I couldn’t wait to complete the diary. I flicked through the remaining pages to know how many more pages were remaining. I sighed and continued to read, now with a greater speed.
Past:
I wanted to meet Ashruth immediately. I wanted to hug him, kiss him and tell him that I loved him. I knew this time he wouldn’t deny it. I went to dad and sought his permission to fly to Chennai, where Ashruth had his hospital. He owned the hospital and also practiced medicine himself, after his graduation from the medical school.
Santhosh insisted that he come along but I wanted to meet Ashruth in private. Santhosh even offered to take me to Chennai and stay back at the airport till I returned, but I denied. I did not want to trouble him. He even tried to convince me saying that he had a Barathanatyam dance program of his friend to attend and if he escorted me there, he could get an air ticket for free from dad. I was not convinced, as usual. I knew he was lying. I mean, San and dance programs, that too Barathanatyam, I just laughed out loud after hearing it.
Dad booked the ticket for me in a jiffy with a call to his secretary. I was packing up my case when mom came into my room.
‘Meera, I want you to be good when you are there. We will arrange for a grand wedding soon. Wait till then. I hope you understand.’ Mom said as fear spread all over her face.
‘Come on mom. We know our limits.’ I said as I admired myself in the mirror. I could understand mom’s concern. Can’t blame her; She’s a mom, after all!
‘Good. Happy journey, dear. I know my daughter will get to marry the best guy in the world.’ She said.
I hugged my mom. We had never felt so close ever before. I was my daddy’s girl always. But I had never been away from my mother. This was the first time. Mom had tears flooding her face.
‘Come on mom. I am no more a kid. I will travel safe and be back tonight.’ I said wiping her face.
‘Nadhiya, she will take care of herself. I will call Ashruth and ask him to pick her up.’ Dad came into the room.
‘No dad. Please don’t let Ash know about my trip. Let it be a surprise for him. I am also planning to buy a diamond ring to gift him. Transfer a lakh to my account dad.’ I hung the bag on my shoulders and walked to the door.
They did not move from my room.
‘Come out people. I want to lock my room.’ I said.
‘When did you start behaving like Santhosh?’ Mom asked. We all laughed in sync.
I walked to San’s room and banged the door hard. Santhosh came out and locked the door behind him. He was dressed so well as though he was going to travel somewhere.
God knows what’s hiding inside that room! I wouldn’t be surprised even if a tamed lion emerged from in there, one day. Stupid fellow.
‘Bye sweety. Call me once you reach there. Okay?’ he commanded.
‘Okay darling. Love you.’ I said. My mother’s face shrunk when I uttered ‘Love you’. She looked at San with a frown and San glanced back at her in guilt. I could understand that my mother had warned San not to call me or encourage me to call him ‘darling’ or say ‘love you’ anymore. I could relate this to why San spoke so much to me about our future apart from each other.
Anyway I had to leave. I was heading to meet Ashruth, my love. I was excited and I couldn’t wait to see him.
Clara, I am leaving you here at home because I’ll be back tonight!
~
Present:
There ended 2nd , February, 2010. I didn’t want to turn the page and go ahead. The proposal between Meera and Ashruth scared me more. I even wished that the proposal shouldn’t have happened in my past. I hoped that all the words in the diary get erased, along with my erased memory and I could start a new life with mom, dad and San. I closed my eyes for a minute and prayed in the darkness. My eyelids cracked open. I tilted my head down to the diary which was lying on my lap. I gathered some courage and turned the page to read about the disaster that had happened to me in the past.
‘What the hell? What happened?’ I was shocked and surprised both at once.
The page was blank. I turned page after page and to my surprise all of them were blank except for the lines and dates already printed before the diary must have been sold.
‘Have my prayers really come true?’ I wondered, startled.
‘Maybe I changed my mind and went back home. Maybe I had proposed to Santhosh. Anything could have happened. Why did I wish for the words to vanish? Damn! God, please bring back the words. Please.’ I prayed to darkness.
