“I said soon,” she said softly when she was sitting again, and I looked up at her heated stare as she gripped my waist and adjusted herself on my lap.
Releasing one of her arms, I slowly traced the line of her bikini top down to the swell of her breast, and raised one eyebrow when she sucked in a sharp breath. “And what do you want to do until soon is here?”
Before she could respond, the roar of an engine and the sounds of yelling filled the otherwise quiet spot on the lake, and I dropped my hand to look at the quickly approaching boat.
“Yeah! Get some!” one of the guys yelled as they passed us, and I kept my stare on them until they were too far away to see clearly, because I knew exactly what I would find in front of me. Anytime we were physically close and something interrupted us, she would look at the position we were in in a whole new light, and go back to being the Grey who was stuck in the past.
Finally, looking back at Grey, I gave her a tight-lipped smile and reached behind me for her life jacket as she sat there staring at my chest and gripping her necklace.
“Put this on, sweetheart, I’ll take you in.”
Grey barely said anything more than a mumble as we went in and I returned the Jet Ski, and I don’t think she even realized I wasn’t walking with her toward her car until she started to get in. She looked back to where we’d been, then looked over to where I was standing next to my car.
“I’ll see you later.” She said the words almost like a question, and I just nodded. Without another word, she got into her car and drove away.
I got into my car and dropped my head back against the headrest as I replayed the good parts of the day. But it was hard to remember anything when three words kept going through my mind like a broken record.
I’m losing her.
Grey
August 10, 2014
“PUT ME DOWN, put me down, put me down!” I screeched as Jagger ran into the warehouse with me thrown over his shoulder a few days later. Before I could slap my hand against his back again, his hands were on my waist and he was bending over to throw me onto the couch.
“There. You’re down.” He smiled wickedly at me and stole a kiss, then stood up, but I grabbed his hand and yanked him back toward me.
“That was terrifying,” I murmured against his next kiss.
“I only almost dropped you once.”
“Exactly! You almost dropped me! I saw my life flash before my eyes.”
He smiled widely and pinched my side. “You’re being dramatic. I’m gonna go jump in the shower and change. Do you want to do the same when I’m done, or are you gonna head home?”
“I’ll jump in when you’re done.” I placed my hands on his bare stomach, and pushed him away. “Go shower, you smell like lake water.”
“And what do you think you’re making my couch smell like?” he countered as he walked backward toward the stairs.
“Cupcakes and rainbows?”
He stopped and gave me a look. “There is something in that water that makes you high, woman.”
I laughed and pointed up to the loft. “Go shower so I can too!”
As soon as I heard the water turn on, I got off the couch and went to find my purse where I’d dropped it near the door. Putting it on the bar top in the kitchen, I searched for my phone and texted my mom to let her know I was staying at Jagger’s for a while. I’d barely gotten the TV on when she responded, asking if we had protection.
I groaned and flipped through the channels until I found a movie, and had only been watching it for a couple minutes when Jagger came back down the stairs.
His skin was tan from spending so much time at the lake this summer, and it made the contrast of his black hair and green eyes just that much greater. I was still whiter than white, and praying I hadn’t burned anywhere. I blamed my dad’s Irish heritage.
“I left some clothes on the bed for you to change into,” Jagger said as he flopped down on the couch next to my feet.
“So now I’m going to smell like you?” I teased, and nudged his side with my toes.
He grabbed my foot and immediately started massaging it with his large hands. “Better than smelling like the lake.”
“Don’t lie,” I moaned through the foot rub. “You love that I smell like . . . fish.”
Jagger barked out a laugh and tossed my feet away from him. “That is not what you smell like, but now all I can think about is you smelling like fish. Go shower.”
“No. Foot rub!” I whined, and tried to put my feet back on his lap. He just continued laughing and pushing them away. “Please?”
Grabbing one of my hands, he pulled me up and pressed a soft kiss against my cheek before pushing me toward the edge of the couch. “When you come back.”
I sent him a pathetic look as I slowly stood up, and he leaned forward to grab me and pull me back down.
“Don’t pout, beautiful,” he whispered before placing his lips on my neck.
I tilted my head away and sighed softly. “I thought I smelled gross,” I said when he continued making a line of kisses down my neck.
I felt his smile against my skin, then he said, “I never said ‘gross.’ I said ‘lake.’ You took it to another level with ‘fish.’ ” Jagger bit down gently on the base of my throat, and his hand gripped the back of my thigh when he moved lower.
My breathing was uneven by the time he made it back up to my lips, and the hand that had been gripping my thigh slowly moved up to grab the side tie of my bikini bottom. Pulling until it came undone, he reached under my shirt to undo one of the ties of my top, then the other. I was still wearing my shorts and tank top, but I knew I would be pulling them off soon if he didn’t do it himself, and suddenly I wanted that shower. I didn’t want to smell gross if things were heading in this direction.
“Um, I . . . shower—I should shower,” I stuttered.
“Then go shower,” he challenged.
It took another few moments before I was able to gather the will to move away from him, and the only thing that had given me the strength to do so was knowing that I wanted to smell clean.
