“No…” the elf groaned, his eyes growing wide.
“Make the right choice, Raulis,” I told the elf, gently putting my hand on his shoulder, “and I’ll see you get outta this safely. I just wanna know about your business with Mr. Sentega.” The elf looked thoughtful for a moment, then, pushing his long blue hair back, looked at his hand and saw blood on it. I felt his body stiffen. This motherfucker probably never had anyone make ‘em bleed before, I thought to myself.
“No, I won’t do it,” Raulis said, trying hard to regain his perfect elven composure. “I have the highest of honor, loyalty, commitment. My clients trust me, they know they’re secure with me. I won’t betray them now because some—what—” He looked over at me, eyeballed Skreech in the rearview. “A hobgoblin, his filthy little goblin companion, their imaginary crew of orcs, are threatening me with violence.”
I looked back at Skreech with some surprise. This elf was one tough prick, I had to give ‘em that.
“Raulis,” I growled at the elf, “you’re not thinkin’ straight -”
“I said no.” Raulis shook his head. “Let that be the end of it. I don’t know what you think you’re after, but you’ll get nothing from me. Go back to working the McDonald’s counter, hob, you’re not a very good larcenist.”
“Oh, a fuckin’ racist elf to boot!” Skreech quipped.
“You know what, have it your way, pal,” I snarled at him, then sucker punched him hard in the face. He reeled, not seeing it comin’, and honestly I needed to fuckin’ vent so I let into the elf, slugged ‘em hard.
“Where’s your dexterity now, dickhead?” the little goblin chortled.
“Skreech, get the fuck out the car and yoke this asshole out, we’re goin’ to the orcs.” As Skreech jumped out the back and flung open the driver side door, the elf started to whimper.
“Come on, let’s go tough guy,” I said, disgusted.
“No...wait,” the elf whined, “hold on, what is this, what’s going on? What...Why is this happening?” He sniffed at the blood starting to run from his nose.
“You’ll figure it out,” I replied, then, nodding to Skreech who was holding his crowbar like a fuckin’ baseball bat, said, “remember what I told you before. If you give me what I need to know, I’ll let you go free, but if you keep bein’ fuckin’ stubborn, well…” I looked at him pointedly. “You’ll be hurtin’ yourself, really.” I shrugged my shoulders. The elf sat there for a moment, shaking his head and holding onto the steering wheel tightly.
He started muttering some shit I couldn’t understand.
“What?” I asked him.
“No,” he said again, simply, firmly.
“Raulis, either you’re comin’ willingly, or I’m gonna fuckin’ drag you there.”
The fuckin’ prick just shook his head and held on to the wheel tighter. “No!”
“Alright, man, alright,” I rumbled, “you fuckin’ jerk. Skreech, you know what to do over there.” The little goblin smiled and, as the elf turned to look down at the goblin, Skreech swung his crowbar hard against the elf’s hands which were gripping the wheel for dear life. The elf cried out and Skreech swung again, aiming for the leg closest to him. Raulis started to squirm, started to yell out for help.
“Get out of the fuckin’ car, Raulis!” I yelled in his face, started to shove him out, “Skreech, keep hittin’ this stupid fuck!” Now, I don't know if you ever gotten hit with a crowbar, but that shit hurts. This wasn't no Atari thing where you can get hit with a sword ten times like it's nothing. I was hearing bones break, him biting his tongue as his jaw got whacked, the fucker screaming like we we're gutting him. Finally, I pushed hard and the elf tumbled out the car, whimpering and shaking and bleeding on the ground of the parking lot, his nice suit and loafers scuffed and ruined. I told Skreech to help me tie him up, and I yanked off his tie, using it to gag him. When he was tied up, I had Skreech help me throw the elf in the trunk of his Cadillac, then told Skreech to follow me in the Mustang. The short little sack of shit could barely see over the fuckin’ steering wheel but we were just goin’ a couple miles down the road. As we pulled out to head towards the meet-up spot with the orcs, I could hear Raulis thumping around in the trunk. Tough shit, I thought coldly. If it’s one thing that pisses me off it's stubborn fucks who don't know what’s good for em’.
“Now we’ll see if you won’t talk, ya elf prick!” I yelled back to the elf.
Chapter 8
“Teek, what’d I say about no funny shit?” J-Maxx asked, walking over to the Cadillac, having been waiting impatiently outside his monstrous fuckin’ Tacoma, and peering inside only seein’ little old me, “where’s the elf?”
