by Nikki Lane
The heat inside the car was suffocating, despite the funnel of wind from the open windows. The pain meds were wearing off, and the combination of that plus my mother’s sudden urge to story-tell was fueling my aggravation.
“What’s your point?” I snapped.
“My point is…real love doesn’t come around too often, so when it does, you better hold on to it as tight and as long as you can.”
“It’s too late for that.” I didn’t mean to say the words out loud.
“It’s never too late, Maeve. We all make mistakes. Doesn’t mean we have to suffer with them our whole lives. Look at you and me. After all these years, after everything you’ve been through, we’re sitting here together. I’m so happy for that.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Maybe not. But I want more for you than my mom did for me. I know it’s probably hard for you to understand that after what had happened when you were little. But don’t you ever think, even for a minute, that you don’t deserve the love you want.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I was cut off from the world. I’d been laying in a dark bedroom, curtains drawn, wondering what the outside world was up to. Were people conducting their business as usual? The whole world could have been turning upside down, and I would have been none the wiser.
I’d been home for the hospital for over forty-eight hours, and I was still without a phone and car. All that was in my fridge was a half-empty bottle of water and some yogurt. But it didn’t matter. My appetite had checked out. I had checked out.
I didn’t even know what time it was.
And if it weren’t for someone knocking on my door, I probably would have lain there forever…or until I’d gotten hungry again.
When I reached the living room, the knocking turned to pounding. Mischa slinked through my legs, meowing. When was the last time she’d eaten?
I didn’t bother to check the peephole. I’d already been assaulted by a total stranger. What were the odds that would happen twice in one week?
I swung the door open and felt the blood rush from my head when I saw who was on the other side.
Jacob’s eyes grew wide, and his mouth parted.
I attempted to slam the door shut.
“Wait,” he said, holding it open.
I leaned against the doorframe as the dizziness took over. “What are you doing here?” My voice was still hoarse from all the screaming.
“The dance studio called me. You didn’t show up for work, and they got worried. They said you haven’t missed a day since you started. I’m listed as your emergency contact.”
“Well, I’m alive, obviously, so no need to worry.” I tried to close the door again.
“Maeve,” he said, slamming his hand against the door. “What the hell happened to you?”
“I’m fine, Jacob.” I couldn’t lie to him and give him the car accident excuse. The words wouldn’t leave my mouth. It felt physically impossible. He probably wouldn’t believe that anyway.
“Can I come in?” His smoldering eyes pleaded with me.
I stared at him through the small opening of the threshold. “Fine.” My hand released its grip on the doorknob, and I headed to the kitchen to grab the cat food.
He took a quick look around the room, his hands planted on his hips. Was he looking for something?
“I’ve been calling you since last night,” he said.
Mischa meowed at his feet. He scooped her up and caressed her head.
“I lost my phone,” I said, refilling her food bowl.
“Where’s your car? I didn’t see it in the parking lot.”
Mischa jumped out of his arms when she smelled the food.
“I don’t have a car, either. It’s still at the club.”
He relaxed his arms, and I noticed a new tattoo on his forearm.
“This has something to do with work, doesn’t it?” he said.
I looked away from him and focused on the shag carpeting. My lack of response was enough admission for him.
He scoffed and shook his head. “Tell me what happened, Maeve. I want to know every fucking detail.”
My breath hitched in my throat, and I sat on the couch to keep from falling over.
“Another fight?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
“Not Doug?” He said it like that option was impossible.
“No way,” I sneered.
He started to pace the small room. “Worse?”
“Way worse.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Did someone do this to you on purpose?”
Our eyes met, and his pacing came to a halt.
“Dammit, Maeve. Did he—?”
“No.” He didn’t have to say it out loud. “I don’t think I would have gotten such a good beating if he’d gotten that far.”
“I can’t fucking believe this.”
“It’s not what you think, Jacob.” I picked at my cuticles. It was the first time in months that I craved a cigarette. “It’s my fault,” I said, the tears pricking my eyes. “I should have never—”
“Don’t ever say that again.” He settled next to me. “Ever. Do you understand me?”
I nodded.
Jacob took a deep breath. “Does he come to the club a lot?”
“No, I’d never seen him there before.” Goosebumps flushed over my skin. “He was from out of town. Texas, I think.”
“Did you call the cops, Maeve? I swear to God, if I see that fucker—”
“Come on, Jacob. You know better than anyone how useful cops will be. And I doubt he’ll ever show up to the club again…or anywhere on the east coast for that matter.”
He slumped into the couch. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Not being there.”
I almost snorted. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I told you I could take care of myself.”
We sat quietly in the gloominess of the surrounding space.
“Do you want a ride to get your car?” he finally said.
“Sure.”
During the car ride to the club, I didn’t know what to say, and I was pretty sure Jacob didn’t know, either.
