by Robin Lovett
Her lips part, and her gaze goes to my mouth. “What?”
My heart pounds against my sternum, my pulse thundering in my ears. Biting her while I was in the throes of the desidre was… sacrilege but excusable. I was out of my mind with delirium, so I will not fault myself for it.
But my reason has returned. And yet I’m about to offer her my venom once more. I hold my breath to keep myself from saying it.
I have not bitten anyone since my mate died, and she is the only one I have ever bitten, the only one I have ever wanted to bite. Until Assura.
Her eyes are a warm amber, tinged with hope, the opposite from the guilt and shame she exposed last night. She’s been extraordinary in her fight to escape and in seeing my venom and all it’s given her as the gift for what it is. She is courageous, and determination runs through her veins thick as her blood.
The crimes she claims to have committed, she did because she was a slave to the demands of Dargule. There is more to her story than she has told me, and adding up all the truthful things I know about her, she is worthy of all the sacred venom I have to give.
But it is not about worth. It is about being my mate. Which she will never be.
For as long as Tiortan is in my memory, Attaching to one of the same species who killed her is impossible. Which means I have nothing to worry about. It doesn’t matter that my body has physically Attached to Assura, or that I have filled her so full of my venom she is becoming like me. My soul will never Attach to her. I am not saving her life. I will never have need to save her life because she takes care of herself. The final two stages of the Attachment will never happen.
I have nothing to worry about.
Biting her now is about restoring her strength so that we can destroy Dargule. That is all it means. I let go the breath I have been holding and continue, “My venom will help you heal faster.” My fangs are already descending past my lip, the venom pooling in my mouth at the thought of biting her again.
“In ten minutes?” she asks, breathless and staring at my fangs.
“Possibly.”
She lifts her chin, revealing the smooth flesh of her throat, the pulse of her vein in her neck. “Do it.”
My whole body crying out for the pleasure of biting her again, of feeling her mindless with the bliss my bite alone can give her, I grasp the nape of her neck and curl my other arm beneath her body. She is warm and soft in my hands, and I have a thought for getting her naked so that I can be inside her in nothing but her new Ssedez skin.
She clings to my arms and answers, “There isn’t time,” as though she can hear my thoughts.
She’s right.
I lower my head and slowly, drawing out the moment, sink my fangs into her neck. She cries out and clings to my head. Her body starts to writhe, as in orgasm. It’s almost the same and not the same.
For me, it’s not so much orgasm as a deep-seated satisfaction. A relief and a release, a fulfilling of the desire to keep her, to make her feel so good that she is incapable of leaving me for any other.
I hold her there, my lips sucking on her skin while my venom pours into her.
Her body eventually calms, falling into the pattern of the ecstasy of the bite and accepting it. When I fear I may have given her too much, that the pleasure may have incapacitated her, I detach from her vein.
She strokes my face, her fingertips trailing over my cheeks and along my jaw. “Thank you.”
My voice sounds hoarse, but I manage, “You’re welcome.”
Her gaze is filled with so many things, fascination, curiosity.
Affection.
It makes my heart beat faster. The part of my instinct that is Attaching to her screams, It’s working. She’s returning the Attachment.
I shut it down. It is impossible for her to return it physically, since no matter how Ssedez she may appear, she has not grown fangs as Oten’s Nemona did. Without them, Assura can never bite me and return my venom.
I force the knowledge onto my brain. Perhaps if I believe that strongly enough, it will reverse the desire I feel for this woman of boundless passion, unlimited skill, and formidable strength.
Her expression closes down, her momentary vulnerability going back to wherever she hides it. She sits away from me, testing her limbs. Satisfied she feels improved, she leaps to her feet and bounces from foot to foot a few times.
She smiles at me. “Better.”
“Good.” I clear my throat and stand, not wanting to look at her too much. She’s always been stunning, but with her new Ssedez qualities, she is so much like one of my own, it’s confusing my body even more.
My instinct to mate is now shouting about what beautiful Ssedez babies she would make.
I rake my fingers through my hair and groan. Stop. If I could excise my thoughts from my brain with a blade, I would. Must think casual.
I put my hands against the front wall of the cell, the clear plexiglass, and wish we didn’t have another twenty minutes to wait. Twenty more minutes locked up alone with her.
“Anewtan said something,” Assura says behind me with hesitation. “I didn’t think about it at the time. But…”
“What?” I snap and keep my gaze fixed on the wall.
“She said when your fangs come out, it means something.”
I stiffen, afraid she’s figured it out. Not that it would change anything, but I have no idea how she’ll react.
“It means you just want to fuck, right?” She presses me to answer. “It doesn’t mean that—like—”
I whirl on her and unleash all the conflict and frustration that’s been broiling in me since I met her. This is her fault completely. The entire damn mess. “It means my body has decided to start forming the Attachment for you, okay? Does that make you feel good?”
“No.” Confusion distorts her features. “What does that mean?”
I stalk toward her. “It means every instinct I have is telling me you’re my lifelong mate.”
