Engaging Carol

by Pepper Espinoza

  Daniel had been gobsmacked, too busy looking at her, marking each difference and similarity, to be concerned about her anger, but her harsh words brought him back to Earth. “My word? My word? You were the one who disappeared for four years, Carol. You were the one who didn’t write or call. I didn’t even know where you were! It took me four months to track down May!”

  Carol looked over his shoulder into the living room. “Is she here?”

  “Emma, Becky, and my mother all went out to lunch.”

  “Can I come in? Or would you rather I just disappear?”

  He stepped aside, inviting her in with a wave of his hand. She looked around with curious eyes—Daniel supposed she was looking for evidence of Emma. She found the evidence she sought on the mantle, in the form of a framed photograph. Emma’s familiar smile sparkled at the camera.

  “She’s pretty.”

  “Why did you come here?” Daniel asked.

  “Because I don’t want some stranger raising my daughter!”

  He laughed, amused and sickened. “You’re as much a stranger to her as Emma is. Why are you here?”

  Her nostrils flared. “I wanted to see if you could actually go through with it if I was sitting in the front row, watching the entire ceremony. I wanted to see if you could bring her back to my house and my bed with a clear conscience.”

  He grabbed her wrist, gripping the small bone with too much pressure. “Your bed?”

  “Daniel, let me go—”

  “Come on. I want to show you your bed,” he said, pulling her toward the stairs.

  “You’re hurting me,” she protested, but Daniel didn’t stop. He dragged her to the second floor and the master bedroom at the end of the hall. He pushed her into the bedroom, slamming the door behind them. “See anything different?”

  Carol gaped at the king-size bed dominating the small room. “This isn’t…our bed.”

  “No, it’s not. I bought a new one.”

  “For her?”

  “Yes,” he said, crossing his arms.

  Carol looked at him with stricken eyes. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you? You really mean to marry her.”

  “Yes.”

  “How could you? You made a promise!”

  “So did you,” he countered, his voice deceptively calm. At that moment, he didn’t know if he wanted to kiss her or strangle her for putting him through every sort of hell.

  Carol wrapped her fingers around the nearest object—a framed photograph of Rebecca—and chucked it at his head. He dodged, the corner barely nicking his ear.

  “That’s the second time you’ve done that,” he said, cupping his ear.

  “You deserved it,” she snapped.

  A bright flash of red sparked in front of his eyes as an alien emotion clutched his chest. He moved toward her, but he didn’t know what he intended to do. He reached for her, his hands closing around her arms. He could barely see her face, barely hear her protests above the roaring wave in his ears.

  “Did I deserve to be left alone for the rest of my life? Do I deserve to be abandoned?” he demanded without raising his voice.

  Carol pointed at his chest. “You were supposed to wait for me.”

  “For how long?” Now his voice climbed. “Five years? A decade? An eternity?”

  “Until I was ready!” she cried. “How could you just forget me…so easily?”

  “Forget you?” He pulled her against him, her body melding against his. “Forget you? Don’t you know this is tearing me up inside? I haven’t been able to eat, I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been a fucking mess since I sent you that letter.”

  “Then why did you do it?”

  “Because I couldn’t do this,” he said, smashing her mouth against his.

  He kissed her with the intensity of his anger and the breadth of his disappointment. He attacked her mouth, using his lips, tongue, and even teeth as weapons. His fingers dug into her shoulders so she couldn’t pull away, so she’d be forced to stand there and take every angry word he couldn’t express, every tear he wouldn’t shed. He kissed her until his lips hurt, until he tasted copper against his tongue, but even then, he couldn’t let up.

  Carol responded in kind, not shrinking from him for a moment. He could taste her frustration and fear, even feel the desperation in her body. His body felt like a tight wire with too much tension on each side. That scared him, because he didn’t know what would happen when that wire finally snapped.

