The young girl nodded. ‘Yes, sir.’
‘Then we are both enjoying this sunny afternoon.’
She smiled again before lifting the plates she’d stacked on the table and moving away. As she retreated, Lawrence’s smile dissolved and self-loathing unfurled inside him. How was he to convince Esther she could trust him when he continued to keep his shame and fears from her?
To pretend to himself, was to pretend to the universe. Nothing good would enter his life if he kept aloft his barriers of fictitious contentment.
What did it matter if he was in a state of nervous anticipation as he waited for the arrival of a particular woman? He did not need to feel guilty that he longed to spend time with Esther, see her laugh, look into her beautiful eyes and feel the softness of her hand in his. There was no shame in such things. Didn’t he look at lovers in the hotel and on the street and secretly harbour envy for all they had and enjoyed?
The delicate tap of approaching footsteps snagged his attention and he turned.
Esther.
His heart kicked, and he slowly rose, his smile genuine.
‘Hello.’ She smiled, her cheeks flushed. ‘How are you?’
‘All the better for seeing you.’ He waved towards the chair opposite him, the truth of his words making him realise just how miserable he’d been without her. ‘Take a seat.’
She sat and laid her purse on the table.
Words stuck in his throat as he studied her hair, her eyes, her mouth. She was so beautiful and seemed completely unaware of it. His desire for her stirred once more and he quickly snapped his gaze to hers. ‘I’m glad you came.’
‘I was glad to receive your invitation.’ She hesitated before turning to look about the restaurant. ‘Are we alone? I wasn’t certain if your sister and nephews would be joining us?’
‘Cornelia and the boys are enjoying a jaunt in the park with Helen, Rose and Nathanial.’
‘And Cornelia is your eldest sister? Is that right?’
‘Yes. Harriet’s the younger.’
She smiled softly and sighed, looking about the lounge again. ‘This room is wonderful. It almost competes with the luxury of Pennington’s Butterfly restaurant.’
Lawrence relaxed his shoulders at the teasing in her voice. ‘Almost?’
She smiled. ‘Almost.’
He laughed. ‘Are you hungry?’
She nodded, her gaze lingering on his. ‘Famished.’
Lawrence stilled, his entire body frozen by the heat in her eyes. Teasing. Challenging. Nothing in her gaze or demeanour indicated she had a wish to eat food. Although, it was suddenly clear she was ravenous. For what, he dared not think, lest his thoughts illustrated his lust. Or was he a fool to think – to hope – that her desires mirrored his?
The atmosphere had irrevocably shifted. Attraction rose, tangible and arousing. Memories of her creamy, satin-smooth skin, the floral scent of her barely-there perfume surged through his body and mind. God, how he longed to touch her again, kiss her, love her… The hunger in her eyes could not be mistaken. They wanted one another, regardless of their circumstances. But he would not think about, or act upon, his physical yearnings until she understood how serious he was about helping with the Cause. Until she trusted that her thoughts and passions came above everything he might wish for himself.
He turned away and raised his hand to a nearby waitress. ‘Could we each have a glass of champagne and the lunch menus, Jenny?’
‘Of course, sir.’
She walked away, and Lawrence turned to Esther. ‘So, as you’re here, I hope you want to continue with my plan to host an event at the hotel?’
‘I do.’ She inhaled a shaky breath and grimaced as the flirtation in her eyes diminished. ‘But first I want to apologise for walking out on you the way I did. You want to help with the Cause and instead of being grateful, I thought only of my fears rather than the good of the Society.’
‘We all have fears. There’s no need to apologise.’ He reached for her hand where it lay on the table and gently squeezed her fingers. ‘But I think we can easily work through them together. What do you say?’
The light he loved to see in her eyes brightened. ‘Yes, I think maybe we can.’
‘Good.’ He released her hand. ‘Then once we’ve eaten, I’ll take you to my office. I can’t believe how hard Anna, Victoria and Ruth have worked. I want to show you what they have planned for the auction and even the ball. They are determined to organise events everybody and anybody wants to attend.’
