“That’s wonderful. It really is. It must have been nice growing up, knowing that you’d always get to do what you love.”
“I’m a lucky man,” was his answer, then he tipped his hat and said, “I’ll see you at supper.”
I watched him for a few moments, then decided it was time for me to get to work. But as I made my way into the big old house, I wondered again how Patricia could walk away from all of this.
Chapter 25
The next couple of weeks I got the routine down. Breakfast with Matty, keeping the house clean and the pantry stocked, and my favorite part of the day: supper. We always ate supper together and enjoyed a walk before Matty went to bed. After Matty was tucked in, Luke and I would often retreat to our own personal space, but sometimes, we watched TV together, or talked.
He favored shows about cops, firefighters, or boxers, whereas I liked the comedies, romances, and fantasies. I usually conceded to Luke’s choice, but sometimes he suffered through one of my shows.
I really enjoyed my talks with Luke, and the time I spent with Matty. I was impressed by how dedicated Matty was to working the ranch after school, and by how hard Luke worked. Sometimes he worked all seven days in the week, but he never complained, or seemed angry or frustrated about his job. It was obvious he loved what he did, and loved his son even more.
My days were busy, but because I had blocks of time where I could take a break, I’d been enjoying learning how to do things for myself.
Sometimes I would read a book, or write in my journal. Others I would do yoga, or Pilates. And, if it was an exceptionally beautiful day, I’d roam the land.
That was my favorite thing to do. There was so much acreage to explore, and it seemed like each time I went off on my own, I found a new little piece of heaven. I’d always been a city girl, born and raised, and that had stayed with me during my marriage to Ricky. We loved the convenience of having everything within a few miles of where we lived, and I thought I’d always want to live in a city, but Hope Heals Ranch was causing a change in me.
I loved the peace. The simplicity. The lack of pressure, stress, or feeling the need to always have something planned.
Watching Matty play with the dog, ride his horse, or help his dad fix the fence may seem like a boring way to spend a Sunday, but I found it to be incredibly fulfilling. And other than a few moments here and there, the need to drink wasn’t overcoming me the way it used to.
I was happy here.
I was whistling a tune while I breaded chicken to fry, when the phone rang in the kitchen.
It had taken me some time to get used to having a house phone again, and usually when it rang, it was Luke calling to say he was going to be late, or Hank asking me to set a place for him for supper.
“Hello,” I said, tucking the phone between my ear and my shoulder so I could remain on task.
“Hey, Belle,” Luke responded. He never said who was calling; he didn’t need to. The chills that covered my body the second I heard his voice were telling enough. “The Super Bowl is on Sunday, and I wanted to see if you could put together a spread for my Pa and some of the guys.”
“Yeah, that would be fine, I can run to the General Store and get what I need, if we don’t have it.”
“Well, I’m taking Matty to his mom’s tomorrow, for the weekend, so if there’s something you need, you just make me a list and I’ll pick it up.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“See you in a bit,” he replied, then hung up.
I put the chicken in the hot oil to fry, then put the potatoes in the oven to bake. I was making twice-baked potatoes, and corn to go along with the fried chicken. Neither Luke nor Matty were great vegetable eaters, so the salad I always made to accompany dinner often went untouched.
As I worked I thought about what I could serve a bunch of guys for a Super Bowl party.
I picked up my cell phone and called Ginger.
“Hey, sug,” she said after the second ring.
“Hi, Ginger, how are you?”
We’d been able to chat a couple times since my arrival at Luke’s, and texted just about every day.
“I’m good. Just showered and had my coffee. I’ve gotta couple new girls to train tonight,” she replied.
“Okay, well, I won’t keep you, but I was wondering if you had any suggestions for Super Bowl food. There will be a bunch of guys here, so nothing fancy. Ricky wasn’t a big football fan, so it wasn’t something we ever celebrated, and I’m kind of at a loss.”
“Guys are easy. Just throw out some chips and dips, summer sausage and cheese, and maybe some Buffalo wings, and they’ll be good to go.”
“Yeah?”
“Totally. I have a recipe for this seven-layer dip that my Aunt Beth always used to make. I’ll text it to you once we hang up.”
“Thanks, that’d be great!”
“I miss you, Belle.”
“I miss you too. I wish you could come visit.”
“Hmmmm, maybe, I’ll see what I can do.”
“That would be awesome!”
We chatted for a few minutes, then we both had to hang up and get back to what we were doing.
I was just pulling the twice-baked potatoes out of the oven when Luke and Matty walked in.
“It smells amazing in here,” Luke said, causing me to flush with happiness at his compliment. He always said something nice about my food. “Matty, go get washed up.”
“Kay, dad.”
“Thanks, it’s just about ready,” I said, as I moved to give him access to the sink.
I made the plates and set them at the table, then we all sat down and began to eat.
“I taught Joe to fetch,” Matty said after he took a bite of chicken.
“You did?” I asked, catching Luke’s grin over the top of Matty’s head, and answering it with one of my own.