  They tore away, both gasping for breath. He watched her for a single, shimmering second—the world holding its breath. She was the mother of his child, the only woman he ever truly loved, and she’d left him, but now she was back. He could push her away. Push her out the door. Lock her out of his life. He could take her to the bed and claim her again, hold her so she wouldn’t leave a third time.

  Daniel didn’t know what to do.

  He didn’t know his decision until he actually lowered his head to kiss her again. He deepened the kiss until he was immersed in her—the way she smelled, the way she tasted, the way she sounded. Every small detail filled his senses, crowding out everything that wasn’t Carol.

  He pushed her to the bed, unable to feel his legs. He couldn’t feel anything except her body, couldn’t support his own weight. He straddled her with one thought in mind, with one goal, and that moment, it was the only goal that mattered. He needed to be inside her again.

  He needed to love her again.

  Daniel tore at her clothes until he had access to the juncture between her legs before unzipping his own pants. He thrust into her without warning or hesitation, and he couldn’t hold himself back. He pounded into her—his body neither comforting nor yielding. He took everything he could from her—took her body, took her breath, took her moans—and he didn’t give anything back.

  The bed pounded against the wall in a quick, steady rhythm, a chorus of grunts and moans rising above their heads. His anger didn’t subside as he thrust into her, but it began to shift, began to become almost tangible. He imagined it between them, a giant boulder, too heavy to lift, too tall to climb. He imagined it sitting there for an eternity, separating them.

  Daniel stopped abruptly, shocked by his blinding rage, shocked by his need to overwhelm and dominate her. Shaking, he blinked until his vision cleared, and he could see her so clearly. He could see her swollen lips, the glisten in her blue eyes, the trace of shocked fear on her face that she couldn’t hide.

  “Oh…Carol. Oh Carol,” he moaned, trying to roll away from her, “I’m sorry.”

  She wrapped her arms and legs around him, refusing to let him leave. Pulling his mouth down to hers, she gently kissed him. His whole body shifted toward her, like water shifting to the moon. She rocked her hips, encouraging him to continue, to move again.

  Now that the fire in his chest had cooled, there was nothing to replace it with but relief and love. Instead of thinking of the years she was gone, he just enjoyed these moments he had with her in his arms again. Instead of thinking about the agony of her absence, he concentrated on the grace of her presence.

  Before Daniel could completely lose himself in her, the distinctive sound of the front door closing pulled him back to the real world. He jumped away from Carol like he had been burned, racing to the window in time to see his mother hurrying down the walk, back to Emma’s car, just as Emma was helping Rebecca out of the front seat.

  Patricia paused at the car, gesturing down the road. Emma shook her head. Patricia gestured again, then pointed at Rebecca. After a few tense seconds, Emma nodded, and they all climbed back into the car.

  “Oh my God,” Daniel muttered.

  “What? What was it?”

  “My mother. She must have heard us.”

  “So?”

  Daniel rubbed his face, wishing he could start over again. He would do everything differently. He would change his entire life, if it meant he wouldn’t be left standing here, caught between two women and two lives.

  �
��You should leave,” he whispered.

  “Leave? But I’m your—”

  “You shouldn’t be here when they get back.”

  “I don’t have to go anywhere, Daniel. I have every right to be here.”

  He looked at her over his shoulder. She appeared ready for more—her face flushed, her hair wild, her clothes in wrinkled disarray. “What right?”

  “My daughter is here and—”

  “And you want a confrontation. Carol, please, I’m asking you as a personal favor. Just go for the night.”

  “If you think I’m going to leave after all of this, you’re crazy. I traveled a long way to be here, Daniel. To be with you.”

  He sat on the edge of the bed. Leaning over to the brush the hair out of her face, he noticed the uncertainty in her eyes. “Carol, do you think I’m going to run away with Emma tonight? Are you scared if you let me out of your sight, I’ll disappear? I’m not going anywhere. But I need to talk to her. I can’t do that if you’re here.”

