The Wanderer; or, Female Difficulties (Volume 3 of 5)

by Fanny Burney

  CHAPTER XLIII

  Left thus to herself, and devoted to incessant work, Juliet next, hadthe vexation to learn, how inadequate for entering into any species ofbusiness was a mere knowledge of its theory.

  She had concluded that, in consecrating her time and her labours to sosimple an employment as needle-work, she secured herself a certain,though an hardly earned maintenance: but, as her orders became moreextensive, she found that neither talents for what she undertook, noreven patronage to bring them into notice, was sufficient; a capital alsowas requisite, for the purchase of frames, patterns, silver and goldthreads, spangles, and various other articles; to procure which, she wasforced, in the very commencement of her new career, again to run indebt.

  Alas! she cried, where business is not necessary to subsistence, howlittle do we know, believe, or even conceive, its various difficulties!Imagination may paint enjoyments; but labours and hardships can bejudged only from experience!

  She was equally, also, unprepared for continual and vexatious delays ofpayment. Her work was frequently, when best executed; or set apart forsome distant occasion, and forgotten; or received and worn, with noretribution but by promise. Even the few who possessed moreconsideration, seemed to estimate her time and her toil as nothing,because she was brought forward by recommendation; and to pay debts ofcommon justice, with the parade of generosity.

  Yet, vanity and false reasoning set apart, the ladies for whom sheworked were neither hard of heart nor illiberal; but they had neverknown distress! and were too light and unreflecting to weigh thecircumstances by which it might be produced, or prevented.

  To save time, and obviate innumerable mortifications, Juliet, at first,employed a commissioner to carry home her work, and to deliver herbills; but he returned always with empty messages, that if Miss Elliswould call herself, she should be paid. Yet when, with whateverreluctance, she complied, she was ordinarily condemned to wait inpassages, or anti-chambers, for whole hours, and even whole mornings;which were commonly ended by an excuse, through a footman, or lady'smaid, that Lady or Miss such a one was too much engaged, or too muchindisposed, to see her till the next day. The next day, when, withrenewed expectation, she again presented herself, the same scene wasre-acted; though the passing to and fro of various comers and goers,proved that it was only to herself her fair creditor was invisible.

  Nevertheless, if she mentioned that she had some pattern, or some pieceof work, finished for any other lady to exhibit, she was immediatelyadmitted; though still, with regard to payment, she was desired to callagain in the evening, or the next morning, with a new bill; her old onehappening, unluckily, to be always lost or mislaid; and not seldom,while stopping in an anti-room, to arrange her packages, she heardexclamations of 'How amazingly tiresome is that Miss Ellis! pesteringone so, always, for her money!'

  Is it possible, thought Juliet, that common humanity, nay, common sense,will not tell these careless triflers, that their complaint is a lampoonupon themselves? Will no reflexion, no feeling point out to them, thatthe time which they thus unmercifully waste in humiliating attendance,however to themselves it may be a play-thing, if not a drug, is, tothose who subsist but by their use of it, shelter, clothing, andnourishment?

  If sometimes, in the hope of exciting more attention from thisdissipated set, she ventured to drop a mournful hint, that she was anovice to this hard kind of life; the warm compassion that seemedrapidly kindled, raised expectations of immediate assistance; but theemotion, though good, took a direction that made it useless; it merelyplayed about in exclamations of pity; then blazed into curiosity, venteditself in questions,--and evaporated.

  She soon, therefore, ceased all attempt to obtain regard throughpersonal representations; feeling yet more mortified to be left inpassages, or recommended to domestics, after avowing that her lowlystate was the effect of misfortune; than while she permitted it to bepresumed, that she had nothing to brook but what she had been born andbred to bear.

  Some, indeed, while leaving their own just debts unpaid and unnoticed,would have collected, from their friends, a few straggling half-crowns;but when Juliet, declining such aid, modestly solicited her right, theycaptiously disputed a bill which had been charged by the strictestnecessity; or offered half what they would have dared propose to anyordinary and hired day-jobber. And whatever admiration they bestowedupon the taste and execution of work prepared for others, all that shefinished for themselves, was received with that wary precursor ofunder-valuing its price, contempt; and looked over with fault-findingeyes, and unmeaning criticism.

  Yet, if the following day, or even the following hour, some suddeninvitation to a brilliant assembly, made any of these ladies require herservices, they would give their orders with caressing solicitations forspeed; rush familiarly into her room, three or four times in a day, tosee how she went on; supplicate her to touch nothing for any other humanbeing; load her with professions of regard; confound her with hurryingentreaties; shake her by the hand; tap her on the shoulder; call her thebest of souls; assure her of their eternal gratitude; and torment herout of any time for sleep or food:--yet, the occasion past, and the workseen and worn, it was thought of no more! Her pains and exertions, theirpromises and fondness, sunk into the same oblivion; and the commonestand most inadequate pay was murmured at, if not contested.

