More Than Him

by Jay McLean

  We fooled around for so long, I swear my dick was about to snap off. We got to the point of me almost being inside her before I stopped it. We both agreed that we wanted to wait. Neither of us really knew why, we just wanted to take it slow, savor it.

  Now, there was an incessant loud banging at the front door. We both shot up and out of the bed quickly. She pulled my jersey down over her thighs, a panicked look on her face. "W . . . what's happening?" She moved closer to me.

  I pulled on sweatpants as she made her way over. "I don't know." My heart thundered frantically against my chest. I hadn't been this scared since I was seven.

  She hugged my arm tightly and I turned to face her.

  She flinched when the banging started up again.

  "It'll be okay." I tried to keep my voice even, but I failed. "You need to stay here, okay?"

  "No," she whined, gripping my arm tighter.

  "Babe, come on."

  I freed my arm from her grip, opened the drawer in the nightstand, and pulled out the handgun.

  I heard her gasp.

  I tried to soothe her, "It's just . . ."

  She shook her head, her eyes never leaving the gun in my hand. "I get it."

  I covered the few steps between us, ignoring the banging, not just at the front door, but in my chest and in my head. I kissed her once. "It's probably just my neighbors, it's fine," I lied. It wasn't them; they knew better. They'd done it once and had me answer the door with a gun in my hand. Never again.

  She returned my kiss. "I love you."

  I wanted to tell her I loved her, too, but the banging started again. "You have to stay here. No matter what you hear, okay? If you think you need to, call the cops."

  With each step towards the front door, my feet felt heavier. By the time I was there, they were lead. The trembling in my hand against my leg caused the gun to sway from side to side.

  Thump. Thump.

  The blood rushed to my ears.

  Thump. Thump.

  I looked through the peephole.

  Assholes.

  I opened the door.

  "I swear it, I tried not to tell him but he knew I was keeping secrets. I don't like to keep secrets, Logan."

  Cameron stepped in. "You asshole." Then he saw the gun in my hand and took a step back. "Shit, dude."

  After my mind and body had caught up to each other, I placed the gun on the new entry table next to the door.

  "Shit," Cam said again. "Sorry, man. The loud knocking and—" He cursed under his breath. "I didn't even think." He put his fist out to bump.

  I did, but I couldn't speak yet. My heart was still racing. I walked to the kitchen for a drink. They followed.

  "I'm sorry," Lucy squeaked, as I ran the water to fill my glass. I drank like my life depended on it. They watched in silence.

  "It's fine," I finally said. "Just don't do that shit again."

  "Seriously," Cam started. "We were at this barbecue on campus and Lucy started drinking, then she told me about how you were going to fight for—" He cut himself off, conscious of the fact that I may not want to hear her name. "Anyway," he continued. "I got it out of her that you were back and then she spilled. I just had to come see it for myself. Honestly, I'm a little pissed you both kept it a secret. If I was an asshole, I'd probably accuse you two of screwing around."

  Lucy started to giggle. Then hiccupped. Then giggled some more.

  "She's drunk," he informed me. " It's good to see you. You're good?"

  "Yeah, man," I started for the living room. "I'm good." I threw my body onto the sofa the same time as Lucy opened the curtains. The room filled with sunlight. I squinted at the sudden change.

  "Dude, were you asleep? It's, like, three in afternoon. You look like shit." Cam. So observant.

  "Logan?" We all paused and looked to the hallway when we heard her tiny voice.

  Both their heads whipped to me. "You have a girl in here?" Lucy all but shouted.

  Cameron grinned like the Cheshire cat. "Yeah, you do!" He stepped closer and raised his hand for a high five. I sat up, rolled my eyes, and gave him what he wanted.

  "Logan?" Amanda said again, louder this time.

  Lucy's eyes went huge. "Who is it?" She was still yelling. Standing next to Cameron, she got on her toes and whispered in his ear, "Logan has a girl in here."

  Cam shook his head, his eye-roll matching mine from only seconds earlier. "I know, babe, I'm right here."

  "Who is it?" she asked him.

  He sighed, but didn't answer.