“What elf?” I asked with false-genuine wonder. J-Maxx looked at me in confused anger. I popped open the door and got out slowly. Maurice, ahead of the rest of the gang, started to walk over, having noticed J-Maxx come up closer to me, and suddenly I realized that both these big fucks were standing by me, their heavy ass breathing soundin’ like a fuckin’ bull after it’s been worked up. Skreech pulled in and parked behind me, momentarily distracting the orcs. “He’s in the trunk, you idiots, relax,” I told the orcs, walking back towards the trunk. “Was this supposed to be some drivin’ Miss Daisy shit? Should I have handed him a copy of the L.A. Times, maybe asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee while I fuckin’ kidnap his ass? Of course I put him in the trunk!”
“Shut up already,” J-Maxx blurted. “Let’s see him.”
I shook my head and used the key fob to make the trunk unlock and open up. Nice, I thought. A terrified elf with blood-matted blue hair in a soiled business suit was revealed.
“You already had to rough him up a bit, huh?” Maurice seemed mildly impressed and disappointed somehow at the same time. While the orcs looked down in amusement at the elf, who muffled some obscenities at them, I noticed that Skreech had snuck up behind me and slipped my modified .40 caliber Smith & Wesson into my back waistline discreetly, then he moved away and came back from a different direction, sauntering over as if he had just come from the car. I gave him a small nod, which he returned.
“Listen, J-Maxx,” I said, coming up next to the orc and speaking low, hoping the elf wouldn’t hear, and keeping my bandana on and up in front of him, “I told this elf prick if he gives up the info we need, he can go free. Maybe you should assure him of the same, and we can all head home a little early.”
“Whatever gets the job done” J-Maxx rumbled, off-handedly. “Hey, elf prick.” J-Maxx was still looking down at Raulis, who was looking at the orcs all fuckin’ bug eyed, “if you tell us what we need to know, you can be on your fuckin’ way.” I saw a flash come across the elf’s eyes, one of supreme anger and distrust, but one which also had some hope to live and get past this night. After a moment the elf stopped trying to squirm around in the trunk, looked up at the orc, studied his eyes briefly and nodded. J-Maxx nudged Maurice with a big elbow, which must have been an unspoken go-ahead, ‘cause Maurice grabbed the elf, violently yanked him out of the trunk, his head and face making a Thump! noise as it clipped the bottom trunk lip, stood him up-right, and roughly yanked down the tie which I had used as an improvised gag.
“This is fucking outrageous, how dare you treat me like this?” the elf spluttered, looking around wildly. Maurice, in a flash of hulking muscle, and still in front of the elf, smacked the shit out of Raulis, making him cry out in pain and making his whole body spin nearly all the way around.
“You’ll speak when you’re spoken to, elf,” Maurice said coldly.
“Raulis, come on man, what do you really owe Sentega anyways?” I tried to plead with the guy. “You’re gonna lose your life over some scumbag business deal? Some rich human asshole who would give you up in a fuckin’ heartbeat if he was the one havin’ to squeal on you?” I looked around at the orcs and Skreech, shaking my head and acting like this was the dumbest fuckin’ thing I ever heard.
“Whether he would or not is irrelevant,” the elf croaked, though with so
me hesitance. His shining armor of virtue thing was starting to break. “This is my business. If I gave up my client’s privacy, who would ever trust me again? Who would ever work with me again?” I looked at J-Maxx in surprise, a look to say, ‘can you believe this fuckin’ guy?’ J-Maxx shook his head then turned an angry eye back on the elf.
“I don’t have time for this,” the orc snapped, walking over to Raulis. “What is it? What is the package? Where the fuck is it?”
“I don’t know what it is! And even if I did, I would never tell a filthy orc!” the elf cried. Oh you fuckin’ idiot, I thought, feeling some pity for this elf who couldn’t help but say the wrong fuckin’ thing, at the wrong fuckin’ time. J-Maxx snorted derisively, looked around at his audience, then seized the elf by the throat and brought him up to his face.
“Fuckin’ tell me what you know, now,” J-Maxx growled, some of his spittle hitting the elf’s face. The orc tightened his grip. “Or I’ll snap your little fuckin’ pencil dick neck like it was a tooth pick!”
