‘Oh my god! Where did Ashruth go?’ I had suddenly realized.
I went running to the door to ask mom before she could descend down the stairs.
‘Mom, where has Ashruth gone?’ I asked shouting to reach my voice to her ears.
Mom stopped at the stairs and turned to my said. ‘He has flown back to Chennai, dear.’
‘Why?’
‘He can’t stay with you always, my girl. He has work to do, he is a doctor. Wait for a month and you can be with your lover boy always. Now just go to sleep and dream about him.’ She smiled and blushed instead of me.
‘OKAY.’ I said and went into the room, shutting the door.
‘He isn’t here. Thank God. He is a complete disturbance.’ I spoke to my reflection in the mirror. There was a huge mirror with a beautiful frame, adorning the wall.
‘Isn’t it boring to be without Ashruth’s nagging and stupid smile?’ I asked the mirror.
I kind of missed him but my ego did not allow me to accept that. ‘He did not even speak to me and acted so weird the entire day, the entire journey. He went back without even informing me. How mean?’ I said to myself.
‘Let him go. I hate him anyway. His stupid smiles and nonsensical romantic looks…YUCK!’ I made faces at my mirror image.
‘He was a little sweet and a poor guy, he had to put up with me all along. Stupid, sweet pumpkin. But how can I marry him just because I pity him? I need to follow my heart. I don’t like him. I can’t marry him. But my parents, the ones who I call mom and dad, have fixed my marriage with him. So do I have to marry him just for that?’
‘No’ the reflection in the mirror said.
‘I had made love with him so should I marry him?’ I again asked my reflection.
‘Not at all.’
‘I don’t love him at all; not even remotely. Should I marry him?’
‘No. No. No.’ the reflection yelled at me.
‘The maid says I had been in love with Santhosh and it was mutual. Is that true?’ I asked hoping for a yes.
‘Maybe.’ The mirror image said.
‘I still feel attracted to San’s looks and his character and attitude from what I had read from the diary, my diary. Does that mean I had been in love with him and is this feeling just a carryover from my past?’
‘Maybe.’ I answered it myself.
‘Why did the maid shush herself when mom came into the room? Especially when she was talking about my love story with Santhosh? Were we in love and were we compelled not to marry each other? But there is no trace of such stuff in my diary.’
My brain pulled my eye lids closer and blanketed my eyes to give me peace.
~
17: Santhosh and I, in my room
I woke up hearing someone banging on my door. The sudden, unexpected disruption gave me a severe headache. I pressed my head with my fingers and shouted ‘Coming…’ Still the person at the other side of the door did not bother to stop banging. The frequency and the intensity of the bangs sent some fright into my nerves. I quickly paced to the door and opened it. A man fell on me and hugged me tight before I could see who he was. I tried to push him away but he was physically stronger.
‘You are back, my dear. Meera, my dear, you are…. BACK..’ his voice did not sound stable and I could smell strong alcohol in his breath.
‘It must be Santhosh.’ I thought.
‘Santhosh…’ I called out to make sure, still trying to push him away. I wasn’t able to bear the stench that he spread all over the room.
‘Yes my sweetheart. Me, your Santhosh! San with a broken heart.’ He said and started mumbling something. He let me loose of his grip and went into the room. He sat on the bed and gestured me to come closer.
‘Come. Come here. Sit here.’ He tapped, near him, on the bed on which he was seated.
I did not move. He was smart. The first sight of him sent something like a current wave through my nerves. I felt a disturbance in my lower abdomen. Strange happiness filled all over me. He was tall, pale skinned, had no mustache and was well built; broad shoulders, good biceps, arms and his brown eyes pulled me to him like a magnet. I was already walking towards him before I could realize I was walking. I did not think it to be love but I was certainly attracted to him; I badly wanted to meet him, talk to him as I felt close only to him after reading the diary. I was already sitting near him with his arms around my shoulder and his other hand holding a shining wine case. What the touch of a man a girl loves could do to her, is a poetry in itself! I was looking at him, at his eyes, but my mind was focused on just the few centimeters his hand was placed on me. I could observe even the movement of blood through his veins under his skin; so focused.
