by Leta Blake
“Was me?”
“Yeah.” Joel exhaled slowly, his heart racing. Why hadn’t he had a beer too? It would take the edge off this confession and all this emotion at least. “Not that I can’t ever want someone else, I guess. I always thought I would eventually. One day. I hoped I’d meet someone, you know.” He shrugged, pulse pounding. “But it was always you. And my dad knew.”
Insane that he was trying to get the topic back to his least favorite subject in the world—his dad—rather than have to continue admitting to Casey how important he was to him, how singular.
“Is that why you always wanted me gone by the time he came home?”
Joel smiled grimly. “And the others too. RJ doesn’t read as gay, but he was loud about it sometimes, and, like I said, my dad thought Becca was my girlfriend. The last thing I wanted was for him to hear the way she talked about girls. You? You were my temptation to be avoided. But I couldn’t avoid you. You just kept coming around.”
“You’re not so hard underneath it all,” Casey whispered. “You’re really soft.”
“Great.” Joel pulled his hand away. “Open up a little and suddenly I’m a pansy.”
“I didn’t say that. I’m grateful you trust me enough to tell me things after everything.”
Joel laughed, taking another drink of cola to steady himself, but the caffeine just made his heart race even more. “After what? You left and went on with your life like a normal person?” He shook his head. “I was wrong last night to say the things I did.”
“You? Wrong?” Casey teased.
“Yeah. Enjoy this rare admission. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. You took me by surprise and…” He wasn’t going to admit how much seeing Casey again had scared him.
“I’m glad you gave me another chance this morning. Lunch today and this date tonight have been amazing.”
“They have.” Joel zipped up his jacket and shoved his hands into his pockets. Everything inside him wrestled with what he said next. “Let’s go now. I’m curious how the rest of tonight is going to be.” He steadied himself, gathered his courage, and whispered, “I want you to show me.”
Bruno was thrilled to see them again, but Joel didn’t give him time to pull Casey’s attention away. He dragged Casey back toward his bedroom, heart thumping and cock ragingly hard, and shut the door in his dog’s face. Then he locked it, more to keep himself from running out than to keep Bruno from finding a way in.
Joel leaned back against the wood panel, doorknob digging into his back, heart pounding so hard he felt dizzy, and found Casey staring down at his unmade bed. The blue comforter was tossed half-on and half-off, and the sheets were a wrinkled mess. At least he’d broken Bruno of sleeping on his bed when he was gone, so there was no dog hair to contend with.
“Sorry. I didn’t expect company.” He bustled over, his dick softening, to smooth the sheets and tug the comforter into place.
“Don’t apologize,” Casey said gently, grabbing hold of his hands. “And leave it. Why does it matter?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Joel tugged his hands free to rub his sweaty palms against his jeans. He’d tossed his jacket over the back of the sofa when they came in, and now he didn’t know where to start. Did he just take his clothes off? Or…what?
“Come here,” Casey whispered, pulling him close, and Joel’s knees went weak as Casey wrapped his arms around him. “Just let me hold you. We don’t have to do anything.”
“Oh, hell no,” Joel murmured, pressing his face against Casey’s soft shirt and breathing in his scent. “We’re doing something.”
“Okay. Well, you don’t have to twist my arm. But let’s just see what happens.”
“Do you have a condom?” Joel murmured.
“We don’t need a condom.”
“Uh, yeah we do.”
Casey chuckled gently. “Because we’re not having sex like that. Not tonight.”
“No?”
“No.”
“But I—”
“Hey. Let me just hold you. Don’t be in a hurry. We’ve got time.”
Did they have time? And why didn’t Casey want to do that kind of sex with him? Was there something he needed to know? It looked really straightforward in porn. But maybe he should ask Becca. She knew stuff no lesbian had a right to know about men’s bodies, and he never understood where she got the information. Maybe from her gay hairdresser friends? He should probably have more gay friends too. That kind of advice would be invaluable right about now.
Casey squeezed him closer. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to hold you like this. For me, this is enough for tonight.”
