Ellis smiled. “You look nice. That’s a stunning color on you.”
Carolyn tried not to laugh at his word choice of “stunning.” It was quite an improvement over Aunt Frieda’s earlier comments on the dress. “Thank you.”
“I should clarify that I’m actually Larry’s former neighbor. I moved out this week.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.” She didn’t know why she said that.
“Actually, a place opened up closer to work, and it seemed like the right time to make the move.”
“I see. Well, that’s good then.”
“Yes.”
The awkwardness was growing worse. She was never good at small talk. Carolyn knew she could walk away. She could excuse herself and return to the comfort of the family table. But something in her told her to stay and prove to her aunt as well as to her daughter that she wasn’t as socially pathetic as they seemed to think.
Ignoring her screaming toe, Carolyn adjusted her position and quietly hoped that Tikki and Frieda would notice that she was chatting with a nice-looking man. She attempted to restart their conversation by commenting on the wedding ceremony. Ellis replied that the music was nice, and they went on to discuss the weather, that Marilyn had recently become a blonde at Larry’s request, and the insufficient parking places at most restaurants, but not this one. When her pita bread was gone, Carolyn made another comment on how delicious the stuffed mushroom caps were.
There, now, when I go back to the table, Aunt Frieda won’t be able to say that I’m the dog that doesn’t get out much or whatever her pithy saying was.
Ellis cleared his throat. “I was wondering if you, if you … might be available.”
“Available?”
“For coffee sometime. Or tea, if you don’t drink coffee.”
He’s asking me out! Carolyn never expected this. She had no idea how to reply. “I … uh …”
“Or maybe you prefer mushroom caps instead of coffee. Or asparagus. You said you liked the asparagus, right?”
It somehow helped that he appeared just as nervous and out of his element as she felt.
“Yes, the asparagus was very good.”
“It was. I doubt there’s any place in the Bay Area that serves better appetizers than this restaurant.”
“I would definitely agree with you there.”
Another awkward pause broke the flow of conversation but not their eye contact.
“If you would like,” Ellis said cautiously, “we could come here sometime. For appetizers.”
Carolyn felt her head nod agreeably even though she hadn’t anticipated saying yes.
“How about two weeks from today? We could meet here at, say, four o’clock?”
Carolyn hesitated.
“Would another day be better, or … ?”
“No.”
“So two weeks from today works for you?”
Her thoughts swirled with bits of all the advice that had been delivered to her that day. Get a life. Get out there and start looking. Let down your guard. Take a few risks. Once again, Carolyn felt herself nod in agreement in spite of the way her heart pounded nervously.
Ellis smiled back. “Good. I’ll see you here two weeks from today—four o’clock.” He turned and left Carolyn alone at the sparse buffet table.
What did I just do?
Her feet seemed to suddenly reattach themselves to the rest of her body and piped up with the blaring distress signals they had been trying to send her for the past fifteen minutes.
I have a date. Why did I say yes? I meant to say no. This is crazy.
Then she realized she didn’t even know Ellis’s last name.
No, this isn’t going to work. It doesn’t matter what his last name is. I’m not going to meet him for appetizers or anything else.
Slipping out of her annoying shoes, Carolyn toddled around the reception area barefooted in search of Ellis so she could tell him she was sorry, but she had changed her mind and wasn’t able to go out with him. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find him.
Ellis had left the building.
“A río revuelto, ganancia de pescadores.”
“There’s good fishing in troubled waters.”
THE WEEK THAT followed Marilyn and Larry’s wedding was one of the worst Carolyn had experienced in many years. As soon as the newlyweds were on their way to Mexico for their honeymoon, Marilyn’s daughters made it clear that during their final week under Carolyn’s roof they were going to behave any way they wanted. She carried out the duties of a warden, a bouncer, and an extremely patient and concerned aunt.
When she delivered the two teens along with a full report to Marilyn and Larry, her twin said, “I’m sure you and I were just as much of a handful when we were their age.”
Carolyn disagreed, but Marilyn was unfazed.
By the time Carolyn had helped to carry the last box out of her house, placed it in the rental truck, and waved good-bye, she was exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Then she remembered that she was blissfully alone at last.
For a moment it didn’t matter that her house was a mess. A complete disaster zone. The girls had carved a huge dent in the wall that led to the kitchen when they were arguing while moving their dresser. The wood floor was pitted with dents and scrapes. But she had her house back, and as soon as she got some good sleep, she would be ready to start the needed repairs and renovations.
Carolyn retrieved a pad of paper from the small antique desk that had belonged to Jeff’s grandmother. With pen in hand, she assessed the damage, noting the marks on the six carpeted steps that led to the upper level of her fifty-year-old home. Of the three bedrooms on that upper level, two were now empty. And filthy. She already had scheduled the carpet cleaner to come on Tuesday. If she had the energy later in the week, she decided she would wash the walls and start to paint on Saturday.
Saturday. That’s when I’m supposed to meet Ellis. How am I going to contact him to tell him I’m not going to meet up with him?