I took a few seconds and a few more deep breaths before I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes and looked up, straight and did not even try to look down at the diary. I was hoping that the words would come back into Clara. Finally, I made up my mind for another surprise of seeing the words back in the diary. I looked down.
‘What’s wrong? Why aren’t my prayers answered now?’ I flicked through the pages over and over again.
I prayed again. This time eyes closed tighter than before, squeezing my eyeballs with the lids; tightening the fingers that were crossed and bent over the back of each other.
‘Pleaaaaaaaaase..’ I stressed on the word.
I opened my eyes with all the hope I could muster in me to see my writings all over the diary again. This time I couldn’t resist a minute more. I tilted my head down and looked at the diary. There was nothing but blank pages in it again.
There was a short rap on the door and the door knob turned and clicked.
‘Wrong timing.’ I said to myself.
I knew that a problem bigger than the lost words from the diary was just a few steps away, behind the door. I was sitting with legs lifted like a mountain before me and the diary laid on my lap. I was reclined on the two pillows piled on to the edge of the bed. I quickly pulled down my long skirt that was lifted till my knee and pulled up the edge of my shirt that had flown down well enough to reveal my hip. I made sure that I did not provoke Ashruth to come near me with that supposedly romantic look. Even the look was pretty irritating.
‘Hi Meera.’ He smiled wide assuming that it looked great on him.
‘Hi.’ I looked away when I put that forceful smile on my face formally.
‘I just wanted to check if you are done with the diary.’
‘What?’ I did not give a damn to what he said but the word ‘diary’ caught my attention.
‘I just wanted to check if you are done with the diary.’ He repeated with a voice slightly raised and stressed upon each syllable.
‘I am not deaf. But, yeah, I am to you alone. Nut case.’ I said to myself unable to justify why I hated him so much. He might be a doctor, a passionate human being, a national leader, a celebrity or whatever nonsense, to me he was still a …..(I gave it a thought) pumpkin. I smiled a little which the pump, sorry, the respected doctor Ashruth took as a smile that curved out of shyness and blush. I recollected what he had asked me and said ‘Yes, I’m done till what’s there in it.’ I lifted the diary open at 2nd, February, 2010 and shrugged.
‘Good. Do you want to know what happened after that?’ he asked with a tone people asked LKG kids if they wanted chocolates.
I wanted to say ‘Yes Ma’am’ but I just said ‘Yes’ and swallowed the ‘Ma’am’.
‘Can we do that after eating something?’
‘Now? No, thanks. Tell me the story.’ I demanded.
‘Go brush and come out for coffee.’ He just left the room.
‘He behaves with me as if I am nothing but a little kid asking questions that are meaningless and not worth the time. ’ I gritted my teeth and tightened my fist in anger.
I went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. Only when I looked into the mirror I realized that I had spent all night reading the diary and not slept even a minute. I gargled some water into my mouth and marched to the hall. My knees started aching and I started to feel weak. I struggled to walk even to the table. I sat in the chair pressing my knees and pursed my lips hard.
‘What happened Meera?’ Ashrut
h noticed.
‘Nothing.’ I said feebly.
‘You didn’t sleep the entire night?’ he asked with a smile.
‘How did he know that? Does he have a camera inside my room? Damn, how did I not think about this?’ I started thinking about all that I had done while reading the diary. ‘Was my posture right? Was I well- covered?’ I worried.
‘How did you know?’ I asked in a harsh tone.
‘You look weak. You have got dark circles around those beautiful eyes and you seem to have your knees hurt. I am a doctor Meera.’ He said circling my eyes with his index finger.
I was still as my mind was too busy battling with the idea of being spied by a secretly hidden camera. Then slowly he slid his finger to poke my cheeks. He moved them on my lips. The finger glided through my neck and went close to the first button of my shirt. I was still not conscious of what was happening. He started to undo the first button as he came close to me. He kissed my forehead as his hands brushed me. His breath was hot. He moved his face a little down to kiss my lips.
‘Thank god.’ I matched the words in my mind with the words through my mouth, as usual at the wrong time.
‘You wanted it so much Meera? You could have told me, right? You don’t have to wait anymore. I am all yours, take me. He lifted me on his arm. I tried to push him away but I was already weak and my power failed to battle his.
