In a quick effort to convince Marilyn of his attributes, Carolyn confidently started in on a list of his credits. “He’s a fascinating man. He’s brilliant and considerate, and he’s traveled all over the world.”
“Carolyn, he obviously left out one extremely important detail.”
“What’s that?”
“He’s married.”
“Al desdichado hace consuelo tener compañía
en su suerte y duelo.”
“Two in distress makes sorrow less.”
CAROLYN REFUSED TO believe her sister’s shocking statement. “No, he isn’t married. He’s a widower. Like me.”
“Is that what he told you?”
Carolyn tried to remember exactly what he had said. When she pieced together the wording he had used, she realized all he really had asked was if she was divorced. When she said no, he said he was in the same situation. When she said she wasn’t ready yet, he said he wasn’t exactly “available” yet either.
“Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.” Carolyn stumbled over to the nearest counter stool and sat down.
Marilyn came to her side and wrapped her arms around her. “He lied to you, Carolyn. He definitely is married. Trust me.”
Carolyn pulled back. “But he said he moved out a few weeks ago.”
“That’s true. He did because their new place was available early. I just talked to his wife two days ago. She said that since the new owner of their town house isn’t moving in until the middle of April, she and their son are staying and taking their time to move.”
“Their son?”
Marilyn raised her eyebrows. “Ellis didn’t tell you about him either, did he? They have a teenage son. He’s handicapped. Ellis’s sweet wife cares for him at home.”
Now Carolyn had both hands over her face. She couldn’t speak.
“It’s not your fault, Carolyn. He lied to you. My guess is that he’s had affairs before, but his wife puts up with it because of their son.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
Marilyn went to the refrigerator and pulled out another can of soda and popped the top. “Here, drink this. The carbonation will help.”
“No it won’t.”
“Yes it will.”
“I don’t want anything, Marilyn. I just want to be alone.”
“Being alone would be the worst thing in the world for you right now. You need to talk about this and get your feelings out.”
Carolyn didn’t respond. She didn’t speak or move. Her thoughts flooded with all the slight innuendos she had brushed off at dinner: his questions about her “being ready for more” and looking forward to them “getting together.” A small alarm inside her had asked if she should be reading something into his expressions and words at the time, but she hadn’t allowed herself to think that he had anything but the most noble intentions in mind. Was he actually checking to see if I was interested in an affair with him?
Marilyn put her arm around Carolyn. “Listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong. You trusted the wrong man, that’s all. A lot of weasels are out there. This one took advantage of your vulnerability and tried to get you to fall for him even though he’s married. I think you should call him right now and let him have it.”
Carolyn moved to the couch in the living room. She wanted to think. It didn’t make sense to her that Ellis would be so open about pursuing her when he knew Carolyn was likely to find out about his wife and son.
Did he honestly think that wouldn’t matter to me?
Marilyn followed Carolyn into the living room. “You know, I really wish you would have told me right away when he asked you out because I could have saved you all this pain. Now, where’s your phone? You need to call him like I said. Right now.”
As sick to her stomach as Carolyn was over the situation, she was even sicker of the way Marilyn delighted in telling her what to do. For the past few weeks in the blissful silence and sanity under her roof, Carolyn had seen clearly all the ways her sister had taken the upper hand for far too long.
“Marilyn, this isn’t your problem. It’s mine. I can take care of it.”
“I know you can take care of it. But the fact is, Larry was the one who invited him to the wedding. If Larry hadn’t invited him, none of this would have happened. I’m sure Larry would agree that we’re at least partially responsible, just like we were for the hole in your wall.”
“This isn’t at all like the hole in my wall. It’s not your problem, Marilyn.” Carolyn’s voice rose. “Stop trying to make it your problem. I can take care of this myself. Now, just leave me alone. Please go!”
“Fine.”
