When the moment finally struck her, she saw a bright blue sky, and sunshine, and tall trees in her mind’s eye. She heard the familiar sounds of birds and dogs and bees buzzing around heavy flowers. She could almost feel the fresh air against her face. Daniel clutched her, allowing her to ride out her orgasm against his hand, her hips jerking, her body looking for more before the tremors of pleasure even stopped.
Daniel must have seen the hunger in her eyes. He unbuttoned his pants, pushing her skirt high above her waist with his other hand. Carol nodded quickly, encouraging him to continue, still feeling oddly unsatisfied. She wanted to feel him inside of her, wanted to relish the unique, timeless sensation of their bodies coming together. She was determined to enjoy each moment, to commit it to memory, to hold onto it as tightly as she could, because a part of her knew she might not get another chance.
A part of her was already gone.
Carol rested her forehead against Daniel’s, keeping her eyes open and locked on his. She wished he could read her mind so he could understand the life she lived, the life she longed to live. But mostly, she was glad he could not, because she didn’t want him to see all the promises she couldn’t keep, didn’t want him to know the vows she might break.
They rocked against each other—slow, subtle, deliberate movements that brought the two together in a tight fit. Carol clenched her muscles around him, holding him deep within her, as they built the tension bit by bit, stretching each second as long as they could.
Daniel claimed her mouth in a final kiss, capturing her breath and her moans with his lips. The exquisite kiss tasted bittersweet, like melted dark chocolate with a dash of salt. Mingled tears flavored their lips as Daniel deepened the kiss, pouring his emotions into her body. Please come back. Don’t leave me forever. Don’t forget about me. I love you.
I love you.
Carol didn’t know where her body began. She didn’t know if his tears dampened her cheek. She couldn’t find the line that divided them. She could only kiss him until she surrendered to him completely, turning her body over to him without restraint or hesitation. He took advantage of the new control, steadily increasing the tempo of his thrusts, until her head spun, her hands shook, her chest ached, and her body burned. Carol clung to him as her body tightened, each stroke making her taut, until something inside of her finally burst.
She screamed Daniel’s name against his mouth, her mind gone, her body awash with feelings she couldn’t name. She clutched his shoulders like a child, afraid that if she let go, she would never stop falling.
Almost as quickly as the world had gone topsy-turvy, it righted itself, leaving her a shaken, satisfied mess. She rested her head against Daniel’s shoulder, inhaling the sweet smell of his body and their lovemaking, content at that moment to just be in his arms. She didn’t want anything to disturb that calm moment.
But life always intruded.
“I’ll help you pack,” Daniel said, his voice uneven. She could hear the ball of emotion lodged in his chest.
“Thank you.”
Carol managed to separate herself from him, but once they were apart, she felt cold and vulnerable. Adjusting her skirt and pulling on her bra and shirt, she tried to look at him, but every time he met her gaze, she averted her eyes. He looked dazed, but under control.
“Do you know what you’re going to tell Becky?”
Carol bit her lip. She hadn’t even thought about it. Would Rebecca even notice her absence? A part of her thought the baby was too young, but she knew better. She’d have to explain to her daughter that…
That what? That she had better things to do with her time than stick around with her only child?
“Could you tell her?” Carol asked.
Daniel arched his eyebrow. “Me? Why can’t you tell her?”
“I don’t know how.”
“I think you owe her an explanation, Carol.”
“What if she hates me for it?” she asked, tucking the letter into her blouse. She felt better with it against her heart, like it was some sort of shield.
“You’re her mother. She’s never going to hate you.”
Carol nodded. “You’re right. I don’t think I have much time.”
“Yeah.” Daniel touched her arm for a moment before opening the door. “There’s never much time. Never enough time to do what matters, anyway.”
Carol stepped out of the tiny office into the kitchen without resentment for the first time since they moved into the little house. The kitchen was just a room now, like any other room. It wasn’t even her room. It all belonged to Daniel. She was finally free.
Chapter 5
Denver, Colorado
1964
Daniel stared at the blank sheet of paper without blinking, trying to imagine what it would look like once it became a letter. With his hand curled around a good pen, and a fresh pot of coffee at his side, he was prepared to begin the correspondence. But he didn’t have any words at hand.
He knew he had to write this letter. Carol deserved to know the truth, whatever else stood between them. When he had finally tracked down May, through an endless series of phone calls and letters to the various magazines and newspapers that published her essays, he knew that he had run out of excuses. May knew where Carol was and how to get a letter to her.
Dear Carol…
It was a start.
He didn’t know what to tell her. Should he keep the news simple, sweet, and to the point? Should he write an opus, explaining how it happened, when it happened, where it happened, justifying his decisions and his life for the past four years? Did she deserve simple courtesy or did she deserve an explanation?
Would she care either way? It was possible he was tearing himself apart for no reason, and she wouldn’t even get the letter. Or she wouldn’t care.
If she cared, she would have sent him the occasional letter, or called on her daughter’s birthday. But she was gone and this was just a formality.
Dear Carol,
I’m getting married next month. Her name is Emma, and she’s quite fond of Becky. We’ve been happy together, and Becky needs a mother now that she’s getting older.