Carolyn had asked herself that question at least twenty times over the past week. The logical answer was to obtain Ellis’s phone number from Larry, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that.
What is my problem? Do I want to open myself up to a new relationship or not? I’m attracted to Ellis. I think. I don’t know. Why am I so skittish about taking this small risk? He seems like a nice person.
She didn’t want to evaluate herself anymore. All she wanted was to close out this Sunday evening with a long bath and a good night’s sleep. With that objective in mind, Carolyn opened a can of minestrone soup, heated it up, and carried the steaming bowl up to the bathroom, where she ran the bathwater.
The phone rang just as she was kicking off her shoes. Her first thought was to let it ring, but then she recognized the customized ring as the one she had programmed as Tikki’s. She couldn’t turn down a chance to talk to Tikki.
“I’m going to scream,” Tikki announced as soon as Carolyn said hello.
“Why?” Carolyn turned off the bathwater and sat on the tub’s edge. “What happened?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem. Nothing is happening with Matt. He seems content for everything to keep going the way it has been, but I think we should be moving along a little faster, you know? I’m not saying to rush things but at least to talk about our future. He’s taking his sweet time about everything, and I’m ready to look to the future and start a little dream together. What’s with him? Are all men this s-l-o-w?”
Carolyn knew that her go-getter girl wasn’t given to fits of drama, which made Carolyn take this meltdown seriously. “I take it you two had another DTR recently.”
“You know what DTRs are?”
“Of course. Define The Relationship talks. You told me what they were after the first one you had with Matt.”
“Well, not much has changed since that first one.”
“Did you express to him everything you were thinking and feeling?”
“Oh, yes. Definitely. That’s never been
a problem. I process aloud. You know that. Matt knows it too. But he’s a slow, internal processor. Typical for a guy, right? We’re such close friends, but that’s part of the problem because I think he’s comfortable staying where we are for another ten years. I want to get on with our lives. I want to have children when I’m young. Careerwise and financially, we could get married in a year or even in six months. But you know, it’s not exactly up to me to put all the wheels in motion. I don’t see him making any effort to even move forward.”
“All you can do is give yourselves more time.”
“I know. I just hate that that’s the best solution.” Tikki sighed. “I want to come home and just be with you for the rest of the weekend. I don’t want to be here and wait around for him to decide if we should go do something or rent a movie or whatever. I just want to be gone.”
“Are you saying you want to stay here this weekend? This Saturday?”
“Yes. Is that okay? Or do you have a big hot date or something?” Tikki teased.
When Carolyn didn’t protest immediately, Tikki said, “Mom, seriously? Do you have a date for Saturday night?”
“Not exactly. Well, sort of. Appetizers at four o’clock. It’s not dinner.” Carolyn carried her cooled bowl of soup into her bedroom and settled onto her bed as she confided in Tikki about meeting Ellis at the wedding and the invitation to meet him at Sadie’s Garden.
“So what do you know about this guy, Mom? Aside from his passion for mushrooms.”
“Not much. But I told you, I’m going to cancel. I don’t feel right about meeting with him.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be so hasty. I mean, you do know there are wedding trawlers out there who prey on single women at receptions. But nice, respectable men also go to weddings hoping to meet someone equally respectable. It’s convenient when they are already friends with your friends and relatives. Did you ask Larry about him?”
“No. And I don’t want to. So please don’t say anything either.”
“Okay. But, you know, you could always turn it into a double date with Larry and Marilyn. That would be nice and safe.”
“I don’t think so.” Carolyn was pretty sure Tikki was teasing, but talking about dating was new conversational territory for them so she wondered just what Tikki meant.
“If you don’t want Marilyn and Larry to go, then I’ll go with you. I’ll be your chaperone the way you had to have one when you were in the Canary Islands.”
“Thanks for the offer, Tikki, but no. Definitely not.” Carolyn could tell her daughter was enjoying that Carolyn was far out of her comfort zone.
“To be completely serious, though, Mom, I think you should go on Saturday and meet this guy. If he turns out to be a jerk, you can just get back in your own car and drive home. No harm done. And since I’ll be here when you return, you can tell me all about it, and I’ll laugh with you over the funny parts. It’ll be fun.”
In spite of all her gut-level hesitancies, Carolyn promised Tikki that she would keep the date.
“I’ll pray for you on Saturday, Mom, and you can pray for me. I really want to follow God’s leading with Matt. In my heart I know he’s the one for me. But he has to come to that same confident conclusion about me before we can get this party started. You know what I’m saying?”
“I do. And, Tikki, you know that lasting relationships take time.”
“I know. But seriously, Mom, don’t you think that a year and a half would be enough time for us to know if we want to spend the rest of our lives together? We’ve become more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. I said that to Matthew last week, and he said the friendship has taken over because we’re not sleeping together.”
Carolyn was caught off guard by Tikki’s comment. She knew that Tikki and Matthew had started out their relationship with a strong commitment to purity. Both of them had come from families as well as church youth groups that provided them with a foundation for making decisions for abstinence. However, Tikki hadn’t talked about it much over the past year or so, and Carolyn had assumed that due to the longevity of their relationship, they had made adjustments along the way to their idealistic commitment. Apparently they were still on track.
