Kiss Me Again

by Wood, Vivian

  I look over my shoulder to find Rachel gnawing on her lower lip. “I’m sorry, Grayson.”

  All I can do is shrug. “That past is the past.”

  “Do you mind if I ask about… like…” She pauses, clearly struggling. “You said that you saw some guys in your unit die. Do you think you could tell me about them?”

  I stop walking. Rachel stops too. I don't look at her. I can’t. So I just stare up at the treetops, just where they brush the blue skyline.

  Breathe. Just breathe.

  “I… I’m going to need to think about that one for a while.”

  I still can’t look at her. Her touch on my arm is light. “It’s okay. Just keep on hiking.”

  So I do. I hike most of the rest of the day in silence. The tree line begins to fall away behind us and the ground flattens under our feet. It looks more and more coastal. The soil turns sandy.

  I pause just as the sun begins to sink in the sky. “Do you smell that?”

  Turning my head, I watch Rachel as she lifts her chin. “Mm. It smells… salty. Like the ocean.” She pauses, cocking her head. “I might just be crazy, but I think I can hear it too.”

  “Yep. We are going just fifteen minutes up the shore. There is another ranger station up there.”

  “Good. I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m still tired from last night.”

  I shoot her a look. “Alright. We’d better get you to a place where you can rest, then.”

  We both trudge the last little bit of distance. Underfoot, the sand grows less densely packed, more like tiny dunes. When we come around one big cluster of trees, I spot the ranger hut just up ahead, tucked neatly between sand and trees. It’s definitely small, but at least it has a roof for Rachel to sleep under.

  “Is that the place?” she asks.

  “Yep.”

  “Oh, thank god.” She rushes over to the hut, opening the door. She sticks her head in and then pulls it back out, wrinkling her nose. “I honestly don't know what I expected. It’s just a mostly empty room.”

  Slinging my backpack down, I smile. “There should be a styrofoam cooler in there, though. You know what that means.”

  “Food?” she asks hopefully.

  “Exactly. If you grab the cooler, I will make a fire out here.”

  We go through the motions of setting up the fire and cooking dinner, which turns out to be chicken tacos. As the sun sets and we munch on the tacos, it feels soothing. Like it’s a routine that we’ve been through a thousand times before. I cook, she cleans up after dinner.

  I glance at her as she puts the dishes away. “Hey. Wanna see something amazing? I promise, you won’t have to even put on shoes.”

  Rachel laughs. “You have got me pegged, don't you?”

  “Come on.” I lead her down the beach, straying from the tree line. We both splash our feet in the icy cold water, laughing.

  The land beneath the trees suddenly begins to rise, shooting high all of the sudden. We turn a corner and it’s there, just ahead of us.

  The Tree of Life.

  The ground under the tree has been eroded. Above the land, the tree rises, as green as ever. Below, the roots are exposed, framed by the earth on both sides.

  “That is… amazing,” Rachel says. She strides toward the tree.

  I look at how much bigger the tree is than her. It makes her look tiny, or at least tinier. For some reason, seeing it reminds me that she’s so fucking fragile. I move forward to where she’s standing, studying the tree. Leaning over, I catch her small hand in my large one.

  My heart starts to thud in my chest. She doesn’t even seem to notice that I’m holding her hand.

  “Isn’t it beautiful?” she marvels.

  “Gorgeous,” I say. But I’m not looking at the tree. I’m just looking at her. Remembering how it feels to have a piece of my heart cut from my flesh and just wandering around with her, wherever she goes.

  I’m bleeding already, and we have only been together for a few weeks. What am I going to do when it’s time for her to leave?

  Afterward we sit by the fire, both of us sort of worn out by the day. I look at Rachel, the last rays of sunset framing her face beautifully, and I know a deep moment of aching. I want something more than just to bury my hands in her hair, to pull her close so I can kiss her.

  I don't know what more is though and I definitely don't know how to get it.

