by MV Ellis
The realization hits me like a sledgehammer to the head, just as my hands meet his, and we swap from two trapezes to one. The only thing stopping me from slamming painfully into the net below is his strong, tattooed grip on my wrists. In that split second, I mentally will him to let me fall. I don’t want to be connected to him in any way, neither physically, nor emotionally, and especially not by my heartstrings. I may be smitten, but I’m not too far gone to realize what an unenviable position that is—one that will inevitably end in a broken heart. Mine, not his.
Arlo doesn’t do relationships—he’s made that clear no less than a billion times since we met. Beyond that, it’s the single most reported aspect of his personal life. Monogamy is his kryptonite, and love is a four-letter word. After the heartbreak of losing Danny, loving Arlo equates to signing up to have my heart trampled on a daily basis. Despite the words engraved on the feather tattoo that serve as a reminder to me of everything I’ve been through, and how strong I’ve had to be to get this far, I’m really not sure I’m strong enough to handle that. If Arlo broke my heart, I honestly think it would break me.
How could I have let this happen? I’ve done nothing but attempt to avoid any kind of emotional intimacy with him since the first time we met. Yes, the attraction is off the scale and always has been, and the sex is better than anything I’ve experienced, but I was able to convince myself that it was just chemistry, or lust—a good lay, and nothing else. It was just “getting back on the horse” after losing Danny. I honestly believed I could fuck and run, and not get emotionally attached in the process. I guess I was wrong.
When did it happen? I was deeply in love with Danny, so I know what that feels like. Why didn’t I notice it happening this time around? When did I allow Arlo to get so far under my skin? I mentally scan through our time together in my mind’s eye, as though watching a movie on rewind, but can’t trace it to a specific point. Clearly while I thought that I was being cool, calm, and in control, I was actually gradually going under. I’m a walking cliché—falling for the baddest of bad boys while thinking I could beat him at his own game.
Despite the shock of discovering my true feelings, I’m euphoric when we make our way down from the trapeze. It’s such a thrill to do something that’s been on my bucket list for so long—especially something as exhilarating as this. After bidding Angelique a fond farewell, I turn to Arlo to thank him, my words spilling out almost faster than my brain can keep up.
“Oh my God! Thank you so, so much. That was amazing. One of the best things I’ve ever done, and I still can’t believe you organized it all. Unreal! The rush was like nothing else!”
“It was nothing, babe, honestly. I’m just glad you enjoyed it.”
We’re facing each other, and he takes a step closer to me, reaching out to tilt my chin, forcing me to look at him. I squirm uncomfortably, so sure that if I meet his gaze, he’ll see my feelings for him in my eyes.
“Imagine what would have happened if you hadn’t caught me.” I’m babbling, desperate to lighten the intensity of the moment.
“But I did catch you. Like a boss, might I add.” He winks. “And you need to know that I’ll always be there to catch you, no matter what. Okay?”
I nod mutely, unable to tear my eyes away from his, but wishing I could.
“Hey, are you okay? You’re shaking like a fucking leaf. Are you hurt?” Concern is written all over his face.
He’s right. I hadn’t even realized it, but I’m quivering uncontrollably.
“Nah, it’s all good,” I say, trying to sound bright and breezy. “All of this is a lot to take in, that’s all. I think the adrenaline’s catching up with me, and maybe I’m just a bit tired and overemotional.”
“Yeah… maybe….” He speaks so deliberately that I know he doesn’t believe a word. I can practically see the cogs of his mind turning as he puts together the pieces.
“Thanks again,” I say, reaching up on tiptoes, gripping his shoulders to peck him on the cheek.
At first he seems to accept the chaste gesture, but at the last second, he swiftly turns his head so that his lips collide with mine. Moments later, we’re locked in a brutally passionate kiss. I don’t know if it really is the adrenaline or the realization that I love him, but I literally can’t get enough. I’m savage, clawing at him, grabbing him by the neck, pulling his hair, biting his bottom lip—my self-control is hanging by a thread. I didn’t think it was possible to be more turned on by Arlo, but it’s as though acknowledging my feelings has taken the attraction to a whole new level.
