I glanced around to see if there was anyone who could help me figure out what happened, except I was all alone. Every one of the reporters that had been out there before had disappeared. I looked over my shoulder to ask Christine, but she was gone too.
What the hell was happening?
I went back inside to demand that someone answer my questions. Across the lobby I saw Megan and Jackson walking into a room arm in arm.
“Jackson,” I called to him, but he didn’t turn around.
“Oh, good. We’ve been waiting.” A balding man on the shorter side came bustling up to me.
“Waiting for me?”
“Yes. Let’s get going.” He wrapped a hand around my bicep and led me to a door.
He pushed it open, revealing a large room with rows of chairs set up. Almost all of them were filled. Little guy kept pushing me forward. Each time I stopped he told me, “No, not there.”
It wasn’t until we reached the front empty row that he gestured to the seat on the end.
He nodded and turned back toward the front. That was when I saw it. The large silver coffin sitting at the front of the room. How had I missed that? And it didn’t make any sense that I was sitting in the front row. Wasn’t the front row set aside for members of the family?
Everything in my stomach turned sour as the realization that the coffin at the front contained someone I loved. I looked around the room, trying to find Christine. She was nowhere to be seem. How did I not know we had to attend a funeral today?
I forced myself to my feet. If no one would tell me whose funeral we were at, I’d figure it out myself.
The butterflies in my stomach turned into lead bricks as I wrapped my hands around the handlebars on the lid of the coffin.
I sucked in a deep breath and pulled up on the handle. Screaming filled my ears as I opened it the rest of the way and looked down into Christine’s face.
I bolted upright in bed. Beads of sweat racing down my temple. My heart pounded in my chest and I struggled to draw in a full breath. Closing my eyes, I placed my hand over my chest and focused on pulling in one breath after another.
It didn’t help. Something had to give. I grabbed my phone off my dresser and left my room. I pulled up the newest contact in my phone and hit dial.
“Hello.” The voice on the other end of the phone was groggy, like she’d been woken up from a deep sleep.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll let you go back to sleep.”
“Aiden, is that you?”
I used the bottom hem of my T-shirt to mop the sweat from my brow. “Yeah, sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”
“No, no. It’s okay.” I heard the creak of wood. “I didn’t expect you to call in the middle of the night.”
I peeked at the time and realized it was three in the morning. I wanted to smack myself in the head. What was wrong with me? Calling someone else at that hour of the morning and expecting them to jump to answer my call.
“I shouldn’t have woken you.”
“Aiden.” Her voice was firm. “What happened? And don’t tell me nothing. I can hear it in your voice.”
I shivered, remnants of the dream still clinging to my subconscious. Dream? More like nightmare. “I can’t sleep.”
“Why can’t you sleep?”
I listened to make sure my yelling hadn’t woken Chloe. When nothing but silence greeted me from the hall, I turned in the other direction and went straight for the kitchen. “I had another nightmare.”
“About Christine?”
I reached up to the top cabinet for a glass and took the bottle of bourbon from the back shelf of the pantry. I let go of the glass so I didn’t smash it in my finger with the death grip I had on it. “Yeah.”
“Tell me about it.”
The liquid splashed over the side of the glass as it hit the bottom. I knew there were points where I should’ve stopped filling it, but I kept going. Anything to burn the memories from my mind. “Do you really want to know?”
“I want to know what has you up at three in the morning calling me. And I think talking about it could do you a world of good.”
I tossed back the amber liquid and slammed the glass on the counter. “What good is it going to do me to talk about the dreams?”
“Because talking about what scares or hurts us can help us push through the pain. When was the last time you actually opened up to someone about what happened?”
The counter was cool to the touch as I rested back against it, laying my head on the wall. “Now you sound like Jackson. He was here a week ago, trying to convince me to talk to him.”
“And?”
“And nothing.” I pushed off the wall, one foot landing in front of the other until I found myself wearing a hole in the rug of the living room floor. “There’s nothing to talk about. She’s gone. I just need to stop waking up in a cold sweat every night when I dream about her.”
“Aiden.” Her voice was a whisper over the phone line. “It doesn’t work that way. Besides your daughter, you lost one of the most important people in your life. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to be pissed. You’re allowed to feel whatever emotions you want to feel. What you’re not allowed to do is keep it all bottled up. Let it out. Tell the world how you feel.”
“How I feel?” Every muscle in my body coiled tight, ready to attach. “How do I feel? I feel like fucking shit. I feel like a million people were privy to my private pain. The whole world knows what happened to Christine. I don’t need to rehash my feelings about it. It won’t change anything.”
“But it will. Once you recognize the anger and hurt you’ve buried deep below the surface. Let it out. Yell, scream, whatever it takes.”