  So I pull her in and kiss her. I tell myself that I will have to be satisfied with pulling moans from her lips as we fuck, languid and lazy and still scorching hot.

  In the afterglow, with the fire before us dying, I lay beside her, sucking her scent into my lungs. She sighs so sweetly, nuzzling back against me. I would do anything she asked just now. Anything.

  Still, my words surprise me as much as they do her. “I’ll tell you about Tillson and Danvers now, if you still want me to.”

  She turns her head to look at me. “Yeah?”

  I can’t manage more than a nod. “Mhm.”

  Rachel takes my hand. “I would like that, Gray.”

  Gray. My heart seizes just hearing that word from her lips. I exhale forcefully, silently telling my heart to slow down.

  “Tillson… John Tillson, I mean. He was a year younger than me. He was from Kentucky. He was a farm boy through and through. He was…” I pause, my breath hitching. “Everything was funny to him. He was just one of the most honest, most humble people.”

  It is ripping my guts out to talk about him. To talk about what happened. My eyes mist over and I scrub a hand across my face. “He was my best friend in the Navy.”

  Rachel turns over and hugs me but doesn’t say anything. I suck in another breath.

  “Miguel Danvers was…” My voice breaks a little. “He has two children, Matteo and Elisa. He has a wife, Roberta. I met her a year ago. She’s the nicest person.” Another breath, then I push myself to finish. “He was stern and no nonsense. He was paired with us because he joined the military sort of late. I think… I think if I hadn’t gotten us blown up, he would’ve been promoted out of there pretty quickly.”

  She lays her hand on my chest, directly over my heart. “I know that you already know this, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  I close my eyes, forcing myself to master my emotions. It’s hard to bring them to heel, but I have to do it. “Can we change the subject?”

  She’s quiet for a beat. “Of course. Maybe you can tell me about where we are going next?”

  Relaxing a little bit, I let go of a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding on to. “Sure.”

  Rachel kisses me, little more than a peck on the lips, and then hops up. “I’m going to get a map.”

  I watch her dig through her pack, sucking my lower lip in through my teeth. I have this feeling, reminiscent of the way that I used to feel.

  What is that flip flopping of my heart in my chest, as speedy as a jack rabbit?

  Before I can examine it too closely, I stuff it down and make myself stare at her figure instead.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Rachel

  The next few days fly by in a flurry of collecting samples and hiking around the western part of the park. After we are done exploring the coast, I follow Grayson toward the southern tip of the Olympic Park. It seems so normal now to watch the back of his head as we hike, to wonder what is going on inside his skull.

  When we hit Lake Quinault, a large lake with several big roads that lead to the outside world, we stop at a ranger station. This one is much larger than the ones we stayed in at the last couple of places. As there is a visitor’s center here, it’s got a permanent ranger posting and everything. Plus there are actual amenities, like wireless internet, electricity, and a clean guest cabin to stay in.

  As soon as I drop my backpack on the cabin’s floor, I lie facedown on the bed. It feels so good to lie on, like being on a fluffy cloud. I’m not going to lie, I moan a little, feeling downright spoiled for a minute.

  “Is it that good
?”

  I open my eyes to see a very bemused looking Grayson standing in the doorway. His arms are wrapped across his chest and there is a twinkle in his eye.

  “Yes. I almost forgot how amazing just being on a bed could feel.”

  He comes over, looking at my body suggestively. “I could think of a couple other things that feel pretty amazing.”

  My lips curve upward. I crane my neck backward to see his face. “Yeah?”

  “Mhm.” Grayson puts his hand on my ass, shaping it. Then he trails his touch downward, between my legs. I close my eyes and push against his touch.

  He raises a brow. “You are bad.”

  “Wanna show me how bad?” I ask, wiggling my ass against his hand.

  He laughs. “Yes. Without a question. But…”

  “But what? You are a mystery to me, Grayson.”

