Last week Mr Yates, the incoming council leader, tweeted after a series of Argus articles on the state of the city’s public toilets: ‘I’ve just been for a sniff around Pavilion Gardens public toilets. Clearly a big investment is required to bring them up to modern standards. But despite their failings I found clean toilets.’
Days later, the council announced a £1 million investment to renovate public lavatories.
And last week Councillor Yates had recycling bins placed in the foyer of Hove Town Hall after The Argus reported Green Party councillors were critical of the availability of recycling facilities.
No.1 Couple’s Virgin Media service cut off after somebody hacked into their account and watched porny movies without paying for them. Three times.
Meet Ron and Ann. Persons unknown somehow hacked into their Virgin Media account and used it to view late-night movies of a pornographic nature on multiple occasions.
In 2009, 2012 and 2014, in fact.
And they’re simply not going to pay the £900 that Virgin Media say they owe. Why would a retired lorry driver and his wife even want to watch that volume of scud when you can get it in ample quantity, for free, on the internet (so I’m told)?
Everybody on God’s cold Earth knows that Ron is innocent and that something has gone horribly, horribly wrong at Virgin HQ. Yet, once again, The Man refuses to concede that they would have made a mistake.
However, there are mischief-makers in this world determined to bring calumny and grief down on this sweet couple because of a single photograph which – they say – tells a completely different story.
“He knows something,” people say, leaving their implication clear.
They are wrong of course. Ron was simply not ready and was caught out by the camera flash.
Ron is innocent, and this is the hill on which I am prepared to die.
No.2 Naked neighbour has put me off sausages for life
This is the article that sparked the idea to start the APILN blog, so I think it deserves a second mention.
Denise is, by all accounts, a mild-mannered resident of a western suburb of Reading.
Her life was turned upside-down and inside-out the day her neighbour decided to do a bit of gardening wearing nothing but a pair of old boots.
On multiple occasions.
“I would see him two or three times a month, naked, mowing the lawn or cleaning the window, always naked apart from a pair of boots,” she told the Post.
“Put it this way – it has put me off my sausages for life.”
Of course, this would have been a run-of-the-mill court report had the paper not asked for a photo of Denise displaying her fear of sausages in the most literal manner possible.
The question which remains is whether the sausage was the model’s own, or whether the photographer turned up with a raw sausage on a fork ready for the shoot.
We will never know, because we have been completely unable to track down the brave photographer, so we had to draw it instead.
No.3 ‘We’re sick of this’ – Residents deliver dog mess to mayor
Dog poo stories are ten a penny in local newspapers, so it’s going to take something very special indeed to crack our top ten. And here it is.
Katherine here is sick of the fact that the authorities in her community on the northern tip of New Zealand’s South Island don’t appear to be taking the problem of dog mess particularly seriously.
She and her friend Ray are on a mission to solve the problem, and from the photograph it’s one hell of a sacrifice for her to take.
‘It is one big dog toilet down there,’ the campaigning duo say.
You may wish to copy Katherine’s expression by simply sucking on a lemon, then trying to pick up a handful of dog crap.
No.4 He left a dump instead of a tip – Taxi driver’s crap night out
To be honest, we could have chosen any photograph from Darwin’s NT News, because Australia’s Top End is a very weird place in which to live.
Also, their photographers are supremely skilled in the dark arts of the angry local newspaper photograph, especially when faeces, UFOs, crocodiles, booze, or a combination of all four are involved.
But here’s taxi driver Kishan Lalka reliving a shift he’s never going to forget in a hurry, in which he turns around to find a fare doing what the fair people of Glasgow call a ‘jobbie’ on his back seat.
Because of questions of good taste, we’ve declined the kind offer of a photograph of the bottom used in the Crimewatch-style reconstruction, because some of you may be of a sensitive nature, and may find the sight of an arse with a large mole on the left cheek somewhat disturbing.
Lord knows that we do.