  I chuckled to myself and yelled, "Babe, you can come out." Then a second later, "Put pants on."

  Cam grinned again. "You mad dog." He was amused. I'm glad someone was.

  Amanda walked in wearing a pair of my sweats and my baseball jersey.

  Lucy gasped loudly when she saw her. It made Amanda stop in her tracks. Lucy's gaze went from Amanda, to me, to Cameron. "Is she real life?" she asked Cameron.

  "Yes, babe. She's real." He patted her on the head.

  Lucy slowly took steps closer to Amanda, as if she were a wounded animal and Lucy was her savior. Amanda’s eyebrows bunched as she watched Lucy slowly approach. Cam sat down next to me, but both of us watched the girls. Then, when Lucy got close enough, she poked Amanda on the arm. Amanda flinched, but stayed silent. Lucy hiccupped, and then narrowed her eyes. "Are you real life?" she whispered.

  Amanda smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

  Lucy yelled, "You are real!" Then she hugged the shit out of her. "Oh my God," she said, pulling back. She touched Amanda's face with both hands. "I've missed you." Hiccup.

  Then Cameron from next to me, "You guys should totally make out, that would be hot."

  Amanda and Lucy snorted in unison, then walked towards the sofa. Amanda sat on the other side of me, grabbing my arm and placing it around her shoulders.

  "Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh," Lucy crooned, looking around the apartment. "Now it makes sense. You have actual furniture."

  Amanda rubbed her nose on my bare chest. I still hadn't put a shirt on. "Are you okay?" I spoke into her ear.

  She smiled at me, but it was forced. I lifted her chin so I could look at her properly. She still looked scared.

  "We're gonna jet," Cam announced, standing up. "I just wanted to see you with my own eyes."

  I stood, too, thankful that he knew well enough to leave us alone. I walked them to the door.

  "Look," Cameron started. "I get that you want to lay low or whatever, but Jake doesn't even know you're here. And I mean—I don't want to tell you what to do or whatever, but if I were him, I'd be pissed if I found out you were here and didn't even bother telling your best friend. I just think it's gonna get worse with time, you know?" He ran his hand through his hair. "And you know Jake. He doesn't get pissed. He freezes you out, and that shit's not cool."

  He was right. Jake didn't do openly angry or pissed often, but you knew if you'd upset him.

  I nodded.

  "Oh, I know," Lucy screeched. "My bonfire tomorrow night. Come! At the cabin, like old times! Remember, Logan? Remember?"

  Cam cut in. "Okay Drunky McDrunkface. Time to get you home. Let's leave Logan and Amanda alone, alright?" He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. Then to me, "It's not a bad idea—the cabin tomorrow night, you guys should come. It'll be a welcome home, you know?"

  "Maybe," I answered.

  "I mean it, Logan, it's really good to see you." His tone was serious. He looked over at Amanda, who was still on the sofa. "You too, Amanda. I'm glad you're both safe."

  ***

  "I should get home," she said.

  I sat down next to her. "Why? You don't have to leave." I lay down and pulled her body on top of mine.

  "I just need to. Ethan will start to get worried."

  Stroking her back, I let out a sigh. "You should just tell him you're here."

  She was quiet for a moment, and then said, "You're not the only one that has things to overcome, Logan."

 
I don't know what she meant, but whatever it was, I wasn't going to push her. She got off me and walked away. A second later, I heard the shower running.

  I waited, watching the trembling in my hand slowly steady itself, and then I got up and made my way to the bathroom, too.

  "I think I should talk to Ethan," I said, loud enough so that she could hear me over the sound of the shower.

  The pipes made a clanking sound as the water turned off. "Towel." Her hand was out, waiting.

  I handed her one. "Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe you're exaggerating it—I don't know—maybe if I talk to him it'd be okay."

  She stepped out with her hair tied up messily, the towel around her, and an annoyed look on her face. "A. I'm not exaggerating. B. It won't be okay. C. Trust me. I know Ethan."

  "Fine." I looked down at the floor. It felt like a rejection.