“Five minutes,” I shouted as I ran up the stairs, his low laugh following me.
I’d never showered that thoroughly that quickly in my life. Barely giving myself time to dry off and towel-dry my hair, I ran into the loft and put on the clothes that were sitting on the end of the bed. I glanced down at the boxers and long shirt I was wearing, and fought with myself for a minute about whether or not I should take off the boxers. But I had nothing underneath, and I knew if I went down like that, Jagger would think I wanted something.
Something I knew I did in fact want but wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. I wanted him, I wanted his hands on me, but that still didn’t stop the fear of finally giving myself to him. By the time I stopped arguing with myself and was on my way down the stairs, I still had the boxers on and was trying not to seem as eager to get back to him as I was.
“That was longer than five minutes,” he said with his signature lopsided smile when I made it down the stairs.
“Hey, at least I’m clean.”
“And looking amazing,” he murmured as he reached for my hand and pulled me down so I was sitting on his lap.
“Amazing?” I asked against his lips. “Somehow I doubt that.”
Jagger leaned back and gave me a look. “You have no idea how amazing you look in my clothes.”
The gravel in his voice was enough to make a shiver go through my body, and I sat up to crush my mouth against his. His hand slowly ran up and down my legs, each time going a little higher, but nowhere near high enough. I wanted to ask him to touch me, but couldn’t find my voice even though the words were repeating in my head. Pushing away from him without ever breaking the kiss, I slid one leg over his lap so I was straddling him, and slowly rocked my hips against him.
His hands went to my hips to press me harder against him, and a low growl rumbled up his chest as I continued rocking against him. Jagger dropped his head a
nd slowly ran his nose between my breasts before moving over to suck on one of my nipples through the shirt.
My phone chimed from where I’d left it on the other side of the couch, but I ignored it until it chimed again, and again, and again.
Jagger lifted his head and looked over for a second before reaching for it.
“It’s probably just my mom.” I leaned forward to kiss his jaw, and couldn’t stop the giggle that sounded in my throat when I said, “She asked me earlier if we had protection, and I never responded.”
Jagger’s body went rigid, and the hand that was still on my hip gripped tighter. “Grey,” he breathed.
I sat back quickly at his tone to look at him. I’d been expecting him to laugh or look embarrassed because of my mom, but instead he looked like someone had just beaten the shit out of him. He looked weak, exhausted, and pale.
“What is it?” I asked, my voice rising in panic. I tried grabbing my phone, but he held it away. “Jagger, give me the phone!”
“Grey,” he whispered. “I’m here, okay?”
“What happened? Is it my family?” I practically shouted, and this time when I reached for it, he handed me my phone.
I looked at the screen, and my blood ran cold when I saw the Facebook message pulled up.
Ben Craft: Grey, I love you.
Ben Craft: Please don’t do this to us.
Ben Craft: How could you?
Ben Craft: You’re mine. You’ve always been mine.
I stared at the phone for a few more seconds before my stomach roiled and I jumped off of Jagger and took off for the bathroom. I threw up what little I’d eaten before we’d gone out to the lake and sat on my knees, hunched over the toilet as sobs racked my body.
Jagger came in and pulled me back into his arms, sitting up against the wall with me pressed close to his chest.
“Why?” I choked out, and his arms tightened.
“I don’t know, baby. I’m so sorry.” He paused for a second, and hesitantly said, “I think you should block his account, Grey.”
“Do it,” I said shakily, then took a deep breath and said more decisively, “Do it so they can’t do this anymore.”
He sighed softly and stood up, pulling me with him. “Come on, let’s go back out there.”
I stopped long enough to rinse my mouth out at the sink, and then let him tow me toward the couch. He pulled me onto his lap again, and I curled my head under his chin as he grabbed my phone. After a minute, I heard the soft thud of my phone hitting the cushion and felt both of his arms wrap tightly around me.
“It’s done.”
I didn’t respond. I just clutched his shirt to my face as the relentless tears continued to fall down my cheeks.
It’s over, I told myself. It’s over.
MY EYES SLOWLY blinked open and focused on the empty side of the bed beside me. Letting my hand run over the comforter until my mind caught up with me, I finally remembered I was at Jagger’s, but didn’t know when I’d gotten upstairs to his bed. I felt groggy, and my eyes were scratchy, and it was then that the events of this afternoon all came back to me. The messages, blocking Ben’s Facebook account, Jagger holding me as tears steadily rolled down my cheeks.
Quiet footsteps sounded on the stairs seconds before Jagger appeared at the top, his steps faltering when he saw that I was awake.
“Hey,” he said softly. “Did I wake you up?”
I shook my head and pushed myself up until I was sitting against the headboard. “What time is it?”
“Late. You’d been asleep for five hours the last time I looked at my phone.”
“Five hours?”
“And that was probably an hour or so ago,” he guessed.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I looked down at his blackened hands and raised an eyebrow. “And how did I sleep through your music?”