“Alright! Alright! You win you bastard!” the elf managed to choke out, his eyes turning a deep red and looking like they were about to burst. J-Maxx promptly dropped the elf on his ass. He’s gonna have a real fear of choking from now on, I mused. “Look,” the elf said, still gasping for breath and trying to get a hold of himself. “I don’t know who told you what, but you’re already too late. The private train with Mr. Sentega’s cargo left Los Angeles two hours ago, on the Emissary Executive line, I.D. F0916B, bound for Chicago, so, really, you see, you’re wasting your time.” Now that he was squealing on his client, the slippery elf fuck couldn’t have spoke more rapidly.
“Too late?” I shouted, turning to J-Maxx. “Too fuckin’ late? ‘Lotta fuckin’ runnin’ around for too late. Thanks for this.”
“Shut your fuckin’ mouth, Teek,” Maurice warned. The other orcs and the sallow junkie from before, the one that pissed himself back at the warehouse, came up behind him.
“What else?” J-Maxx asked the elf. Raulis threw up his arms and started shaking his head. “What else?!” the orc roared, causing the elf to shake and spill the rest of the only currency he had left in this life: information.
“It...It’ll be heavily guarded, Mr. Sentega insisted on our diamond tier security package. And the cargo will be contained in the middle car of the train. That’s all I know.”
“Sounds like he’s holdin’ out,” an orc called out, having noticed a thoughtful silence had fallen on us.
“Yea, he’s fuckin’ holdin’ out on J-Maxx!” another orc shouted. The elf just shook his head and whined.
“You holdin’ out on me, elf?” J-Maxx rumbled, looking down at the elf, gettin’ gassed up by his crew.
“No, no, I swear, Mr. ...Mr. J-Maxx. Uh… uh… it’s the 12th car on the train. It’s making stops in Denver and Kansas City. I swear, now, I’ve told you all that I know!” Raulis cried, then, rising to his knees. “Please! I have a family! I’ve told you everything! Please!”
J-Maxx sneered down at the elf. As he made the elf desperately beg and plead I started feelin’ sick, this shit was pathetic to watch and I had other shit to do than see an orc torment some asshole elf.
“J-Maxx, let ‘em go, man,” I said as casually as I could to the orc. “We told him if he gave up the goods, he could keep it movin’. He gave it up, more or less.” J-Maxx looked at me for a moment, deep in thought, looked to the elf then back to me.
“You know what, you’re right,” J-Maxx agreed, nodding, “much as I like busting elf skulls, we did give ‘em our word, after all.” He looked over to Maurice. “Untie ‘em and stand ‘em up.” Maurice and another orc quickly stood Raulis up and yanked off the rope me and Skreech had used to tie up the elf’s hands and feet. The elf started rubbing and touching on his new bruises with his busted, bloody hands and looked around wild-eyed.
“Okay, elf prick, a deal’s a deal. Kick rocks, get on your horse and ride,” J-Maxx said. Raulis looked from the orc to me, then started walking with uncertainty towards his Cadillac. I caught Raulis’s eye as he stumbled closer to his car, gave him a small nod, and saw him give me a stare like he'd seen a ghost.
“Oh, by the way, I can’t believe I almost forgot…” J-Maxx called out, filled with good humor. BOOM!
Chapter 9
A shotgun blast. I couldn’t hear anything for a moment after that, just a ringing in my ears, but I saw J-Maxx grinning, Maurice and the other orcs cackling. The human ran back to the orc’s truck. I saw the smoke lazily drift up from the barrel of the sawed-off shotgun in J-Maxx’s hand, still aimed at Raulis the elf, who crumpled on top of the guts that J-Maxx’s shot had blown out of his body, right in front of him.
“What the fuck was that?!” I roared at the orc. “We both told him we’d let him live! What the fuck?!”
“What next, you going to cry like a bitch over it?” J-Maxx said nonchalantly, passing off his sawed-off shotgun to one of the other orcs. “He’s a fuckin’ elf, now he’s a dead elf. What is the fuckin’ problem?”
“What kinda fuck shit is that?” I shouted. “I gave him my word, you did too! Does your word not mean a fuckin’ thing?” I noticed the orcs started to group around me.
“Watch what the fuck you sayin’, hob,” J-Maxx rumbled. “My word is real good, but I don’t owe a fuckin’ thing to some elf prick. You hobs got a beef with the elves goin’ way back, don’t ya? Well, so do we.” He motioned towards himself and the other orcs.
