“Sorry. No. Damn it. That didn’t come out right. Sorry, but I mean I know it’s made your life hard. Someone you trust doing that. It must be hard to trust anybody. I can’t imagine what you went through. What it’s done to you.”
Maddie stopped; her eyes focused on her boots caked with mud. She shook her head, her voice was soft, apologetic. “It makes you hate yourself. It destroys you inside. Deep, deep inside, bit by bit. Your soul, eaten away. Self-worth shatters into a million little pieces. And you have to pretend, to yourself and everyone else, that everything’s all right. Keep telling yourself that it wasn’t a big deal. But all the time you’re thinking, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get over it?’” Maddie grabbed Joe’s arm and tugged it hard. “I’m sorry. Let’s go. We have to find hm.”
“Yeah. Sure.” Joe stood and looked at Maddie. He brushed her bangs aside so he could see the left side of her face. He rubbed her nose with his glove. “Your nose’s so red. Needs warming up.” She laughed. Joe leaned down and kissed her lips. He wanted that touch to linger, to feel the warmth of her sweet flesh on his lips. She pushed him away.
Maddie turned around and started walking in front of him. “It’s the shame and guilt that eats away at you, that destroys everything, tells you you’re a piece of crap, not worthy to live. So you have to hurt yourself, cut yourself up. Because that’s what you deserve. You have to hate yourself and … and everyone else should hate you. That’s what you deserve.”
“Maddie. Don’t say that. That’s so untrue. It wasn’t’ your fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty about what a grown man did to you when you were thirteen.”
“Yes I should.” Maddie stopped, turned around and looked Joe in the eyes, then looked away. “Joe. I liked it. I liked what he did to me. It was like someone loved me. I wanted it. I hate myself because he did it and I hate myself because I liked what he did and I wanted it and missed it when it stopped. Why shouldn’t everyone hate me?”
“No matter how you felt then, no matter how much you may have … liked it, even wanted it, you’re not guilty. He was the evil mother-effing bastard. Not you. No one is going to hate you because of what some perverted, wicked human being chose to do to you. Please don’t hate yourself. Maddie you’re so damn lovable it’s … unbelievable.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. She wiped them away. “I know I should believe that. I know that. But I’m afraid I never will. That’s what I’m afraid of most of all. That I will never, ever believe I’m worth anything.”
Joe searched for the right words; words to convince, to prove – words to set her free. A wave of hopelessness engulfed his heart. He slowly lifted her chin and shook his head. “Wounded, not ruined. Damaged, never ever broken.”
“Cracked, never shattered. Geez. We need to get going. I’m going be in so such trouble. We better hurry up and find him.”
Joe pointed as he spoke. “Come on then. The house is up that way. If go straight down over there, we’re bound to find him.”
“Or we’ll freeze to death, never to be found.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“There! Down there!” Maddie pointed toward a slight incline leading to a clearing. “He’s got to be there!"
As they reached the bottom of the slope, Joe shouted, “Steven! What the hell ya doing? Steven!” Steven lay motionless on the snow-dusted ground, wearing only boxer shorts. “He’s gone and froze himself to death. Find his grandparents! He is flippin’ crazy.”
The two knelt down. Maddie’s voice trembled, “He’s so blue. Is he breathing? God help us.” Joe frantically took his jacket off and nestled it around Steven’s freezing torso. Maddie covered his legs with her coat and rubbed hard and fast. She whispered, “We’re too late, aren’t we?”
Steven moaned then murmured, “Crap. Didn’t know it’d take so damn long to freeze to death. Tired of this. Got to be a better a way. Give me some lessons, Joe.”
Joe lay on top of Steve and rubbed his shoulders. “Screw you Steven. Just when I think you’re as crazy as crazy can be, you prove you’re even crazier. Come one. Get the heck up, start moving around. Where’re your damn clothes?”
Maddie said. “They’re here, but they’re frozen, stiff as a board. He’s better off just wearing your coat right now. We need to get him to the Jeep.”
Joe shook Steven. He winced and groaned. His words didn’t want to come out. “Is still Christmas? Did police come? I called ’em, after said goodbye to dad. From store at bottom of hill. Bet didn’t come. They need to take care of father.”
“They came and they took your father away. They’re taking care of him.”