Marilyn stood up, reached for her purse, and strode to the front door. She jerked it open and paused before exiting, letting the night chill race into the house and cause the heater to kick on. Marilyn seemed to be waiting for Carolyn to apologize and ask her to come back and sit down. That’s exactly what Carolyn would have done in the past to keep the fragile peace in her home. But Marilyn didn’t live here anymore, and Carolyn didn’t have to pacify her sister any longer.
“Are you thinking of continuing the relationship? Is that it? Because if you are, that would be the biggest mistake of your life, you know.”
“I’m not thinking of doing that, and you know it.” Carolyn tried to soften her voice. She wasn’t used to being the one who brought the drama into this house. But she did want the serenity of the past few weeks to return. “All I’m saying is that I can handle this myself.”
“Fine. Have it your way. I just want to remind you that, if you had told me what was going on right away, this whole mess could have been avoided.” Marilyn slammed the door on her way out, causing the small framed photo by the front door to rattle and fall in her wake. The glass in the frame broke when it hit the floor.
Carolyn reached for one of the new pillows on the sofa and threw it at the closed door. She grabbed another pillow and clutched it to her churning stomach. She left the broken glass and the picture frame where they were. They remained on the floor in shatters while she sat on the couch in equally fragmented pieces.
Her cell phone buzzed from its muted mode in her purse, but she ignored it. A minute later her home phone rang. She let it ring. Her cell buzzed again. Realizing it could be Tikki trying to reach her, Carolyn checked her cell. She saw a text from Marilyn.
SORRY I SLAMMED THE DOOR. CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE READY.
Carolyn hated when her sister sent messages in all caps. It was like she was yelling at her. It made it even easier to ignore Marilyn’s text. Then, since the phone was still in her hand, Carolyn drew up her courage and placed a call to Ellis. She hadn’t planned what she was going to say, but she knew she wanted to confront him before her hurt and anger had a chance to dissipate.
Ellis answered on the second ring. His greeting came across sounding familiar and affectionate. “I just called the hotel and found out we can check in at eleven thirty tomorrow instead of noon.”
Hotel? Check in … he is assuming I was agreeing to a whole lot more than pasta for lunch. How did I miss that?
“Does eleven thirty work for you?”
“No, it doesn’t work for me. None of this works for me, Ellis. Why didn’t you tell me you were married?”
“I did. I said I wasn’t divorced, and you said you weren’t divorced either.”
Carolyn clenched her teeth before forcing out the words, “That’s because my husband died seven years ago.”
Ellis paused. She could hear him letting out a slow breath. “I’m very sorry to hear that, Carolyn.”
Silence lingered between them as Carolyn tried to think of what to say.
“Let me explain my situation, will you?”
Carolyn listened as Ellis did a lot of circular talking about being ready to make changes in his life and how beautiful she was and how she had fascinated him from the moment they talked at the wedding. “I’m ready to make a fresh start, and I want you to be part of that new beginning. You make
me feel alive again.”
Instead of being flattered, all Carolyn could think about was his wife and son. She felt sorry for them. She also felt sorry for Ellis. His life was in a tangle. Becoming involved with her or any other woman wasn’t going to release the knots she guessed he must have inside. Continuing this conversation wasn’t doing her any good.
“Carolyn, listen, I know this isn’t making a lot of sense the way it’s coming out. Would you just meet with me one more time? To talk. That’s all. I want to explain all this more clearly. You deserve that.”
“No, I can’t meet with you again.”
“But I don’t think you understand. I—”
“I’m sure you’re right; I’m sure I don’t understand. But I can’t meet with you. I won’t. Please don’t call me or contact me again.”
Carolyn’s heart pounded fiercely. She hung up without allowing him an opportunity to say anything else. Striding from one end of the kitchen to the other and then in circles around the living room, Carolyn felt cold tears stinging her warm cheeks. She picked up one of her new pillows and threw it at the door.
Her cell buzzed. She stomped back to the kitchen counter and read Ellis’s text:
Please let me explain. Give me a chance to show you how I feel about you.