He pulled into the parking lot, and I could barely open my eyes; they were still adjusting to the daylight. My car sat in the same spot where I’d left it. Why that surprised me, I had no idea. Maybe I wasn’t expecting it to still be there.
“Do you have the keys?” Jacob asked.
I pressed my head into the back of the seat, feeling like an idiot. “No, I don’t.”
“Do you think there’s someone inside?”
“I don’t see Sal’s car.”
“Maybe you should try, anyway.”
Jacob walked to the door with me, his gaze darting around the parking lot. It was like he expected whoever it was that did this to me to pop out of thin air and go for round two.
I knocked on the door, but I knew nobody would answer. It was only nine in the morning. Sal wouldn’t be here for another few hours.
“Maybe someone left the keys inside the car?” Jacob said.
I doubted it, but we checked anyway. My phone was lying on the ground, looking like it’d been crushed. Or run over. I picked up what was left of it. The car was locked, and I cupped my hands over the window to peek inside. A gust of wind blew back my hair. Fluttering near Jacob’s feet was a black Stetson.
I must have lost all the coloring in my face.
“What is it?” he said.
“That’s his hat.”
Jacob looked at his feet and then reached for it.
“Don’t touch it,” I cried.
He froze, still bent over, his hand just inches from the brim.
“Why not?” he asked. “Maybe we can bring it to the police as—”
“No,” I replied. “Just don’t touch it. Please.”
What was I afraid of? That Jacob would somehow be tainted by the offending hat? I wasn’t sure, but every cell in
my body wanted to be as far away from where we were as quickly as possible.
“I just want to go,” I blurted out. “Now. Will you take me home?”
Jacob had regained a vertical position. “Of course.”
We had accomplished absolutely nothing, but I wasn’t the least bit disappointed. I stole a few glances at Jacob on the way home, and for the first time in a while, I felt like smiling.
“Are you hungry?” he asked as we neared my apartment.
“Yeah, I am.” My stomach had been grumbling the last few miles.
We decided on takeout, and soon, just as we had so many times before, we were sprawled out on my living room floor, digging into food cartons.
“You haven’t been shaving again,” I said.
He ran a hand around the scruff that once again covered his jaw. “Yeah, suits me better.” His gaze fell on his food. “At least, that’s what I remember someone telling me once.”
My cheeks burned as I stabbed at another piece of sushi.
“So, you’re teaching classes at the dance studio now?” Jacob said before loading lo mein into his mouth.
“Yeah, just two nights a week.”
“How do you like it?”
“It’s good,” I said after swallowing a piece of sushi. “I, uh…I actually love it.”
He smiled, toothy with his deep dimples showing. It made me feel like I was full of sunlight.
I readjusted the chopsticks between my fingers. “It made me realize something…”
“What’s that?”
“My major. I went to my advisor’s office last week and declared one—teaching, elementary school.”
Jacob stopped mid-chew. “That’s really great to hear, Maeve.”
“You think?” I asked. I still wasn’t sure if the idea of me being a teacher wasn’t completely ridiculous.
“Absolutely.”
The smile I’d felt creeping up all day had finally broken through.
Jacob threw away the empty containers, and I wiped the coffee table clean.
“Thanks for checking on me,” I said.
“Of course,” he said. “We’re still friends, right?”
I nodded. “Sure. That’ll never change.” We each hovered on opposite sides of the room. “Well, don’t feel like you have to stick around. I know you probably have somewhere to be.”
“I don’t have anywhere to be,” he said without hesitation.
A tidal wave of relief washed over me.
“Do you want to watch something?” I said, gesturing to the television.
“Sounds good to me.”
I went into the bedroom to change into pajamas. When I came back into the room, Jacob patted the spot next to him on the couch.
I stood on the threshold of the kitchen and living room and just stared at him.
“What’s wrong?” he said with a tone of concern.
I soaked in the image of him, just sitting there, his beauty effortlessly improving everything around him, including me.
“Nothing,” I murmured. “Nothing at all.”
And as I slid into the spot next to him, his arm draping over my shoulder, everything felt right once again.
* * * *
That morning I woke up in Jacob’s embrace.
“How long have you been up?” I asked him. Every muscle in my body ached as I sat up.
“About twenty minutes.” His hand absentmindedly stroked my hair. “You want breakfast?”
I nodded and soon he was off to grab coffee and something to eat. I gingerly washed my face, realizing it was the first morning I didn’t feel like I’d woken up with a rock in my stomach. The swelling had almost disappeared, but the stitches in my lip were prominent. Purple and blue highlighted my cheek bones. The scrapes on my knees and butt were scabbed.
Jacob was back in fifteen minutes. I was almost sure he was afraid to leave me alone too long.
“What do you want to do today?” he asked after we were through with breakfast.
“Nothing.” I could have stayed locked inside of that apartment together forever.
“Maybe we should get you a new phone,” he said.
