Denise came out of the bathroom in her bathrobe, rubbing her hair with a towel. ‘Will you be coming to the theatre tonight, Tony, or shall I meet you here?’ she asked. She poured herself some coffee while waiting for his answer.
‘Not tonight, Denise, I’ve got some business to attend to. Another night, okay.’
Denise stared at him, full of hate. Business to attend to, indeed. She had heard him making arrangements to see another woman. How could he!
She remained calm and gave Tony a kiss before she left. He was glad to see the back of her. She was beginning to get too involved. He took a drink of his coffee and looked at the clock to check the time. Jake would be here, soon, and they would go through the day’s activities and discuss any problems that needed their attention.
Suddenly there was a knock at his door. Jake had his own key, unless he was just being tactful, because he knew Denise had stayed over. Tony went and opened the door and was surprised to see Denise standing there.
‘Hi, Tony, love, I’ve left my watch in the bathroom. I’ll just go and get it, back in a moment.’ She disappeared for a few minutes and then emerged all smiles. ‘Got it, darling, have a good day.’ With that, she left.
Tony had just kept on reading his newspaper, and let her carry on with what she was doing. The more he looked at her, the more he realised he must have had his beer goggles on when they met. For some reason he just didn’t fancy her anymore. Maybe it was her clingy attitude. Whatever, she was out.
Tony finished his coffee and then went for a shower, aiming to get ready before Jake arrived. He was washing his hair and soaping himself down when suddenly he noticed the water was blue! He looked at his hands and saw they were blue, as well. ‘Oh, my God,’ he muttered. He looked up at the showerhead and saw it was pouring out blue water. He quickly jumped out of the shower and turned it off. He looked into the bathroom mirror. Disaster! His hair and body were dyed blue. He took a towel and started rubbing at his hair. He was panicking, wondering what on earth had happened. Even his fingernails were stained blue.
Jake let himself into the apartment and heard the commotion coming from the bathroom. It wasn’t the usual noises he heard from Tony’s apartment – all he could hear was Tony screaming and swearing – and so he decided to investigate. Jake swung open the bathroom door and his jaw dropped when he saw Tony standing naked, skin tinged blue, blue water dripping onto the bathroom floor. What was more, his hair was blue, too! Tony’s blonde pride and joy now looked like a pensioner’s blue rinse.
‘What the hell has happened to you?’ Jake couldn’t help but laugh, but he could see Tony wasn’t amused. The air was as blue as his hair.
‘The bloody water’s coming out blue. Get a plumber around here, now. Someone is for the high jump. Jesus, what am I going to do about this?’ Tony ran his hands through his hair.
‘Blue?’ Jake was confused, he had never heard of water coming out of pipes blue before. A rusty red from the pipes, maybe, but blue?
‘Let me see.’ Jake pushed Tony out of the way and looked at the showerhead. It was all stained blue, and so were the tiles around the shower. Jake ignored Tony stomping around and shouting and just let him get on with it. He was running the taps in the kitchen and they were running clear.
Jake unscrewed the showerhead and discovered blue ink had been put inside it. Bloody hell, this had been done on purpose.
‘Tony, I’ve found it. I’ve found the source of your blue water. Quick, come here.’ Still holding the showerhead, Jake waited for Tony to come charging in. He looked even worse; not only was his skin tinted blue, his hair was blue and his face was now flushed red with anger.
‘You look like an extra out of that Braveheart movie.’ Jake laughed. ‘Either that or a Smurf.’
‘Shut up and show me, will you? What have you found?’ Tony was in no mood for laughing, maybe another time, but definitely not now.
‘Someone has put blue ink in the showerhead. This was done on purpose. See?’ Jake showed Tony the showerhead and the ink.
‘That bitch, Denise, I bet it was her. She had her shower and left, then came back supposedly for her watch. She said she had left it in the bathroom. Yes, this is definitely her doing.’
Now Jake was confused. ‘Why would she do that, when she’s already window shopping for engagement rings? What have you done, Tony?’ Jake paused and waited. This was not the way to get a ring on your finger, so what had compelled her to do it?