Joel frowned, rubbing his cheek on Casey’s shirt again and trying to piece through the shards of emotions piercing him. Joy and arousal, but also disappointment. If not now, then when? Casey said they had time, but what did that mean? He was leaving for New York again soon. This was a fling. Joel’s one shot to lose his virginity with his first love, and he didn’t want to waste it. But it’s not like he could make Casey take him like that either.
Or make Casey accept him like that.
Funny, Joel had always assumed he’d be the one on the bottom, but maybe that’s not how Casey liked things. Maybe he liked to be the one getting plowed. God, Joel had no idea how to do that without hurting him. Porn usually skipped from blowjobs to penetration, with maybe a little rimming for prep. That couldn’t be enough, could it? And how would he know what Casey liked? Did he ask? Or was he supposed to just be able to tell?
“Shh, turn that brain off. I can feel you thinking too hard.”
Joel leaned back enough to get a good look at Casey’s face, the sweetness of his amber eyes, and his mouth, curving into a tender, delicious smile.
“I want to do that with you, though,” Joel whispered. “Anal, I mean. If you want it too. And if you have a condom. I’d do it either way—top or bottom. Whatever you prefer.”
Casey shook his head and leaned closer, breathing against Joel’s lips. “Stop talking about fucking and just kiss me.”
Joel lifted on his tiptoes, his heart racing, and he pressed his lips to Casey’s. Time stopped. The room around them dissolved into a haze as they kissed and clutched, their bodies moving toward the bed until they were horizontal on it. Their hands roamed, and their hips hunched, and Joel found himself hanging on the edge of orgasm far too soon.
“Wait,” he groaned, ripping his mouth from Casey’s and staring up into his hot eyes. “Just give me a second.”
Casey nodded, nuzzling Joel’s throat. The slick wetness of his mouth left a tingling trail as he kissed the exposed bits of Joel’s skin, tugging down the neck of his shirt to get his lips on Joel’s collarbones.
Joel gripped Casey’s soft hair and luxuriated in the sensations, soft whimpers tearing from his throat, until he shoved Casey up and back, demanding, “Shirts off. I want to feel your skin.”
Casey didn’t hesitate, and several hurried seconds later Joel gripped Casey’s biceps to tug him down on top. They moved chest-to-chest, stomach-to-stomach, mouths open as their tongues teased and twisted. Joel shuddered when Casey’s tongue tickled behind his teeth, a sensation overly sweet, like biting into a sugar cube: delicious but too intense, addictive but nearly hurtful.
Casey’s sparse tufts of chest hair scratched enjoyably against Joel’s nipples, and he shoved his hands down the back of Casey’s pants, greedy for more skin and eager to get his hands on the mounds of flesh he found there.
“Here.” Casey lifted up, fumbling one-handed with the buttons on his jeans. “Let me get them off. You too. Let me see your body.”
Joel didn’t know a simple request like that could be so hot, but his balls drew up hard, and he had to throw his head back and resist for all he was worth to keep from coming. When he felt the hot length of Casey’s dick resting on his stomach, he gasped and opened his eyes again, watching Casey worm his pants down past his knees, trying to kick them farther.
Joel rolled out from under him, worki
ng on his own button and zipper. “Hurry,” he said, his hungry gaze raking over Casey’s body, anxiously trying to get another look at his dick.
“Yeah. Let me see.” Casey fell back on the bed, hands outstretched, reaching for Joel.
Joel shoved his jeans down, his heart in his throat, and he kicked them clear of the bed. His cock slapped against his stomach and then swung out from his body when he turned and crawled across his queen-sized bed to reach Casey.
“Cut,” Casey whispered, gesturing to Joel’s dick. “My favorite kind.”
Joel collapsed against Casey’s body. He didn’t want to hear about other lovers or other bodies Casey had enjoyed, but he was glad Casey approved of his dick, since there wasn’t much he could do about it either way.
“I’m cut too,” Casey said, gesturing down to where his thick dick swelled out of a pile of dark golden pubes.
“Shit,” Joel groaned, holding back another urge to come now. “It’s perfect.”
