He laughs. “Yes, I did.” He leans forward, placing his lips on mine. “It was my only shot, so I took it.”
So much for me being vulnerable with you again. The first chance you get, you deceive me.
“I thought we agreed to be honest with each other?”
Henrik kisses my nose. “I am honest. I did plan to tell you before we started. But you’ve been so upset at me that I thought I’d give you a specific thing to hate me for to direct your frustration at. It won’t happen again.”
After dinner later that evening, we’re staring into the fire.
Henrik blurts out, “I wouldn’t have children with my ex.” He startles me. The way he says it is as though the thought has pecked at him all day and now cracked out of its shell. “She nagged me about it for three years before I ended it. I could never bring a child into this world with her, knowing where it was leading.”
My mouth drops.
Are you ready to let your guard down and open up? If that’s true, you’re not as cold-hearted as I thought. My vulnerability must have triggered this.
“You couldn’t do it for you, her, or the child?”
“All three, I guess.” He scoffs. “The child would be born into a family that I knew wouldn’t last. She wouldn’t want to be a single mom. I don’t want a broken family.”
“Considerate of you.”
Too many people have children without thinking it through.
“She wouldn’t say that if she knew me, so I guess you’re right. I wouldn’t make a good father.” He smiles as if confirming this knowledge we now share, that we’re connected because of it. “Now, I know what love is and the way…” He stops.
I can’t let this chance slip. “What?”
“I’m tired of lying, and I don’t want to lose you if anything I’ve done were to come up.” He swallows. “I’ve done dreadful things in my life.”
I smile, withholding the grin pecking at my face from within, although inside, I’m dying to cheer.
Come on. Tell me everything. Open up, let me in.
And he tells me. He starts with his first sexual encounter at fifteen, how he has dated five women at a time while having sex with even more. “When I asked you out, I was dating a woman in Bergen. But that’s over now. Everything is.”
I shrug. “We were only dating. No worries.” Smiling at him seems to make him relax a little. “What’s the worst you’ve done?”
“Paying for sex while in a relationship.” His head drops. “It was her idea. Our sex life was stagnant.”
“I don’t care what you did in your past. It only happened once? Paying for sex?”
“No, but…it’s not as bad as it sounds.”
I don’t respond, but I can’t look at him either.
“The girls enjoy it. They told me so themselves. No one forces them. They like it, and who am I to say they shouldn’t do it then?”
I can’t find any words. My mind is going a hundred miles an hour, desperate to find a way to make him realize how stupid he sounds, yet without insulting him and making him retreat into his shell. One thought makes it stop.
He stares, anxious for me to be as understanding over this as I’ve been with everything else up to this point. I recall the image from Katelyn’s surprise party where she’s beaming at the camera and explaining what a great father he’ll be. I swallow, trying my best to sound calm and understanding. “Let me make sure I understand you. Because you think a woman chose this profession and says she likes it, it’s okay?”
He nods, still staring at me for validation.
“You want children, right?”
“I like us talking about our potential child, yes.” He takes a slice of cheese. “I’ll work on not forgetting things. I usually do well at improving myself when I want to. I would love a miniature version of you trotting around.”
I smile at him for a moment, then drop it to emphasize my point. “And when our daughter tells you she wants to work as a prostitute, that will be all right with you?”
“What? No. Of course not.”
“But you said that it’s okay because the hookers you paid for sex liked it?”
“Yes, but I wouldn’t want…I can’t even picture my daughter doing anything like what that woman did to me with strangers.” His face twists in a grimace.
“And you think her father likes that she did it with you? That he wished this for his daughter?”
He freezes. “Her father?”
“Yes, Henrik. She too is someone’s daughter. Do you think her father held her in his arms and wished that career for her?”
He swallows. “I can’t talk about this anymore. I never thought about it like that.”
“Let me advise you to start thinking today. No woman is a toy, and no man has the right to view her like one.” I take his hand. I have to make him secure enough to let his guard down, although what I want to do is spit in his face. But when he reveals the things he’s most shameful for, I have to support him, show him that it’s okay to make mistakes. “You’re better than this,” I say.
“I don’t want to be like…” He leans back in his seat. “I’ve always wanted to be better than other men.”
“What other men?”
“My first sexual partner told me that I was like every man she’d slept with in only caring about myself, not her pleasure. It made me worthless to her.”
That’s why you don’t want to come before I do. Shit, having sex is like work for you, not something to enjoy. That’s why you bought sex books to study.
“Do you remember what you told me you were looking for when you reached out on Tinder?” I ask.
“Love.”
You’ve shared your deepest secrets, but you still can’t lose control of your sex life. I’m sure you don’t think it’s as good as it gets. What did Cecilia say again? Make his life perfect, then snatch it away.
His sex life isn’t perfect, it’s a one-way street. I decide to show him that there’s more to sex than him performing a job. It can work both ways and be enjoyable.
“You can’t love without being vulnerable.” I take his hand, lead him into the bedroom, and push him onto the bed. I strip my clothes off, standing naked at last before him.