‘That’s wonderful. If we’re really going to do this, it has to be spectacular. I should never have doubted your sincerity to help.’
‘If you doubted my sincerity, then the fault lies with me. Every part of me wants to share in this with you. These events and more.’ God willing, you’ll want to be with me as I do you. Spend time with my family and friends. Let me court you as you deserve…
She lowered her gaze to the table for a moment, before her eyes met his. ‘Would you like to join me and my associates in a rally tomorrow? It will be our last chance to do something before the city is taken over by Coronation celebrations.’
He smiled, pleased she’d extended an invitation that showed she wanted to let him in. ‘I’d love to.’
He sipped his water and glanced again at her hand, itching to curl his fingers around hers, but he refrained. Despite her flirtation when she’d arrived, self-preservation and control lingered in her words. No matter how long it took, he would wait to hold her again, wait to make love to her, but, one day, he was certain, she would open to him and let him witness her vulnerability as he vowed she would see his.
Today.
‘I want you to trust me, Esther.’ He stared deep into her eyes. ‘I’ve made no secret that I’d like to spend more time with you, but I understand your reservations. I understand my children affect your feelings, your decision of whether to deepen things between us, and I respect that.’
Her eyes glistened beneath the lights and Lawrence’s heart quickened. Tears.
‘Don’t cry. To see your tears will undo me. The last thing I want is to upset you.’
‘You misunderstand.’ She shook her head and inhaled, her chest rising and then falling as she blew a soft breath. ‘Part of me wishes I hadn’t wanted to come here. That my heart hadn’t leapt with joy when I read your letter.’ A tear quivered on her lashes, and she quickly swiped at it with trembling fingers. ‘Sometimes I wish I didn’t have such a deep distrust that a man will threaten my need to make a difference, but I can’t… I won’t… give that up, Lawrence. Not even for you.’
Even for me? Was she telling him she was falling in love with him? Did she carry the same niggling certainty they were meant to be together? ‘I would never ask you to stop being who you are. You must believe that.’
‘But how can you promise such a thing? Neither of us can predict the future.’
‘But I can promise it. Abigail wanted a husband, a family and a home and I gave all of that to her. If you want to work and continue to support the Cause, I’d never stand in your way.’
Jenny returned to their table, carrying a tray bearing two flutes of champagne. ‘Here we go, sir. Madam.’ She placed down the drinks and offered them each a menu. ‘I’ll be back shortly for your orders.’
‘Thank you.’ Lawrence took his offered menu and nodded. As soon as the waitress walked away, he faced Esther once more. ‘I want you to trust me, to explore where we can go together. Tell me you want that too, and I’ll tell you who I really am. After that, if you wish to walk away and not look back, I promise to never bother you again.’
She frowned, wariness seeping into her eyes. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Things happened to me, Esther. Terrible things I fear I shall never fully recover from.’
‘Things bad enough that you think I might want to walk away?’
He closed his eyes. Her tone was clipped, the warmth and desire of moments before replaced with distance. Damn fool. He�
�d frightened her, but he had to go forward with his truth. To do anything less, would mean he’d lose her anyway.
Opening his eyes, he forced a smile. ‘We’ll enjoy our food and then I’ll tell you everything. If you decide to leave thereafter, it will be with a full stomach, if nothing else.’
‘And if I don’t walk away? If I’m stronger than you give me credit for?’ Determination burned in the depth of her eyes, her shoulders high. ‘What then?’
Passion twisted and turned inside him. ‘Then I’m quite sure if you can find it in your heart to love me, love my children, we’ll not part ever again.’
Please, God, let my every instinct about this wonderful woman be right…
Twenty-Seven
Esther laid down her knife and fork as their main course came to an end, her heart not yet quieted after Lawrence’s confident assertion that, if she accepted what he had to say, their union would be permanent. The thought that they might be together warmed her rather than scared her, but she’d eaten very little. Instead, pushed the food around and around her plate, taking copious sips of her replenished champagne and water as her anticipation escalated. Whatever he told her would not dampen her feelings towards him.
