by Fanny Burney
CHAPTER XLII
Elinor, kept in order by a continual expectation of seeing Harleigh,ceased to require the presence of Juliet; who, but for the sorrows ofher friend, would have experienced a felicity to which she had long beena stranger, the felicity of being loved because known; esteemed andvalued because tried and proved. The consideration that is the boon ofeven the most generous benevolence, however it may soothe the heart,cannot elevate the spirits: but here, good opinion was reciprocated,trust was interchanged, confidence was mutual.
The affliction of Gabriella, though of a more permanent nature, becausefrom an irreparable cause, was yet highly susceptible of consolationfrom friendship; and when once the acute emotions, arising from the taleof woe which she had had to relate, at the meeting, were abated, thecharm which the presence of Juliet dispensed, and the renewal of earlyideas, pristine feelings, and first affections, soon reflected backtheir influence upon her own mind; which gradually strengthened, andinsensibly revived.
Juliet immediately resigned her large apartment, and fixed herself inthe small room of Gabriella. There they settled that they would livetogether, work together, share their little profits, and endure theirfailures, in common. There they hoped to recover their peace of mind, ifnot to re-animate their native spirits; and to be restored to theharmony of social sympathy, if not to that of happiness.
Yet, it was with difficulty that they learnt to enjoy each other'ssociety, upon such terms as their altered condition now exacted; wherethe eye must never be spared from laborious business, to search, or toreciprocate a sentiment, in those precious moments of endearingconverse, which, unconsciously, swell into hours, ere they are missed asminutes. Their intercourse was confined to oral language alone. Thelively intelligence, the rapid conception, the arch remark, the cordialsmile; which give grace to kindness, playfulness to counsel, gentlenessto raillery, and softness even to reproach; these, the expressivesources of delight, and of comprehension, in social commerce, they werefain wholly to relinquish; from the hurry of unremitting diligence, andundivided attention to manual toil.
Nevertheless, to inhale the same air, and to feel the consolingcertitude, that they were no longer cast wholly upon pity, or charity,for good opinion, were blessings that filled their thoughts withgratitude to Providence, and brought back calm and comfort to theirminds.
Still, at every sun-rise, Gabriella visited the ashes of her little son;where she poured forth, in maternal enthusiasm, thanks and benedictionsupon his departed spirit, that her earliest friend, the chosen sharer ofher happier days, was restored to her in the hour of her desolation; andrestored to her There,--on that fatal, yet adored spot, which containedthe ever loved, though lifeless remains of her darling boy.
Juliet, in this peaceful interval, learnt, from the voluble Selina, allthat had been gathered from Mrs Golding relative to the seclusion ofElinor.
Elinor had travelled post to Portsmouth, whence she had sailed to theIsle of Wight. There, meeting with a foreign servant out of place, sheengaged him in her service, and bid him purchase some clothes of anindigent emigrant. She then dressed herself grotesquely yet, as far asshe could, decently, in man's attire; and, making her maid follow herexample, returned to the neighbourhood of Brighthelmstone, and tooklodgings, in the character of a foreigner, who was deaf and dumb, atShoreham; where, uninterruptedly, and unsuspectedly, she resided. Here,by means of her new domestic, she obtained constant intelligence of theproceedings of Juliet; and she was no sooner informed of the musicalbenefit, in which an air, with an harp-accompaniment, was to beperformed by Miss Ellis, than she sent her new attendant to theassembly-room, to purchase a ticket. Golding, who went thither with thelackey, met Harleigh in the street, as he was quitting the lodgings ofJuliet.
The disguise of the maid saved her from being recognised; but hertidings set her mistress on fire. The moment seemed now arrived for thelong-destined catastrophe; and the few days preceding the benefit, werespent in its preparation. Careless of what was thought, Elinor, hadsince, casually, though not confidentially, related, that her intentionhad been to mount suddenly into the orchestra, during the performance ofJuliet; and thence to call upon Harleigh, whom she could not doubt wouldbe amongst the audience; and, at the instant of his joining them,proclaim to the whole world her immortal passion, and expire betweenthem. But the fainting fit of Juliet, and its uncontrollable effect uponHarleigh, had been so insupportable to her feelings, as to precipitateher design. She acknowledged that she had studied how to die withouttorture, by inflicting a wound by which she might bleed gently to death,while indulging herself, to the last moment, in pouring forth to theidol of her heart, the fond effusions of her ardent, but exaltedpassion.
