“You are wrong. Lorgil is happy with me. The problem is you, not her. If you will not bear me any more offling, then I will take a Third Choice, one I will choose myself. And you can spend every night of the rest of your life in here, alone in the dark,” and he stormed out, whipping the new curtains aside as he passed through.
Kyana winced as he left but was relieved that in his anger, he had not destroyed her new curtains.
But what she would give for a nice solid stone wall instead of the flimsy hangings. And oh, how she wished she could also erect a stone wall around her heart so Nox’Tor could never hurt her again.
She sat on the sleeping mat where he had just been, and in the protective privacy of her solitude, Kyana prayed for strength.
The next morning, Nox’Tor announced he would be taking a Third Choice. Lorgil stood silently next to him, refusing to look out over the crowd. No one spoke or moved, all waiting stiffly to be dismissed. Lorgil started to leave, but Nox’Tor grabbed her arm to stop her.
“Let go, please. You are hurting me,” she said as she winced from his grip. “Owwww,” she cried out.
“Let her go.”
Nox’Tor turned around to face his son, Norland, who was already a size larger than his father. The Leader released his grasp on Lorgil, who quickly stepped a distance away.
“This is none of your business, son. Move along.”
“The mistreatment of any female is every male’s business. And I am no longer your son. I thought I made that clear some time ago.”
In the background, Toniss, her mate Trak, and Kyana were making their way over as quickly as possible. Wosot soon joined them, and the crowd, which had started to break apart, now stopped to watch the unfolding drama.
Trak stepped forward to stand next to Norland. “I do not know what has happened to you, but you are destroying our community. It is clear the females do not wish to return to the old ways, yet you have decided that is how it should be because it suits your needs.”
“I do not care what you think, Trak. You are no one to me, just the male who roks my mother.”
Toniss stepped forward and slapped her son hard across his face.
“How dare you,” she snarled. “How dare you speak so. You have no concept of what it means to be the Adik’Tar, and I am beginning to wonder if you ever will. Norland would make a far better Leader than you. Or your own brothers, who you never speak to any longer. If you cared at all about our people, you would step aside and let one of them take your place.”
Nox’Tor snarled but did not move against his mother. Under his breath, he said, “They may be your sons by Trak, but they are not my brothers!”
“Your mother is right,” said Wosot. “You should step down. On the day after you became Leader, you assaulted me because I did not address you quickly enough as Adik’Tar. You broke Sacred Law, but I did not press it as you were clearly under a great deal of stress. But you then made wide-sweeping changes without consulting anyone else, and now you have acted aggressively toward a female. No male of honor, and certainly no Adik’Tar, conducts himself so.”
Nox’Tor spat on the ground next to Wosot. “You are all jealous and badly mistaken if you think Norland could lead Kayerm better than I. Besides, Norland is not qualified to lead—as he himself says, he is no longer my son. Now get out of my sight and let there be no more talk of this. I am the Adik’Tar, and anyone speaking against me will be thrown out just as my father expelled Ridg’Sor’s followers.”
And throwing a piercing look in Kyana’s direction, he stormed off.
Wosot, Norland, Trak, and Toniss stood watching him leave. Kyana and Lorgil came over to join them.
“Nox’Tor broke Sacred Law,” Kyana said, her voice low. “Your grandmother is right,” she added, looking at Norland. “You should lead Kayerm.”
Norland stared at her, “You are not serious.”
“I think she is,” put in Trak, “and I agree with them both.”
“So do I,” said Wosot.
Norland shook his head. “I just cannot believe he has turned into this bully, but there has been enough turmoil and upheaval here. I will not agree to forcibly usurp his leadership. And despite how he is acting, he is still my father.
“If you wish me to take over leadership of Kayerm, you must convince him to step down willingly. If you can do that, then I will accept the mantle. But more division is the last thing we need.”
“If anyone had a chance of reaching him, it would be you, Toniss,” said Kyana. “But after how he just treated you, I am not sure even you can influence him any longer.”