Casey kissed him again, taking hold of Joel’s hand and guiding it to his cock. The velvet heft of it was new and completely familiar all at once. Joel clutched Casey close and moaned as Casey’s wet mouth moved on his neck. He grasped Casey’s cock in his hand, afraid to let go.
Joel was everything Casey knew he’d be in bed—hungrily passionate and tremblingly vulnerable. His responsive noises and writhing body drove Casey wild, and he didn’t want it to ever stop.
But nothing prepared him for the rush of being in love with the man he held in his arms. Joel might have been the inexperienced one, but Casey was just as undone by the riot of emotions that detonated in his chest, ramping up until the intensity overcame him, and he pumped his come out all over Joel’s panting, arching body.
Joel’s eyes glowed in the crystalline moonlight shafting in from the sole window, and his fingers shook as he ran them through the mess Casey had left on both of their chests and stomachs. “Holy shit,” he whispered. “That was—you just—” He didn’t seem to know what else to say. He brought his dripping fingers up to gaze at them. His chest was flushed, and his cock was still hard as his hips circled restlessly while he wonderingly pondered the mess on his fingers.
“Taste it,” Casey whispered. “See what you think.”
Joel’s eyes flashed wide, and he swallowed hard before slipping one sticky finger between his swollen, red lips. Beard burn was blooming along his chin and jaw, and despite having not come yet himself—shockingly—he looked a debauched wreck.
It was beautiful.
Casey stared up at him, watching his every reaction: the flicker of doubt in his eyes just before tasting Casey’s jizz, the stronger surprise at the flavor, and then dazed arousal after he shoved all three fingers in and sucked at them greedily.
“Christ, Joel,” Casey muttered. “You’re amazing.”
He pulled Joel down to take another kiss and gloried in the flavor of himself in Joel’s mouth. Gripping Joel’s dick in his hand, he jerked him relentlessly as they made out, loving the soft curses, eager moans, and whimpers Joel released as he grew closer to his orgasm.
The heat of their bodies had warmed the room. Casey greedily took in Joel’s dilated eyes, flushed face and chest, and the desperate twist of his hips as he worked himself higher and higher.
“Fuck,” Joel whispered, eyes rolling up. “It’s too much. I want to, but I’m too keyed up. I don’t think—”
“Shh,” Casey whispered in his ear. “Relax. Just kiss me. Let me do this for you.”
Joel gripped Casey’s hand with his own, guiding him to a different rhythm, and kissed him again. The pace of Joel’s breathing changed, his kiss losing any attempt at technique, and then, just before he arched, Joel released Casey’s hand and twined his fingers into Casey’s hair, holding him fast so that he came crying out his pleasure into Casey’s open mouth.
Trembling from exertion and shockingly renewed arousal, Casey held Joel tight and rutted against his hard hips and taut stomach. The come he’d already left there smoothed the way, and soon he gripped Joel, kissing his neck and shoulder while he shot another load out on their heaving bellies.
“Whoa.” Joel clutched Casey tightly to him. “That was—whoa.”
“Yeah,” Casey agreed, and he buried his face in Joel’s sweat-damp hair, breathing in the scent of him as tears sprang to his eyes. His throat was tight, and his body thrummed again with unstinted need for more of Joel.
“You okay?” Casey finally murmured when he could count on not breaking into overwrought sobs.
“Yeah. You?” Joel asked, insecurity tainting his tone.
“Great. Amazing.” He nuzzled Joel’s neck and ear. “I want to make you come again.”
Joel huffed a laugh and motioned at his streaked, flushed body and his already hard cock. “Be my guest. I’ll just be right here trying to figure out how to get my brains back. I shot them everywhere.”
Casey flipped Joel over, and then slid down Joel’s body, kissing his nipples and his sternum, making his way south. “And I’ll just be down here showing you how it feels to have them sucked out this time.”
“Oh, fuck,” Joel breathed, his eyes wide and his legs trembling against the mattress. “Yeah. Show me all of that.”
Casey’s heart broke open with joy when he placed Joel’s salty, come-slick cock on his tongue and tasted the combination of their pleasure.
The two of them together. The way it should have always been.