“Don’t let’em take me. Joe. Can’t do it again. State custody. Ward of the state. Rather die.”
“No you wouldn’t.” Joe helped Steve to his feet.
“Would. Would too.” Steven’s teeth chattered.
“Don’t worry. It won’t happen. You're coming home with me.”
“He told me you’d come, that … that you both come. Didn’t believe him. He said, ‘Good friends always going to come.’ Said, ‘Good friends always care. Good friends not gonna let you die.’ Didn’t believe him. Should always believe grandfather.”
“Yeah. He was right Steven. He was right. We weren’t going to let you die. Come on get up, get moving. The police should be gone. We’ll get your stuff and you’re going home with me.”
Steven rubbed his arms, and started jumping up and down. “Can’t feel anything yet. He knew you’d come. He knew you were good friends.”
***
‘Stop. Stop here.” The Jeep stopped four houses down from Joe’s home. His father, in short sleeves, was carrying a large box. His sister followed carrying a laundry basket filled with clothes.
Steven’s motorcycle screeched to a halt just before the front wheel hit the Jeep’s bumper. The horn blew letting out a feeble high-pitched hoot, which caused Joe to cringe. He looked back and saw Steven throw up his arms and shout out some indistinguishable obscenities. He motioned Steve to calm down and muttered, “Idiot.” Then threw his head hard against the headrest. “I don’t believe this. My dad’s moving his crap in. He’s really coming back. And does it on Christmas day. Christmas day for Christ sake. I think I’m sick. It’s like he’s thinks he’s giving us the greatest of all Christmas presents. I’m not going in there. Never. This is a disaster of catastrophic life altering proportions. I don’t believe this.” Steven beeped his horn again and shouted more choice words. Joe waved at him to be quiet.
Maddie put her hand on Joe’s shoulder and rubbed it. “It’s Christmas. You have to be with your family. It’ll be okay.” She chuckled. “I’m beginning to think you have a rather disconcerting habit of exaggeration.”
Joe shot a mean glare, then closed his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t appreciate the teasing. You really don’t understand. You don’t get it. I … I flippin’ hate him. I do.”
Maddie said. “Don’t say that. You don’t hate him.”
“I do, with every bit of my … soul and my … Whatever, I can’t go in there.” Joe tried to hide emotions that were scaring him. He spoke slowly, “I don’t know what I’ll do Maddie. I really don’t.”
Maddie rubbed his hair, then stroked his cheek. Joe’s rage receded slightly. She said, “You won’t do anything. Go, be with your family. Be thankful, just be thankful. Joe, maybe it’s time to start forgiving. Maybe it’s a chance … to get things right.”
Joe glanced at her and a faint smile emerged. Naïve. She was so naïve. And so beautiful. He leaned his head back. “Maddie?”
“What?”
“About … what happened … back there.” Joe wanted to look at her, but couldn’t seem to turn his head. “Sorry for that thing I did. That was stupid. Really stupid.”
“I assume you mean that most inappropriate and ill-timed kiss.” Maddie said, then smiled.
What kind of smile was that? God, what’s going on inside her head, her heart? “Well, yeah. I shouldn’t have … you
know, done that.” Joe knew his words came out awkwardly. He could feel his face getting flushed.
Maddie laughed. Joe couldn’t decipher its source; embarrassment, irritation, indignation, indifference? “It’s okay.” She said in a tone just as vague as her laugh.
It’s okay? Okay that I kissed her – or okay, it’s not a big deal but never ever do it again. Joe looked at her and forced a feeble grin; he knew it must have come across as a sheepish grin that reeked of embarrassment.
Maddie looked away and motioned toward Joe’s home. “Forget it. Okay? Who else is there? For your Christmas?”
Forget it? He could never forget it. So maybe it wasn’t the right time; but it was right. Something that feels so good has to be right. Every morsel of his being wanted to feel her lips against his again. Joe took a slow breath before he answered. He tried not to, but he sighed before his words came out. “Grandparents, my aunt and uncle, two pain-in-the-ass cousins.” An image flashed through Joe’s head, of walking through the door with a wild Indian beside him. A rush of sheer panic caused his body to shudder. “My God Maddie. What am I doing, bringing a crazy Indian here? This is all cracked up, a disaster. You know what it’s like? It’s like I’m bringing a puppy dog home, expecting everyone to thinks it's so cute that they won't dare say I can't have it. ‘Can I keep him mom? Can I keep him? It’s Christmas mom, can I keep him?’ This is insane. I can’t do this. This is all too much.”