He doesn’t want to be on the receiving end. To do so, you have to be vulnerable, but tonight he has no choice.
With one knee on each side, straddling his body, I kiss his neck, his chest, his stomach, unzip his pants and pull them off. He may have studied women, but I’ve studied men too. Tonight it’s my turn to show off my skills.
“Relax,” I tease and slowly lick him from the root to the head.
Henrik jerks up, but I push him down. “Whether you like it or not, you will come before I do. Sex is about connecting on a deeper level, not doing a job.”
He fights it at first, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve, and after a minute or two, he closes his eyes and gives in.
I could really hurt you right now. You’d never enjoy sex again.
I pull my lips back, positioning my teeth underneath the head. If I bite as hard as I can, I could rip it off. A deep primal instinct to growl bubbles deep inside of me.
He would still be stronger than me and capable of driving himself to a hospital, though, leaving me with a new nickname. ‘The biter’ perhaps?
Instead of snapping my teeth together, dividing him in two, I flick my tongue and work my magic.
Seconds later, he stiffens even more, and I mount him as he explodes inside me. I ride him until I orgasm myself.
He shakes his head, laughing. “Holy fuck, that was incredible.”
I bite my lower lip. He strokes my hair and kisses me. His lips are soft, sensual, but not sexual this time. “I love you,” he whispers and shifts position, so his head rests on my stomach. “I don’t want to be that person I was anymore.”
“Then don’t.”
His stubble scratches my skin as his mouth twists up. “I’ll be good for you.”
I rake my
fingers through his ruffled hair. “Be good for yourself. That is more than good enough for me.”
Henrik sighs. “I promise never to cheat on you.”
I stare up at the beams in the ceiling. “If you love me, you won’t cheat. I don’t think it’s possible when you love someone. Love to me is like a magnet to another person. Once that connection is made, every other person is like a magnet that doesn’t fit, that gets repelled.”
“I guess every woman I’ve dated before was a wrong magnet then.”
I take his hand and kiss him. “Don’t worry about it. Once you find yourself in a situation where you would normally cheat, you’ll know. If you do cheat, it means you don’t love me, and you should move on to find it.”
I sound like a cliché therapist here.
The fire has died. I’ve looked forward to this moment, knowing it’ll make it easier for me to break his heart, but I’m actually proud of him.
He’s braver than I am. He’s opened up, shared his secrets, and dared to be vulnerable while I’ve closed myself off from the world. He’s blooming by telling the truth, while the lies rooted in me are strangling me from the inside.
I turn to see him watching me, studying me. “I love you.” I lack any other words.
He swallows. “You’ve changed me, you know that?”
I shake my head slowly from side to side. “You did that on your own, my darling.”
He laughs. “What an adrenaline rush. I’m so scared to lose you right now I’m shaking.” He holds out his hand, showing me his shivering fingers. I take them in mine to reassure him that it’s all right. His shivering stops. “I’ve never felt this connected to anyone in my entire life. I love you. Shit, I really, intensely love you,” he says. I smirk, kissing him, then turning to straddle him again.
He stops me.
“I just want to hold you.” He puts his arms around me.
No sex? You used to want three rounds.
I peek at him, and I can’t help but smile at his satisfied expression. His eyes are closed, and a slight smile creates tiny wrinkles in the corners of his eyes.
30
We spend the rest of the night and the following morning in bed talking about the stories he told me yesterday. I pretend to understand, and when he laughs at his stupid choices, I support him, let him know that we all make mistakes.
He proclaims over and over how freeing it is not to have secrets from me. “I’ve never experienced that before. There’s always been something I’m scared will come up, but now, you know everything.”
We eat our lunch outside in the sun. I’m seated between his legs on the bench along the cabin wall. Besides the chirping of the birds, no other sounds interfere with the soothing silence of the mountains. Being in this role I’m playing forces me to relax and enjoy having Henrik close to me.
I can relate to prisoners who say they miss the closeness of another human. Since Isac died, I’ve locked myself in my own prison. Knowing it’s about to end, it’s comforting having a pair of arms around me.
Once we finish eating, Henrik cleans up and gets his scarf from the car while I prepare cocoa. Leaning our backs against the wall, the sun beams warmth onto our faces while the snow-covered lake glimmers below. White mountains stretch as far as we can see on the horizon.
“It’s funny.” Henrik keeps his eyes on the view.
I pour hot liquid into two wooden cups my brothers and I carved out years ago and hand one to Henrik. “What is?”
“How we drive for hours to escape running water and electricity. Yet in a moment like this, I don’t care about that stuff.” He sips his cocoa. “For years, I traveled the world with different women to the most exotic places and saw breathtaking views. I always felt something was missing. Now I’m only a few hours from my home, and that emptiness that used to follow me is gone.”
A bird chirps from a tree behind us.
Henrik’s face turns serious. “I mean…I get it now, what people write songs and poems about, why they risk everything for that one person. Love does that.”
“I know.” I blow on the hot cocoa, then take a large sip. “Good to see you’re catching up.”