The tranquillity of Elinor, built upon false expectations, could not belong unshaken: impatience and suspicion soon took its place, and MrNaird was compelled to acknowledge, that Mr Harleigh had set out upon adistant tour, without leaving his address, even at his own house; wherehe had merely given orders that his letters should be forwarded to afriend.
The rage, grief, and shame of the wretched Elinor, now nearly destroyed,in a moment, all the cares and the skill of Mr Naird, and of herphysician. She impetuously summoned Juliet, to be convinced that she wasnot a party in the elopement; and was only rescued from sinking intoutter despair, by adroit exhortations from Mr Naird, to yield patientlyto his ordinances, lest she should yet die without a last view ofHarleigh. This plea led her, once more, though with equal disgust toherself and to the whole world, to submit to every medical direction,that might give her sufficient strength to devise means for her ultimateproject; and to put them into practice.
Mr Naird archly confessed, in private, to Juliet, that the real dangeror safety of Miss Joddrel, so completely hung upon giving the reins, orthe curb, to her passions, that she might, without much difficulty, fromher resolution to die no other death than that of heroic love, in thepresence of its idol, be spurred on, while awaiting, or pursuing, itsobject, to the verge of a very comfortable old age.
He acknowledged himself, also, secretly entrusted with the abode of MrHarleigh.
Elinor, when somewhat calmed, demanded of Juliet when, and how, hermeetings with Harleigh had been renewed.
Juliet recounted what had passed; sparing such details as might behurtful, and solemnly protesting that all intercourse was now at anend.
With a view to draw Elinor from this agitating subject, she thenrelated, at full length, her meeting, in the church-yard, with the friendwhom she had so long vainly sought.
In a short time afterwards, feeling herself considerably advancedtowards a recovery, Elinor, impetuously, again sent for Juliet, to say,'What is your plan? Tell it me sincerely! What is it you mean to do?'
Juliet answered, that her choice was small, and that her means werealmost null: but when she lamented the severe DIFFICULTIES of a FEMALE,who, without fortune or protection, had her way to make in the world,Elinor, with strong derision, called out, 'Debility and folly! Put asideyour prejudices, and forget that you are a dawdling woman, to rememberthat you are an active human being, and your FEMALE DIFFICULTIES willvanish into the vapour of which they are formed. Misery has taught me toconquer mine! and I am now as ready to defy the world, as the world canbe ready to hold me up to ridicule. To make people wise, you must makethem indifferent; to give them courage, you must make them desperate.'Tis then, only, that we throw aside affectation and hypocrisy, and actfrom impulse.'
Laughing, now, though with bitterness, rather than gaiety, 'What doesthe world say,' she cried, 'to find that I still live, after the pompousfuneral orations, declaimed by myself, upon my death? Does it suspectthat I found second thoughts best, and that I delayed my execution,thinking, like the man in the song,
That for sure I could die whenever I would, But that I could live but as long as I could?
'Well, ye that laugh, laugh on! for I, when not sick of myself, laughtoo! But, to escape mockery, we must all be guided one by another; alldo, and all say, the very same thing
. Yet why? Are we alike in ourthoughts? Are we alike in our faces? No. Happily, however, thatsoporiferous monotony is beginning to get obsolete. The sublimity ofRevolution has given a greater shake to the minds of men, than to thekingdoms of the earth.'
After pausing, then, a few minutes, 'Ellis,' she cried, 'if you arereally embarrassed, why should you not go upon the stage? You know howtranscendently you act.'
'That which might seem passable in a private representation,' Julietanswered, 'might, at a public theatre--'
'Pho, pho, you know perfectly well your powers. But you blight them, Isuppose, yourself, with anathemas, from excommunicating scruples? Youare amongst the cold, the heartless, the ungifted, who, to discredittalents, and render them dangerous, leave their exercise to vice, bymaking virtue fear to exert, or even patronize them?'
'No, Madam, indeed,' cried Juliet: 'I admire, most feelingly, the nobleart of declamation:--how, then, can I condemn the profession which givesto it life and soul? which personifies the most exalted virtues, whichbrings before us the noblest characters, and makes us witnesses to thesublimest actions? The stage, well regulated, would be the school ofjuvenile emulation; would soothe sorrow in the unhappy, and affordmerited relaxation to the laborious. Reformed, indeed, I wish it, andpurified; but not destroyed.'
'Why, then, do you disdain to wear the buskins?'
'Disdain is by no means the word. Talents are a constant source to me ofdelight; and those who,--rare, but in existence,--unite, to their publicexercise, private virtue and merit, I honour and esteem even more than Iadmire; and every mark I could shew, to such, of consideration,--were Iso situated as to bestow, not require protection!--I should regard asreflecting credit not on them, but on myself.'