“Whatever it takes isn’t possible because I would’ve done whatever it took to save her. She gave me the most beautiful daughter in the world and there wasn’t a damn fucking thing I could’ve done to save her. She was my whole wide world and I watched it be ripped away in a moment. I watched her eyes roll into the back of her head, her whole body beginning to shake.” Now that the memories had been unleashed I couldn’t find a way to put them back into the bottle. “She was supposed to be here with me every step of the way. We were supposed to grow old together, watch our kids and our grandkids grow up. Instead she died as the doctors tried to save her.” I tugged on the ends of my hair. “And now, every time I close my eyes without drinking a shit ton of alcohol before I go to bed, I dream about her floating away and me chasing her until I trip. About her funeral. And each and every time I know I won’t be able to reach her, but that doesn’t stop me from running my hardest and trying to get her. But no matter how hard I push, I can’t even save her in my dreams.”
A sniffle came from the other end of the line. “Oh, Aiden.” Her voice was clogged with emotion. “Don’t you realize what bottling all this up has done to you? You have every right to think every one of those things. You think you didn’t do enough to save Christine, but with what you just described, you, the nurses, and the doctors did everything humanly possible to save her. Nothing you could have done would have kept her with you.”
“But…” I stopped in my tracks, my breathing coming in rapid succession. What the hell had I been doing to myself? To Chloe? My eyes and throat burned as I dropped to my knees right there in the middle of the living room.
“There are no buts here, Aiden. You need to start talking to someone. I told you I’d be here if you needed me to listen, but it doesn’t have to been me. Just talk to someone. Anyone. The guilt and grief will eat you from the inside out if you let it.”
Before she could finish what she was saying, I disconnected the call. Her words made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was one thing to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and another to face my feelings in the light of day.
I grabbed the bottle and filled the glass again, tipping my head back and swallowed it in one gulp. If I couldn’t sleep without alcohol, I’d make sure I had a dr
ink each and every night before bed.
I dropped the glass into the sink and wandered out to the living room. The pillows and blankets I’d used at night when I couldn’t sleep in my own bed sat ready and waiting on the other side of the couch.
I drew the covers over me. The warm feeling from the alcohol started to spread through every part of me.
I didn’t know if I’d be able to sleep, but at least I knew I didn’t have to deal with the dreams being in my own bed evoked.
Time for a new plan.
8
Aiden
The ice clinked against the side of the glass as I lifted the amber liquid to my lips. The alcohol burned a fiery path down my throat. Hopefully, it would numb my mind at the same time. Nothing seemed to do the job anymore. The only night I got a decent night sleep was the one I talked to Lexi. Even after all these years, she could read me like a book and tell me what I needed to hear.
A night out. A night to drown my misery in a few drinks before heading home to face a reality I never asked for. Never wanted.
Music filled the room. Conversations grew louder. I ignored it all. Chloe was staying with her grandparents for the weekend, which left me all alone in a silent house, and nothing to distract me from the thoughts that always sat on the surface.
A shiver raced down my spine as the memories of the nightmare from the day before kept coming back to haunt me. They were consistent and left me with nights where I woke up in a cold sweat and a panic trying to find Christine.
I tipped the glass back, draining the rest of the liquid. When I set the glass down, I waved down the bartender for a refill. Without anyone at home waiting for me, I had no need to worry about how much I had to drink.
He set a new glass on the counter and began pouring the drink. I’d given up on the single drinks a little bit ago. A double made it necessary to order less often.
“Put it on my tab.”
The guy nodded and slid the drink in my direction.
I had it halfway to my lips when a familiar voice filled my ears.
“Aiden?”
I didn’t need to see her face to know her voice. I glanced over my shoulder for a brief second to make sure I was right.
“Lex.” I acknowledged her with a dip of my head then turned my focus back to my drink on the bar.
I felt her move closer. “What are you doing here? Where’s Chloe?”
Twirling the glass in my hand, I answered without looking up. I knew my eyes would give it all away.
“With her grandparents.”
Her small, cool hand landed on my arm. “Aiden, look at me.” I swiveled around on the stool and noticed for the first time a guy standing not far behind her. Her eyes were wide. “I just saw your mom at the supermarket and she didn’t have the baby with her.”
“No, not my parents.” I shook my head and swayed a little on the stool. “Christine’s mom and dad wanted some time with Chloe. They flew in the other day and asked if they could spend the weekend with her.”
Lexi’s eyes softened. “So you decided to come out and get wasted?”
“Not wasted.” I stop to take a sip of the bourbon. “I’ve only had a few drinks.”
Her eyes darted to the glass in my hand. “And that’s a double. Seems like you’ve had more than you thought.”
“Nah.” The dull edge of the buzz had started to take hold of my body. My limbs and lips felt tingly.
I felt relaxed. Something that didn’t often happen for me anymore. The guy with Lexi came a little closer. He looked familiar, but as my vision started to blur around the edges I couldn’t be sure. I held a hand out to him.
“Aiden.”
He stared at my hand for a second, shock seeming to settle over his features. Finally he took it and shook. “I…I know who you are. I just didn’t know that Lexi knew you so well.”