  Now and then, however, she was surprised by sudden starts of kindness,and hasty enquiries, eagerly made, though scarcely demanding any answer,into her situation and affairs; followed by drawing her, with an air ofconfidence, into a dressing-room or closet:--but there, when preparedfor some mark of favour or esteem, she was only asked, in a mysteriouswhisper, whether she could procure any cheap foreign lace, or Frenchgloves? or whether she could get over from France, any particularlydelicate paste for the hands.

  To ladies and to behaviour of this cast, there were, however,exceptions; especially amongst the residents of the place and itsneighbourhood, who were not there, like the visitors, for dissipation orirregular extravagance, that, alternately, causes money to be looselysquandered, and meanly held back. But this better sort was rare, andsufficed not to supply employment to Juliet for her maintenance, thoughthe most parsimonious. Nor were there any amongst them that had theleisure, or the discernment, to discover, that her mind both requiredand merited succour as much as her circumstances.

  Yet there was the seat of what she had most to endure, and found hardestto sustain. Her short, but precious junction with her Gabriella, gavepoignancy to every latent regret, and added disgust to her solitarytoil. Thoughts uncommunicated, ideas unexchanged, fears unrevealed, andsorrows unparticipated, infused a heaviness into her existence, that notall her activity in business could conquer; while slackness of pay, byrendering the result of her labours distant and precarious, robbed herindustry of cheerfulness, and her exertions of hope. With an ardent loveof elegant social intercourse, she was doomed to pass her lonely days ina room that no sound of kindness ever cheered; with enthusiasticadmiration of the beauties of Nature, she was denied all prospect, butof the coarse red tilings of opposite attics: with an innate taste forthe fine arts, she was forced to exist as completely out of their viewor knowledge, as if she had been an inhabitant of some uncivilizedcountry: and fellow-feeling, that most powerful master of philanthropy!now taught her to pity the lamentations of seclusion from the world,that she had hitherto often contemned as weak and frivolous; since now,though with time always occupied, and a mind fully stored, she had thebitter self-experience of the weight of solitude without books, and ofthe gloom of retirement without a friend.

  During this period, the only notice that she attracted, was that of agouty old gentleman, whom she frequently met upon the stairs, whenforced to mount or descend them in pursuit of her fair heedlesscreditors. She soon found, by the manner in which he entered, orquitted, at pleasure, the apartment that she had recently given up, thathe was her successor. He was evidently struck by her beauty, and, upontheir first meeting, looked earnestly after her till she was out ofsig
ht; and then, descended into the shop, to enquire who she was of MissMatson. Miss Matson, always perplexed what to think of her, gave soindefinite, yet so extraordinary an account, that he eagerly awaited anopportunity of seeing her again. Added examination was less calculatedto diminish curiosity, than to change it into pleasure and interest; andsoon, during whole hours together, he perseveringly watched, upon thelanding-places, for the moments of her going out, or coming back to thehouse; that, while smiling and bowing to her as she passed, he mightobtain yet another, and another view of so singular and so lovely anIncognita.

  As he annexed no fixed idea himself to this assiduity, he impressed noneupon Juliet; who, though she could not but observe it, had a mind toomuch occupied within, for that mental listlessness that applies forthoughts, conjectures, or adventures from without.

  Soon, however, becoming anxious to behold her nearer, and, soon after,to behold her longer, he contrived to place himself so as somewhat toobstruct, though not positively to impede, her passage. The modestcourtesy, which she gave to his age, when, upon her approach, he madeway for her, he pleased himself by attributing to his palpableadmiration; and his bow, which had always been polite, becameobsequious; and his smile, which had always spoken pleasure, displayedenchantment.

  Still, however, there was nothing to alarm, and little to engage theattention of Juliet; for though ostentatiously gallant, he wasscrupulously decorous. His manners and deportment were old-fashioned,but graceful and gentleman-like; and his eyes, though they had losttheir brilliancy, were still quick, scrutinizing, and, where notsoftened by female attractions, severe.

  One day, upon her return from a fruitless expedition, as fearfully,while ascending the stairs, she opened a paper that had just beendelivered to her in the shop, her deeply absorbed and perplexed air, andthe sigh with which she looked at its contents, induced him, withheightened interest, to attempt following her, that he might make someenquiry into her situation. He had discerned, as she passed, that whatshe held was a bill; he could not doubt her poverty from her change ofapartment; and he wished to offer her some assistance: but finding thathe had no chance of overtaking her, before she reached her chamber, hegently called, 'Young lady!' and begged that she would stop.