‘Put me down Ashruth.’ I said looking away.
He let me down that instant. ‘What happened? Did I not do it the way you want?’
‘My god! I did not thank god for that. I mean, I did not even dream of this.’ I knew he was seeing the Meera of my past in me. But I was not the Meera who had loved him, according to the diary. I was the new Meera; who carried no romance for him from my past.
‘We did it the same way last time. It’s all afresh in my memories. 2nd February. The day everything happened.’ He said as he put his arms on my shoulders and stood so close that there was just a centimeter’s gap between us.
My mind started doing the wrong thing- thinking. ‘Did I make love to this guy? Oh my god! Now what would I do if I had done that in my past. Him and me?? Me and him?’ I thought to myself and came back to standing between and under his arms.
‘What happened Ashruth? What happened on 2nd February?’ I held the collar of his shirt; it almost tore. Tears were flooding my face and I felt a huge lump in my throat.
He wiped my face and said ‘Relax, Meera I will tell you everything.’
He made me sit on the couch, placed a mug of steaming coffee in front of me and started narrating Meera’s story, my story.
15: Ashruth’s voice:
Ashruth started the story.
“After I had called your parents to inform them about our love I went to the best jeweler in the city to buy a gold ring to propose marriage to you. I was all set to express my love to you the next day, Meera. I did not sleep the entire night as I was too anxious. I practiced different ways to propose to you and slide the diamond ring into your sleek finger. I was afraid that I would make a clown of myself by not doing it the proper way. Hence, I browsed for videos on marriage proposals. I had never paid much attention to the kissing scenes shown in movies. I was scared that I would probably not be a good kisser. I even browsed for different kinds of kisses. Sorry if I sound stupid, but I did all that. I waited for the sun to sweep the darkness away. I acted and re-enacted the scene in my room. I kissed the pillow and rolled onto the bed with it. I was awaiting your call after you get to know the good news from your dad. I was all set to come to your hometown to meet you, the next day. The day dawned and it is still afresh in my memory, the 2nd of February.
Your dad called me the moment you had left for the airport. He asked me to act surprised when you reach here. He was scared that you were travelling alone. He asked me to call him the moment you reach here. I had cancelled all the appointments I had, except for emergencies and was waiting for you very eagerly. I made sure that I act surprised and see you smiling for surprising me. I locked the door and waited behind it eagerly.
Knock..Knock. You knocked the door. There was a short rap on the door and I knew it was you. I waited for a few moments to make it look casual. I waited till you knocked thrice. I opened the door making up my mind to show some surprise on my face. The moment I looked at you, I was truly surprised and awe struck. You looked amazing, Meera. The moment you looked at me you smiled. That gorgeous smile of yours is still painted in between my lashes. You were dressed in a black sari that complemented your complexion. Your hair was parted straight and let loose, a few strands falling onto your face. I couldn’t make out if the mascara adorned your eyes or your eyes adorned the mascara. Your lips were painted in pink and were seductive. The way they parted to show your milky white teeth, gave me a few heart breaks. You wore an expensive diamond necklace close to your neck; it failed in the battle of glitter with your neck. My vision glided through your neck but before I could absorb the rest of the beauty below, you asked me ‘Ash, can’t you let me in?’
Before I could give way, you slid through the gap between me and the door; brushing me a little with your ‘you-know-what’. You did not behave like you were here for the first time. You picked the remote and said ‘Look at the volume. Noise pollution.’ You lowered the volume.
‘Why is the flower vase here? Isn’t the dining table meant for eating? Or do you eat flowers?’ you laughed and placed the flower vase on the tea table in front of the couch. Look, it’s still there on the tea table; the way you like it.
‘Why is the hall so dark? I hate darkness. It should be bright in the mornings and pitch dark in the nights.’ You parted the curtains. I still follow that. You brought brightness into my life Meera.