  I heard her sigh. Her feet invaded my vision. She stood inches in front of me. "Are you mad that we're lying to Ethan, or are you sad that I'm leaving?"

  "Both," I answered quietly, still staring at the floor.

  "Which one more?"

  "The second," I sulked.

  She laughed quietly before wrapping her arms around me. She brought my head down to her chest. "I'm going to miss you," she admitted.

  "Then don't go yet."

  "You're going to get sick of me quick."

  "Not possible."

  She made a humming sound when I hugged her tight.

  And that's how we stayed.

  Seconds turned into minutes.

  "I was so scared, Logan."

  I wanted to assure her that it would be okay. I even opened my mouth to let the words out, but they died in my throat, along with my pride. Instead, I looked her in the eyes—truth time. "So was I."

  21

  Amanda

  I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want us to suffocate each other, either. We'd spent so much time together already, and it'd only been days since we were back in each other's lives.

  It wasn't just about spending too much time with him. It was also about Ethan. The fact that I was lying to him was bad enough; I didn't want to give him more reason to worry. And he did. He worried way more than he should.

  Which is probably why he was sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at his phone when I got home.

  "Hey," I said quietly, taking a seat next to him.

  He sucked in a breath and let it out in a huff. "Hey," he responded, lifting his head to face me. "Where have you been?"

  I shrugged and faked a calmness to my tone. Deep down, I was wrecked with guilt. "Just out with friends."

  He nodded.

  "I'm sorry. Were you worried?"

  "A little."

  "You could've called. I would have told you where I was."

  He sighed, and looked back down at his phone. "Yeah, I know. I just feel like I need to give you some space, you know?"

  I didn't respond, I just let the silence fill the space between us.

  "Actually," he said, "I wanted to talk to you about something real quick." He flung his body back on the bed and covered his face with his hands. Classic nervous Ethan. He did that to hide the redness in his face when he said or did something that embarrassed him.

  "This'll be good," I teased, and then copied his position on the bed. "Out with it."

  He removed his hands from his face, but continued to stare up at the ceiling. "I want to ask Alexis to move in."

  "What!" I sat up, paying full attention.

  He laughed once. "So I take it she hasn't brought it up with you?"

  I shook my head, a disbelieving laugh bubbling out of me. "No, not at all."

  He cursed under his breath. "It's probably too soon, huh?" He almost looked sad.

  "No," I said, truthfully. "I don't know. Maybe it is too soon, but who gives a shit, right?" I smiled, remembering how I’d felt the first time I said those words to Logan.

  He faced me now. He was so serious. "You think she'd say yes?" His knee started bouncing. He was stupidly nervous.

  "I think she'd—"

  "I've looked around for jobs and stuff for her," he cut in. A grin slowly developed on my face. "She doesn't want to go to college, so she'd just have to work. I mean—I can probably take up a few more shifts and support her, but I don't think she'd be into that. Do you think she'd be into that?" he mumbled, his words coming out all at once.

  Then it hit me. "Ethan, calm down. You're just in love for the first time. Don't question it. Just let it be. She loves you, too. She'll say yes." I stood up to use the bathroom, but his grip on my arm stopped me.

  "Honestly, Dimmy. Do you think she would? Because I'm not going to ask her and get rejected. I don't know that I could take it."

  I turned around and laughed at him. I couldn't help it. "You're so desperate and cute."

  He reared back in surprise. "Shut up! Only Lexi gets to call me cute." I started to walk away but he caught me again. "Promise me she'll say yes," he demanded.

  I rolled my eyes. "I promise she'll say yes."

  "Spit-swear on it."

  "What? No! Gross. What's wrong with you?"

  I tried to get to the bathroom but he swiftly blocked my path. "Spit-swear," he said again, trying to contain his laugh. He spat on his palm and held it out.

  "Yuck, Ethan. That's disgusting."

  I tried to get past, but he blocked me again. "Do it!" He waved his spit-filled hand in front of my face. I started dry-retching. Pushing him out of the way, I tried again to get past. He continued to block my path. His shoulders lifted with his laugh.

  Then he did it.

  He smeared his hand across my face.