‘I don’t know.’ Tony looked innocently at Jake. ‘Maybe she’s taken the hint and knows I’ve had enough of her. The bitch!’
‘No, there’s more to it than that. If she thought you were losing interest, she would have upped her game a bit. She would only do this to anger you. Come on, Tony, what have you said or done.’
Tony shook his head, and drops of blue ink flew out of his wet hair and on to the bathroom wall. ‘I’ve done nothing,’ he insisted. Then a thought crossed his mind. Surely not. ‘I was on the telephone to that woman, Ami, earlier, asking her to come around here for a drink and stuff.’ He looked at Jake. ‘But Denise was in the bathroom, the door was shut.’
‘Not all the time, it wasn’t, Tony; she’s heard you. Don’t ask me how, but she has. Evil, vindictive cow. You’ve got that boxing charity night for the police, tonight. Oh, my God, you really are one of the boys in blue.’ Jake couldn’t help but laugh. Sharon was right to call Denise the poison dwarf, because this was over the top. But then again, why was Tony ringing other women when one was still in his apartment? God, would he never learn.
‘What am I going to do? For God’s sake, stop laughing and bloody help me. Do something, now.’
‘I’ll get Sharon, she’ll know what to do. Women have calamities all the time when they’re having their hair dyed, there must be some way to sort it out.’
‘Sharon! You’re going to give her the satisfaction of seeing me like this?’ Tony started to stomp around again. He went into the kitchen and put his head under the cold tap to try and rinse more of the ink out. The floor was covered in puddles. It looked like there had been a flood.
Jake rang down to the main bar, where he knew Sharon would be, and asked her to come up.
‘Put a robe on or something, will you? Cover up your bare arse before Sharon comes up. Especially that blue dick of yours, that really is a sight for sore eyes.’ Again, Jake tried to stifle his laughter.
Jake opened the door to Sharon. ‘What’s the emergency? What’s going on?’ She walked into the apartment and noticed the floor was wet. Tony was nowhere to be seen. ‘What’s happened here, has there been a flood?’ Sharon was looking around and then from behind her she heard a noise and turned.
Tony was walking out of his bedroom, with pale blue hair. His skin, no matter how he had rinsed it, still had a faint blue tinge. Sharon burst out laughing. She couldn’t help herself, it was the funniest thing she had seen in years.
‘If that’s all you’re going to do, you can piss off now.’ Tony was angry and grumpy. He was tying the belt of his robe around him, and giving her the evil glare.
‘What happened?’ Sharon looked at Jake for an answer.
He threw his hands up in the air. ‘We think it might have something to do with that Denise. Blue ink has been put into the showerhead. Tony got into the shower after she had gone this morning and, well, see for yourself.’ Jake pointed at Tony.
‘Okay, I get that, it’s an old trick. I’ve heard of worse, but why did she do it?’
‘Because she heard him ringing that model, Ami, and making a date. How do we sort his hair out, Sharon?’ said Jake.
Sharon turned to Tony. ‘Be grateful that’s all it was, at least that will come out and it’s not permanent. You bloody fool, you know she’s a bit nutty. Why would you ring another woman when you have one in your apartment? Couldn’t you wait five more minutes? You know, sometimes I think you deserve everything you get.’
Tony sat on a stool at the breakfast bar. Although angry, he looked
like a sulky child. He ran his hands through his hair and saw the blue ink stain his hands. They both thought he was going to burst into tears.
Sharon took pity on him. ‘It’ll be okay, Tony, it’s not as bad as it looks. I know a mobile hairdresser; she’ll come and sort it out. In the meantime, we need to clean the showerhead. Bring it here and I’ll put it in the dishwasher. And let’s get this place cleaned up. Bloody hell, you leave a lot more mess behind you than blue stain!’
Jake went to get the showerhead. Sharon fetched some towels from the airing cupboard to put on the floor to soak up the puddles of water. Within half an hour, the dishwasher was on, the floors were mopped and Sharon had made some fresh coffee.