  He grins. “Sex will have to wait a little while. I promised Jonah I would help him move a fallen tree. Raincheck, though?”

  “Who’s Jonah?” I ask, momentarily thrown.

  “The ranger.” He rolls his eyes. “He introduced himself when we got here. You need to do a better job listening.”

  I shoot him a glare. “Fine. I’ll just relax by myself, I guess.”

  “You do that. Oh, and you can probably get phone signal here. Jonah was very excited about that. I guess they just built a tower nearby or something. Big news for the Lake Quinalt ranger station.”

  I chuckle at that. Grayson heads out of the cabin, leaving me to spend another few minutes lounging on the bed. Then I get up, figuring that I might as well go ahead and check my phone.

  After digging my phone and its charger out of my backpack, I plug the whole thing in and let it charge for a minute. Then I turn it on and browse through my emails and texts. One email chain in particular catches my attention. It was sent to me and half a dozen other Civicore employees making decisions in the geology department.

  ATTN: CIVICORE GEOLOGY DEPT RE: OLMPIC PARK SAMPLES

  As you likely know, we have been testing the water in the Olympic Park area. We’ve been trying to determine the likelihood that shale formations on nearby lands are ready for hydraulic fracturing. We are hoping to legally unlock lands that are viable for this purpose...

  Fracking? I stop dead, reading that bit again. Fracking is bad. Serious issues often bubble up in the wake of fracking. I heard of earthquakes and groundwater contamination stemming from forcing air sand and water down into shale rock. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg, assuming that the drilling is done perfectly.

  If it’s not, the areas can be left with a poorer quality of air, a lack of usable water, and leaks that can change the ecology wholly.

  I didn’t come out here knowing anything about Civicore’s intentions. Though of course now that it has been said, of course the company had other more nefarious plans. Nothing would have just been done to make me happy.

  Shaking my head, I read on.

  We have determined that the mineral composition of several areas tested is sufficient to continue to move forward with the plan. We have lobbyists and politicians on our side who understand that letting us drill in these sensitive areas is of the greatest interest to everyone involved. We hope to be able to use a mixture of drilling rig types to pull natural gas and petroleum from the ground…

  Disgusted, I stop reading. Fracking in the Olympic Peninsula could destroy the fragile ecosystem I’ve spent the last month probing. Even if they frack outside of the park as the letter seems to indicate they plan to, it could have disastrous results all over the peninsula. I’m actually trembling, I am so mad.

  How did I not see that Civicore was up to no good? How did I not guess that my father had an alternate goal that I wouldn’t like? Moreover, how could Civicore put me in such a terrible position? Now I’m working for a company that wants to come in and tear giant holes in the bedrock all around this area. The park rangers are definitely not going to take that kind of information lightly.

  Yanking my phone free from the charging cord, I angrily call my father. He picks up after four rings.

  “Rachel.”

  Oohh. I narrow my eyes. “What the hell are you doing? What is this fracking nonsense?”

  He laughs. “It’s the same plan that has been in motion for three years over here at Civicore.”

  “And you didn’t think to tell me?”

  “No. I didn’t think I would need to. After all, you were just in the right place at the right time.”

  He tosses that off, as if he were talking about sacrificing a pawn in a chess game he didn’t particularly care about. I pull in a breath through tensed lips.

  “You can’t think that the state of Washington is going to let you frack here. I mean… this is the west coast! Everyone here is politically liberal and already believes in climate change.”

  My father sighs. “Senator Hunter doesn’t feel the same way.”

  “Who?”

  “Senator Mike Hunter. He’s assured me personally that he can get the votes needed to give Civicore access to—”

  “I. Don’t. CARE!” I hiss. “Shut it down!”

  My father laughs again. “Sweetheart, you’re being unreasonable.”

  “Don’t call me sweetheart right now,” I insist. “This is… this is bad, Dad. This is really, really bad.”

  “Well, again. Civicore’s board has had plans to move into doing business in Washington state for some time, so… I’m afraid that supersedes your personal opinions on the matter. Besides, there is basically no one out there.”