Maddie laughed; a real laugh, a belly laugh that led to a snort. “I’m sorry, but that’s funny. It’ll be fine. It will be. Don’t worry. If he keeps his mouth shut for a while, they’ll think he’s an adorable little wild Indian needing some love and some warm milk and cookies. And I’m sure you can get him house trained, fairly quickly.” She chuckled again but quickly caught herself. “Sorry. No. Really, it will be okay. It will.”
Steven pounded twice on the car window and pushed his face against the glass. “What’s going on? Let’s go. You trying to freeze me to death? Hell’s bell’s. Let’s go.”
Joe groaned and shook his head. “Just a sec. Just a sec.” He looked at Maddie, “Maybe Steven should go with you. Really, it’d be okay. You know, just for a while. Just tonight maybe. I just can’t take him in there today. Not with all that’s going on.”
Steven hit the window again. “A sec’s up. What’a ya waiting for? What’a ya’ll talking about? Let me in.”
Maddie whispered, “My God, you’re not serious? What do you think my parents would say? Sorry, no. Mom will be knocking on my door any minute. I’ll be grounded forever if they find out I sneaked out again. And what’d you think they’d say if some guy is sitting in my bedroom? I’d be dead and he’d be dead. Joe, I really have to go. It’s nearly 10:30. I’m sure he’ll be fine with you all. It will work out. And Joe, you’re doing the right thing. You’re doing a good thing. But I have to go. Geez, I really have to go.”
Steven beat on the window. “Come on!”
“Yeah. I’m sure. Everything’s gonna be just wonderful. Yeah the perfect Christmas.” Joe opened the door and slowly got out.
“Hey. What’s your cell number?” Maddie asked.
“203-7684.”
Maddie put the number into her phone. As the Jeep began to move, she shouted, “See you. See you both … soon.”
Joe’s eyes stayed fixed on Maddie’s Jeep as it sped down the street. He pointed toward the motorcycle and muttered, “Roll your bike down the side of the house.” After the Jeep turned the corner, he looked at Steven and curtly said, “And for God’s sake, don’t start the damn thing. We don’t need to announce our arrival.”
“Why not? That’d be … be a cool introduction. Don’t you think so?” Steven said and started the engine and revved it. Joe quickly shut it off and took the key.
“No it wouldn’t.” Joe’s cell phone began playing AC DC’s ‘Hell’s Bells.’
Maddie spoke. “You will see me. Won’t you.”
“Yeah.”
“You have my number now. Call me.”
“Sure.”
“Promise?”
“Sure, yeah, soon.” Joe slipped his phone in his jacket pocket and threw his hands into the air and shouted, “Yes! Yes!”
“She loves you.” Steven said with an obnoxious and childish smirk.
“Shut up Steve. It’s not like that. Now, listen. You’re a friend whose parents are away for Christmas. Away because … because someone in your family died, yeah, a great aunt. And I felt sorry for you, so I asked you to come over for Christmas day. Got it?”
“So you have to lie about me.”
“Yeah, I do. Today anyway. You don’t want all my relatives knowing what’s going on. They’d have CPS out here in a quick minute. I’ll have to ease my mom into this. And I have no idea what my dad will say. Just please act sane for once. Show some manners and say as little as possible.” Joe took a deep breath and shook his head. “This is going be …”
“Freakin’ great. Come on let’s go.”
***
Joe and Steven climbed over the rail to the front porch. Joe opened the window to his bedroom and slipped Steven’s duffle bag and backpack onto the floor and shut the window. Joe grabbed Steven by his collar and swung him around before his friend was about to open the front door. “Just don’t say much of anything. Alright?”
Steven pushed Joe away and said, “What’s your problem? Let’s go.” Steven opened the door and started to walk inside when Joe caught his collar again, “Damn it. Wait. Let me go in first.”