Henrik straightens up as if he’s had a great idea. “Will you marry me?”
I almost spit cocoa in his face but put the cup on the bench next to me instead.
He takes my hand, and I expect him to get down on one knee, but instead, he shifts in his seat to face me. “I don’t have many items I cherish.” From his pocket, he takes out a silver bracelet, holding it tight in his hand. “It belonged to my mother. It’s priceless to me.” Seeing my blank expression, he defends the beautiful silver cuff. “It’s not a ring, but it means more to me than anything else I own. You know my history, all the shitty things I’ve done. I’ve never felt more like myself, freer than when I’m with you. I want my future to be with you. I want to learn, laugh, and cry together through life. I promise I’ll be a good husband. I’ll never cheat, and I’ll be…I can be a good man.”
From the sincerity in his voice, the rawness and honesty in his eyes, he believes what he says to be true. What now? He proposed. I made the asshole fall so much in love with me that he’s offering me his mother’s heirloom. He could have given a bracelet like this to every woman he’s dated for all I know, but I push the thought out. I would have known if he had.
He slips the silver cuff onto my wrist. “Please be mine?”
I grin, but it’s not from me winning him over, it’s from the same warm sensation that bloomed in me when Henrik talked about us having children. I refuse to feel this. He’s a terrible person, and his timing is even worse. He should have waited until we got back.
I can’t tell him everything now and risk upsetting him or have him leave me here with no phone signal. If he takes the car, I’m stuck.
“I don’t think…”
He cuts me off. “Don’t be scared.”
Oh, for the love of…
“I’m not scared.” But I am. I’m terrified.
“Sure you are. Your father warned me to stay put when you pushed me away, to ride out the storm, and show you that I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not.”
“You asked my father’s permission?”
What is this, the stone age?
How could my father know about this and not warn me?
“I didn’t ask. He asked me what my intention was. I told him I love you. I knew I wanted to marry you one day. I didn’t know that day would come this soon.”
“But the bracelet?” I turn it around on my right wrist, inspecting it. His mother had good taste. “It fits perfectly.”
“I hope you’ll forgive me, but I snooped a little in your bathroom, and sized it according to another bracelet I found. I wanted it ready in case the right moment occurred.”
The right moment would be when you dropped me off at home. That way, I could get rid of you while I considered my plan for how to tell you that I’ve fooled you from the beginning.
I smile to keep my real thoughts from showing.
Henrik moves from the bench to the ground and kneels. “You’ve lost love before, but I’m not going anywhere.”
All warmth in me freezes.
I didn’t lose love. You took him from me!
My voice is stiff, cold, and seething with hate. “Oh, get up, your knee will freeze.” I clear my throat, forcing a smooth and chirpy tone. “This is very…um…unexpected.”
On the road, three deer walk past us, one stopping to evaluate whether we pose any danger. Mom used to clear snow for the deer to find grass near the cabin. I loved watching them up close, and so did my brothers.
It’s a struggle to turn off my emotions while they are drowned in happy memories. This is, after all, the place I built them. “I’m not scared.” My voice shivers like ice ready to crack. “I can’t say yes to marrying you, though, after you beat me in a race.” It exhausts me, but I force a flirtatious blink at him. “You cheated.”
“I knew I should h
ave let you win.” He laughs, but his eyes seem to scan my soul for answers. “I’ve finally found someone I love, and I’m not giving up on that. I didn’t expect you to say yes right away. That wouldn’t be like you.”
I lift my cup from the bench and look out onto the lake, ignoring him.
Not like me?
I jumped for joy when Isac proposed, and I hope he can forgive me wherever he is. “I need time alone.” I must be more tired than I thought, and my brain is clearly mixing up my emotions towards Isac with Henrik at this moment. I do my best to keep my cool rather than start shouting at Henrik to get the fuck away from me.
He sighs and sets his cup on the bench. “I’ll take a walk. Call me when you want me to come back.” He walks off down the trail in his ski boots.
I go inside, lock the door, and gaze out the window. His footprints and shadow disappear behind the trees at the end of the road.
Phones don’t work here, remember?
The sun sets. I light candles and pour myself a glass of wine. The dancing fire hypnotizes me, and it’s only when the light burns out that I notice Henrik still hasn’t returned.
He didn’t dress warm enough to be out this long.
Good.
It’s pitch dark outside and no use peering out the window, but I do anyway.
Henrik is an adult. If he’s dead under a tree, or better yet, eaten by a bear or trampled to death by a moose, I’m not to blame. He took a walk, I tried calling, but my phone didn’t work, so I assumed he’d stopped by at another cabin for a coffee. I’ll think of something.
I light two new candles and prepare dinner, cooking the deer meat he packed. While it simmers, I check the front door to ensure it’s locked. If Henrik does come back, I don’t want him to sneak up behind me and scare me like he did on our first date in that stupid steel structure at Ekeberg.
After dinner, I add new logs to the fire and recheck the door. Then I check my phone, which of course has no service here, so I don’t know why I bother.
He's got it coming: Love is the best revenge Page 23