'Pen and ink!' cried Elinor, impatiently: 'I'll write for you to themanager this moment!--'
'Hold, Madam!' cried Juliet smiling: 'Much as I am enchanted with theart, I am not going to profess it! On the contrary, I think it soreplete with dangers and improprieties, however happily they maysometimes be combatted by fortitude and integrity, that, when a youngfemale, not forced by peculiar circumstances, or impelled by resistlessgenius, exhibits herself a willing candidate for public applause;--shemust have, I own, other notions, or other nerves, than mine!'
'Ellis, Ellis! you only fear to alarm, or offend the men--who would keepus from every office, but making puddings and pies for their ownprecious palates!--Oh woman! poor, subdued woman! thou art as dependant,mentally, upon the arbitrary customs of man, as man is, corporally, uponthe established laws of his country!'
She now grew disturbed, and went on warmly, though nearly to herself.
'By the oppressions of their own statutes and institutions, they renderus insignificant; and then speak of us as if we were so born! But whathave we tried, in which we have been foiled? They dare not trust us withtheir own education, and their own opportunities for distinction:--Iexcept the article of fighting; against that, there may, perhaps, besome obstacles: but to be condemned, as weaker vessels in intellect,because, inferiour in bodily strength and stature, we cannot cope withthem as boxers and wrestlers! They appreciate not the understandings ofone another by such manual and muscular criterions. They assert not thatone man has more brains than another, because he is taller; that he isendowed with more illustrious virtues, because he is stouter. They judgehim not to be less ably formed for haranguing in the senate; foradministering justice in the courts of law; for teaching science at theuniversities, because he could ill resist a bully, or conquer a footpad!No!--Woman is left out in the scales of human merit, only because theydare not weigh her!'
Then, turning suddenly to Ellis, 'And you, Ellis, you!' she cried,'endowed with every power to set prejudice at defiance, and to shew andteach the world, that woman and man are fellow-creatures, you, too, arecoward enough to bow down, unresisting, to this thraldom?'
Juliet hazarded not any reply.
'Yet what futile inconsistency dispenses this prejudice! This Woman,whom they estimate thus below, they elevate above themselves. Theyrequire from her, in defiance of their examples!--in defiance of theirlures!--angelical perfection. She must be mistress of her passions; shemust never listen to her inclinations; she must not take a step of whichthe purport is not visible; she must not pursue a measure of which shecannot publish the motive; she must always be guided by reason, thoughthey deny her understanding!--Frankness, the noblest of our qualities,is her disgrace;--sympathy, the most exquisite of our feelings, is herbane!--'
She stopt here, conscious, colouring, indignant, and dropt the subject,to say, 'Tell me, I again demand, what is it you mean to do? Return toyour concert-singing and harping?'
'Ah, Madam,' cried Juliet, reproachfully, 'can you believe me not yetsatisfied with attempting any sort of public exhibition?
'Nay, nay,' cried Elinor, resuming her careless gaiety, 'what passedthat evening will only have served to render you more popular. You maymake your own terms, now, with the managers, for the subscription willfill, merely to get a stare at you. If I were poor myself, I wouldengage to acquire a large fortune, in less than a week, by advertising,at two-pence a head, a sight of the lady that stabbed herself.'
'What, however,' she continued, 'is your purpose? Will you go and livewith Mrs Ireton? She is just come hither to give her favourite lap-dog asix weeks' bathing. What say you to the place of her toad-eater? It maybe a very lucrative thing; and I can procure it for you with the utmostease. It is commonly vacant every ten days. Besides, she has been dyingto have you in her toils, ever since she had known that you spurned theproposition, when it was started by Mrs Howel.'
Juliet protested, that any species of fatigue would be preferable tosubservience of such a sort.
'Perhaps you are afraid of seeing too much of Ireton? Be under noapprehension. He makes it a point not to visit her. He cannot endureher. Besides, 'tis so rustic, he says, to have a mother!'
Juliet answered, that her sole plan, now, was to be guided by herfriend.
'And who is this friend? Is she of the family of the Incognitas, also?What do you call her?--L.S.?'
Juliet only replied by stating their project of needle-work.
Elinor scoffed the notion; affirming that they would not obtain a morselof bread to a glass of water, above once in three days. She felt,nevertheless, sufficient respect to the design of the noble fugitive, tosend her a sealed note of what she called her approbation.