‘Where is my kitchen?’ you commanded and went to the kitchen. When I followed you, you warned me to stay away. I waited on the couch wondering what you were doing to me and our house. I admired you from this couch; you were making tea in the kitchen. I could see just a part of you busily humming away. The wind helped me by swaying your saree, revealing your curves. You were perfect; like a doll; like a pristine statue. Your hip, which was sandwiched between the blouse and the sari, looked milk-white. I couldn’t take my eyes away from you. You caught me staring but did not scold. You continued to make the tea and I continued to admire the smooth and sleek waist of yours. I wanted to feel them with my hands. I couldn’t control myself anymore. I stood up and walked up to you. I slowly put my hands on your waist from behind. ‘Meera’ I kept saying. You turned to my side and hugged me tight. I carried you to the couch and dropped you right in the place where you are seated now. You came close to me; I could feel your hot breath on my lips. I couldn’t resist my urge to kiss you. I kissed you for the next few seconds. The stench of the cigar I had smoked sometime back kept bothering you. You strictly ordered me to quit smoking. I don’t and won’t smoke, Meera. Then you gently shifted on my lap and ran your fingers through the hair at the back of my head. You thrust my face into your neck and I kissed you all over your neck. There was a beautiful chemistry that unfolded between us, Meera.
Then we shifted to the bedroom and made love, Meera; we made love! Lying by my side, under the blanket that covered the two of us, you spoke about our kids. You said you wanted a boy and a girl. You slept on my chest for some time and I admired the sleeping you. You suddenly said that you wanted to sleep by my side and wake by my side every single day. It was the most beautiful day of my life Meera” That horrible smile was spread on his face.
‘I had made love with him? With HIM? Oh NO! Now what should I do?’ I thought to myself. Before I could think further, he continued.
“I apologized for what had happened but you refused my apology. You said ‘What’s wrong? We made love. To me, we were married the moment I fell for you. Is it so wrong for couples to make love? If people had thought so, we wouldn’t have been born.’ You told with a romantic smile on your face. You were right Meera. What’s wrong in making love? It wasn
’t sex, it was love. We are going to get married and we were sure of getting married back then too.
I had forgotten about the ring, losing myself to your beauty. I ran to the room and brought the beautiful ring. I asked you to stand and close your eyes when I brought the ring. I went on my knees, opened the heart shaped ring case and asked you to open your eyes. The moment you saw the ring, I could see extreme happiness flooding your eyes. You gave me one of those beautiful heart attacks I usually experience when I see you smiling. I miss your smile very badly these days, Meera.
I held my hand out and you placed yours gently on it. I slid the ring into your sleek, soft fingers. I stood up and kissed you on your forehead and finally said ‘I love you Meera.’
I love you the same way even now.
You also told me those three words. You picked your bag and dug in. You took a beautiful pink, rose like velvet box out of it, went on your knees like me and opened the box. It had a platinum ring. You did exactly what I had done. You asked for my hands and slid the ring into mine. You got up and kissed me on my cheek. You said ‘Why should only guys do all this?’ I loved that attitude of yours, Meera. See, this is the ring. I never remove it from my hand. It’s always with me, just like you are.
From then till now, I have not left a single second pass without thinking about you. You refused to get back home in the flight you had booked. You wanted to spend some more time with me. I was the one who forced you to go back. That was my mistake. I am the reason for your state now, Meera. Will you forgive me for that?” He wept sorrowfully.
‘Why? What happened after that? How did I lose my memory?’ I asked him not realizing that he was sitting so close to me with his arms around my shoulder. He wiped his eyes and continued with a wide smile.
“I called my favorite restaurant and booked a table for lunch. We quickly drove to the restaurant. I passed the key to the valet and ran to open the door for you. The beauty of pearl inside oyster shell was a complete failure in comparison of you coming out of the white car, fully dressed in black. We reached the table booked for us; a splendid corner table it was. You sat opposite me, making me feel already full. Our eyes met and stayed glued for the rest of the time we were there. After lunch it was time for us to go to the airport, you refused to go back home but I compelled you to board the flight; for I had a hospital to run to. And I knew that Nadhiya aunty won’t like you staying with me before our marriage. I dropped you at the airport and came back home.
Just You, Me and a Secret Page 9