No.5 ‘I almost fell in it’: Royston slimmer’s disgust at line of dog poo left at bus stop
Like we were saying, dog poo stories are ten a penny, so it’s entirely down to the photograph to turn it into a classic.
And Slimming World rep Lynsey came up trumps with her epic kneel-and-point at a pile of turds in Royston, Herts.
‘Live happy!’ screams her Slimming World Bag, but the look on her face shows that she is not living happy at all.
And not only is she pointing, she is also thinking of the kiddiewinks: ‘It looked like a horse had done it. It’s terrible. What if a child was there and fell in it?’
I would dare say that the kiddiewink would have been covered in dog poo.
And while we’re here, if you’re a member of the Slimming World cult, you may wish to consider my foolproof plan to win the Slimmer of the Month prize.
Weeks one & two: Go to your weigh-in with your coat pockets filled with heavy fishing weights and builder’s rubble
Week three: Go to your weigh-in with your coat pockets filled with just the fishing weights
Week four: No weights or rubble. You cult coordinator will be amazed, and the Slimmer of the Month cake will be all yours.
No, you’re welcome.
No.6 Gravesend couple sleeping in garden after thieves steal gate
We’ve all been there. One minute you’re living the life of Riley in your two-up two-down somewhere in suburbia, and the next you’re taking it in turns to sleep on the driveway to guard your stuff in case the thieving curs make a return trip.
And they’re right, because everybody knows that the theft of gates is a gateway crime.
The more observant among you will note that among their ‘stuff’ is a potato impaled on a stick, one of Tracey Emin’s earlier works, now valued at over £10,000.
‘Ah-ha!’ I hear you ask, ‘why don’t they just take the potato impaled on a stick indoors?’
You idiot.
The full title of the work is Potato on Stick next to Garden Swing Seat on a Driveway in Gravesend. You’d be wrecking priceless, award-worthy art. This being the case, our hero here is doing God’s work.
No.7 Biscuit lover stunned to find plain digestive in milk chocolate pack
We’ll be the first to admit that this photograph was conceived and executed on the pages of the Angry People in Local Newspapers Facebook group (You should join, it’s excellent!).
‘Ahoy hoy!’ James said in the traditional Pompey greeting, ‘I’ve had this life-changing problem with a packet of biscuits, and I was wondering if I should take a photograph, pointing at them in an angry manner and send it to the local paper in Portsmouth.’
‘Yes. Yes you should,’ we said.
So he did.
Although we consider James nothing short of a BLASPHEMER for even considering a purchase of milk chocolate digestives, because plain ones – as we all know – are God’s own choice, we cannot fault his commitment to the cause by producing an absolutely textbook news photograph.
‘I was quite surprised. It’s the last thing you expect to see,’ he told The News, unaware that other last things you should expect in a packet of biscuit include sharks, Hitler’s Mein Kampf, or one of Nigel Farage’s pubic hairs (framed, numbered and autographed).
�
�I wondered if it was a Willy Wonka kind of thing and I’d won a tour of the McVitie’s factory.’
James did not win a tour of the McVitie’s factory.
No.8 POTHOLE MISERY: No new money to tackle weather-beaten roads in Oxfordshire
We’re going to lay our cards on the table and admit that we are huge fans of Mark Morrell, otherwise known as Mr Pothole.
In a world of clueless angry people and self-appointed experts, Mr Pothole is a genuine expert who knows his stuff and isn’t afraid to get out there – in any weather – to campaign for better roads.
Also, he creates great photo opportunities, as this little number from the Oxford Mail will testify.
What, he asks, if an oldiewonk were to come up against a yawning great pothole on our roads?
Disaster, is the answer. Disaster.
The trouble being that nobody’s got any money to repair potholes these days, so sooner or later, you’re going to find a horizontal oldiewonk in the middle of the street, and we were warned.
He is the hero we all need, a hero in hi-vis. We should treasure him.
No.9 Farmer willing to use force to protect his Christmas turkey stock
We can’t have an Angry People Top Ten without Christmas being ruined for somebody, and this is the most ruined Christmas we could find.