When she looked into his beautiful blue eyes and admired the strong cut of his jaw, she fought the temptation to flee and, instead, stand firm in her decision to fight for what built so tenuously between them.
Although a maiden, she was not naïve to the ways of the world, but she couldn’t help worrying the impulse and desire running through her was nothing more than the wish to be brazen. To grab a few moments, minutes or hours of happiness without any sacrifice to the building of her life on her own terms.
Lawrence had mentioned love. Not just for him, but for his children and, as much as she admired him more for making it clear Rose and Nathanial were a part of him, she had to guard her personal goals like a lioness over her young. Or else, risk hurting so many more people than herself.
The subtle knock of cutlery against porcelain cut through her thoughts.
Lawrence’s gaze was dark with concern. ‘What is it?’
She shook her head and swallowed against the dryness in her throat. ‘I was just thinking about the Coronation. The window is almost ready and—’
‘You’re worried by what I’ve said?’
She slumped her shoulders. ‘Yes. Yes, I am.’
He exhaled a long breath. ‘I promised to be entirely open with you and hope I might receive the same promise from you when you’re ready.’
‘I’m ready now, Lawrence.’ She took a deep breath and slowly released it. ‘My openness is that I’m afraid of the differences it will make to my life if I decide to be with you. Afraid of falling in love with you and your children. Afraid I’ll become so immersed in your family that my passions will eventually snuff out and I’ll find myself with nothing.’
He stared and, with each passing second, Esther’s heart beat faster.
Just as she was about to fill the silence, he spoke. ‘I understand and the only way I have of reassuring you is to say I promise I’ll not let you lose yourself. Not for me, and not for Rose and Nathanial.’
Sincerity shone in his eyes, his jaw tight. What else did she want him to say? How could either of them be certain they wouldn’t disappoint the other? Love was always a risk, was it not?
‘Now…’ He blew out a breath as though gathering strength. ‘I’m not sure how far I should go back with my story, so I’ll start from the very beginning.’ He sipped his champagne and lowered the glass to the table. ‘My father was a successful landowner who built a farming business from next to nothing. He lived in a modest farmhouse when he married my mother and worked day and night to build their finances until he felt they had enough to support a family.
‘I was born and then my two sisters. In between, we moved home twice. The third and final time was to a manor house in Oxfordshire. He named it Culford Manor in nineteen-hundred and died eight years later, leaving my mother extremely comfortable and in want of nothing. She lives there with Harriet, who has somehow become my mother’s clone.’ His jaw tightened, and his eyes glinted with a coldness she thought impossible of him. ‘What I feel about my mother and how she’s influenced Harriet goes beyond and above maddening.’
‘If not maddened by it, then what do you feel?’
‘Failure. Guilt. That I deserve none of this.’ He waved his hand, encompassing the restaurant. ‘Not the hotel. The fortune. The success and accolades.’
Burying her immediate wish to reassure him, compliment and bolster him as she wanted to, Esther sipped her champagne. There was so much she wanted to know about him in her need to be certain they had a chance of succeeding in everything they might do together. ‘Because?’
‘Because I left my sisters behind. I was twenty-five years old, married to Abigail who was pregnant with Rose. I had learned the business of farming, running the estate and looking after the tenants as my father wished when he struck me for the very last time.’
Shock stilled her glass at her lips. ‘He struck you?’
‘As he had for as long as I can remember. From his hand to a belt buckle or switch when I was a child and adolescent, to a fist as I grew older.’
Sickness rolled through her. ‘But why?’
‘Because, as he would remind me daily, he built his fortune from scratch. Working ten- to twelve-hour days until he could afford to employ help. Slowly, that help increased until he was able to buy more land, a bigger house. He felt that if he didn’t make me of the same stock, then I would lose everything.’
Shock and care for him stilled her tongue. He had clearly endured so much for many years. It was a miracle he was the kind, considerate and loving man and father he was today. Anger and revulsion towards his father rose inside her at the same time as shame engulfed her that she’d wallowed in her father’s treatment of her when Lawrence had suffered so much more. ‘And he thought he could ensure your competence through violence?’