I hope you’re healthy and happy,
Daniel
He studied the composition for several minutes, trying to beat back the guilt that clouded his mind. She deserved an explanation.
P.S. I met Emma at the grocery store, of all places. She needed help getting something off the top shelf. I asked her out to dinner. I didn’t plan for there to be more than that. But we had a lot in common, and I enjoyed talking to her. I think you’d like her, too. She’s funny, and smart. I waited for you to send me a sign, anything, letting me know where I stood. I tried to contact you several times, but the letters I sent were always stamped “Return to Sender.”
I wasn’t even sure you were still alive until I finally found May, and she assured me you were quite well.
A soft knock on the door interrupted his pen. “Come in,” he called.
Emma stepped into the small room that had once been Carol’s office, but Emma didn’t know that. “Are you writing your letter? I don’t want to stop you, I was just—”
Daniel stood. “No, no, come in. I was finishing up anyway.”
“I put Becky down for the night. She wanted you to come in and read to her, but I told her you were busy. You have a date for tomorrow, though.” Emma cast an amused smile his way. “You better make it a good read, too.”
Daniel placed his palm over his chest. “I cross my heart. Are you leaving now?”
“I’ve got to get up early. The principal is giving us a surprise evaluation tomorrow morning,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“You don’t sound very surprised.”
“His secretary gives us fair warning.”
Daniel wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. Her unruly, black hair tickled his face. “You don’t have to leave yet, do you?”
Emma laughed lightly against his chest. “Daniel
, we’ve had this discussion a dozen times. I can’t stay with you…”
Daniel lifted her chin, lightly kissing her curved mouth. She didn’t protest, even allowing him to slip his tongue between her lips before she pulled away. “I can’t, Daniel.”
He sighed. “I know. But you taste so good. And you smell so good.”
“And you have to wait only another month,” she said, hitting him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, only another month.”
Emma laughed, but her face grew serious when she noticed the letter again. “Do you think she’ll try to come to the wedding?”
Daniel shook his head. The same question had been plaguing him since he made the effort to find her. Would she come to the wedding? Would she be supportive or angry? Would she try to take Becky away from him? She wasn’t cruel or vindictive, but she could be jealous and heart-broken. Daniel knew he would be, if their situation were reversed. “I just don’t know. It’s impossible to tell with her.”
“Well, I hope she doesn’t come. I don’t want to meet her. I don’t want to know anybody who can abandon her husband and child like that.”
Daniel sighed, uncomfortable. Whenever Emma mentioned Carol, he felt compelled to come to her defense. “To be fair to her, she didn’t want to be here in the first place.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. It’s a long story.”
Emma stood on the tips of her toes, straining to kiss the corner of his mouth. “Well, I want to be here. There’s no place else I’d rather be. But I still have to go home right now.”
He nodded, stepping back. “I guess one more month won’t kill me.”
Emma smiled again, her eyes playful. “Why don’t you and Rebecca come to my place for dinner tomorrow? I’ll cook your favorite.”
“It’s a deal.” He chastely kissing her cheek. “Have a good night.”
“I love you.”
Daniel swallowed around the lump in his throat. She always said it so willingly, so easily. There was nothing blocking her emotions, nothing holding her back. Emma was open, giving, warm, and loving. But it still took a great effort to return her sentiments. “I love you, too.”
“Goodnight.”
Daniel walked her to the door, standing on the porch while she pulled away. He waited until he couldn’t see her taillights anymore before stepping back into the house. Out of habit, he made his nightly rounds, checking on Becky, kissing her goodnight before moving to the back of the house, where he secured the lock on the door. He double-checked the thermostat, made sure the windows were locked, ran the water to keep the pipes from freezing, and tried not to think of Carol reading the letter.
He moved through the dark house to the fridge, smiling when he saw that Emma had left a large, chocolate cake. His favorite. He found two small pies behind the cake. Becky’s favorite. There were little notes scattered around the kitchen—reminders of appointments, meetings, and school activities—all in Emma’s careful handwriting.
The only thing missing from his cozy house was Emma herself. In just a few short weeks, they’d go through the nightly routine together, and then she’d accompany him upstairs, turn off the lights, and…
Will you marry me, Carol?
One day.
Daniel silenced the memory. She was the one who betrayed her promise. She was the one who seemed to disappear off the planet. She was the one who never bothered to write him a letter. She had clearly moved on with her life. He needed to move on with his—for his sake as well as Rebecca’s.
Daniel dropped the letter into the mailbox for the postman to pick up before lumbering to his bedroom, the weight of a wasted lifetime on his shoulders.
* * * *
“Daniel!” Emma yelled over the shrieks of a very angry six-year-old girl. “Daniel!”
He dropped his shovel, rushing into the house, unmindful of the thick mud caked to the bottom of his boots. He took the stairs two at a time, his mind conjuring up horrid visions to match the awful sounds coming from Becky’s bedroom.