He’s quick to match my ferocity, snaking one hand into my hair and tugging my head back to deepen the kiss. The other hand grabs my butt, pulling my body to his. Minutes pass, and I feel his growing erection press into me. He’s hard as rock, as ever. I’m about to start tearing our clothes off where we stand when Arlo pulls his mouth away from mine to whisper hoarsely in my ear.
“Listen, the building above is a great hotel. We’re getting a suite, right now, or I’m going to rip your clothes off and fuck you senseless over one of these tables.”
Little does he know I’m already senseless.
Fifteen
I have almost no recollection of Arlo checking us in to the hotel, let alone how we make it up to the suite. My desire for him is at the forefront of my mind, blinding me to anything else. It almost feels like it’s our first time together, and in a way, it kind of is. It’s the first time that we’re more than just two people who are hot for each other, screwing because they can. Now love is in the mix—at least for me, anyway. I love this man. It’s thrilling, but terrifying, because I know it can never be more than it is now. I can’t let my feelings develop further than they already have, and I definitely can’t let him know how I feel. Arlo Jones is not a guy to fall in love with.
I resolve to deal with that can of worms later. Right now, we need to release the pent-up tension that’s been building over the past few weeks of not sleeping together. We crash into the room, kissing hard, and tearing each other’s clothes off before the door is even closed behind us. I suspect we won’t make it to the bed, and I’m right. We get seminaked in record time, and what clothing we can’t rip off fast enough, we work around—we’re way too desperate to slow things down by fumbling with zippers and buttons.
Arlo backs me against the hall wall to stop us from toppling over. I reach between his legs and take him in my hands. So. Fucking. Hard. He lifts me off my feet, and wraps my legs around his waist, bending his knees so I’m almost sitting on his thighs. He slips into me in seconds and immediately goes deep. My whole body erupts with sensation. I’m so wet, and so turned on, that I instantly want more. I use my bodyweight to deepen each thrust as he rams into me.
I look at Arlo’s face, and the intensity in his eyes shakes me. It’s too much. He’s too much. I stare back, as unblinking as him. It’s as though time is standing still around us. Every fiber of my being is telling me that this is a pivotal moment. This is the moment that he and I become us.
We start moving again, our pace frenetic, crashing into each other deeper, harder, faster. Although it’s fast and furious, I feel closer to him now than ever, and I’m struggling to handle the depth of emotion. Sex with him is always amazing, but this time, it’s on a whole different level. It’s a revelation—like watching color TV after years of black-and-white. It’s a revelation.
Unbelievably, he seems to be getting harder and larger as we hurtle toward our inevitable release. Wave after wave of intense pleasure flows into, out of, and over me. I scream as I come, spasming around him as he’s hit by the throes of his own climax. My cry is joined by his roar, filling the air with emotion-charged sound. Arlo pushes my legs up and back as he gives one last deep thrust.
His legs give out on him at the same at the same time my emotions give out on me. He lowers himself to the ground with my legs still wrapped around him. I tilt my head back to rest against the wall, and before I know it, or can do anything to stop it, hot, he
avy tears slip out from under my closed eyelids, silently coursing down my cheeks. Arlo notices immediately.
“Babe, what’s the matter? Was I too rough? Did I hurt you?”
Even with my eyes closed I can feel the weight of his gaze on my face. I know he’s waiting for an explanation, or at least to hear me tell him I’m okay. I open my eyes, furiously wiping away the tears with the back of my hand. It’s pointless—they just keep coming.
I tilt my head forward again and look him in the eye. “It’s nothing, Arlo, honestly. It’s been a big day. I’m tired and drained, that’s all.”
I don’t miss the clench of his jaw, and the vein pulsing in his temple before he speaks again. “Why d’you keep lying to me? That’s the second time today you’ve given me the ‘tired and emotional’ spiel. I wasn’t buying it earlier, and I’m sure as shit not buying it now. I’m not stupid, London, and more to the point, I know you, which means I know something’s wrong.