Carolyn deleted his message and turned off her phone. She felt like throwing up. Retreating to the bathroom, she washed her face and stared at her reflection in the mirror. Too stunned and upset to cry anymore, all she could do was stare.
Outside the wind was blowing up a storm. She could hear the rain pelting against the windows. Putting on her most comforting pajamas, she slipped into bed, curled up in a tightly tucked position, and waited for emotional exhaustion to overtake her.
Carolyn stayed inside all day Sunday and didn’t answer her phone. She didn’t place her usual call to her mother. This was a personal sick day, the first one she had allowed herself to take in many years.
On Monday, Carolyn went to work as if nothing had happened. Being back in her familiar routine always had been the best way to camouflage her deepest aches. It was like hiding in plain sight. No one would ask how she was doing; they could see she was fine—great even. She was performing at her usual level, paying close attention to other people and their needs and concerns.
By Tuesday, Carolyn still hadn’t responded to her sister’s many voice messages, e-mails, and texts. Ellis had left a phone message that she deleted without listening. When she arrived home from work at her usual time that afternoon, she saw Marilyn’s car parked in the driveway. Her perturbed-looking twin stood leaning against the car’s trunk with her arms folded.
“Did you forget your key?” Carolyn asked without making eye contact.
“No, I still have a key. I didn’t want to go inside until I knew I was welcome.”
Carolyn unlocked the front door and made an exaggerated sweeping gesture for Marilyn to come on in. Taking off her sweater, Carolyn picked up the mail that had been delivered through the slot in the front door. Then, turning her back on Marilyn, she went to the sofa, where she sifted through the bills just as she would have done when Marilyn lived with her.
Much to Carolyn’s exasperation, Marilyn seemed to fall into the same old routine as well. She went into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. Carolyn could hear her rattling the dishes in the cupboard. When Marilyn came and sat in the chair across from Carolyn a few minutes later, she brought two mugs of tea. On a plate she had placed a rather soft apple cut into uneven slices alongside a handful of broken Wheat Thins. Carolyn kept her focus on the mail and resisted giving her sister any acknowledgment for her efforts. She hadn’t asked her sister to come over, nor had she asked for anything to eat or drink.
“You need groceries.” Marilyn delivered her statement with the preciseness of a straight pin into a balloon.
Carolyn popped. “Yes, I do. Is that what you came here to tell me? You drove across town to tell me I need groceries?”
“Well, that’s better. At least you’re looking at me now. Why have you ignored my calls? I’m not the one who lied to you. You’re taking out your anger at Ellis on me. That’s not fair, Carolyn. I’m your only sister. I’m here for you. I’ve always been here for you.”
“I told you Saturday night: I want to be alone.”
Marilyn dismissed Carolyn’s comment. “You’re a twin. You’re never going to be alone unless I die first.”
Carolyn wasn’t sure she wanted to believe that. It was probably true, but she didn’t want it to be. She reluctantly reached for a cup of tea and noticed that Marilyn had made her favorite afternoon blend of jasmine loose tea. Marilyn had also added just the right amount of honey. It was becoming difficult to remain irritated at Marilyn, since she was trying in her own way to be there for Carolyn and to offer support.
“Thanks for making the tea.” She felt herself softening.
“Sure.” Marilyn leaned back. “So, I take it you called him.”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And that’s it. I won’t be seeing him again.” Carolyn relaxed her tightened shoulders and sipped her tea. If she would be honest with her sister, she would come right out and say that at this point she was more embarrassed than angry. It was over. Past. She was ready to move on.
Marilyn put down her cup of tea. “So you’re over the whole Ellis affair then?”
Carolyn winced. “Don’t call it an affair. Please.”
“Okay. But the point is, you’re not going to see him, and he’s not going to pursue you, and it’s over.”
“Yes.”
“So you don’t need me to help you to process the whole mess anymore.”