“I don’t have the money for a new phone.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Jacob said. “You need a phone, and I’m going to make sure you have one.”
“Are you sure you want to be seen with me looking like this?”
He looked me square in the eye. “You look beautiful. Fuck what everyone else thinks.”
Jacob coaxed me out of the door and to the mall. I cowered behind him as he led me to the right place. His grip on my hand never weakened.
I had to admit, having a phone again made me feel a little better. Like things were getting back to normal.
“Thank you, Jacob,” I said, trying to figure out how to check my voicemail as he drove back to the apartment.
“You’re welcome.” His smile quickly dropped from his face when he noticed my expression. “What is it?”
I replayed the voicemail just to be sure I’d heard it right. “Someone from the police station called. Said they found a guy matching my description. He got picked up for a DWI. He’s been in trouble with this kind of thing before…”
I locked my phone and let it fall into my lap.
“It’s going to be okay, Maeve.” He reached for my hand.
I believed him. But in the back of my head, I was counting down the minutes until he would go back to his life and wouldn’t be there to remind me of that every now and then.
Back at the apartment, we spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch, watching movies. We both seemed content not to move, only to pop in a new movie into the DVD player.
It felt so good where I was, wrapped in his arms. But I should have been forcing myself to get up. Tricking myself into thinking things were the way they used to be wasn’t doing me any favors.
A yawn escaped my mouth.
“Maybe you should get some rest,” Jacob said, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.
I could have fallen asleep right there.
Reluctantly, I sat up and made a little space between our bodies. “I know you have to be going.”
“Why are you always trying to get rid of me?”
“I’m not,” I said. “I just don’t want to keep you.”
“From what?”
I shrugged. “From whoever.” I’d meant to say whatever, but Freudian slip, I supposed.
Jacob let out a soft chuckle. “There’s no who, Maeve. No one’s waiting for me.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t quite sure how to process that response. “I just assumed, after seeing you with Taylor at the library.”
Jacob was already shaking his head. “No, definitely not.”
“Oh, okay…” I did a few mental toe-touches. “I was sure you’d ask her out.”
“I did,” he said. “We went out a few times. But it wasn’t for the right reasons. I was just trying to distract myself.”
“Distract yourself from what?”
“What I really wanted.”
That aching burn made a comeback deep in my stomach. My heart felt like it was flying around in my chest.
My phone had been ringing intermittently the whole time.
“Don’t you want to answer it this time?” Jacob asked when it started to ring again.
“Why,” I murmured.
“It could be someone from the police station.”
“It’s not. It’s Sal calling.”
He readjusted the glasses on his face.
I looked up at him from under my lashes. “He’ll want to know when I’ll be able to come back to work.”
“You’re not actually thinking about going back there, are you?”
And just like that my bubble had burst. I lifted my head from the crook of his arm and sat up on the couch.
“I don’t have a choice, Jacob. I need a job.”
“You definitely have a choice.”
“These things happen. I can’t l
et it get it in the way.”
“These things happen?” he said. “Tell me you aren’t serious right now.”
“I’m fine, Jacob. I’ll get over it.”
“You are not fine, Maeve. Look at you.” His gaze traveled over my face. “What would have happened if he’d gotten you in his truck? You could have been killed.”
“You’re overreacting.”
A disgusted noise came from his throat. “I don’t believe this…”
What was I doing? We had this discussion once before. Why was I putting myself through this again? I must have had some suppressed masochistic tendencies.
“Jacob…” I shot up from the couch. “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
I threw my hands in the air. “This, whatever is happening between us right now.”
“Trying to be friends?” he said, getting back on his feet. “I made a promise to you, remember?”
“Yeah.” I crossed my arms. “When we were, like, nine. It wasn’t a blood oath, Jacob. I’m not going to hold you to it for the rest of your life.”
“I don’t get it,” he cried. “How can you walk away so easily?”
“I already told you. It could never work out between us.”
“I know,” he said. “You keep reminding me. But I still can’t understand, for the life of me, what makes you so sure.”
The weight of all my bottled-up emotions was forcing its way through me, ready to break free to the surface like a geyser.
“You don’t think I know, Jacob, that I’m a fucking cliché?” I let my arms fall to my sides. “Look at me.” I took a few steps to narrow the space between us. “Look at what I get myself into.” My words were so faint the air could barely carry them. “But this is who I am.”
“No, it’s not, Maeve.” His gaze fluttered over my bruised eyes down to my stitched-up lip. “What more can I do to prove it to you?” He held my hands, his fingers fiddling with my mood ring. “Because I’ll do it. Every day for the rest of my life if I have to.” His eyes held my gaze. “I love you, Maeve.”
“Don’t you get it?” My body shuttered, the tears welling in my eyes. “Everything is on my shoulders. I’m buried so deep I-I can barely breathe.”
“Let it go, Maeve,” he said. “Let some of it go.”