The connection was familiar, after a few weeks together, it seemed Luke and I were often sharing unspoken moments together. Lately though, whenever he’d catch my eye for one reason or another, I found my body reacting. It was becoming more and more pronounced.
Like now, after sharing eye contact and a smile with Luke, my heart was pounding, palms were damp, and it felt like my stomach was aflutter.
I looked away quickly and focused on Matty, careful to avoid looking at Luke too much during the meal, without it looking like something was wrong. It was exhausting, and by the time I cleaned up, I was ready for some alone time.
“Ready, Belle?” Luke called out.
“Um, I’m going to stay in tonight,” I replied, and I noticed him look at me sharply. This was my first time not joining them on their walk since I arrived. “I have some emails to catch up on,” I added lamely.
Luke’s eyes narrowed, but he simply nodded and turned to go, allowing my excuse to pass. I waited to hear the door shut behind them, they scurried off to my room and closed the door behind me.
I needed to think about what I was doing. What my purpose for being here was. And to remind myself that I was going to be leaving in a few months.
Chapter 26
“Are you avoiding me?” Luke asked from behind me, causing me to jump.
I’d stayed in my room Thursday night and avoided him Friday morning, then he and Matty had gone to town straight after school. It was now Saturday morning, and I had successfully avoided him since dinner on Thursday. I just didn’t expect him to notice.
Thinking he’d already left for work, I’d slipped out of my room still clad in only my pajamas to grab some coffee before starting my day.
“Um, no?” It came out more as a question than an answer.
Luke strode toward me, clad in his usual uniform of jeans, a button-up shirt, and his cowboy boots. His hat was sitting in its place on the table.
How had I not noticed that?”
“You’re not?” he asked again, stopping a foot in front of me, causing me to back up a step and run into the island.
“No,” I said, making my tone a l
ittle more believable. “I’ve, ah, just been busy … And, you were in Charleston.”
Luke didn’t look convinced. He brushed a hand over his face, then sighed audibly before he asked, “You’d tell me if there was something wrong?”
Everything I’d learned in counseling suddenly rushed through my head, and I wondered if I should just tell him that I was nervous about the chemistry between us. Did he feel it too, or would he think I was crazy?
My tongue darted out over my lips nervously as I contemplated what to do. My eyes were down, so I was totally taken by surprise when Luke suddenly muttered, “Fuck it,” and brushed his lips across mine.
Frozen in pure shock, I stood there for a second as my mind slowly registered the warm, soft touch of his mouth. A sizzle shot right down to my toes, waking my body up even if my brain wasn’t there yet, and I brought my arms up around his neck and leaned into the kiss.
Luke groaned at my obvious enthusiasm and brought his free arm around my waist, as the other braced against the countertop, holding us up.
I slanted my head to get closer and opened my lips, moaning in pleasure when his tongue accepted the invitation and swept through my mouth. The kiss was deliciously soft and sweet, and other than his fingers squeezing my hip, he made no move to take our connection further.
He pulled back, resting his forehead against mine as we both gasped for air. There was a sweet hum going through me, and I felt completely swept away by our first kiss.
That’s when it hit me right in the gut, as if I’d been punched. Guilt. Horrible, painful, soul-crushing guilt.
What was I doing? What about Ricky? How could I feel so strongly about Luke after a couple of weeks in his life and one kiss, if I’d loved my husband as much as I’d always thought?
I pulled away abruptly, looked into Luke’s still-dazed eyes and said, “Sorry,” then I ran to my room and shut the door. Locking it behind me, I slid down until my butt hit the floor, and ignored Luke’s pleas for me to open up when he knocked. After a couple of minutes, he went away, but I stayed in that position for over an hour.
Confused and upset, I called Sarah and spoke to her about what I was feeling, and after about twenty minutes on the phone, she urged me to go talk to Luke.
“He’s your boss, your landlord, and your friend. You need to tell him how you’re feeling and explain your reaction to the kiss. Obviously you guys share an attraction, and it will be hard for you to talk about it with the object of your affection, but you don’t have the liberty to hide behind embarrassment. You don’t want this to cause undue stress in your life, that’s the last thing you need right now. Look, Belle, he sounds like a good guy. Just talk to him.”
So that’s why, two hours after he kissed me in his kitchen and I’d run away in shame, I was standing outside his office door in the barn, literally shaking as I raised my hand and knocked.
“It’s open,” Luke called from inside, and a thrill shot through me at the sound of his voice.
That’s not making this any easier, I chastised myself under my breath, before I called every ounce of bravery I had to the surface and walked in.
“Hey,” I said when I stepped around the door and saw him sitting behind his large wooden desk. He looked surprised to see me, which I’m sure he was, since I’d never come down here before. “Do you have a minute?”
“Of course,” he said, standing and indicating that I should sit.
I shut the door behind me, then went and sat on the couch he was moving toward. He sat next to me, leaving space between us so that we could turn toward each other as we spoke.
“I’m sorry,” we both said at the same time.
I laughed nervously and he smiled.
“No, let me, please,” I begged, putting my hand lightly on his knee, then realizing what I’d done and pulling it back.