“No, I don’t need you to help me process it anymore.” Carolyn wanted to shake her head at her sister’s assumption that that was what had been going on.
“Is it okay if we talk about something else?” Marilyn asked.
“I wish we would.”
“Well, then, I have some news. We’re going to move.”
“You are? Where are you going?”
“Santa Cruz.” Marilyn rustled in her place like a pleased hen. “Larry got a new position there with his same tax preparation firm. It’s a big step up. Remember my telling you about this opening? This is the job I urged him to apply for before we married. He was too reluctant. When we came back from our honeymoon, I urged him, and when he finally applied, he got the job, as I knew he would.”
“That’s great.”
“The girls aren’t too excited yet, but this is as much for them as it is for Larry. They need to make a fresh start and find new friends. It’s only an hour and a half from here, and I told them they’ll like living near the beach. I’m going house hunting tomorrow. I’ll let you know what I find. I’m hoping you’ll be willing to help me decorate.”
“Sure.”
They talked comfortably and casually for another twenty minutes about the sort of house Marilyn was hoping to find, the job she planned to look for in Santa Cruz, and how Larry had gained eight pounds since the wedding, which was fine with her because he could stand to gain another ten.
Marilyn checked the clock on top of the television. She put down her mug and stood up. “I have to leave before the traffic gets too heavy. We’re planning to go to the movies tonight. Larry is such a sweetheart. All I have to do is hint just once that I’d like to see something, and he goes online, buys the tickets, and tries to surprise me. But I always find out. I check the history on his computer so I know every website he goes to.”
Marilyn paused by the open front door the same way she had a few days ago, letting the cold air in. “You know, I didn’t say this earlier, but I should be angry with you for not answering any of my calls for a week.”
“It wasn’t a week, Marilyn. I turned off my phone for only a few days. I needed space.”
“I know. And I gave you your space. That’s because I know you, and I know what you need. I always have, and I always will.” Marilyn gave Car
olyn a lopsided smile and let herself out, closing the door with exaggerated softness.
Carolyn stayed on the sofa nibbling the last broken cracker and pondering all that it meant to be a twin. As similar as they were and as different as they were, they were intertwined. Marilyn was right. The two of them would be involved in each other’s lives for as long as they lived.
For some reason, now that Marilyn had declared the “affair” over and Carolyn’s pent-up anger at Ellis had disseminated, she felt sadness returning. All the small dreams she had entertained about possibly being loved again were gone. She was alone.
Carolyn heard footsteps at her door and guessed Marilyn was returning for something she had forgotten.
The door opened. It wasn’t Marilyn. It was Tikki. She stepped inside and gave her mother a crooked grin.
“Me again. Do you mind?”
“Of course not. Is everything okay?”
“Sort of. I guess. Pretty much.” Tikki came over and cuddled up to Carolyn on the sofa, resting her head on her mother’s shoulder. “I needed to come home again. I wanted to be with you. Sometimes, when life isn’t making a lot of sense, you just need to be near your mama.”
Carolyn felt a lump rising in her throat. She stroked Tikki’s silky hair. “You’re right. Sometimes you just need to be near your mama.”
In that moment Carolyn crossed an invisible line in her heart. She knew the time had come; she was going to find a way to return to the Canary Islands. Yes, she was a single woman, a twin sister, and a mother. But she was also a daughter. And now she was the one who needed to be near her mama.
“A donde el corazón se inclina, el pie camina.”
“To where the heart is inclined, the feet will follow.”
CAROLYN TUGGED HER wheeled suitcase behind her through the modern, bustling Madrid airport. She had two hours before her connecting flight left for Las Palmas on the island of Gran Canaria.
The combination of spending the past fourteen hours on planes, dashing through O’Hare from Terminal 1 to Terminal 3, and the whirlwind events of the past three weeks left her head feeling like a sieve. Every thought seemed to slide out. She would catch it and put it back in her mind only to feel it slide out again.
Canary Island Song Page 6