“I’ve just had the most intense and meaningful sexual experience of my life with you, and I’m fucking euphoric. But then I look down and you’re bawling your goddamned eyes out, and you expect me to believe everything’s hunky-fucking-dory? I just can’t figure you out. On one hand, you speak your mind and are always quick to put me in my place if I’m being a jerk, but on the other, I can’t get a read on what’s going on with you. I never know where I’m at—where we’re at. And just when I think we’re making progress, when I see a spark in your eyes that gives me hope, something like this happens.”
He cradles my cheeks in his hands and gently uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears that have slowed a little since he started speaking. He’s looking at me so tenderly it just about breaks my heart. He speaks again, but this time his voice is so soft I can hardly hear him.
“Shhhh… babe, don’t cry. I can’t bear it. Fuck. It shatters me that you’re hurting but won’t talk to me about it. Especially when I know that somehow I’m responsible.”
Arlo pulls me toward him so that my cheek rests against his chest, and wraps his arms around me. He holds me like that for what seems like an eternity, until the tears finally stop and my breathing steadies. He’s first to break the silence. He sighs heavily, pulling me slightly away from him to look at me.
“Is this about Danny?”
What?
“Umm… what? Yes…. Sort of…. Not really.” Well, I’m glad I cleared that up.
Arlo seems unperturbed by my lack of clarity. For one of the most impatient people I know, he suddenly seems to have all the time in the world to wait for me to explain myself. In the meantime, he keeps a concerned, watchful eye on me. Those eyes….
I pause, steeling myself with a deep intake of breath before continuing.
“I love him. I mean I loved him. A lot. And I still love his memory. We were soul mates, and we were planning our future together. Then in the course of a few moments, that was all over, and now all I have left are memories and feelings. When I first met you, I felt like I was crapping all over what Danny and I had, or something. I was questioning everything I thought I knew, you know? But now it’s kind of bigger than that, it’s about us.” Arlo nods but says nothing, urging me on with his eyes.
Apart from everything else, Arlo is so different from Danny in almost every way, that I question how I could possibly love them both. Physically, they’re worlds apart—Arlo’s rugged tattoos, sparkling green eyes, and thick dark hair are in stark contrast to Danny’s blond hair, startling blue eyes, and clean-cut good looks. Danny was open and easy to be around, with none of Arlo’s brooding tension simmering just under the surface. Arlo is known globally for his womanizing ways, while Danny had had one serious relationship before we got together.
The only similarity is possibly their business acumen. Arlo has the band, the club, and the tattoo parlor, all thriving businesses in their own right, and seems to have the Midas touch in that sense—he can do no wrong. Danny killed it on the trading floor, and although he was relaxed socially and gentle emotionally, he was definitely a wolf on Wall Street. Known for being a shrewd operator, like Arlo, he too had a poker face from hell. I smile at the memory of the number of times he thoroughly whooped my ass at cards, just like I’m sure Arlo would, if I gave him half a chance.
On the other hand, I can’t deny that we’re good together, both in and out of bed. We’ve got that yin-yang thing happening. Even shooting Arlo doesn’t feel like work. Apart from the fact that it’s almost impossible to take a bad picture of him, we just get each other, and the photos seem to more or less take themselves. My heart and my libido are telling me it’s a shame to throw away such a good thing, given how rare it is to find, while my brain is constantly doubting the legitimacy of what we have.
“I don’t know what I’m trying to say, really. Just that I’ve been dealing with some shit over the past few months. I know I’ve been inconsistent with you—one minute I’m all about upholding the impropriety clause—the next I’m all over you, but I’ve been struggling to get things straight in my head. I realize it’s not fair, but you need to know I haven’t been deliberately lying to you. I’m sorry.”
Arlo lets out a ragged breath that I think he’s been holding for a while.
“Don’t be sorry. You’re human, and the past two years have been heavy for you. Of course it’s going to affect you. I might be an asshole a lot of the time, but even I can understand that. What’s happening between us is a big deal—I’d be more worried if you showed no reaction.” He smiles sadly.