“Word about how he acted today will quickly spread,” Toniss pointed out. “He may not be able to find another female willing to be his Third Choice.”
“I do not know what has happened to him,” mused Kyana. “And no matter what he has done, I do not wish him, or anyone, to suffer. Something has changed him, embittered him. I believe it is his belief that his father abandoned him. I know he blames Ushca for that.”
“How can that be?” asked Toniss. “How can any of this be Ushca’s fault?”
Kyana sighed. “He told me that after E’ranale chose Moc’Tor, and Ushca was released from her bond with him, Ushca pursued Straf’Tor. His father then abandoned you, Toniss, to be with her. He blames Ushca for luring his father away from you.”
“That is not how it was at all. I must set this straight with him after he has had some time to cool off. If that is what is causing this bitterness, perhaps there is hope after all.”
“Kyana,” said Lorgil. “May I stay in your space tonight? I do not wish to be alone with Nox’Tor.”
“Of course. I would enjoy the company. And our room is more than large enough for us females.” Kyana’s sons had taken separate quarters some time ago.
“I will move my sleeping mat now.”
“Wait up,” said Wosot. “I will help you in case he has circled back and decides he does not like your plan.”
That evening, the two females sat talking before Kyana’s daughters came in for the night.
“I am seeded,” said Lorgil. “I wanted you to be the first to know.”
Kyana looked at her, “Are you glad?”
“In a way, yes. At least I will have my own offling to love and care for.”
“Does he know?”
“Not yet. Later, when he calms down, I will tell him. It will be a while before I show.”
Outside Kyana’s room, Wosot laid stretched out in the hallway. He hoped his presence would give them some peace of mind, though Nox’Tor had not yet come looking for Lorgil as they had suspected he would. In fact, Nox’Tor did not return to Kayerm for several days.
The Leader had stormed off, leaving his mother and the others behind. Without looking back, he did not stop until he was quite a way from Kayerm and far out of sight. He followed the curve of the hillside, taking no mind of where he was going. He only knew he wanted to get as far away as possible.
After a while, calmed down, he came across a small opening along the foothills of the mountain range. It was a small cave of only one chamber that he had often sneaked away to as a young offling. Still not wanting to return to Kayerm, he gathered supplies and made a place for himself to spend the night. Alone, he lay there in the dark, listening to the coyotes yipping from the far ridges. He knew that in time hunger would drive him back to the community, but he vowed he would wait to go back until he could not stand it any longer.
In the end, it was not hunger or thirst that drove him back, but loneliness. Traveling through the dark of night, he returned to Kayerm, steeling himself for whatever was to come. He was relieved when he found no one outside, only the barest glimmer of the night fire’s dying embers. He quietly slipped through the halls and gently pulled back the hide curtain of the room he shared with Lorgil. His heart sank when he saw their sleeping mat empty. Exhausted, he found a water gourd, and after quickly draining the contents, took his place alone on their sleeping mat.
&n
bsp; From his position outside Kyana’s living space, where he had faithfully remained since the altercation, Wosot saw Nox’Tor slinking away around a corner. Confident that the Leader could not get past him to the females and family inside, Wosot stretched out again and got as comfortable as he could for the remainder of the night.
Early the next morning, once Kyana and Lorgil had safely gone about their daily business, Wosot found Toniss and told her that Nox’Tor had returned and where to find him.
Hoping he would still be there, Toniss made her way down the passages.
Exhausted, Nox’Tor did not hear his mother enter but did wake when she crouched down next to his sleeping mat. Before he remembered where he was and what had happened, his face lit up at seeing her familiar face.
“Get up. I need to speak to you.”
Nox’Tor sat up and pushed back to rest against the smooth rock wall. The events of the past few days came back to memory and his smile faded.