Chapter Fourteen
“I need a cigarette.”
“I thought you were trying to give up smoking,” Casey murmured, his sweaty skin still plastered to Joel’s.
The idea of not having Casey’s body against his was reason enough for him to laugh and agree. “Yeah. I am. If you want, I’ll start now.”
Easy enough to promise when he only had one cigarette left anyway and he should save it for the morning.
“I’d like that.” Casey kissed his head. “I’d like that a lot.”
Joel kissed Casey’s shoulder and didn’t remind him that he wouldn’t be here long enough to like anything, really. For now, he’d let them both pretend that anything Joel did in the future was Casey’s business and that his opinion on it mattered. Basking in the afterglow of his first orgasms with someone he loved, there was nothing he wanted to pretend more.
He heard snuffling at the door and laughed. “Bruno’s worried. He’s wondering what you’re doing to me in here.”
“He must think I’ve killed you after all that noise you made.”
Joel huffed. “You weren’t exactly quiet either.”
“True. Did you know that when you come, your eyes scrunch up and you—”
Joel flicked Casey’s arm teasingly. “Are you seriously mooning over my orgasm face?”
“I’d moon over your farts. Don’t you know that already?”
“Let’s not test that theory,” he muttered, letting Casey gather him up close again. He’d never been held in bed before, and it was…weird, but nice. Cozy, a little overly hot, but sweet. He thought he liked it, and he wished he could have the opportunity to get used to it.
“I love the way you smell,” Casey muttered, rubbing his nose in Joel’s hair. “I love the way you taste. I love everything about—”
“Shh.” Joel cut him off. “Just hold me. Don’t talk anymore. Let’s sleep now.”
His heart thundered as he considered the declaration he knew he’d forestalled. It was too much, too raw. If Casey said those words, then there was no way Joel wouldn’t hope. And if he hoped, it was going to hurt like hell when Casey left.
When this Christmas miracle was over and he went back to his regular, dreary, everyday life, he’d have a few good memories at least. That was more than he’d had before.
Even if it meant he was still, and might always be, alone.
Pale early morning light streamed in through the open blinds of the mobile home’s windows. Casey remained as still as he possibly could, his heart in his throat. Joel slept on h
is side next to him with his mouth open and drool slipping down onto his pillow. His dark beard was growing in, and his tattoos, clearly visible now in the pearly dawn, stood out against his pale skin. Casey had memorized every one.
Joel was beautiful. And Casey had made love to him. God, how amazing was that? He’d made love to Joel Vreeland! And it had been beyond his wildest dreams, better than any sex he’d ever had. And all they’d done was kiss and rut, grope and touch, and, there at the end, he’d watched Joel’s face avidly as he’d sucked him off. That’d been everything. Absolutely everything.
The texts he’d quickly exchanged with his mother in the parking garage downtown—when he’d let her know he wouldn’t be home all night—hadn’t been fun, though. She’d even tried to call, but he’d declined to answer and switched his phone off. Why she thought it was her business who he spent the night with, he didn’t know. He was a grown man, and he’d stay with anyone he wanted, and he’d love the man his heart chose. She’d have to suck it up.
“Mmfm,” Joel mumbled, rolling over to his back and flopping his arm over his eyes to block out the rising sun.
Casey shifted, moving so he could more easily see Joel’s face. His stomach fluttered, and joy pulsed inside him like a living thing.
Joel stiffened and his arm slowly lifted away, revealing his dark eyes staring wildly up at Casey. “Oh shit,” he whispered.
Casey frowned.
“It really happened. I mean, you’re here. Holy crap.”
Casey didn’t know if the nervous laughter pressing against his chest was safe to release or if he should actually be worried. He tilted his head, considering Joel’s sleep-lined, wide-eyed morning look. Swallowing, he settled for saying, “You’re cute in the mornings.”
Joel sat up, reached to the nightstand, and clutched his nearly empty pack of cigarettes, tugging out the last one with shaking fingers. Casey’s heart clenched, and he wanted to reach out and soothe him, but when he tried, Joel held up his hand to ward him off.