“That’s foul, man,” I bitterly told the orc, shaking my head. “Don’t tell me one thing then do another, and shit on my word in the meantime.”
“What do you wanna do? You wanna send chocolates to his bitch elf wife? Let her know our thoughts and prayers are with her? How ‘bout a fuckin’ Whitman Sampler?” J-Maxx looked back at his crew and gloated in their laughter. He’s right, the fuckin’ piece of shit, I thought grimly, the fuck am I gettin’ worked up for over some dead elf prick? Sorry pal, I did what I could for you—I looked at the elf’s corpse briefly—but you were a fuckin’ jerk to the end, and that’s that. I still got shit to do whether you lived or didn’t.
“If you’re gonna shoot someone in front of me at least fuckin’ warn me next time, I’m not a fan of surprises,” I muttered bitterly.
“Duly noted, Senator,” J-Maxx said sarcastically, then, turning serious. “So, what do ya think?”
“I’m thinkin’ we should track the train, figure out it’s stops somehow, then we’ll go to a stop and snatch it there,” Maurice said.
“I didn’t ask you, I asked him.” J-Maxx scowled at the other orc, causing him to quickly shut his mouth and glare at me.
I looked back at him thoughtfully for a moment, then turned to J-Maxx.
“Well we definitely ain’t doin’ that, since a security team would probably be on high alert at scheduled stops. And who knows if it’ll stop at all.” I pulled off my bandana and tossed it to Skreech. “This is gonna sound crazy as fuck, but I’m thinkin’ we’re gonna have to hit the train while it’s still movin’.”
“How?” J-Maxx and Maurice asked at the same time. Skreech looked at me in a way that clearly asked, ‘are you fuckin’ crazy?’
“Let me think a minute,” I answered, then, starting to pace. I noticed the orc’s monster truck Tacoma. “Those trucks are good for off-roading, right?”
“Might as well be tanks, but what’s that got to do with anything?”
“Alright, check this out,” I said, excited too, feelin’ the score gettin’ closer, “this will be the railroad and the train movin’ on it here, ok?” I said, using my hand in the air to demonstrate a position. “We’ll come up on both sides, one truck will speed up, then park on the railway, which should force the conductor to pull the emergency brake, at which point—” I used my other hand, showing it pull up alongside the other, “—we’ll jump on there, deal with the security, grab the shwag and get off.” I looked around, “any questions?”
“Sounds fuckin’ wild.
I like it,” J-Maxx said after a few moments, sounding impressed.
“We’re gonna need to come heavy,” I warned J-Maxx, “don’t be yellin’ out to me for a piece and a clip if shit goes south.”
“That’s not very brotherly of ya, now is it?” Maurice asked.
“Yea, well, a gun fight ain’t very brotherly and it ain’t a place I’m tryin’ to be. The way I see it, I’m runnin’ and gunnin’, I’ll catch ya later at the spot if you make it out.”
“Speaking of which,” J-Maxx began, “where should we meet at after?”
I looked at J-Maxx, my patience about to snap. “That depends on where we can snatch it at, now don’t it?” I said, trying to keep calm.
“There’s a lotta states between here and Chicago,” Maurice added, cautiously. I looked over at Skreech, saw he had helped himself to one of my joints. I motioned for him to bring it over and took a couple hits.
“If the train left two hours ago,” I started, “it’ll be passin’ Vegas in about four hours.”
“Vegas?” J-Maxx asked, surprised.
“Yea,” I said confidently. “Trains don't move as fast as cars.”
“Hold on, that gives me an idea,” J-Maxx said, then, turning to one of the other orcs with him said, “get me the phone, get Brock on the line.” The orc hustled over to J-Maxx’s truck, rooted around for a moment in the backseat, then brought back a mobile phone the size of a brick.
“Nice,” I said, nodding towards the new mobile phone, an electronic that just hit the market recently. “I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ one myself.”
“It’s the future,” J-Maxx rumbled back, then, getting on the mobile phone after his orc lackey punched in the number. Some crazy noise almost as bad as that AOL dial up thing rang out. “Brock. Yea. Yea, it’s me. I got some work to throw your way. I need you to keep an eye out for a train, it’ll be crossin’ over to Nevada sometime tonight,...the number? Shit, yo, Teek,” he said, looking over at me. “What was the tag the elf said?”
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