This farmer is sick of dogs ruining Christmas by attacking his turkeys, so he is more than prepared to use deadly force to make sure that your turkey arrives on your dinner table without unsightly tooth marks.
And, yes, you are saying ‘Get orf moi laaaaand’ in your head right now, which shows you have a latent prejudice against people who work our land so that you can eat. You selfish bastard.
Kids: Keep your dogs under control in the countryside, it’s not worth it.
No.10 Customer left flabbergasted by a Wigan baker’s 8p sauce charge
Wigan is the pie capital of the world, so here’s a gentleman who came over from Stockport and turned the entire town on its head by asking for a sausage butty.
And it came as something of a shock to our hero that he should be charged eight of Her Majesty’s new pence for a squirt of HP Sauce.
As we all know, the only acceptable sauce on your sausage sandwich is tomato, and things were already on a downward spiral the moment he eschewed pie for some high-falutin’ out-of-town snack. So some might say that 8p for a squirt of HP Sauce is everything he deserves.
But these people are wrong. Britain is a country of laws, the Magna Carta, and almost saying something when somebody pushes in front of you in a queue. So if our man wanted HP Sauce on his sausage butty, then he should have got HP Sauce on his sausage butty FOR FREE, as laid out in the Condiments Act of 1951, which I have just made up.
If bakers want to continually flabbergast their customers, then they are perfectly free to do so. But not on our watch. Free sauce for everybody, we say, and request sales folk quietly add 8p to the price of pie and we’ll say no more about it.
Copyright Pages
Photos/Clipart
here © Howard Lawes
here © Dave Noonan/Toowoomba Chronicle
here © Simon Harris
here © Kerry Allen
here © John Hammond
here © Jenny Hague
here © Devon Live
here © Romford Recorder
here © Liverpool Echo
here © SWNS
here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here, here, here, here, here © Shutterstock
Cover images
Mouldy rolls: South Wales Evening Post
Cassette: Alistair Coleman
Winter is coming: Kent Messenger
Ladyboys: Manchester Evening News
Crème brulee: Kathy Bartlett
Tables turned: South Wales Evening Post
Council’s tree failure: Fleet News and Mail
Lowestoft poem: Lowestoft Journal
Portishead letter: Bristol Post
Residents ignored: North Norfolk News
Give me Jesus, not a snowman: Mavis Noble
Selfish parking: Royston Crow
No nudes is good news: Ely Standard
Parts problem: Wolverhampton Express and Star
Win an Apple: Waltham Forest Guardian
Humble pie: Herts Mercury
When chips were chips: Isle of Wight County Press
Articles
here lyrics to song © Richard Lister
Food
1. ‘Dive-bombing gulls ruffle the feathers of cafe owner’ by Adrian Miller © Guernsey Press
2. ‘Sports coach irate with KFC because staff “didn’t cook him chicken” ’ by Anna Farley, Penny Cross © Plymouth Herald
3. Toddler banned from vegan child’s birthday party for wearing cow onesie’ by Simon Harris © SNN
4. ‘Yuk! There are maggots in my Fray Bentos pie’ by Newsdesk © Worcester News
5. ‘Couple’s shock after “vegetarian” product incorrectly labelled’ by Patrick McLean © Wiltshire Times
6. ‘Family eat Quality Street Christmas dinner after pub “ruined” festive day’ by Eve Buckland © Wiltshire Times
7. ‘Father’s disgust at rubber dummy in bag of Iceland rice’ by Chris Humphreys © Swindon Advertiser
8. ‘Fury after Morrisons wouldn’t sell couple meat pies before 9am’ by Keane Duncan © Gazette Live
Transport
1. ‘Fury at plans to spend £54,000 on bus signs’ by Chris Elliott © Cambridge News