  I scrunch my face up. “Yeah, no one except the entire city of Seattle.”

  “Anyway,” my father cuts in, ignoring me. “Since your trip has been so successful, Civicore released all the funding, contingent on the immediate return of its assets.”

  “What does that mean?”

  He gives a long-suffering sigh. “You, darling. I mean you.”

  My stomach plummets to my feet. “What?”

  “Your office is being readied as I speak. It’s not a corner office, but I figured you could work up to that—”

  “No one gives a fuck about the office!” I snap.

  My father is silent for several seconds. “You should be wary of what tone you use with me, Rachel.”

  “Well, I’m not sorry.”

  “I’ll see you in a few days, then.”

  “What? No, I plan to work out the rest of the summer in this job.”

  That makes him angry. “It’s like your entire head is stuffed with cotton. You don't listen! Your little vacation—”

  “It’s not a vacation!” I seethe.

  “Your vacation is over, Rachel. You have two weeks to show up in this office, Clay at your side. And look happy about it.”

  “Or what?” I demand to know. “You’ll cut the purse strings?”

  He lets out a bark of laughter. “You don't even know what that means. Your mother and I have spent upwards of a million dollars on raising and educating you…”

  “So what?”

  “So… think about that before you decide you’re going against me. With no trust fund and a very large, interest bearing loan stacked on your head, it will be hard to stand upright, much less make your way through the world,” he snarls.

  “What loan?” I ask, genuinely confused.

  “Well, let’s begin with your education. That’s a quarter of a million alone. And then the vacations, the penthouse in downtown Manhattan, all the trappings of your lifestyle—"

  “You can’t force me to come back,” I threaten.

  “I will send people to hunt you down and bring you back if I need to. And anyway, the National Park Service will turn you out on your ass the second I ask them to. You just wait and see—”

  I cringe, disconnecting the call. Incensed, I whip my phone at the wall. It hits noisily and then slides down to the floor.

  Burying my head in my hands, I find myself in tears. What am I going to do?

  I know my f
ather is serious about hanging all the debt that he threatened on me. I’ve seen it time and again, people who are mostly innocent taken down by Civicore’s army of lawyers. In the face of a million dollars or more owed? I will drown in it.

  Oh my god. And the fracking… I can’t tell Grayson about that. I just… I will be so ashamed. I may not have come here with malicious intent, but by coming here at all I unwittingly helped Civicore make up their minds to frack in this state.

  Oh, Grayson will never forgive me.

  And judging by my father’s tone, he is likely on the phone with the National Park Service right now, demanding that I be shipped home. I will be a pariah as soon as anyone in the ranger service finds out what Civicore has used me to do.

  I get up and close the door. Then I sink against the wall, sliding to the floor, tears overcoming me.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Grayson

  I lie in the uncomfortably small twin bed, breathing Rachel in as she slumbers. She’s solidly asleep on my chest, even drooling a bit, but I don't mind. I just suck in deep breaths while she lies there, her chest rising and falling.

  She looks so peaceful.

  Being with Rachel for these past weeks has reawakened something in me. Something raw and animalistic, yes. But also something… more tender, more compassionate.

  I feel lucky to get to touch her and downright euphoric when she caresses me. I am possessive of her now, of her time and of her body, though I don’t know if I have any right to be.

  I’ve been meditating on exactly what the change means for me, in my life. I mean, I assume that the time will come that Rachel will have to go back to New York. It makes my heart ache, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

  What will the unlocked part of me do when she’s gone? I can rage against it as much as I want inside, but on the outside I will have to play it cool. At least until she’s gone.

  I don't know how I’m going to do that exactly, but I’ll figure it out.

  Glancing at the feeble sunlight as it filters in the window, I realize with a start that I stayed inside all night. Granted, most of that time we were fucking. Part of that time I was passed out. But still! That’s pretty major for me.