“I’m sorry I freaked out on you and ran.” I sucked in a deep breath of air and tried to calm myself. “I hope this isn’t sharing too much, but I want to tell you why I reacted the way I did. I learned in counseling that if I bottle stuff in, I get stressed out, and being stressed out will lead to drinking, and I’m working really hard not to let that happen, so please … bear with me.”
At Luke’s nod I continued, “Before Ricky I was only with one other guy, in high school, and, Ricky and I were together for twelve years when he died. I thought we were going to be together forever, but obviously, things happen and I don’t have him in my life anymore. Physically, that is, but he’ll always be in my heart.”
“Of course,” Luke said, bringing his hand to mine and squeezing, then leaving it there in a gesture of comfort.
“I’ve slept with one guy since he died,” I admitted, keeping eye contact with Luke even though I really wanted to look away.
“I don’t need to,” he started, but I stopped him by asking, “Please?”
Luke indicated that I should go on, so I did. “I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t need to hear about my sex life, but it’s relevant … I promise.”
I gathered my courage once more and said, “I was hanging out with Ginger and we were talking about how long it had been since I’d been intimate with someone. I decided to have a one-night stand. I’d never had one before, and I was lonely. I missed having that physical connection with someone. And that’s all it was, a physical connection. And it was fine. One night and nothing more, and I didn’t feel guilty about it initially, because it wasn’t emotional. I knew I’d never see the guy again. I did feel bad about it later, but not to the extent that I felt today.”
I turned my hand under his and held on tightly.
“With you today, I felt immediately guilty. Horribly so … I couldn’t take it, so I ran. I felt a connection with you back in Vegas, and it’s only gotten stronger the more we’ve gotten to know each other. I think I had such a strong reaction to kissing you because, with you, it isn’t just physical. It’s emotional, physical, and chemical. I like you, I like your son, and I like living and working on your ranch. The way I felt when you kissed me scared me, and it felt like the feelings I had were a betrayal to Ricky, and to our marriage.”
I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall and searched his beautiful face, hoping for understanding.
“I know it isn’t rational, and you may be thinking it was just a kiss and I’m totally overreacting, but I need to be open and honest with you.”
Luke cleared his throat, and gave me the understanding that I needed.
“I don’t think you’re overreacting. Although I’ve only been with a handful of women, I’m not a monk, and I don’t fault you for having needs, so please don’t feel like you need to be ashamed about sharing your past with me. Look, Belle, I can’t say I’m sorry that I kissed you, because that would be a lie. I’ve wanted to kiss you since you opened that door at the strip club and came strutting inside. I’m sorry you felt guilty about what we shared, because that wasn’t my intention. I’ve held off kissing you because I know you’re in a fragile state, and I don’t want to take advantage of that, but when we were standing there this morning, and you licked your lips, I just couldn’t control myself. Please know that I’ll never ask you to give me something you aren’t ready for.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and flexed my fingers against his hand.
“Thank you.”
“I don’t know what to tell you about Ricky, or your guilt over your marriage, just know that I understand, and I’ll never try to take his place in your heart.” Luke paused and let go of my hand, and the determination that came over his face made the sweet feelings I’d gotten at his last statement, disintegrate. “I do like you, Belle, but you work and live in my house, with my son, so I think we need to take care with everyone’s feelings here. I’ll keep my lips to myself, unless you tell me otherwise. Okay?”
I said okay and stood, thanking him for taking the time to see me. It felt almost like having an out-of-body experience. I was torn between feeling grateful that he’d been so understandi
ng, and disappointed that he didn’t say to hell with it all and have his way with me on the couch.
Maybe I needed to go have my head examined.
Chapter 27
I had a table set up in the living room, off to the side, and I was in the middle of covering it with food when Luke’s guests began to arrive.
I had Ginger’s seven-layer dip, chips, homemade salsa, ceviche, summer sausage, cheese, crackers, and assorted nuts out so far. I figured that would get them started, and hold them over while I made the hot dishes.
“There’s my girl,” Hank said with a wink as he pulled me in for a hug. Luke’s father was an unabashed flirt, and an all-around great man. Luke and Matty were so lucky to have him in their everyday lives, and I knew he was grateful everyday that his son had chosen the ranch life. “You got some good eats for us today?”
“You know it,” I responded with a smile. “I may even have a special surprise for you later,” I hinted, laughing when he clapped his hands together.
Luke’s father had a major sweet tooth, and I was making lemon bars and dump cake to serve with coffee toward the end of the game.
I went back to the kitchen, hoping to blend into the background so as not to interrupt the men and their bonding ritual.
I was buttering the sourdough bread for the mini grilled cheese with strawberry sandwiches when I heard a long whistle and looked up. Leaning against the wall watching me with a wicked grin on his face was a handsome man with dirty-blonde hair that was a touch too long.
“You must be Belle,” the stranger said as he pushed off and sauntered toward me. “I was beginning to think you were a myth, or some dream that Luke was lucky enough to keep having, but here you are, every bit as gorgeous as he said.”
I felt myself blush at his compliments, and I wondered if Luke had really told this man I was gorgeous, as I wondered who the heck he was.
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