Steven followed Joe through the front door into the entranceway. Joe peered around the archway opening to the living room. His grandparents sat on the green leather sofa with Chuck nestled in-between them. Uncle Hank was in a recliner with his aunt Charlotte sitting on the floor, her right arm rested on her husband’s knee. Sarah stood poking fading embers in the fireplace. His sister and two cousins sat by the Christmas tree prodding presents that were begging to be set free. Just the scene he’d imaged as Christmas neared; the proud Christmas tree, the glowing fire, a pile of presents ready to be unveiled and the succulent aroma of a turkey cooking. And the family gathered together; his family being a family. Finally, Christmas had arrived – but so had his father. Spoiled. Spoiled. Why would mom let him come here today? And this flippin’ mess with Steven. Oh God why? Worst Christmas ever.
Steven pushed Joe through the archway. His grandfather pointed and said, “My goodness, look who has graced us with his presence.” He hoisted himself up from the sofa, took two wobbly steps and shook Joe’s hand.
His grandmother hugged him and rubbed his hair. “Looking good. Joseph. Merry, Merry Christmas.” She paused and shook her head. “Not very good of you to go missing like that, and on Christmas morning. Worrying us like that.” She embraced him again and said, “But here you are. Merry Christmas.” She kissed him on the cheek.
“Well, well, Little Joe. Not trying to ignore us are you?” Hank said as he reached out to shake Joe’s hand. He quickly returned to his seat as if worried someone would take his place.
Charlotte gave Joe a warm embrace, then stood him at arm’s length and said, “You’re looking very well. Very well indeed. You gave us all such a … Well, yes. Merry Christmas Joe. And this must be the friend you said you had to see so early on Christmas morning.”
“Yeah. Sorry. This is Steven. A friend from school. He didn’t have anywhere to go. His parents had to go out of town. A death. His mom’s sister. I couldn’t leave him home alone today.”
“Geez. Why couldn’t he go with them? It’s Christmas. He should be with them. Shouldn’t he?” Amber blurted.
Steven shook his head, then said, “I get really carsick. They don’t dare take me anywhere. It’s not safe. Once it starts coming, well it comes and comes. It’s a horrible, smelly mess.”
“Well, we certainly wouldn’t want you to be alone on Christmas. You poor thing.” Sarah paused and shook her head. “Steven it is good to have you here. And how sad for
your mother to lose a sister at Christmas. Terrible. I am sorry.” Joe’s mother then gave Steve a quick and hesitant embrace.
“Oh don’t worry. She was just an old worn out bitch anyway. Nah, never liked her. It’s kind’a good she’s dead. Thanks for having me. I feel like I’m with family already. I really …”
“So Steven. This is my Aunt Charlotte and uncle Hank. They’ve come from Oklahoma City. That’s Cat and Tracy, the two most obnoxious cousins in the state. And Amber, the most annoying sister in the country. My grandparents and mom of course. Then Chuck, the most arrogant and know-it-all brother in the world.”
Chuck stood and nodded and reached out for Steven’s hand. He glanced at Joe and said, “Joe, what’a ya doing? This is that kid from…”
“From Roosevelt, he played football there last year. You wouldn’t have met him. He just transferred to JFK this year.” Joe’s eyes pleaded for Chuck to shut up and play along.
“No. I’ve seen him before. Yeah, it was at your last football game last year. It’s the wild Indian that ran for a sixty-yard touchdown. I remember.”
Steven had a sly smile. “A thing of beauty wun’it. Unforgettable it was.” Steven’s smile grew. “I got the ball. Closed my eyes and …”
Joe blurted out. “Steven’s hungry mom. He’s famished. What’d we got?”
“Oh dear. We’ll fix that.” Sarah took Steven’s arm and said, “Now, come sit here, young man. Amber, run and get a hot chocolate for Steve and some cookies. Christmas dinner won’t be long, if you can hold on.”
“Oh boy. You bet. Smells like heaven.” Steven inhaled. “Yeah buddy, I must be dead and in heaven.”
Sarah laughed, then looked at Joe and said, “We have a surprise for you Joe.”
Joe’s lungs quickly filled to capacity, his chest puffed up. His words shot out, “It’s not a surprise mom. It’s just the only thing that could ruin Christmas. Where is he?”
“Joe. Just don’t start.” Chuck said under his breath.
“Your father is upstairs, sorting out a few things. He’ll be down shortly.”
Joe felt his throat tighten and his face heat up. His stomach churned – the volcano’s insidious pressure mounting. Control it. Control it .He took several slow breaths. But he felt his soul and heart begin to shake.
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