“I told you we grew up together,” Lexi said over her shoulder.
“Yeah, but growing up together and being close friends are two very different things.”
Lexi rolled her eyes. “Aiden, this is Mitch Roffman.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mitch.”
“Holy shit.” Mitch chuckled. “Sorry, this is a bit overwhelming. I can’t believe I’m meeting the lead singer for Violet Obsession. Doesn’t seem real.”
I finished off my drink. His words were even more bitter than the fire racing down my throat. “It’s not really since I’m not the lead singer of Violet Obsession anymore.”
His brows drew together. “Wait, I thought they said you were taking a leave of absence, not leaving the band completely.”
I flagged down the bartender once again for another drink. “Nope. That’s the lie they’re telling everyone. Don’t think they realize it’s a lie. I think they believe I will change my mind and come back someday.”
“You don’t plan on going back?”
I moved back to face the bar. “Not in a million years. I’ve built a life here with Chloe.” Not that most people would classify it as a life, more like existing.
“I was so sorry to hear about your wife.” His tone was soft, sympathetic.
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself together. Lexi noticed it right away. She turned to Mitch. “Why don’t you find us two seats at the bar and I’ll be there in a minute?”
Mitch opened his mouth like he wanted to argue for a moment. In the end he decided not to. “It was nice meeting you. I’m going to head to the other side of the bar and see if there’s something open.”
There were empty seats surrounding me, but I had a feeling Lexi wanted to be alone with me to call me out on my shit. Starting with why I was drowning my pain in alcohol instead of doing something about it. Something that actually might help.
When Mitch was gone, Lexi grabbed my knees, pulling me around on the stool to face her. The room spun and I grabbed the side of the bar to keep my balance.
“What’s your deal, Aiden?” She narrowed her eyes at me. “You may look the bad boy part with the tattoo sleeves and piercings, but I know better. I know about the man who lives in here.” She placed her hand over my heart. “And he’s not one to sit and drink himself into oblivion.”
“This Aiden does.”
The bartender placed the drink in front of me. This time instead of sipping it slowly, I drank half of it like a shot.
She zeroed in on me like lasers. “No, even this Aiden doesn’t. Talk to me. You did the other night when you called. Nothing between us has changed. We’re still friends and I’ll always be here.”
I turned away from her. “No one is always here.”
“Aiden…”
“What? It’s true.” I picked up my glass again, draining the rest. The tingling feeling from before turned into full blown numbness. Lexi’s image seemed to blur right before my eyes. “If everyone was always here I probably wouldn’t be in this mess.” Some part of my brain understood my words were slurred; the rest of it just didn’t seem to care as I gestured to the bartender for another drink.
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”
“Not if I can still feel anything.” The drink was set in front of me, but before I could wrap my fingers around the glass, Lexi swiped it out of my reach.
“Can you close out his tab?”
The bartender looked between the two of us. I wanted to cause a scene. Scream, yell, throw chairs, anything to make the pain go away. If I couldn’t have alcohol, something needed to do the trick.
The bartender nodded and walked away. I did the best I could to glare at Lexi, but the harder I tried the more I swayed on the stool.
“Why did you do that?”
Her eyes traveled up and down me. “’Cause you need to go home and sleep this off.”
Pain filled my chest and the back of my throat burned. “I don’t want to go home,” I whispered.
“You can’t stay here all night. I don’t know how much you’ve had to drink, but I know you’re absolutely shit-faced right now.”
“It’s better than remembering. Than seeing her every night in my dreams.”
“Did you dream about her last night?”
I covered my eyes with my hands and rubbed them down my face, as my stomach churned. I couldn’t have been that drunk as the memories assaulted me once again.
“I dream about her almost every night.”
My lids grew heavy.
“Aiden, let me take you home.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her reach into her purse and pull out her phone. Her fingers flew over the keys. I shook my head and tried to reach for where she was typing out a message to someone.
“I don’t want to go home. It’s too quiet there right now.”
She stopped and looked up, studying me. “Your parents?”
“No…”
Her gaze darted to the other side of the bar and back to me.
“Okay. I know where we can go. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere and don’t order anything else to drink.”
Against my better judgement or whatever judgement I could have in that moment, I agreed and watched her stand and walk around the other side of the bar.
“Here you go.”
The bartender set a credit slip in front of me. I scribbled out my name, hopefully in the right spot, and dropped the pen onto the counter.
I tried to focus on Lexi, but the room had morphed from one of everything to two. Maybe she was right, it was time to leave.
9
Lexi
Walking away from Aiden wasn’t easy. The bloodshot eyes and slurred words were a terrible combination. I should’ve known something more had been happening when he called me the other night. I thought maybe it had been a dream. One he hadn’t had in a while. It had been eight almost nine months since Christine had passed away.
Apparently the old adage that time healed all wounds was bullshit.
Last and Forever Page 5