Her mouth gapes, and I expect revulsion to come over her face. But it’s the opposite. “Oh, Gahnin.” Her voice is tender, and her expression is…
I can’t look at her.
A force so powerful it almost knocks me over rears inside my chest. She might return it. She has feelings for me. Compassion at least. Affection definitely. Possibly even love.
“No!” I shout at the wall. Love is irrelevant, because I cannot love her. No matter how the thought sets off explosive protests in my chest.
She walks behind me and puts a hand on my arm. “Is it permanent?”
“Not until I attempt to save your life by sacrificing myself.” Even then, it will be permanent only for me, not her. At least she will be safe from this misery.
Irony strains her voice. “Well, you’ll never need to do that, so don’t worry.”
As if that’s the worst of it. She has no idea how bad it is that it’s come even this far. I whirl and get in her face. “I was supposed to be in mourning for another hundred years!”
She gasps and steps back, guilt filling her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
Something breaks in me. Something that lets go of the flood of things I keep bottled up and never talk about. “She was pregnant.”
She jerks away. “Who?”
“My mate, Tiortan. When the Ten Systems blew up the civilian cruiser she was traveling on.”
Assura covers her mouth with her hands. “No.”
I have started. Why stop now? “We’d just found out. We had not told anyone.” I kick the wall, and the metal thunks from the impact. “I have only ever told one other person.” Oten, my commander.
“Why?” she whispers.
“Her death was painful enough for the family. They didn’t need to know we’d lost an unborn child, too.”
“Why tell me?”
The rest of the dam in my fury breaks. “Because you need to know why it is impossible for me to ever mate with you.” I cannot hold back my sneer.
The hurt that clouds her eyes would pri
ck at my guilt and my sympathy, if I did not know that my anger and hatred of all things human is justified.
“Because I’m human,” she whispers. “Because humans killed…Tiortan and your baby.”
I wince to hear her say it and have to hide my face. I should not have told her my mate’s name.
“I understand,” she says. “And I don’t blame you for it. You have every right to hate me.”
I lean my shoulder against the glass and do not look at her.
If I look at her, I might correct her.
Though I cannot love her, I am incapable of hating her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Assura
I scratch my hand across my chest. It’s a good thing he isn’t looking at me. I’ve never felt so hurt before, and I’m incapable of hiding it from my face.
To learn in the space of a minute that he feels a mating bond for me, he lost a child in the war, and he is disgusted by my humanity and my past actions all at the same time—
My heart feels like it’s been pounded flat then stuffed through a grater.
I stay huddled against the wall, staring at his back.
The worst part is the hope that flared inside me when he admitted his Attachment to me. I wondered for a moment what it would be like to live among the Ssedez. To live among a people who have never warred against themselves, who value their love for one another over any need to rule over other species.
To have a family.
I’ve never had one.
I was bred for the military by the Ten Systems. My parents were soldiers selected to procreate to make more perfect soldiers.
What must that be like to live among people who have chosen to be with one another for life? Who raise their children among them and take pains to protect one another?
What would it be like to live in such a place…with Gahnin? To never be separated from his constant sincerity and unwavering passion, or from his tenacious respect and quiet admiration? Or at least, I used to think he felt those things for me.
But hearing how much he has a right to hate me… I wonder if I imagined his respect, if it was ever real. If his attraction to me has ever been more than a biological demand to mate and an imperative to escape the pain of the desidre.
I murmur, wishing I didn’t care, “Have you always been this revolted by me? Was the only reason you ever touched me because your instincts and Fyrian’s atmosphere told you to?” I hold my breath.
“Yes.” His response is tight, as though forced from his throat.
It makes water fill my eyes. I wipe it away. My heart shreds, but I disconnect from the pain. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I ever felt more than physical attraction for him anyway. This is no time for sentimental bullshit.
We have a ship to commandeer.
The final gong goes off, the one that means the meeting has convened.
Numb to my emotional turmoil, I go to the latch on the cell door and hope the device Lennina left me does what I think it does.
I press the button, and a shock springs from my fingers, so powerful it melts the lock. The plexiglass door swings open. Gahnin moves in the corner of my vision. He’s following me. I don’t have to look at him to know it. I don’t have to see that look of disgust on his face again.
I snake my head out the door and look down the corridor. There’s a guard on each end. I don’t want to kill them. They’re no more responsible for the evils of the Ten Systems than I was. They’re just pawns, little better than prisoners, enslaved to the whim of Dargule.
I try for the lowest setting possible on the shock gun. The first shot isn’t powerful enough to reach the guard. He turns to see me.
“Your armor,” Gahnin says frantically behind me.
I grit my teeth, imagine saving his life—ignore the twinge of pain that thought causes me—and my skin sprouts the protective layer. The blaster shot the guard sends at me merely glances off me.
I turn the setting up on the shock gun one notch, and this time, the blast reaches the guard, and he falls, unconscious. I send the same shot at the other guard, and he goes down like a stone.
I race out of the cell, running full speed down the corridor, passing the cell block of all the other prisoners—each one whom I know intimately by name, body, and personality.