‘My darling is back. I have someone to cry to. I had been longing to tell you everything Meera. Everything!’ He said and sipped wine. He said what I wanted to say as though it was a play and the dialog papers had got mixed up. I did not speak a word.
He rested his head on my shoulder and said ‘Love hurts Meera!’
‘Yes it does, even if it is forgotten.’ I said.
He grasped the melancholy in my voice and asked ‘What happened to you Meera?’ he raised his head and looked at me; his hand still around my neck.
‘Nothing.’ I just hid the sorrow in my eyes with a curve in my lips.
‘Oh….okay..’ he disappointed me. I wanted him to look beyond my smile and ask me what happened again. I wanted to cry to him. I wanted to know if he loved me. I badly wanted a way out of the marriage that was going to happen. I swallowed a few times and cleared my throat. I tried to bring his attention back to me but he was clearly lost in his thoughts. His vision was stuck on the door; it was obvious that he did not concentrate on what he was looking at, but only on what he was thinking about.
‘What’s wrong with you, San…. thosh.’ I quickly made the San into Santhosh as I was not sure if I could still call him the same way.
‘What? What’s wrong with me?’ he gulped down a little more of wine. He looked at me expecting me to continue the conversation. But I was a little confused whether to talk or not. If I talked what would be the topic that wouldn’t be offensive, I didn’t know.
‘You are……’ I stopped in mid-air.
‘What? Tell me Meera.’ He asked and kept the wine case on the bed and he folded his left leg. He was turned completely to my side now.
‘You are drinking San….thosh.’
‘What’s stopping you from calling me San?’ he asked losing his cool, suddenly.
‘You are drinking San.’ I looked away. I did not want to look at him.
‘Yes. I am.’ He lifted my chin with his right hand and made me look at him, straight into his eyes; his brown eyes. I was mesmerized. I forgot what I wanted to ask. A few seconds passed and I was completely lost in the shine of his eyes.
‘Meera? Darling?’ he waved his hand in front of my eyes bringing me back to the reality.
‘Yeah?’ I quickly changed my facial expression, hiding the sudden thirst that had developed in me for him. Even his hand, that was on my arm, created some distraction all over me. He drank alcohol, he is the one who should have been intoxicated, instead all those after-alcohol-effects happened inside me.
‘San, why did you start drinking?’ I asked a question and imagined him saying the answer that I had wanted to hear already, in my mind.
‘Love Meera. Love!’ He said.
‘You were in love too?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I was.’ and gulped down the rest of the alcohol in the case. He looked into the case, for any trace of wine, through the small opening. He shook it twice and turned it upside down, with his mouth wide open. Nothing reached his tongue. ‘Damn!’ he shouted and threw the case on the floor.
I was scared to utter a word after that. I sat quiet for a few minutes that followed. He fell on my shoulder and was already asleep. I tried to push him but he was too heavy. It felt strange but yes it did feel nice. Something inside me kindled my desire to feel his hair. I
ruffled the hair at the back of his head and ran my hand through it. I could feel his hot breath tickling the side of my neck. I enjoyed every second of it.
‘How stupid is it? Is this special feeling I am developing for Santhosh called love? But I hardly know him. What attracted me towards San? His looks? No. The incidents from the pages of my diary? No. Then what the hell is attracting me so strongly now?’ I questioned myself, for which, I did not find an answer. He was heavy and my shoulder started hurting. I tried to lower him to the bed.
He mumbled something. I tilted my head in a way my ears were close to his lips.
‘Meeraaa…’ he was saying continuously.
‘Yes, Santhosh. I am here. Meera is here.’ I said.
‘Deep love Meera. Deep…. Was my love.’ He said as he raised his hand uncertainly and drew something in the air.
‘I know Santhosh. I know it was deep. I am here. Your love is here for you. Look at me.’ I said as I tried to lift his face up.
His head glided through my body. The moment it crossed parts of me which it shouldn’t I involuntarily pushed him on the bed and stood up. I was, as a woman, a little terrified. But moments later, I thought about the way Santhosh had touched me without his consciousness and smiled.