2. ‘Learner driver mum slams “crazy motorists” for driving her nuts’ by Samar Maguire © Cambridge News
3. ‘Train enthusiasts call for “wave of carnage” ticket office closures to be reversed’ by Ben Welch © Epsom Guardian
4. ‘Bus stop labelled “ridiculous” after council workers paint lines across driveway’ by Andy Baber © Wiltshire Times
5. ‘Cyclist lies down in “absolutely ginormous” pothole in Plympton’ by Katie Timms © Plymouth Herald
6. ‘Angry people meet to discuss parking problems around Devonport Dockyard’ by Jon Lewis, Katie Timms © Plymouth Herald
7. ‘Couple lose £1,200 Las Vegas break after booking flights from WRONG Birmingham’ by Alison Stacey © Birmingham Mail
8. ‘Man furious over “poorly kept” traffic island’ by Robin Murray © Wiltshire Times
Crime
1. ‘Sunday trade moves are Satan’s work says cleric’ Newsdesk © Guernsey Press
2. ‘Not again! Jeremy Corbyn TEDDY vanishes’ by Tom Edwards © Worcester News
3. ‘Devon mum installs CCTV because yobs throw ONIONS at her house’ by Anna Farley, Jamie Hawkins © Devon Live
4. ‘Hull pensioners’ fury as they are “plagued” by scammers’ by David Spereall © Hull Daily Mail
5. ‘Naked gardener “puts neighbour off sausages” ’ by Get Reading Newsdesk © Get Reading
6. ‘Anger as thieves posing as workmen steal paving slabs’ by Alex Grove © Hull Daily Mail
7. ‘Huge arrow shot at house in Worcester’ by Robert Hale © Worcester News
8. ‘ “Senseless vandalism” as trees snapped within hours of being planted’ by Hannah Mirsky © Cambridge News
9. ‘Traffic cone man slams court appearance as “ridiculous” ’ by James Connell © Worcester News
10. ‘Cornwall woman’s anger after car vandalised outside her own drive’ by Graeme Wilkinson © Cornwall Live
Anti-social News
1. ‘Butcher warned by police to tone down risqué signs by Becky Loton © Stoke Sentinel
2. ‘Residents demand action on area plagued with worst dog poo problem in town’ by Lewis Clarke © Devon Live
3. ‘Ball bombardment leaves west Belfast woman “a nervous wreck” ’ by Mary Louise McConville © Irish News
4. ‘House fire started by a squirrel disrupts funeral procession’ by Ramzy Alwakeel © Romford Recorder
5. ‘ “Angry church seagull keeps attacking me and all I
want to do is play Pokémon Go” says Devon man’ by Alex Richards, Lewis Clarke © Devon Live
6. ‘Concerned parent says “disgusting” dog mess is being left around village’ by Hannah Worrall © Worcester News
7. ‘Woman living on building site after eighty neighbours move out’ by Connor Dunn © Liverpool Echo
8. ‘Family scare as fox gets in through cat flap’ by Swindon Advertiser Newsdesk © Swindon Advertiser
9. ‘Bird scarer is driving us (and our dogs) round the bend!’ by James Connell © Worcester News
10. ‘Postie cries foul over language of pranksters’ by Sarah Taylor © Worcester News
11. ‘Catford fox horror for man on toilet’ by Sarah Trotter © News Shopper
Money
1. ‘I’m so angry that charity shop didn’t let me buy blouse’ by James Savage © Worcester News
2. ‘ “That’s disgusting” – grandmother’s horror at dirty stains on mattress’ by Tina Robins © Swindon Advertiser
3. ‘Here’s my parking fine – in 1p pieces’ by Wiltshire Times Newsdesk © Wiltshire Times
4. ‘Father’s shock as he sees £500k overdraft after having bank account frozen’ by Josh Walton © Brighton Argus
5. ‘Repentant passenger fined “outrageous” £600 for £4 train fare dodge’ by Chris Binding © South Wales Argus
6. ‘Hull man’s anger as he is fined for visiting Asda twice in one day’ by Phil Winter © Hull Daily Mail
7. ‘Grange Hill star’s business struggling after online banking “fiasco” ’ by Andy Datson © Croydon Advertiser
Angry People in Local Newspapers Page 11