Now I know for sure that I will never tell Tikki about Bryan and that summer in the Canary Islands.
Tikki confided in her mom about how limiting it had been in her relationship with Matthew for the two of them to be together all this time and still draw the line at kissing. Carolyn pulled the comforter at the end of her bed up over her bare feet while Tikki candidly described how the absence of full expression of their affection had prompted their relationship to fall into a lull. She said the lull was a bigger frustration to her than the sexual tension they had struggled with earlier in the relationship.
For the next twenty minutes, Carolyn listened, adding only a few comments. She let Tikki know how much she admired her strength and sense of discernment. All those character traits that Carolyn and Jeff had labeled as stubbornness when Tikki was a child were now paying off. Tikki had grown into a young woman who knew who she was and wasn’t willing to compromise for anything or anyone. She definitely had her father’s no-nonsense gene.
“I need to get going. Thanks for letting me moan and groan about this with you, Mom.”
“Anytime, honey. I love you. I’ll see you Saturday.”
When Carolyn finally climbed into bed that night, she fell asleep remembering what her life was like when she was Tikki’s age. As she slept, she dreamed of Jeff. They were sailing. He loved to sail in the brisk San Francisco Bay with the wind in his face and the burn in his muscles as he pulled the ropes and hoisted the anchor. Jeff had a joy-infused sort of laugh that he employed only when he was skimming across the water. Carolyn had heard that distinctive laughter from him a handful of times in all their years together.
In her dream that night, she heard it.
They were in the East Bay, in sight of Angel Island, on a cloudy autumn afternoon, bundled up and sitting close on the top deck. The north wind caught itself in a freshly raised sail and made a blustery attempt to escape. But it couldn’t let go; it belonged to them. With gusto the captured wind propelled the ready craft forward. Suddenly Carolyn was clinging to Jeff, and they were flying across the feisty whitecaps, kicking spray in every direction.
That’s when she heard it. The euphoric laughter of heaven, tumbling from his chest and covering her with the sweetness of their best memories.
The comfort born of that dream clung to Carolyn’s spirit for the rest of the day. Small, pleasant echoes of the wind-whipped laughter trailed in and out of her thoughts all week long. It was the best memory and image of Jeff that had come to her since his death, and the freshness of it filled her heart with new breath.
As the week went on, Carolyn spent a lot of time thinking about Jeff and about her future. Seven years was a long time to go without having someone in her life that fulfilled the role of husband, lover, confidant, spiritual adviser, and closest friend. She knew it wasn’t possible for anyone to replace Jeff. But she also knew she needed to let herself at least be open to the possibility of a new relationship. Not only for what that person would bring to her life, but also for what she had to offer that other person.
Carolyn kept her thoughts and feelings about her date concealed from friends at work as Saturday drew closer. When the morning dawned, she chose a pair of jeans with a favorite ivory sweater and set them out for later. She thought her wardrobe selection would make it clear that she viewed this as a casual date.
Then she went to work, washing the walls in the two vacant bedrooms, spackling the many holes in the walls, and taping around the floorboards and windows so she would be ready to paint. The physical work invigorated her and burned off any nervous energy she had been storing up. Memories of when she and Jeff last painted these rooms kept her company. She had done most of the work, which was typical and the basis for many of their arguments, including the last argument they had had.
/> But she didn’t want to open her thoughts to that memory. She wanted the sweet memories to stay with her. Carolyn reminded herself that Jeff always was more interested in people than in projects while she preferred the opposite. Tasks energized her, and today was no exception, as she swiftly went at the taping around the doors. She wanted to be done by the time Tikki arrived just in case her daughter entered in a puddle of woe and needed Carolyn’s full attention. It surprised her when the door opened at a little past one o’clock, and Tikki’s voice called out cheerfully, “Anybody home?”
Carolyn trotted down the stairs and met Tikki with what could barely be called a hug. “I’m really dirty and sweaty.”
“What are you doing?”
“You’ll have to come upstairs to see.”
“First let me get something cold to drink. Do you have anything good in here?” Tikki shuffled the refrigerator’s contents around on the nearly vacant shelves and settled for a can of Italian lemonade tucked in the door behind the ketchup. “Looks like you might be running a bit low on a few things.” The sarcasm in her voice was evident.
“It’s a big change stocking food for only one person. My grocery bill definitely is dropping.”
“How about if I go to the store to buy us some snacks while you finish up whatever it is you’re doing? Then I’ll come ooh and ahh over your masterpiece.”
“I would love it. Could you be sure to buy some eggs and milk? There’s money in my purse.”
“I can cover it, Mom. I’m hoping for a significant raise within the next month. Did I tell you? I applied for the loan officer position and made it past the first interview. The manager in that department told me I pretty much have the position, if I want to take it.”
Tikki had worked at the same credit union for the past three years. In that time she had risen from teller to assistant loan processor, and now she was being considered as an assistant officer in the loan department.
Canary Island Song Page 3