There was a knock at the door, and Sharon opened it to the hairdresser.
‘Hi, Christine, come on in. I don’t need to tell you what the problem is, you can see for yourself.’ Sharon pointed at Tony. His once white towelling robe was now stained with ink, from where he had been clearing up, and along the collar from his hair. He looked a mess.
‘What have you used?’ The hairdresser was trying to sound professional, because Sharon had already told her it was a very delicate subject.
‘“Used”,’ said Tony. He stuck his hand in his hair, which was now drying and looking even more blue. He held up strands of it so that it stuck up in the air. ‘Do you think I planned to look like this, or something? I haven’t “used” anything. Some crazy bitch has done this to me!’ Tony started ranting on again about how Denise was a bitch and women couldn’t be trusted.
‘I’ve known worse,’ said Christine. ‘One angry wife put tomato puree into a showerhead, that was some stubborn red stains, believe me, and then there was the man whose wife put onion puree in the shower, so he looked okay, but everyone avoided him because of the smell.’ Christine went on to tell them more horror stories. Tony and Jake listened, horrified, as Christine and Sharon discussed it in such a matter of fact way. Women – they were crazy!
Two and a half hours later, after constant washing, hair dye stripper, and even more rinsing, Tony was done. Christine finished off with a quick trim to get rid of the dry ends. There was still a very faint tint in his hair, but she had done as much as she could for now and things were looking much better. Tony was almost back to normal. Christine stood back and looked at him.
‘You can barely see any blue, now, and only then if you look hard. Most people won’t spot anything different about you. Of course, we could always bleach it, but not today; we’ve only just stripped the colour out of it.’
‘You’ve done a great job, thanks; it will wear out though, yes?’ Tony looked in the mirror. Most of it had gone, although his ego and vanity still hurt.
Christine assured him it would. ‘Another couple of washes and you’ll be back to normal. Do you want me to come back tomorrow or the day after and give it a conditioning treatment?’
Tony took her hand and kissed the back of it. ‘That would be lovely, Christine. Thank you.’ Tony gave her his best smile; in all of his anger he hadn’t noticed what a pretty young woman she was.
‘You’re wasting your time, Tony,’ Sharon said, with a bored expression. She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling then looked at Christine. ‘Sorry, Chris, he can’t help it. Please come back when you’re free, tomorrow or the day after. And be sure to say hello to Michelle, your wife, from me.’ Sharon emphasized the word ‘wife’, letting Tony know that Christine was a very happily married lesbian, who wasn’t interested in him.
Tony blushed and reached for his wallet. ‘Sorry, Christine. Here, take this for all your trouble and coming around here so promptly. Thanks.’ Tony handed Christine a couple of fifty-pound notes. She initially refused such a huge amount, but he insisted she take it, not only for her hard work, but because he had made a fool of himself. ‘See you soon. Thanks again.’
Sharon showed Christine to the door. ‘Phew!’ she said, when she came back. ‘Thank goodness that’s all over with. Well, Tony, you’re more or less sorted out, but what about Denise?’
‘Apart from strangling her with my bare hands, I am going to let the whole world know it was her who made me look like this and she did it because I dumped her!’
‘Nice to know you’re taking it on the chin and have learnt a valuable lesson in life. There’s nothing worse than a woman scorned, and let’s be honest, if the newspapers get a hold of this, women all over London will cheer, because you’ve had your comeuppance.’
‘Are you still going to this charity night, tonight, then, and then seeing that Ami, as planned?’ Jake handed Tony a whisky; he felt he deserved one.
‘I am, Jake, I won’t let her stop me. That’s why she’s done it, thinking she can force me to stay in tonight. Well, I’m not. I won’t have any woman dictate to me.’
‘So, what happens when you show Ami your blue-tinted pubic hair?’
Jake and Sharon burst out laughing. ‘Christine!’ they both shouted together, ‘you’re needed again and bring your hair dye.’
Tony opened the front of his robe and looked down. He was going to have to sit in the bath for a very long time.