  “When can I come back?” she asked, pulling her knees against her chest.

  “I’ll be here tomorrow if you come back.”

  Daniel didn’t move as she let herself out. He stared at the wall, motionless, until Emma’s car roared into the driveway. Daniel quickly straightened his clothes and the bed, struggling to look normal. He glanced at himself in the mirror, hardly recognizing the tired, rattled man staring back.

  “Daniel?”

  “I’m in here, Mom.”

  “Are you alone?”

  “Yes.”

  Patricia stepped into the room, looking around like she expected somebody to jump out from behind the bed. “I heard you earlier—”

  “I know. It was…it was Carol.”

  “Yes, that’s what I thought.”

  He ran his hands through his hair. “I’ve never felt so out of control. I feel like I’ve…lost something. I don’t know.”

  “Did you expect Carol would come back?”

  “Not at all.”

  His mother lifted her thin shoulders in a slight shrug. “Perhaps you lost your faith. I didn’t let on to Emma, of course.”

  “Of course.”

  “But you will talk to her.”

  “Yes. Will you take Becky out to dinner or something tonight? She doesn’t need to be around to hear this.”

  Patricia touched his arm, her face looking impossibly old and drawn in the dreary light. She looked as ancient as he felt. Daniel knew why she had aged so rapidly—it was hard to stay young in the Grove. Too much work in thin, cold air.

  “You don’t have to give up your happiness,” she said. “You don’t have to sacrifice everything you want. I know you, Daniel. I know that you just want to have a simple family. You’d be much happier married and living in Mountain Grove again.”

  Daniel took her hand. He knew she meant well, but his heart was too sore to hear it. He didn’t want to explain himself to her, because he barely knew what he was doing. He had trusted his gut feelings all his life, and now he knew he had to trust those basic instincts once again.

  “I know, Mom. I’ll remember that.”

  She smiled at him, squeezing his arm. “You know I’m here if you need me.”

  He followed her downstairs, finding Emma and Rebecca in the kitchen, sharing a piece of cake. Rebecca held up her fork with a chocolate-covered smile. “Want some, Daddy?”

  “No, not right now, Becky girl. Do you want to go out with Grandma for—”

  “Ice cream!” Patricia suggested quickly.

  Rebecca dropped her fork on the counter, the cake instantly forgotten. “Yes!”

  “Go grab your hat and coat. It’s getting chilly out there.” Patricia smiled at Emma. “Would you like anything while we’re out?”

  “No, thank you.”

  A short time later, Daniel tried to form his announcement carefully, choosing the precise words, the precise pitch of his voice. But he was a forward man, the words he needed to say were crowding his mind. There wasn’t a way to soften this. “Carol came back.”

  Emma’s eyes widened. “Where is she? Is she here? Is she upstairs?”

  “No, she’s not here. I…I sent her away for the night.”

  Emma looked uneasy, but not worried. “Why did she come back? Is she angry?”

  “Well, yes.”

  “What did you tell her? What’s going on, Daniel?”

  “We can’t get married, Emma.”

  Her mouth fell open, the air escaping her lungs with a pained grunt. He couldn’t have inflicted more damage than if he had punched her in the chest. “What?” she finally choked out.

  “I can’t marry you. I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to you, and it’s not right.”

  A bit of life returned to her eyes. “That woman comes back for one day…not even one day…and you’re ready to toss me aside? What kind of man are you?”

  “The kind of man who doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice,” he said heavily.

  “What happened today? Daniel, tell me what happened!” She didn’t sound hysterical yet, but Daniel thought they were going down that road.

  He knew she deserved the truth from him, but he didn’t want to confess, and he certainly didn’t want to give her the details. “We…I…we had relations.”

  Emma ducked her head, as though she couldn’t bear to look at him for another second. “This afternoon?”

  “Yes.”

