the cake without you, with the smile lost on your face. I couldn’t accept any gift from my friends wholeheartedly as I know my darling was sobbing in her room. I couldn’t avoid it either. I am sorry.’ He said.
He was always like that, just like my dad, I was his world. He undid my hair reminding me of Rohan. Rohan always fiddled with the hair that fell on my face, made it horrible and finally said ‘Sexy!’. I couldn’t forget anything that had happened between us. I had considered him my life and he was gone, so will my life be gone. I spent the afternoon thinking about different scenarios in which Rohan could come back. I even tried calling him, but he had blocked my number. I couldn’t take the sudden change in my life, though I was going to end it in a day. The dusk spread darkness in the city and also in my already darkened life. I had to wrap myself with glittering clothes. However grand my dress was the dullness and sorrow had cropped up in my face. I didn’t want anyone to have a clue about my sadness and accuse my father later. I had to paint off my sadness by the make-up I wore. I was all set to go down.
~
Present:
‘Meera, can you please open the door?’ Ashruth asked politely for the first time.
I couldn’t stop reading but I had to. It was like giving a kid a bowl full of ice cream and asking it not to eat it; most importantly forcing the kid to watch it melting rather than tasting it.
I snail paced to the door.
‘What’s it now?’ I asked.
‘Nothing. I just thought you’ll need coffee.’ He had a cup of coffee in his hands and a bowl full of smiles poured all over his face.
‘I don’t need anything. Can you please let me read it fully without any disturbance? I really want to read it fully today before I sleep. Please don’t disturb me this often.’ I said in a tone a little lesser than my usual agitated yell.
‘Ok. Sorry.’ He said and backed off.
I couldn’t pity him. I couldn’t even waste my time to analyze if I had hurt him or whether it was not courteous if I didn’t say sorry. I already had enough things to worry about. I was going to kill myself in the past. I was going to forget my past without letting my dad know about my dislike for marrying this pumpkin. I had to continue reading.
I had more pages written with the pen of my assumptions into the diary than the ink of reality. ‘I should have died’ I thought to myself and continued reading with the hope of the clock ticking a few hours before the door would open again.
9: Shut up, Ashruth
Past:
The party was arranged in our lawn and the entire area was soaked in party mood. There were bright and colourful decorations wherever I turned and the place was in magnificent bliss. There were decorative lamps, glittering dresses, expensive decorations, aroma, heat from the buffet tables and smiles all around. I saw San surrounded by his friends and laughter. Random friends came to me and made a formal conversation. I couldn’t get Rohan out of my mind. I couldn’t take the failure or disappointment. I had been cheated on and was hated by Rohan, my Rohan; the Rohan I had and still loved so much.
‘Hi Meer.’ A stranger came up to me. I just gave him a quick glance and turned my face down.
‘Don’t call me Meer.’ I said with an expression of disgust. Rohan called me Meer all the time.
‘Meer, my personal brand of Beer. I don’t have to drink it to go high, a look will suffice.’ Rohan always said in the most romantic way possible.
I still remember it, word by word. Everything lingered inside me. I heard nothing else for the next few seconds from the world outside the prison of my heart. Forlorn memories of his voice, his kiss, his hug swirled around me.Tears rolled down my cheeks and my parched throat gave a jerk.
I suddenly realized that I was amidst a big crowd with a mood to party. I had to hide the emotions bustling in my face. I consoled myself as it was the last day of pain, the last day of tears, my last day on earth.
I could hear the stranger still talking. I hadn’t given him a damn since I heard the word Meer entered my ears.
‘…You look very beautiful.’ He had a strong regional accent flavoring his English.
‘Excuse me. What?’ I was irritated.
‘You look sexy too.’
‘Enough.’ I shouted with an expression that could make the person who even stood far away to figure out that I was angry. San looked at me. He had to swing through the crowd to reach me but this guy did not stop.
‘I like you very much.’ he concluded.
‘Shut up.’ I cried, my anger getting the better of me.
‘I am…’ he was interrupted by San.
‘Any problem Mee?’ rushed in Santhosh.
‘Nothing. This bloody chunk of useless waste likes me, it seems.’ I felt inferior. I already felt terrible that Rohan chose another girl and called her better. Now, this short, dark and stout, not-so-likable, old man saying he liked me kindled my inferiority complex to a new high. It was to an extent that I could die just hearing those words than trying pills tomorrow. This guy was completely dressed in a clownish way with his red coat-suit, brown formal shoes for the party.
‘Have you seen yourself in a mirror? You are such mirror cracking material and you like my Mee? Who invited you for the party? Go away from here.’ San said, his tone rude.
Tears edged the stranger’s eyes. He was embarrassed to an extent of weeping hard. He couldn’t show his shame- strewn face to us anymore and so he walked away.
I had failed to realize that even ugly looking people had a heart. They also got offended when they were called ugly. I couldn’t think anything beyond my problems then.
‘What happened Mee?’ San asked noticing my tears.
‘Rohan called his new girl better than me by looks. I couldn’t take it. Am I not beautiful? On top of it this ugly looking idiot comes to me saying he likes me with his irritating blush. I feel broken.’ I opened up to him.
‘What’s ugly to us now, is beautiful to someone else or to us some other time. What’s beautiful to us now, is ugly to someone else or to us some other time. You found him ugly but he might look handsome to a girl who’ll fall for him later. In the same way, Rohan couldn’t see your beauty but someone else will surely find you beautiful, very soon. Why someone else, even I find you extremely beautiful.’ He tried to convince me.
‘No San. You don’t get the point. You always say something to convince me. Through your eyes I will look beautiful as you are so affectionate. But… I don’t think you are getting the point.’
‘I get it Mee. Listen, you look extremely beautiful and sexy with whichever pair of eyes I see you through. You don’t believe me right?’ he looked around with quick and sharp turns at each degree.
&n
bsp; He picked the rose from the vase on the table next to us and went on his knees and said ‘I will die to marry an angel like you any day.’
‘Shut up.’ It brought a smile on my face as I knew he was kidding me.
‘Die San, die now. Mee doesn’t want to marry you.’ He punched his heart playfully.
‘Shut up San.’
My dad called us from a distance and we had to wind up the drama right there.
We were all ready to cut the cake when he started to gather the party around closer.
‘First of all, my hearty thanks for your graceful presence this evening. Happy birthday to my dearest Santh…’ dad held his chest and fell down. It was all so sudden that we took few seconds to realize what had happened. Mom broke down in tears and laid him on her lap. San fanned dad and I removed his shoes. The stranger whom we insulted a while back came close to me and sat by my side. I was so broken and taken aback that I wanted to shoot him down.
‘Heartless moron.’ I shouted at him, pushing him aside. He was taking advantage of the situation.
He brought his hands to my dad’s head which went close to my body. I slapped him almost immediately.
He pushed me and said politely ‘Give way for some fresh air. Please move aside.’
He asked my mother to move aside, making dad’s head lie on the ground.
San couldn’t resist anymore. He grabbed the guy painfully and asked ‘Who the hell are you?’
‘I am a doctor. Please cooperate.’ He said as he started giving dad some first aid.
After a few minutes of pressing hard upon my dad’s chest and blowing into his mouth, dad was back to normal.
I couldn’t react fast enough to anything that was happening. I was so struck by shock and panic.
The crowd went back to partying after dad had announced that he was fine. They dispersed for dinner. The cake was still untouched by San as he was in no mood to cut it and celebrate. He was consoling me and my mom while we were still shocked with the situation that we were in, a few minutes back.
Just You, Me and a Secret Page 5