If we succeed, I can free them. My feet fly faster.
Or they do, until I have to stop. In front of Zeigan’s cell. The tired and beaten Ssedez lies in the corner on the floor, his body so lax, his skin so pale and his limbs so meager, I fear he’s dead. He resembles nothing of the formidable, golden Ssedez behind me.
I slap my palm on the glass and shout, “Zeigan!”
He stirs, and I breathe a deep sigh to see he is still alive. If barely. He turns his head and looks at us, his gaze hazy and delirious.
I reach frantically for the panel on the wall, the one with the controls to administer sustenance to the prisoner.
A small door opens on the wall of his cell, and Zeigan jerks awake at the sound. He’s been conditioned to know it means water. He drags his body over to the dispenser and drinks from the bottle that appears.
“We’ll come back for you,” I say through the door.
He sighs in relief. “Assur… Thank you.” His gaze widens on Gahnin, who is probably the first Ssedez he has seen since his capture over a century ago.
Gahnin echoes me. “We will return and free you.” His voice is choked, and I wish we had more time. But the Hades’s crew will be closeted in the hangar with Dargule for only a short period of time. Our window is limited.
I grab Gahnin’s hand. “We have to go.”
He agrees and follows me. We race to the end of the hall and stop behind the cell block door. There’s no way to see through it. We could open it and be meeting a trap. We could be racing into a horde of soldiers all holding Dargule’s new shock guns.
We could be walking to our deaths.
“You cared for him,” Gahnin whispers.
I glance at Gahnin, both of us breathing hard. “I shouldn’t have stopped by his cell. We’re wasting time.”
He lays a hand on my shoulder. “But you did not have to stop and give him water. You led me to believe you tortured him.”
“I did.”
His expression is thick with confusion. “But he is still alive after so many decades. How?”
It was my job. I made sure they didn’t die. I made sure they had enough to survive. I made sure no matter how sadistic Dargule’s urges were, they would live to someday see their families again. “Many wished for death and hated me for not letting them die.”
His expression softens, and he brushes my cheek with his thumb. “You made it sound like you were as bad as Dargule. But you are not. You saved them, did you not?”
“I hurt them.” I may have given them first aid, food, and water whenever I could sneak it, but nothing cancels out the torture I was forced to put them through.
He shakes his head like he doesn’t believe me. Then he cups my face and kisses me.
I want to push him away and scream we have no time for this, but his lips meet mine and it’s like that first time. Like I’m his shining, life-giving star. Like if he doesn’t kiss me, he will stop breathing.
“Don’t die,” he breathes against my mouth. “I forbid you to die.” His guttural tone holds the kind of authority that I bet even nature couldn’t defy.
I shake my head. “I have no plans of dying. But I do have plans of saving. Let’s do this.”
He glances at the closed door again. “Dargule could be waiting for us.”
“There’s only one way to find out.”
“I lied,” he blurts.
“What?”
His gaze is vulnerable and thick with something far deeper than the desire I’ve become accustomed to seeing when he looks at me. “You are more than instinct and the desidre to me.”
I gasp and stutter. “You…we…that’s not relevant right now.” But I can’t stop the smile fr
om creeping over my lips or the warmth his words spread through my chest.
He gives me another quick kiss. “Ready?”
“Ready.”
He presses the button and the door opens.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gahnin
Assura… I can feel my soul slipping away. Toward her. Or maybe it’s swelling to include her. The very center of me, how hard I have fought to reject her and retain a piece of myself for myself, to not lose myself to her… I do not care anymore.
I knew there was more she was not telling me. I knew when she said she had tortured, it could not have been the whole story.
What I did not expect or realize and should have was how detrimentally, brutally selfless she is. What she must have endured to keep those prisoners safe and alive while under Dargule’s command as they suffered from his cruelty daily…
She escaped him, and yet she came back here—to save them!
Then the door opens, and our worst fear comes true.
He’s still outfitted in his black armor, his helmet removed. His soulless eyes glare at us with an emptiness that is more frightening than any rage or fury could be. He is utterly still, and his sociopathic urges are written all over his emotionless face.
Dargule laughs like the true villain he is. “I thought so. Who was it that helped you? I haven’t fettered out the rat.”
It sends a chill down my spine. It contrasts with the heat in my center, burning with the certainty that Assura’s life is…so valuable.
Assura raises her hand to fire the shock gun, but Dargule is faster, already aiming at her.
I force her against the wall and shield her. Dargule’s shock glances over my back. It burns, like fire seeping through my skin. I grit my teeth against the pain. One more of those, and I will be lying on the floor.
“Run!” I thrust Assura down the corridor, away from Dargule.
She pauses, confused.
“I can take the shocks, remember? My body has learned how to be impervious to them.” Perhaps. Maybe. I have no idea what they will do to me, but I know for certain they will hurt her. “Go.”
She knows where the bridge is. She knows I’m right. I can distract Dargule while she goes. I hold my breath, praying she’ll do as I say, and that she can’t determine the pain I’m in from the expression on my face.