“I am going to speak now, and you are not to interrupt. Listen carefully to what I tell you, as your future and the wellbeing of Kayerm depend on your truly paying attention and not waiting for me to stop talking just so you may disagree. Nod if you understand.”
Nox’Tor nodded; the last few days of living on his own had softened some of his steely arrogance.
“Centuries ago, long before you were born, Moc’Tor took over leadership of Kthama from his father. Moc-Tor was revered by the community and held in high esteem by the other Leaders. He was a visionary, a true Leader. In those days, the males mated indiscriminately with the females. Though Moc’Tor was often approached and could have mated as many females as he wanted, he kept to his three. E’ranale, who was First Choice, and Ny’on and Ushca, who were his Second and Third Choices. As you know, in time, it became necessary for Moc’Tor to order that one female would be paired to one male, and that was it. Furthermore, it was the female’s right to choose. Of course, this soon happened across all of our communities.
“Though Moc’Tor treated all of his females kindly, there was only one true love in his life, and that was E’ranale. So it is true what you have said, when E’ranale chose Moc’Tor, then his Second Choice, Ushca, was free to choose another male, as was his Third Choice, Ny’on.”
Nox’Tor stirred to get more comfortable but wisely did not interrupt.
“E’ranale met with us females many, many times, trying to help us determine who to pick as our mates. We were uncertain, having been so accustomed to being used by the males at will without regard for our preferences. We had been taught that what we wanted did not matter. During the time before, your father mounted me often, though he also mated with other females. I do not know how many, but I know that there are several who bore his seed, and his offling are spread through the communities, as, no doubt, are Moc’Tor’s. When we were discussing how to choose, E’ranale asked if I would choose Straf’Tor. Everyone was shocked when I said no, I would not choose Straf’Tor.”
Nox’Tor sat up straight. “What?”
“Hush. I had the chance to choose your father. But it was I who rejected him. He did not reject me. It was a source of pride to be chosen by Straf’Tor, but our union was—uninspired—for lack of a better term. The truth was that Ushca and Straf’Tor had been in love for some time, but they denied themselves out of loyalty to Moc’Tor, Ushca being his Second Choice and Straf’Tor being his brother. Once the path was open for them to be together, they paired immediately, and from then on, they were inseparable.”
Toniss paused to make sure Nox’Tor’s attention was still with her.
“It is important you understand this. Your father did not cast me aside for Ushca. Nor did Ushca edge me out. I was not hurt by his pairing with her. I was relieved. Had it not been for this, I would never have been free to have the life I enjoy with Trak.
“So, if you are bitter because your father left, and you are blaming Ushca, thinking your father would have been with me if it were not for her interfering, you are dead wrong. If in your heart you must blame someone for this, it is me you should blame for never loving your father. But had I not stepped aside, your father and Ushca would never have been together. As a result, he would never have known true happiness. No one was hurt by what happened, except in your imagination.”
Toniss paused for a moment to make sure Nox’Tor was still with her.
“So, tell me, now. Given the choice, would you prefer I had chosen your father though he was not in my heart and nor was I in his? Would you prefer your father had been denied the years of joy he found with Ushca? And that I could never have found happiness with Trak?”
Nox’Tor did not move. His eyes searched his mother’s face. Finally, he slowly shook his head, no.
“It is important that you get your thinking straight because your misunderstanding is causing you great bitterness. Bitterness against Ushca, which is neither fair nor warranted. Your father loved Ushca; he never loved me. And I did not care because I never loved him either.”
“It hurts to hear you say that,” he said quietly.
“Sometimes, the truth does hurt. But it is only the truth that can set you free from your suffering. In this case, suffering based on a falsehood that you have decided upon in your own mind. Yes, your father lost Ushca, and with that, he lost the will to continue, but to love is to open yourself to loss. They are two wings on the same bird.”
Nox’Tor waited to see if she was finished.
“I would like to be alone now,” he said.
Toniss nodded and rose to her feet. She looked at her son a moment longer, praying to the Great Spirit that the truth would bring him healing.