“You know, when my mom and dad split, my mom was alone for a long time until she finally found her husband, Pete. By that time, my dad had died, and for years I wanted nothing to do with Pete. None of us boys did, really. We gave him the hardest time. Over the years as we saw how good he was for Mom, and it was clear that he wasn’t going anywhere, we gradually learned to accept him. I realized ages later that I was hating on him because I thought letting him into our lives was being disloyal to Dad’s memory. It’s not like that though. Loving people who are here doesn’t mean we don’t or didn’t love those who aren’t. We’re not trying to replace them or forget them, we’re just living. It gets easier, baby, trust me.”
Well, damn. Just when I think I’ve got the measure of Arlo, he does or says something that makes me rethink the way I see him. He continues.
“I want to be with you. I think I can make you happy. I think I do make you happy, sometimes, at least. And I know for sure that you rock my world. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever wanted this. No, needed this. I want you, and I need you in my life. I’m willing to help you be okay with that.” He wears a pained expression, and I can almost see the tension as it spreads through his body.
I knew things were developing between us as the months wore on, and we got to know each other more, and I guess I knew he had some kind of feelings for me, but it’s different to hear him come right out and say it. Even more of a big deal that it comes so soon after me realizing the true nature of my feelings for him. Holy shit, this is epic. Epic and scary as hell. I’m in completely uncharted territory here, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to make it through with only Arlo to catch me if I fall.
“You do make me happy, and I love… what you did for me today. It was so special, and thoughtful, and beautiful.”
I give him a rueful quarter smile, and a gentle peck on the lips. It’s all I can muster, but I hope it’s enough to reassure him that I’m okay. Kinda, sorta. Maybe?
A little while later, we’re relaxing in bed—Arlo carried me there, after our encounter in the hall. We’ve shed the rest of our clothes, and are now luxuriating in the pleasure of each other’s bodies. I’m lying with my head across Arlo’s chest, and he’s idly stroking my scars, walking his fingers around the maze they create on my hip. Neither of us speaks for the longest time, until Arlo breaks the silence.
“Babe, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, because it’s literally never happened before, but we didn’t use a cond
om just now. I just got so carried away that the thought didn’t even occur to me. Shit. Shit! Shit! It felt so damned good, but I could slap myself for being so stupid and reckless. I’m really fucking sorry. When I’m around you, I swear I can’t think rationally. That’s no excuse, but it’s the truth.”
Wait, what? Dread sweeps through me. Shit. He’s right, we’ve both been really stupid. If what he’s saying is true, he’s normally careful about that stuff, and I know I am, so how the hell did we both let that slip?
“It takes two to tango, Arlo, so this is on me as much as you. It was a dumb thing for both of us to do. Really fucking dumb, actually. The slight silver lining is that I’m on birth control. I always was as a dancer, and I guess I never really got around to quitting it, so we don’t have to worry on that front. And I’m clean. I used to get tested regularly, and apart from you, there’s been nobody since Danny, so I’m good.”
“Me too. Testing I mean. I normally never take risks, but I do the tests anyway. The last time was just before coming back out on tour, and it was all clear. Glad you’re on birth control though.” I hear the relief in his voice.
“Yeah, it’s cool, but maybe let’s stick with condoms from now on, anyway, yeah?”
He nods his agreement.
Despite my misgivings about him, I can’t ignore the fact that I’m comfortable snuggled into him like this. Encircled in his arms, I feel safe and loved. So much so that I quickly begin to drift off to sleep with the sound of his heartbeat filling my ears.
“Hmmm… home…,” I mumble drowsily, on the precipice of sleep.
“What did you say?” Arlo questions gently, but I’m asleep before I can muster the energy to respond.
I’m not sure how I manage to wake up so early the next morning, given the way Arlo and I put each other through our paces during the night. I didn’t think it was possible for a guy to keep going for so long without the assistance of a certain little blue pill, but Arlo seems to be hard again moments after coming. His stamina is phenomenal, as is his appetite for going down on me. I’ve been with guys who haven’t given me as much head in our entire relationship as Arlo has in one night.