‘Maybe this is love.’ I thought to myself. But I did not even go close to him till it was late in the evening. I stuck myself to the study table and admired him sleeping. I had no confusion or no other thoughts running in my mind. My thoughts were full of him. He had snatched my entire world away from me, all of a sudden.
A streak of light fell on my face as the door cracked open. I had not even realized that the room had turned pitch dark in the last few hours. My mom came and switched on the lights.
‘Why is San here? What happened to him?’ She ran to him and caressed the side of his face that was facing up. I did not know what to answer. I went close to them. Mom sat next to Santhosh and politely called his name out. He opened his eyes and shut it a few times. Finally, he opened it wide. I was sitting down to the height of the bed. He smiled at me and then raised his eyes to mom. He got up almost immediately and wiped his face.
‘Sorry aunt!’ He said, with guilt spread all over his face.
‘Did you eat anything at all?’ she asked with a motherly strict and concerned tone.
He smiled sheepishly and raised his eyebrow towards the wine case that was lying on the floor.
‘Again. Please San. Please for God’s sake leave this habit. Our Meera is back. Now, you have no reasons to be worried or to get drunk. Even the marriage is fixed, dear. Uncle can’t see you like this. I am telling a lie every time to cover this up, but how long can I? He must have already figured out that you drink every day.’ Mom said.
‘Uncle knows?’ he was startled.
‘I didn’t mean that but I am sure he must have got a clue. Meera’s marriage is fixed next month and if you drink who will help us with all the arrangements? Isn’t it your Meera’s wedding? The wedding you always wanted to celebrate with pomp? ’ She asked as she ran her fingers through his hair.
‘Yes aunt. I won’t drink anymore. My dear is getting married. I will do all the arrangements to make it the best wedding the globe has ever seen so far. What do you say, dear?’ He looked at me and smiled. I couldn’t smile back. I was still not sure of my entire past, his love story and my feelings for him.
‘What? You doubt that I can’t make it that grand? You doubt me because I drink so much these days? Don’t worry at all. I am there for you and only for you. Now smile.’ He pinched my cheeks wide to make my lips bend into a smile.
Mom rose from the bed and said ‘Come down kids. Dinner is ready.’ She walked out of the room warning us to come quickly.
‘San’ I called to him as he headed to exit the room.
‘Yes my dear and sorry for what happened. Did I trouble you much?’ he asked.
‘No.’ I said feebly.
‘Then cool. Come let’s go for dinner.’ He said holding the door open.
‘No wait. I want to know about your…’ I paused. ‘..love.’
He frowned. ‘I will tell you everything Meera. I anyway wanted to tell you everything.’
‘Tell me.’ I asked as I refused to move from the bed side.
‘Not now. Come down, have dinner and then we will know my sad love story.’ He smiled trying to hide the tears that rolled down his cheek. He gently wiped those tears making sure that he did not make it obvious to me.
‘Sure?’ I asked.
‘Yes. Sure. A hundred percent. Come now.’ He walked out of the room as I followed him to the dining table.
18: Finally, San opens up
We reached the dining table which was filled with an amazing spread of both vegetarian and non-vegetarian food. Though there were only less than twenty people even if I included the maids around, the food was made for fifty. I was confused whether I was missing something. I couldn’t take any more of confusion.
‘Are a few more joining us for dinner?’ I asked mom.
‘No, my dear. We weren’t sure what kind of food you wouldlike. I asked them to make everything they were good at making, tonight. Eat whichever food you like.’ Dad said.
‘You don’t know what I like?’ I was surprised. Parents are supposed to know what their child likes. I have been with them from childhood, they must know at least this.
‘Obviously we know every small likes and dislikes of yours. But your likes and preferences would have changed now right?’ he referred to the memory loss. Later realized he was not supposed to refer to it directly. So he manipulated his own sentence. ‘I mean the choices of kids these days keep changing. What they like today, they don’t like tomorrow. It’s natural.’ He said. He said that in general but to me it all meant about my liking for Ashruth in the past.