***
There was a full-size boxing ring set up in the main club area, ready for the police charity boxing night. Police stations far and wide competed against each other, not only for a cup, but also for charity.
Many officers, from constables to detectives, all trained hard in the gymnasium in preparation for the annual event. It was good competition for each police station, and it was a great event enjoyed by all. Tony had agreed to host it in his club, and the boxing ring had been delivered and set up.
Although the evening was for charity, it created good relations between himself and the police. Tony’s day might have been a calamity, but he was determined to make sure the night was successful.
The police had sold tickets for the event, and this year, all the proceeds were going to children’s charities. This made it even more popular with the journalists. The newspapers all covered the event because the public loved to read feel-good stories.
Celebrities from all walks of life that were involved in children’s charities felt a responsibility to pop along to the club to give it their support, even if they didn’t stay for the boxing. This was another golden opportunity for Tony to introduce his club and himself to newcomers. A lot of the celebrities who were regulars at the nightclub also wished to attend and make charitable donations. There was plenty for the paparazzi to point their cameras at.
The main thing was that, since Tony had closed the club for the night to host the event, and had also made his own charitable donation – all in the aid of a good cause – his club would be in the newspapers again. Publicity was publicity, after all. Plus, knowing how the police force liked to relax and have a drink, his bar takings would go through the roof.
The police boxers turned up early to get ready for the night’s events. They used the strippers’ changing rooms, which made them all laugh and put them in good spirits. Each one had trained hard, and was determined to beat their opponent for the reputation of their station.
Superintendents and commissioners walked up the roped-off red carpet that Tony had laid down for them. It was all very over the top, and seemed more like a major movie premiere, but Tony had pulled out all of the stops. The superintendents turned up in their best uniforms, with all their shiny buttons and stripes. With their wives in awe at their side, they posed for their photos to be taken by the newspaper photographers, and then gave small interviews about why they were having this charity night for children.
Of course, in doing so, they all thanked Lambrianu’s nightclub for the hospitality. Crowds were turning up, and the atmosphere inside was electric.
Tony had given his usual doormen and bouncers the night off to do as they pleased. He thought it was pointless them being there. After all, who would be stupid enough to cause trouble in a club full of police?
As Tony had predicted, the bar staff were run off their feet and
the waitresses were running around taking orders and clearing tables. The usual strippers had been given the night off, but Tony had co-opted some of them to act as ring girls. They were to walk around in the boxing ring, between rounds, holding up a sign with the number of the next round on it. This all added a little glamour to the proceedings. Sharon thought that maybe, after the boxing was over and the wives had gone home, a few of the men might like to see the pole dancers, as a little light entertainment.
Tony stood outside the club on the red carpet, welcoming the hierarchy of the police and their wives, and shaking their hands. He was smiling and being free with his compliments about how beautiful the wives looked, even though some were in their sixties, and possibly more. He was full of his usual charm; it was then that the journalists started to shout to him.
‘What’s happened to your hair, Tony?’
‘What’s with the blue rinse, Tony?’
They were all shouting to him and taking photos. Lights from the cameras were flashing from either side of him.
He had thought the photographers would notice – they always scrutinised him so closely, and the lights from their cameras also helped show off the faint blue tint. It was time for him to put on his cheeky smile and front it out.
He walked over to one of the journalists at the front, and started to smile and laugh. He ran his hand through his hair and nodded at them. ‘Boys,’ he shouted to the paparazzi, ‘take a tip from me. Never turn your back on a woman scorned.’ Now he had got their interest, he waited. He was determined to pay Denise back for her trickery and the only way to do it was by letting the newspapers know what she had done. He wasn’t going to give her name, but they all knew who he had been involved with lately, and it didn’t take much adding up.
The newspapers either loved or hated him; one day he was that gangland boss, another he was Tony Lambrianu, club owner and playboy. Tonight, he was the latter, and he could use that to his advantage.
‘Come on, Tony,’ someone shouted, ‘tell us what happened.’
Nasty Business Page 13