“I’m coming,” he called as he reached the landing. “I’m coming.” He nearly knocked the bedroom door off its hinges. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Emma took several steps away from the distraught child, her face twisted with confusion. “I was just dressing her. I wanted her to try on her dress for the ceremony, and she just lost it. I don’t know if she’s hurt…maybe a bee stung her…” Emma’s voice trailed away, her hands hanging helplessly at her side.
Daniel crossed the room, perching on the edge of Becky’s small bed. “Come here, princess. What’s wrong?”
Rebecca’s shrieks had faded, replaced by jerking sobs. She crawled onto Daniel’s lap, burying her face in the crook of his arm, wetting his shirt with tears and snot.
“Come on, tell Daddy what’s wrong so he can fix it,” he prompted, rubbing her back.
“I don’t…I don’t want to wear the dress…” Rebecca said, her voice muffled.
“Why not, baby? It’s a pretty dress. I thought you liked it when we bought it.”
“No. I hate it. I don’t want to wear it. Don’t make me wear it.”
Emma picked up the discarded white dress, her hands buried in its lacy ruffles. “We can find a new dress, Becky. That’s fine.”
Rebecca lifted her head just enough to shout, “No!”
Daniel caught Emma’s eye, gesturing toward the door with his head. She nodded, creeping out and shutting the door behind her. “What’s wrong? I know you’re not mad about the dress.”
“I don’t like Emma.”
“Now, Becky, of course you do. She makes you little pies for lunch, and she reads you stories every night, and she gives you baths, and you know, she loves you very much.”
“No. I don’t like her. I want my mom.” Rebecca looked up with fierce eyes, her lips in a thin line. “I want my mommy.”
Daniel closed his eyes, counting to ten. At that moment, she looked so much like Carol, he thought he might cry. “Becky girl, we talked about this, didn’t we? What did I tell you about Mommy?”
“She’s working.”
“Yes, she is.”
“But I want her to come home now. Don’t you want her to come home?”
Daniel didn’t know how to answer that question. Of course, he wanted Carol to come home, but if he said as much, it would undermine his relationship with Emma. Rebecca wouldn’t think in those terms, but she’d still understand something wasn’t quite right.
For the hundredth time, he wondered how much Rebecca actually remembered of her mother. If she remembered anything at all, how long would it be before she forgot about Carol completely?
“What if you marry Emma and Mommy comes home?”
“Mommy will probably be happy that I found somebody who loves me, and loves you, so much. Mommy is doing something right now that makes her happy, and helps other people. She’d understand.”
“Really?”
He nodded, though he didn’t believe it. “Now, do you want to try on your dress and go downstairs to apologize to Emma?”
“Why?”
“Because I think you hurt her feelings. It’s not nice to hurt people’s feelings, is it?” he asked, setting her on her feet.
“No.”
“No. Do you need help getting dressed?”
“No.”
“Okay, I’ll just be outside the door if you need anything.”
Rebecca nodded, already enthralled with the fluffy garment she had so recently discarded. Emma was waiting for him in the hallway, her eyes bright with fresh tears.
“She hates me, doesn’t she?” Emma asked.
Daniel pulled her into a hug, using his broad shoulders and strong hands to comfort her as he had comforted Rebecca. “She doesn’t hate you. She just misses her mother.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her that you loved her.”
“No, what did you tell her about Carol?”
He shrugged. “The
same thing I always tell her. I also told her to get dressed and to come out and apologize for hurting your feelings.”
Emma sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m fine.”
He looked down at his dirty boots and grimaced. “I’m going to clean up this mess. I was working in the garden when the screaming started.”
“I’m ready!” Rebecca announced, opening the door. She stepped into the hallway with her dress on backward, her face still streaked with tears, and her fine, blonde hair sticking on end. “Am I beautiful?”
“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” Daniel said, smiling.
Rebecca beamed, executing a perfect curtsey.
“Why don’t we put your hair in a pretty ribbon while Daddy cleans up that mud?” Emma suggested, guiding her to the bathroom mirror.
“Okay!”
Daniel waved before going down the stairs and out the front. He didn’t wipe the tears from his own eyes until he was in the relative privacy of his small garden.
* * * *
Daniel found it impossible to distinguish one day from the next as his planned wedding date moved closer and closer. Emma was in a flurry over pre-nuptial arrangements, and she rarely had any time to spend with him. His mother had made the journey from Mountain Grove for the occasion, and she spent every waking second with her granddaughter, smothering her with all the affection she had horded since Daniel moved away from the Grove. He was left alone, more often than not, with his thoughts. And he could think of only one person.
When she arrived on his doorstep, Daniel’s initial response was a sharp pang of guilt—his constant obsession with her had finally summoned her from her work. Then he felt relief. Then he felt desire so swift and sudden it winded him.
“What is this?” Carol demanded, holding up a creased and abused letter before Daniel could even greet her. “What the hell is this?”
“Carol…”
“This was a mistake, right? I must have read it eight times before the words even made sense. You’re getting married?”
“Yes.”
She cocked back her fist like she planned to knock his head off his shoulders, but she checked herself, instead opening her fist to drop the letter into the mud. She stomped on it once, her face twisted. “How could you do that? Doesn’t your word mean anything to you?”
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