‘Okay.’ I couldn’t react further to it. I had better things to think about. Love. Marriage. Santhosh. Ashruth. A lot were there outside the dining table for me to handle and digest.
Dad stood near me as I sat in the center chair of the huge table. He started serving me food till my plate puked a little on the table. I was sure of the same happening to me, if I took it all at once. There were jangris, jilebis, laddus, gulab jamuns, murukku, vada, spinach, sambar, rasam, curd, butter milk, fruit juices, vegetable salad and my God! I couldn’t list them all.
I started eating one after the other. I felt the same way a stone-age man would have, after he had discovered spices for the first time in his life. Every bit I chewed, tasted new to me and I loved it. I kept eating for the next few minutes, forgetting who I was for another time. I understood that food can change the mood of anyone and food is the only solution to all the human problems.
Suddenly, I looked up from my plate in search of some salt.
‘What do you want Meera.’ Dad asked.
I looked at him and he was not eating anything. He was just sitting next to me, looking at me eating.
‘Why aren’t you eating?’ I asked.
‘He never eats before you do. He always admires you eating, only then his digestive system would work. It’s been the same since you were born.’ Mom said.
I immediately looked at Santhosh to know if he had practiced the same. I was curious to know and was expecting the same from him; just to know he loved me so much.
He was swallowing the Chicken 65, gulab jamun and all at the same time. He was dumping food into his mouth like it was the first and the last time he had found something delicious. I was a little disappointed, but then I convinced myself saying ‘Love and food can’t be related.’
‘You know Meera. Dad was always your best friend. You told him everything. No matter how tired he is, he used to sit with you and listen to all that you told him. Sometimes, even I had got bored of your school fights or college crush stories but he never was. Even if he goes on a business trip, he used to call you before every meal to check if you are fed. He loves you so much, Meera.’ Mom said as she served ice-cream to me.
‘Your mom was nothing less, Meera. She went on fasting whenever she could for your wellbeing. She had no other thoughts other than about you. She always made sure that things went on according to your wish.’ Dad said.
‘Yes Meera. You have got the best parents in the world and I have got the best uncle and aunt. In short, they are the best.’ Words found it hard to travel out of his stuffed mouth.
I understood that they were trying to tell me how much they had loved me and how much they still do. But I wasn’t able to relate to that. It was all suddenly injected in me- mom, dad, affection and ASHRUTH. I thought about him a moment prior to when the marriage talks had started at the table from someone I had not imagined to start that topic.
‘So when is the marriage uncle?’ Santhosh asked undisturbed.
I looked at him, forgetting even to chew the food that was already inside my mouth, with my eyes wide open.
‘We have fixed the wedding on 20th of next month.’ Dad said.
‘And we are not a bit worried when we have you Santhosh.’ Mom said.
‘Sure. I will take care of all the arrangements. Aunt and you sit back and enjoy your last few spinster days’ He made the quotes with his hands in mid-air. He was done with everything that was served in his plate and rose to wash hands. I was still pestered by mom and dad to eat more. I badly wanted to go to San to listen to the love story and clear the confusion that was eating me in quantities more than what I ate myself. Finally, the food dumping ceremony was done and I thought I was free to go to bed.
‘Meera, come here my dear.’ Dad took me to the hall and seated me on the couch near him.
‘Let’s talk. We talk every day in the night before you go to bed, dear.’ Dad said with a wide smile spread on his face.
‘Dad, I am too tired. Can I go to bed?’ I asked not bothering to look at his smile shrinking. I knew I was hurting him but I had bigger problems to tackle.
‘Sure. Sure.’ He paused. A few seconds of silence passed with awkwardness growing deeper within me. I rose and snail paced away from him. He sat still looking at me move. When I was about to vanish from his sight I smiled at him and he smiled back. Mom was nowhere to be seen and I assumed she will knock my door soon to say good night or to check if I was asleep. On my way to my room, I stopped by San’s room and knocked it softly. He came out and locked the door behind him.
Just You, Me and a Secret Page 11