He smiled wryly, venom burning in his eyes. ‘Ironically, he did. I have this hotel and I’m without financial worries. What I didn’t want was Culford. On that particular day, he hadn’t struck me for maybe a year, possibly longer. I thought the violence in our relationship was over, but when he raised his fist to me again, I hit back, determined that neither him nor any man would raise their hand to me again. Leaving him unconscious in the field, I walked into the house and asked Abigail to pack our bags. I wanted away from him, from my mother, from the entire estate. Could not bear the risk of becoming my father one day…’
Esther’s helplessness to change his past tightened her hand around her glass. He stared across the room, seemingly lost in thought. ‘Your mother was complicit in this abuse?’
‘Yes. In fact, some part of me thinks she thrived on it. When I was in trouble, she looked positively gleeful about it. Almost as though my father’s anger and ferocity added some sort of elation to their relationship. Dysfunctional is the word I’d use to describe their marriage.’
Pain squeezed her heart. ‘Oh, Lawrence.’
He shook his head and drained his champagne. ‘Anyway, Abigail and I came to Bath to start again in a city where no one knew us. I found some rented rooms and we made ends meet as I worked with various chefs at different hotels. Rose was born and then two years later Abigail died giving birth to Nathanial. I have only returned to Oxfordshire once. For my father’s funeral three years ago. I have fairly frequent correspondence and visits with my sisters here in Bath but vowed to never set foot on the Culford estate again.’
Her mouth dry, Esther took another sip of her drink. Never had she seen such blatant anger in Lawrence’s eyes and it unnerved her. His fury was undoubtedly justified if he was so badly treated by a father who was meant to love him, but could Lawrence’s temper flare like this again? With her? ‘And your sisters and mother? Did your father hurt them, too?’
‘No. With them, he found restraint. That’s not to say he didn’
t verbally and mentally terrorise them.’ He glared towards a spot over her shoulder as though battling for control. ‘If he would have ever raised a hand to them, I’m sure the outcome would have been so much worse than it was.’
‘Meaning?’
He faced her. ‘I would’ve killed him.’
She swallowed. ‘You cannot mean that.’
‘I do.’ His face had whitened, his gaze enraged. ‘Which is why I needed to tell you my truth. The fury I feel when I look back at my life terrifies me and that’s why I am careful to bury it deep inside. I love my children more than life itself and feel I could come to love you the same way. If anyone were to hurt or lay a finger on Rose or Nathanial, I’m not entirely certain what I would do about it.’
‘And you’ve never… met anyone you’ve felt you could care for that way in all those years?’ She looked to the table, feeling foolish but wanting to be sure Lawrence didn’t fall in love easily or court women and then discard them. She had let him touch her so intimately… had let him into her heart. ‘I mean, there must have been—’
‘Dalliances, Esther. Nothing more. You’re different. You must believe me.’
Esther studied him before reaching for his hand and holding it tightly. ‘Feeling you would do anything to protect your children does not make you a monster, Lawrence. In fact, I would wager those instincts are perfectly natural. I have spoken to enough parents to know them all capable of murder when it concerns their children. It doesn’t make them fiends, and I don’t think you one, either.’
Slowly, the anger seeped from his gaze and his shoulders lowered. ‘Do you mean that?’
‘Yes.’ She smiled softly, wanting to dissolve the fear and doubt in his beautiful eyes. ‘You are nothing less than a father who passionately loves and cares for his children and doing all he can to ensure your family history is not repeated. Am I right?’
He squeezed her fingers. ‘Yes. Yes, you are.’
Relieved that he smiled again, Esther released a breath. He had too much good in him to linger in his childhood. Too much care to give others to think badly of himself. The more time they spent together, the more she would do to make him see that. ‘Good. Can I ask when you last saw your sisters before Cornelia arrived? I hope you’ve managed to at least maintain a relationship with them, even if you couldn’t your parents.’
A Rebel at Pennington’s Page 19