  "You asshole!" I squealed, but you couldn't hear me over the sound of his laughter.

  I squared my shoulders and narrowed my eyes at him. He understood. "Oh shit," he muttered, his features evening out.

  I raised an eyebrow. "Game. On."

  "Fuck." He bolted, jumping over the bed and running out of my bedroom.

  I chased him, but somehow I'd started laughing, too. He ran down the hallway and straight into Tristan. "Whoa," Tris said, lifting his hands to block me. Ethan hid behind him. Coward.

  I tried to pass him to get to Ethan but he, too, blocked me. "What the fuck is going on right now?" he scolded. "This is just like the Epic Missing Cookie Battle of 2003." He was laughing, too. We all were. "By the way," he continued. "I totally ate that cookie."

  Ethan and I stopped laughing immediately. Shit just got real. "What?" we both asked.

  His laugh became silent when he saw how serious we were. We blamed each other about that missing cookie for a good five months, and froze each other out completely. Meals with two non-speaking twelve year olds were not good times. "You ate it?" Ethan deadpanned.

  Tristan swallowed loudly, looking from Ethan to me and back again. He nodded once, his eyes wide. "Yes."

  "Swear it?" Ethan asked him.

  He nodded.

  "Spit-swear it?" I said.

  "What?" He scrunched his nose.

  Then in unison, Ethan and I spat on our hands and offered it to him. "Do it," we both insisted.

  Tristan's face contorted to a look of disgust. "No. Fucking. Way."

  Ethan's eyes met mine. "Game on," I announced, lifting my chin.

  Then, simultaneously, Ethan and I wiped our hands across his cheeks. He squealed. Not a manly one, either. Ethan's head threw back with the guffaw that took over him. "You sound gay," he yelled.

  Tristan wiped his cheeks with his sleeves. "I'm am gay, asshole."

  ***

  "Soooo," Tristan mocked in a high-pitched girl voice. "Who's the boy?"

  He'd walked in just as I opened the bathroom door after I'd finished showering and frantically scrubbing my face of Ethan's spit. His question made me stop in my tracks. For a moment, I wanted to tell him all about Logan. Instead, I lied. "I don't know what you're talking about."

  "Bullshit," he said calmly, taking a seat on my bed. "I
know you too well, Dim. Who is he?" He smiled eagerly, waiting for my response.

  I couldn't lie. I'd been doing it too much already. Slowly shutting my door, I faced him. "You can't say anything to anyone, Tris. Swear it."

  He laughed. "As fun as it was to pretend we were kids just then, we're not, we're grown-ass people. I don't need to swear on anything. You know you can trust me."

  "Fine." I paused, thinking of my next words. I felt the corners of my lips turn up, and before I knew it, I was grinning.

  Tristan sighed. "How long's he been back?"

  My eyes went wide. "What? How do you know?"

  "I'm not an idiot. You shutting the door, keeping secrets, that goofy look on your damn face." He blew out a breath. "I take it Ethan doesn't know?"

  I shook my head slowly. The guilt slowly developed into a knot in the pit of my stomach.

  He made a frustrated noise as he rubbed his face with his hands. "This is not going to end well, Dim. Especially with you keeping it from him."

  "I know," I said quickly. I sat on the bed next to him and did my best to persuade otherwise. "It's complicated, Tristan. We know we have stuff to overcome, and issues to deal with, but we just want some time. We just want to be together without the world judging us. We just want to be happy, even if it's for a little while." I felt the sob rising up my throat and swallowed it down. I hated this. I hated thinking about what might happen. Not even about when we went public, just Ethan's reaction. He was the only one who mattered to me. "I know it's hard to understand—"

  "Wait," he cut in. "You do realize I'm gay, right?" He laughed once. "If anyone knows what it's like to be afraid of judgment, it's me."

  "Valid," I agreed.

  "Dim, there's a reason I came out to you first."

  "Yeah? What's that?"

  "Because. You don't judge, you don't ask questions, you just accept things for what they are. You accept people for who they are, regardless of who they love. You understand that you can't help who you fall in love with.