  With that alacrity of youthful purity, which is ever disposed toconsider age and virtue as one, she not only complied, but, seeing thedifficulty with which he mounted the stairs, respected his infirmities,and descended herself to meet him, and hear his business.

  To a younger man, or to one less experienced, or less sagacious, thisaction might have appeared the effect of forwardness, of ignorance, orof levity; but to a man of the world, hackneyed in its ways, andpenetrating into the motives by which it is ordinarily influenced, itseemed the result of innocence without suspicion; yet of an innocence towhich her air and manner gave a dignity that destroyed, in its birth,all interpretation to her disadvantage. His purse, therefore, whichalready he held in his hand, he felt must be offered with more delicacythan he had at first supposed to be necessary; and, though he was by nomeans a man apt to be embarrassed, he hesitated, for a moment, how toaddress a forlorn young stranger.

  That moment, however, sufficed to determine him upon making an apology,with the most marked respect, for the liberty which he had taken inclaiming her attention. The look with which she listened rewarded hisjudgment: it expressed the gratitude of feelings to which politeness wasa pleasure; but not a novelty.

  'I think--I understand, Ma'am,' he then said, 'you are the lady whoinhabited the apartment to which, most unworthily, I have succeeded?'

  Juliet bowed.

  'I am truly concerned, Ma'am, at a mistake so preposterous in ourdestinies, so diametrically in opposition to our merits, as that whichimmures so much beauty and grace, which every one must wish to behold,in the attics; while so worn-out, and good-for-nothing an old fellow asI am, from whom every body must wish to turn their eyes, is perched,full in front, and precisely on the very spot so every way yoursuperiour due. Whatever wicked Elf has done this deed, I confess myselfheartily ashamed of my share in its operation; and humbly ready, shouldany better genius come amongst us, with a view to putting things intotheir proper places, to agree, either that you should be lodged, in theface of day, in the drawing-room, and I be jammed, out of sight, in thegarret; or--that you should become gouty and decrepit, and I growsuddenly young and beautiful.'

  Juliet could not but smile, yet waited some explanation withoutspeaking.

  Charmed with the smile, which his own rigid features immediately caught,'I have so frequently,' he continued, 'pondered and ruminated upon thegood which those little aerial beings I speak of might do; and thewrongs which they might redress; were they permitted to visit us, nowand then, as we read of their doing in days of yore; that, sometimes, Idream while wide awake, and fancy I see them; and feel myself at themercy of their antic corrections; or receive courteous presents, orwholesome advice. Just this moment, as you were passing, methought oneof them appeared to me!'

  Juliet, surprised, involuntarily looked round.

  'And it said to me, "Whence happens it, my worthy antique, that you growas covetous as you are rich? Bear, for your pains, the punishment due toa miser, of receiving money that you must not hoard; and of presenting,with your own avaricious hand, this purse to the fair young creaturewhose dwelling you have usurped; yet who resides nearest to those shemost resembles, the gods and goddesses."'

  With these words, and a low bow, he would have put his purse into herhand; but upon her starting back, it dropt at her feet.

  Surprized, yet touched, as well as amused, by a turn so unexpected tohis pleasantry, Juliet, gracefully restoring, though firmly declininghis offer, uttered her thanks for the kindness of his intentions, with asweetness so unsuspicious of evil, that they separated with as strong animpression of wonder upon his part, as, upon hers, of gratitude.

  Anxious to relieve the perplexity thus excited, and to settle hisopinion, he continued to watch, but could not again address her; foraware, now, of his purpose, she fled down, or darted up stairs, with aswiftness that defied pursuit; yet with a passing courtesy, that markedrespectful remembrance.

  Thus, in a life of solitary hardship, with no intermission but formortifying disappointment, passed nearly three weeks, when Juliet found,with affright and astonishment, that all orders for work seemed at anend. It was no longer the season for Brighthelmstone, whose visitorswere only accidental stragglers, that, here to-day, and gone to-morrow,had neither care nor leisure but for rambling and amusement. Theresidents, though by no means inconsiderable, were soon served; forElinor was removed to Lewes, and her influence was lost with herpresence. Some new measure, therefore, for procuring employment, becamenecessary; and Juliet, once more, was reduced to make application toMiss Matson.

  In passing, therefore, one morning, through the shop, with some workprepared for carrying home, she stopt to open upon the subject; but theappearance of Miss Bydel at the door, induced her, with an hastyapology, to make an abrupt retreat; that she might avoid an encounterwhich, with that lady, was always irksome, if not painful, from herunconstrained curiosity; joined to the grossness of her conceptions andremarks.