This note Juliet took in charge. It contained a draft for fifty pounds.
Ah, generous Elinor! thought Juliet, tears of gratitude glistening inher eyes: what a mixture of contrasting qualities sully, and ennobleyour character in turn! Ah, why, to intellects so strong, a heart soliberal, a temper so gay, is there not joined a better portion ofjudgment, a larger one of diffidence, a sense of feminine propriety, anda mind rectified by religion,--not abandoned, uncontrolled, toimagination?
Gabriella, though truly touched by a generosity so unexpected, declinedaccepting its fruits; not being yet, she said, so helpless, howeverpoor, as to prefer pecuniary obligation to industry. She would leave,therefore, the donation, for those who had lost the resources ofindependence which she yet possessed--youth and strength.
The tender admiration of Juliet forbade all remonstrance, and excludedany surprise. She well knew, and had long seen, that the distress whichis the offspring of public calamity, not of private misfortune, howeverit may ruin prosperity, never humbles the mind.
Gabriella, in a letter of elegant acknowledgements, to obviate anyaccusation of undue pride, solicited the assistance of Elinor, inprocuring orders for embroidery, amongst the ladies of her acquaintance.
Elinor, zealous to serve, and fearless to demand, instantly attacked,by note or by message, every rich female at Brighthelmstone; urging thegenerous, and shaming the niggardly, till there was scarcely a woman offortune in the place, who had not given, or promised, a commission forsome fine muslin-work.
The two friends, through this commanding protection, began their newplan o
f life under the most favourable auspices; and had soon moreemployment than time, though they limited themselves to five hours forsleep; though their meals were rather swallowed than eaten; and thoughthey allowed not a moment for any kind of recreation, of rest, or ofexercise; save the sacred visit, which they unfailingly made together,at break of day, to the little grave in the church-yard upon the hill.
Yet here first, since her arrival on the British shores, the immediaterapturous moment of landing, and the fortnight passed with Lady AuroraGranville excepted, here first sweet contentment, soft hopes, and gentlehappiness visited the bosom of Juliet. No privation was hard, no toilwas severe, no application was tedious, while the friend of her heartwas by her side; whose sorrows she could mitigate, whose affections shecould share, and whose tears she could sometimes chase.
But the relief was not more exquisite than it was transitory; a weekonly had passed in delicious repose, when Gabriella receivedintelligence that her husband was taken ill.
Whatever was her reluctance to quitting the spot, where her memory wasevery moment fed with cherished recollections, she could not hesitate todepart; but, when Juliet, in consonance with her inclination and herpromise, prepared to accompany her, that hydra-headed intruder uponhuman schemes and desires, Difficulty, arose, in as many shapes as shecould form projects, to impede her wishes. Money they had none: even forthe return to town of Gabriella, her husband was fain to have recoursefor aid to certain admirable persons, whose benevolence had enabled her,upon the illness of her son, to quit it for Brighthelmstone: and, in asituation of indigence so obvious, could they propose carrying away withthem the work with which they were entrusted? Juliet, indeed, had stillHarleigh's bank notes in her possession; but she turned inflexibly fromthe temptation of adopting a mode of conduct, which she had alwayscondemned as weak and degrading; that of investing circumstance withdecision, in conscientious dilemmas.
These terrible obstacles broke into all their plans, their wishes,their happiness; involved them in new distress, deluged them in tears,and, after every effort with which ingenious friendship could combatthem, ended in compelling a separation. Gabriella embraced, with pungentaffliction, the sorrowing Juliet; shed her last bitter tears over thegrave of her lost darling, and, by the assistance of the angelicbeings[18] already hinted at, whose delicacy, whose feeling, whoserespect for misfortune, made their beneficence as balsamic tosensibility, as it was salutary to want, returned alone to the capital.
[Footnote 18: Residing in, and,--in 1795!--at the foot of Norbury Park.]
Juliet thus, perforce, remaining, and once again left to herself, wasnearly overwhelmed with grief at a stroke so abrupt and unexpected; soruinous to her lately acquired contentment, and dearly prized socialenjoyment. Yet she suffered not regret and disappointment to consume hertime, however cruelly they preyed upon her spirits, and demolished hercomfort. Solitarily she continued the employment which she had sociallybegun; but without relaxing in diligence and application, withoutpermitting herself the smallest intermission that could be avoided:urged not alone to maintain herself, and to replace what she had touchedof the deposit of Harleigh, but excited, yet more forcibly, by the fondhope of rejoining her friend; to which she eagerly looked forward, asthe result and reward of her activity and labour.