Nox’Tor sat there for a long time. It was not Ushca’s fault. She had not taken his father away from Toniss. It did not change the fact that Straf’Tor had left, but if he and Ushca had loved each other as much as Toniss said, perhaps life without her was unbearable. I used to love Kyana. But after my father abandoned me, I turned my heart against her.
Though it was already daylight and he was very hungry, he stayed put, reflecting deeply on how he had behaved since taking over the leadership of Kayerm.
When Toniss left Nox’Tor, she crossed paths with Wosot, who was standing just inside Kayerm’s entrance. They locked gazes, and Toniss nodded slightly before going on her way. Wosot closed his eyes and prayed to the Great Spirit for healing for them all.
Nox’Tor left Lorgil’s quarters sometime before high sun and gathered some supplies. Wishing to spend the day in solitude, he walked with his head down, not acknowledging anyone. He returned to the little cave he had found, to take refuge there once more.
That evening, Nox’Tor approached as Kyana and several others sat around the night fire. Toniss had told Kyana and Lorgil that she had spoken to her son, and asked them to pray that her words would take root in his heart and replace his bitterness with wisdom.
As he approached, Nox’Tor looked at Kyana with reawakened eyes. She was lit by the firelight, her beautiful dark eyes, her striking, almost black hair-covering—features which drew the eye of the other males—accentuated in the relief of light and darkness. He moved very slowly, making sure Kyana realized that he was coming to sit next to her. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Wosot watching his every move.
Nox’Tor eased himself into position. He waited until she tentatively glanced at him and then held something out to her. She looked down, and he unfurled his fingers, revealing a beautiful red jasper stone. He took her hand with his other and placed the red gem in her open palm before curling her fingers around it.
Not wishing to break the sacred silence of the moment, he signed to her in Handspeak. “Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Maybe not even this season. Or the next. But I pray that one day before I die, you find it in your heart to forgive me. I will do whatever it takes to win you back.”
Nox’Tor rose as slowly as he had come and left the circle. The others stayed respectfully silent, having witnessed what they all coll
ectively hoped was a step out of the turmoil and madness that seemed to have seized control of their community since Straf’Tor had left.
Lorgil entwined her arm with Kyana’s. After everyone else had turned in, the two females sat together for some time, Kyana still clutching the red jasper in her hand. Tears stung her eyes. It was her favorite stone, signifying the love of the Great Spirit for everyone, as well as the individual love of one for another.
Finally, with the embers wicking out and the full moon high overhead, Kyana asked, “Will you stay with me again tonight?”
“Yes. As long as you wish. There is no happiness in the quarters I share with Nox’Tor.”
Kyana nodded.
“Do you think he is sincere?” asked Lorgil.
“Time will tell.”
“If he is, will you take him back?”
“I do not know. And if I do, what of you? It is far less complicated with me out of the way. You can raise your offling together, and my life will go on as it has been these past months. I have become accustomed to answering to no one,” said Kyana, a small smile coming to her lips.
“As he has been, he is no partner to me. I did not choose him, and there are no feelings between us; I am just a means to an end for him. It is different for you; your pairing was a result of the love that grew between you.
“Even if I could have prevented his seeding me, to escape being tied even more closely to him in life, I would not have. I understand you had to choose someone to be Second Choice. I do not resent your choosing me, for had you not, I would most likely not be bearing an offling now. In some ways, I think that is all I ever wanted, though it is harder to live without the help and protection of a male.”
“I suppose,” said Kyana quietly, “that until we both know if this reversal is genuine, we cannot see the next steps on the path. As for Norland, perhaps it is not yet time for him to lead Kthama. But he would make a great Adik’Tar, and though I wish Nox’Tor no ill will, I hope that one day the opportunity opens for Norland peacefully to take his father’s place.”
The Chamber of the Ancients: Wrak-Wavara: The Age of Darkness Book Two Page 8