  Daniel expected her to erupt. He deserved it. She could yell at him, curse his name, call him a bastard—whatever made her feel better. He braced himself for her tears, but when she looked up, her eyes were dry.

  “That doesn’t have to change anything.”

  Daniel blinked. “What?”

  “It doesn’t have to change anything,” she repeated, smiling a little. “I know you were married, that you’ve been with her. It’s only natural that your…urges…would overtake you. But that doesn’t mean you don’t love me.”

  Daniel leaned against the table, shock making his knees weak. “My urges are only natural?”

  “Well, yes. Everybody knows that men…” She looked around shyly. “That men can’t control themselves. That’s why I try not to lead you on.”

  Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose. This discussion wasn’t going where he had imagined it, and he wasn’t prepared for this new direction. “I have no trouble controlling my urges,” he said tightly.

  “Then why did you…?”

  “Because I love her. I love her. I probably always will. Do you want to marry a man who loves another woman, Emma?”

  “I thought you loved me.”

  “I do. In a way. Not the way you want.”

  Now the expected tears cascaded down her face. She stumbled toward him, reminding him painfully of the way Rebecca always reached for him when she hurt herself. He held his arms out, because he didn’t know what else to do.

  “She’s just going to leave again. What’s Becky going to do without a mother?”

  “I don’t think she’s going to leave this time,” he said softly.

  “You hope,” she said against his shoulder.

  Daniel held her until her tears finally subsided. A part of him didn’t want to let her go. If she walked out the door, he would never see her again, and he did love her. She made him happy. She made Rebecca happy. Could he let her, and the joy she brought, slip through his fingers?

  But there was another, larger question. Could he resist Carol every single day for the rest of his life? Could he resist kissing her when given the opportunity? Could he resist touching her? Could he resist fantasizing about her late at night, when he was alone with his thoughts? Even if he chose Emma’s sedate life over Carol’s unpredictable adventures, he wouldn’t be one hundred percent faithful to his wife, and she deserved better than that.

  Emma pulled away from him, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I must look like a mess.”

  He shook his head. “I’m sorry, Emma.”

>   “I thought you were different. I thought you were better.”

  “Do you want to wait for Becky?”

  “No. No. I don’t want her to see me like this. Just tell her goodbye for me. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.”

  “I wish this never happened.” Daniel didn’t know if he meant the painful scene they just walked through, or the entire relationship. “I wish I hadn’t done this to you, or to Rebecca. If I could fix it…if I could change it, I would. I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, me, too. Goodbye, Daniel.”

  He followed her to the door, watching her drive away into the night for the last time. He stood on the porch as the full moon climbed the sky, patiently waiting for the one person in the world who would make him feel better. When his mother returned, he swept Rebecca into his arms, hugging her like he would never let her go.

  “Are you sad, Daddy?”

  “I am.”

  “Why?”

  He shook his head. “It’s nothing for little girls to worry about. Do you want me to read to you?”

  She nodded quickly. “Yes, please.”

  “Please? Grandma must be teaching you some manners.” He looked over her shoulder to his mother.

  “Are you okay?” she mouthed.

  He nodded slightly.

  “Well, Grandma’s exhausted,” she announced. “I think I’ll be going back to the hotel.”

  “Mom, you don’t have to stay there. You can stay here with us.”

  “No, no. I’m not used to having you around anymore. I need my privacy.” She patted his shoulder. “I’ll be over bright and early tomorrow morning to pick up this one. We’re going to the zoo.”

  “Sounds like fun. Say goodnight to Grandma.”

  “Night, Grandma!”

  “Goodnight, Mom,” he said, kissing her cheek. “Drive safely.”

  They stood on the porch, waving until she was gone, too. “I love you, baby girl.”

  “I love you, too, Daddy.”

  * * * *

  Daniel was mildly surprised when Carol strolled into the kitchen the next morning. She walked with confidence, but her eyes were darting around. She reminded Daniel of a cautious cat on the prowl.