A smile flashed across his face seconds before his lips softly fell onto mine. “I used earbuds so you wouldn’t hear it, and I didn’t wake you up because you’ve hardly slept in the last week and a half. Let me get all this off my hands. I’ll be right back.” He quickly walked into the bathroom, and I rubbed at my sore eyes.
Six hours was more than I had been getting in two nights combined, and somehow, it still didn’t feel like enough.
“You doing okay?” Jagger asked when he sat in front of me on the bed.
“With what happened?” When he nodded, I continued. “Yeah, I am . . . I guess. I’ve been constantly worrying about what would pop up on my phone the next time and when that time would be. Knowing whoever is doing this doesn’t have that way of communicating with me anymore feels nice.”
“I’m sorry you had to go through that at all, but it’s over now.”
“I just . . .” I trailed off, struggling to voice the jumbled thoughts in my head. “What could anyone have against me that they’d feel the need to do something like this? I don’t understand, and I need to understand, Jagger. I feel like I’m going insane still. Knowing that it’s not actually Ben is a lot easier to say than to believe. I know he’s gone, I do. But I—I just feel like I don’t know anything anymore.”
Jagger placed one of his hands on top of both of mine, and I quickly stopped twisting my hands together to grip his. “We’ll find out who did this, I swear.”
I nodded absentmindedly, and kept my eyes on where I was now playing with his fingers. I couldn’t stop fidgeting; something was bothering me . . . something that had to do with the Facebook messages. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Jagger was talking—saying something that I wasn’t hearing. All I could focus on was our hands and the messages and the vows.
“The vows!” I shouted suddenly, and looked up in time to see Jagger’s head jerk back from my outburst.
“What about them?” Jagger asked hesitantly when I didn’t say anything else.
“This can’t just be over. Not that easily.” Removing one of my hands from Jagger’s, I pointed in the direction of the front door. “They obviously know my car since the vows were on them, and they know about you, where you live, and can get inside your place since the vows were here. Just because I blocked one of their ways of torturing me doesn’t mean it’ll just be over.”
“You might be right, but we can’t know that yet.”
“Where did you have the vows?” I looked around the loft at the dresser and desk. “We could see if something else is missing, or—”
“Grey,” he crooned, and cupped my cheek so I would look at him. “I already did all that. I had some cops come and fingerprint the vows and the box that the paper had been in. Nothing else was missing, nothing was out of place, and I don’t even know when they were taken. There was nothing but my fingerprints up here, in the closet, and on the box. And nothing on the vows except for mine, yours, and some unknown ones that they’re expecting to be Ben’s since he had smudged the ink with his finger, and it matched the rest of the prints they found.”
My mouth had slowly opened as he talked, and I knew I was looking at him like I didn’t even know who he was anymore. “So the cops now have the vows? You would just give them something like that? Something that means so much to me? Jagger! They probably ruined the vows!”
“No, I have the paper back because they couldn’t find anything on it, and the vows are fine, babe.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me? Why didn’t you tell me that you’d called them? You didn’t even say anything about giving the vows that were meant for me to the police. What if I didn’t want them to have that?” I looked around the room, shaking my head. “Were you ever going to tell me?” I asked on a humorless laugh. “For all I know, they could’ve found something, but you’re still not telling me.”
He laughed edgily, and I knew he was getting mad, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe he’d done all that without asking me first, or telling me after. “Are you—are you fucking kidding me? Of course I would’ve told you if there was something! Jesus, Grey. You’ve been miserable since the morn
ing you found the vows. Most of your days are bad days, and babe, that’s fine! It’s fine to be hurting. But I didn’t want you to get involved with the police when there was a chance they wouldn’t find anything.”
“You can’t protect me from everything, Jagger!”
He dropped my other hand and sat back, shock and pain covering his face.
“There are things in this world that you can’t control or keep me from!”
“You think I don’t know that?” he yelled back. “I’ve watched you disappear because of something I couldn’t protect you from! Why wouldn’t I try to protect you from the small bullshit when you have gone through so much more?” Getting off the bed, he took large steps toward the stairs, then turned around to look at me. His arms were hanging by his sides, palms up, his expression lost. “That’s what I want to do, Grey, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, to be there for you when shit gets bad, to take as much of it as I can away from you so you won’t have to deal with it. I have spent my life doing that because I love you, and I will spend the rest of it doing the exact same fucking thing. If you need to know something, I’ll tell you. You of all people should know that by now!”
I opened my mouth to say something—start apologizing, anything to erase that look from his face—but he kept talking.
“I’m sorry you’re mad, I’m sorry you feel like I kept something important from you. But you have no idea what I’m seeing when I look at you. You have no idea what I’ve watched happen to you since the vows ended up on your car!”
That startled me enough to make my mouth snap shut for a few moments. “I don’t—what are you seeing? I’m fine, I’ve been fine except for when it’s happened.”
Jagger laughed harshly, but he sounded defeated. “Grey . . . are you serious?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“I’m fucking losing you,” he whispered, the soft, anguished tone hitting me hard enough to make me lose my breath. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you through your grieving for Ben and what’s happening now. But you are slowly pushing me away more and more each day.”
Letting Go Page 14